a blog to release. in silence. anger. love. pain. but definitely not
sympathy version 1
when i was young..was afraid of everything. can't play. can't jump on beds. must sit straight back on the couch..cannot spill anything..
do maths correctly... write neatly. if otherwise.. its ok if his temper is down n low.. but if high... i get beaten. pulled back with his hand on my hair. so that my face couldn't move when he slap me.
must put every clothes neatly.. fold them..bath the right way.. if didn't... get slapped n punched in the face. get pushed out of my house with him shouting at me.."fuck off!" n me still pulling him.. pleading n begging no.. no.. neighbours coming out to look..
no matter how much i wail.. how much i plead n beg for help n for him to stop... he won't stop. n no one will come to stop him. not my stepmother. not my maid.
they didn't care.
i was at his mercy. yes. at his mercy.
even when i was 8.. my cousin were in the same school as i m.. it was the last day of school.. having party.. i was staying at his house... as my mom were having her last days..he took the beer from the fridge.. wanna celebrate with it in the school. i was stupid. i went to the fridge n took one too.
some teachers took it as a laugh.. but one brought it up to the headmistress. he were to be shown into her room when he come to fetch us later on. he came.
back home. he told me to strip off my skirt. then told me to take off my panties. i was sobbing.. my cousin didn't give a damn.. but my mom.. my real mom walked towards my father eventhough she is too sick to walk n scolded him as loud n as forceful as she could manage. when he left. she told me to wear back everything. n told me never to take off anything if he ever asks me to again.
humiliated.. always.. in front of relatives. he could just slap me in public n let me cry while he walk on..
make me kneel down in front of the altar when my autns n uncles are here just because i spilled soup.
beat me with the recorder ust because he didn't like me playing music.
n when thats all over.
the phone rang. my friends.
of cos my voice would be different. they'll ask if i m alright.
what could i answer??
yes eventhough it isnt?
no, my father just beat the hell out of me. n in the background have him hear that n make me slam the phone down n beat me again.?????
n wat? go to school like normal? oh yea. i seen them... first few times i told them..my father beat me.. they would be sympathetic.. console me with the usual.. u come my house n stay la!
the next few times.. silence.
next few tiems.. ignorance.
i just want attention eh?
just want sympathy?
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sympathy version II
oh yea. people have walked out on me. stuff me in public.
turn their back on me.
talk behind me.. even in front of me.
i m not real. i m fake. wat i write is different from what i do n what i say in reality..
do not have the courage to do wat i want. cuz its not how he wanted it. not how others wanted it. not how everybody wanted it. do not have the courage to even speak my thoughts to those that means much to me.
i m tired of hiding in the toilet. dun wanna cry in front of anybody either. dun wanna cry n see everyone go awkward.. going stiff.. n seeing closest ones to me lose their temper or get irritated by my tears instead.
so tired of being afraid i m doing the wrong thing again. wrong thing to whom? me? or others?
afraid.. being shut off their worlds again. n again. n without ever knowing wats in them.
without ever knowing what they r thinking.
u must be thinking i m quite unstable.
shut out. n off.
silence.
the night was wrong... my hand passeth it to the other, in fear of contact of another's..
as i was about to drop off the steep cliff of my eyes, i realize that temper is not my friend.. n so i ran to the confinement.
pity me?
... no don't. i hate it. i really hate it.
more so when people think i m doing it on purpose.
ah. humiliated. so conscious of how others look at me in public. whether izzit i m crying. or holding my hand to my face, trying to cover the shame that was slapped upon me. so much so too conscious. the recoil of my body, i could still remember... whenever he raised his hand.. would recoil... but will never defend. nor will i stop him physically. only verbally i will plead. for i love him.
n right now. i love him too. same or different person doesn't matter.
doesn't matter at all.
changes are few.
8/24/04
8/18/04
WELUVU
finally get to see them after sucha long time..cramped in redbox.. the smallest room imaginable...sob.. everyone changed..
chin kuan is a school girl once more.. doing her Form 6... so cute n little in her school uniform.. met up with her first in town.. updated each other with happenings...
oh well... changes changes.. mainly in hair.. i dyed mine.. shadow's longer.. ca po's dyed n straightened..zzen go a tail..emm.. yes. a tAIL..
couldn't keep up at all with their songs.. ah.. knew it would be like this..
would have stayed longer if i didn' have maths test d next day.. gtg need to sleep.. enjoy the pics
8/16/04
reupload of art website http://www.geocities.com/hazy_glade68/
8/14/04
the poet is a light and winged and holy thing, n there is no invention in him until he has been inspired and is out of his senses...God takes away he minds of poets, and uses them as his ministers...these beauiful poems are no human, or the work of man, but divine and the work of God; the poets are only he interpreters of the gods by whom they are severally possessed.
PLAtO
8/10/04
the feeling of missing a person.. its mysterious..
~ it trails..
like a shadow..
n it ripples.. at the very bottom of a heart..
~ without a trace...
or sound
~ and it can just embrace you with such loneliness..
i do not have the will to resist.. especially deep in the night..
~ where i think of you until the extent that i ant breathe..
~ made me wanna run to you at once..
to tell you firmly..
*i m willing to be there for you..
~ do anything for u..
~ even forget who i m ..just for you
if its only one second i could have to just lie on your chest..i wouldn't even regret if i lose the whole world..
i m willing to be there for u..
~ do anything for u..
~ even to be banished to the end of the world for u..
as long as u r willing to love me back sincerely...i m willing to do anything.. everything for u..*
i really had no idea that you love me this much.. much more than i deserve.. much more than i love you..this is all new to me..
i still dun wanna settle down yet... still want my freedom.. wanna explore the world first before settling down..
i dun dare to tell u anything anymore.. everytime i tell u.. i had to spend 3 days consoling you..
everytime i needed you, you are not there for me... everytime i dun need you, you force me to need you..
ever since those words.. i knew it would be hard ... hard for him to get used to all these.. n hard for me to try to show him only the positive side of love..how could i.. when all my life.. only the wrong kinda people would help me.. n i yself in turn helping n sacrificing for those people i thought are the right kind. what bout my ex?? been used... exploited ..tested by him... stll hurt when i think of him right now.. can even cry thinking back of my idiocy..
thought i had moved on n found a better one.. but right now.. still getting hurt.. ten fold more even.. n right now.. i m still helping him. teaching him.. in the end hoping i could get his love.. but no.
i can't. he want his freedom..
m i just sent by heaven to help others???
wont someone help me??
won't someone love me????
all this while.. i had the thought that he would never ever leave me.. felt so secure... n nice.. n intimate. n stable... but then everytime ..
n all this while.. i was so happy.. thought that i m really worthwhile.. worthy of sacrificing his freedom.. but its not.. ..so wat bout me giving up MY freedom??
everytime we went over... it s just another special moment to me.. but to him.. he would try his best not to even thinkabout it... how can i tell this to him.. since he want me to be calm even when i m hurt...
learnt alot from his parents.. told me to be patient. loving him needs alot of sacrificing... so much that i find difficulty in keeping myself calm..
everything is as new to him as to me.. i can't think straight.. lust always overcome me.. i can't do anything right.. so difficult.. wondering wats wrong n wats right all the time..
wanted him to be better.. in a selfish way.. i wanted him to change.. so does his parents.. but he can't. n they said that only God can.
n i wonder if i m wrong for thinking like that.. for wanting to change him.. for forcing him... he hates it. he even hates me.
i wonder why is he still here with me.
can't be there for him.. can't do anything for him... can't do the right things.. can't understand him. can't nothing and everything.
so painful.. i wish there'll be a day where i can finally sacrifice everything i have.. all my talents just to make him change for the better... will i love him that much one day??
back to square one.. wat u give is wat u get..
sigh. it hurts.
8/9/04
8/7/04
i love you...don't go
so gentle...yet with such a force.. unstoppable
ah.. so blissful...wish i could have this moment longer... forever.. n ever.. just u n me...everything we did.. so wonderful n dreamy..
but bought back down to reality with such harshness... ASSIGNMENTS!
blah
pui!!
8/4/04
I HATE THE WAY I M
somehow i couldn't escape from things that i thought are long gone.
.... the same scenario is happening again. same thing as few years ago. still the same. i haven't change. i have been lying to myself all along.
i hate it i hate it.
y do i have to be like this.
