wooho!!! jaki's back jaki's back.

jaki rocks jaki rocks


the MAIN inspiration during my mid teens to start cg-ing. is from her.
check it out.

a very loose n free sense of creativity.
DOGMATIST

i want her yaoi. yaoi.yaoi.
dun ask me what izzit. its this.um. naughty side of me. mauahahahahaha

finally have the time to blog.

ok

sunday
my dad took me to a place. a very remote place. i was shaking with fear. first they made us wash ourselves. they r afraid of STDS
..
n then we were told to sit down. my dad next to me. n he started.

now he, is fat. with moustache.

he squeezed.. poked. twitched. with all his strength. n i screamed again n again.

i clutched my fathers hand. n all he did was laugh.

oh. i was rudely deflowered. he pushed n poked. n my whole body felt went contorted.

my father said. relax

i couldnt take it

it went on n on for 40 minutes. the agony of it.
pregnancy's easier. i swear. my heart was beating so fast i was sweating. clutching at my fathers hand

oh. he was sleeping. all these while. he was sleeping. while i screamed. cursed. threatened.

i tried over n over again to distract myself by looking at a very amateur oil painting of fishes.
amateur... why amater. cuz though thru all my contortions i can make out a very badly stroked shadow. a fish tail that just disappear.


finally!!

40 minutes over. i coul barely walked. i staggered.

my dad paid. n we walked out.

out of

REBORN foot reflexology.

wannafly.cantfly.falldown.
wananholdu.notthere.falldown
wannacry.cant.noone
wannalove.cant.
whatissit.
time.
space.
distance
love
others
guys
girls.

no.. justunme.
halfofurheart
partofurlife
partofurbody

mywholeheart
mywholelife
mywholebody

ahaha..
whatshit
fornothing
nothing

again

ahhhhhh
somehowdincare
nofeelings
notlikelasttime.
notsomuch

butstill
got
pain
pain
pain

love
love
love

you
you
you
you.

iseeu
seeu
far
far

canthold
cantlove
canttell
anymore

missu
loveu
needu
wantu

always
always
always

oneday
willseeu
seeu
someoneelse
someoneelse's
notmine
i'llseeitinureyes
thatimastranger
u'llseeitinmine
thaturastranger

love


forever


inheart

nocontact
canttouch

ahhhhh

why now de???i waited so long. cooked stories. now only come
i cannot
cannot repeat


cannot repeat

i tought miracles only happen once
why again one??? so good meh..........


can't help it
nvm de.
after tomorowill forget all bout iit.... will one


unless miracle happen again...

i m a christian

no u r not scroling down n skipping this

n yes i m gonna preach

.

ok

i m sick n tired of reading atheist's blogs.

www.svicideking.blogspot.com ... see the blank entry with the pig's live crucification? highlight the whole entry n be very angered by what he did on christmas.

to sum it all. in my softened words. he put 2 planks. crucify a pig liver there. put some notes.

n hang it/ nail to churches' gates.

on christmas.

another example.

www.xiaxue.blogspot.com

she decided to make a long blog entry critisizing christians just because her younger brother decided to go to church on christmas. n because her long lost friend couldn't stop preachign to her.

n she left christians defenseless because she commented sternly that she will delete every post that contain elements of preaching.

....

now when u hear a song u really love. what do u do. u share.

a movie. u share. n u hope to see the same joy in ur friend's faces that was in ur face.

its just the same. i found someOne who loves me n could loves u. what do i do. i share.

i want u to feel how much awe i felt. how much love. so i share

dun come complaining that u hear nothing. u felt nothing. u were forced to say u felt something out of shame. n out of ur i-want-2-please-my-christian-friends attitude.

dun go around askign the same stupid question. if god loves us all. y someof us crippled. some of us poor. some of us stupid. y people get raped. get killed.

god gave us free will. mistakes we did using our free will. are carried on to the next generation. u rape a friend. ur daughter will get the same treatment. u play a guy out. ur son will get it .

you steal. u kill. maybe in ur generation of family. someone gets crippled . the one who pays for ur debts n wrongdoings r ur loved ones.

u take drugs u go clubbing u fornicate. u will get it not in ur life. but ur generation will face twice the pain.

so dun come wailing demanding that people shouldnt be crippled when some of their anscestors were not punished for their evil deeds on earth. so god take action.

yes its unfair to those who's being punished for something they didn't do. its just something to stop us from sinning so that our loved ones won't get the pain n sufferings.

the sufferings u get today is not ur fault. neither it is god's.

dun blame others for living righteously in god's way while u go clubbing. fucking. smokeing. drugs. N THE MEAN TIME complain about god dun wanna touch u or feel u or why he make us poor n stupid n crippled one ar???

where's the sense in that.

no use stopping clubbing. smoking. drugs. sex. n expect god to come to u in return for ur efforts. it takes more than that.

His love comes without conditions . but dun expect something so great to come to u when u only sacrifice something so little.

u have to find out mreo botu Him for him to come to u. like how u do when u love someone.

u have to love him first before everything else. read the bible.

complain complain without getting facts right. even if u wanna complain about food u ahve to eat the food first.

siao kao.

finally have time to blog. because i woke up at the wrong time..
i have been busy with flash.ridiculous

but i did not miss cyber christmas. i did not help out either

i m still busy ...but free til he wakes up.

nothing happened on new year or my birthday. did work

had a dream. miss them all vvv much. never see them for so long adi

now that bastard/bitch that crapped at my shoutbox ON MY BIRTHDAY. stop what u r doing or i'll wreck ur computer. by digital means.



i fell down in the toilet just before cyber christmas. i fell head on. i wrecked my handphone.

anyway. thanks to shien sim, charel, david and celine for ur present. i guess its celine who chooses it. cuz its in purple. it is.. so. her. hehehe


my sister has been vvv sweet... she actually remembered my birthday without anyone reminding her. i wonder where did she wrote it down. anyway. that day was thursday.. when my parents came back she demanded for me.. she assumed i must be back home since its my birthday. n she ASKED for my number. called me n wished me

n the next day. she called me again. n told me she made a present for me( a tissue box with a paper bracelet inside wrapped with newspaper) n a card.

dai sek...dai sek.

i didn't know i miss home so much...
oh.
n i also didn't know i dreaded home so much until my father suggested i read the .. dunno wat term.. its a buddhist book.

ahh.

well. since he is loaded with fortune tellers n feng shui masters at least one of them would already HAVE told him 'i can foresee...that ur daughter would rebel. would turn against u n be a christian. n it will cause ur death.'

right.

cuz it was actually predicted that one of his children cause his death.

must be me..teehee.

what ridiculous shit


n did i mention that my ex went to a fortune teller that foresaw my future.

i will forget my ex in the years to come. i will stay with a friend in an apartment or condo.
i m rich
i m successful
ah. a rich fiance. over 6 years my senior. OUCH
we got married. OUCH.
he got me pregnant. shit.
he has mistresses. damn
i found out. how
he pushed me down the stairs. or i fell down. watever
baby's gone

divorce. money's gone
job's gone
i come running back to my papa. crying
stepmom shoo me out of the house with a broom.

papa gimme a house to stay

i suddenly remembered my ex. wa. amnesia.
i go to australia. look for him.

get married.
get children.



now where did darryl come in.......................hmmmm...
now i really did cried. when i hear all these. a lot.
n this simple baldie actually predicted for singapore's prime minister


ohhuhh.

i m scared.

well.right now i m more afraid of the last 4 lines than all the others above it.

shudder.




i m in control. so BAH!
n one foresaw i would follow christ. now why. why oh why

my oh my.

anyway. wuold like to thank everybody. would try to list those down.

ok. in no particular order.

charel. celine. shien sim. david for present.
darryl for present.(s)
jason for helping with sound effects n providing song
yiingtee for giving me the flash assignment n for microphone n for patience n tolerance
audrey n celine for understanding caring n worrying
johnson for worrying n caring
johnsons for voicing out the words
zeek for helping with song. n....caring also la
darryl for doing the sounds. words. helping me. caring. biba. critisize.
waking up. doing the work. findign sounds. did i mention help?
FINISHING. tolerating forgiving. being there.
thank u all


also would liek to apologize
jason johnson zeek for troubling
cc members for not being of much help
cherry. lie yuen. ca po. chin kuan for not able to see yall during festives.
darryl for misunderstanding n for acting on my own without asking. for burdening u with my work. for losing temper. PMS. for biba. crapping. scolding. beating. crying. makign u lose sleep. time. semangat. for not being able to have memorable birthdays.
dad. mom. sis. for not going home 3 weeks straight.
yiingtee if my flash fail.
to all the people that msged me but i din have time to talk to.
audrey for failing n disappointing u. sorry...

sorry...


anyway. I GOT A PERFECT PLAN

i m gonna go back every weekend. have dance lessons on saturday. 2-3. then after that go church. yay!!!






oh. blog's song. the notebook is a marvellous movie. written by teh same author of a walk to remember. its better than a walk to remember. cried buckets when watching

funny how people liek to find movies that scares them =lie yuen
n movies that make them cry = me.

n pull everyone around them to get scared together..sob. n cry together too.


logging off/

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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doueventhinkishouldbeproudofcreatingallthiscatastrophey
nbeproudthatimanagedtoturnuawayfromurfamily
doueventhinkthaticannotseethatitisallsofuckingfakethtiwannacry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
doufuckingthinkthatidonothavefeelingsnhavenoreactionswatsoeverto
wateverfuckingthinguutteriwannabemyselfbutican'tnooneletmebe
imnotstressdonottellmewhattodowhenyouyourselfissofuckedup
doeseverythinghastogoyourwayyesithastobegoingyourway
whenikeepquietudunlikeitimakenoiseudunlikeit
cantuhelpcantuhelpcanthelpwhatisyourscanneverbeminenomatter
howgoodimnomatterhowmuchilovetheyryoursallyours
iwannabeagoodgftoucareforuhelpumakeulaughbutcanubegoodforme
canuchangeformethewayichangeforunoucantthatsnotbeingu
soimnotmyselfbutyetuwannachangeme
cantusupportcantutalkgentlyputhingsgentlyinsteadoffiringmeblamingme
tellingmeimwrongnotgoodenoughnotgonnamakeitcantuseethatconfidence
isnotsomethingicangivemyselfbutisthewayothersgiveittome
ifeltlikeagoodfornothingbeegarscannotbechoosersicannoticannot
icannotbeGOODENOUGHsostopushingstoplamentingstoptelling
mehowbadimstoptellingmeitsalljustajokewhenumeanit
uwillneverunderstanduwillneveracceptnothingnoonecanmakeusee
urworldisshuttightuwon'tchangeuratherdiebeingurselfnkilloffeveryone
elsethemeantimehurteveryonesowatthefuckruyellingatfrustratedat
howtheworldisfrustratedatwatimsayingatwatididatwhatothersexpect
ofuisn'titnecauseuwannachange
dunshoutnowdunthrowthingsnowudoingthatdoesnotmeanurangrier
thanmewhenimangryihadtocalmdowncuzitmakesuangrynihadtoconsole
ucantijustfuckingbemyselfwithoutanytantrumsfromuuonlycarewhether
amealisgoodenoughforuthewayueatitnocatsnoknivesurstyleimdifferent
sodunspoilthefuckingatmosphereeverytimeamerecatisaround
iwillneverbeneverbenoonewilleverbegoodenoughforyoubecauseuknow
whybecausebeforeyouwanttolistdownthaturnextgfhavetobeprettykind
smartlovinghonesthardheadedbeforeallthatfuckingshityouhavetobe
goodenoughforherfirstbutruareu
uthinkthaturtrueselfisthebestevengodchangewithtime
eventhosewhohavesexbeforemarriagewillgiveabusseattothegrandma
holdablindmanacrossthestreetdoeshavingsexmeansthatuhavelessgoodvaluesinu
itdoesntitdoesn'tchangewhotheyr
changingaccordingtotimeaccordingtohowgooduwannabedoesn'tmeanura
changedpersonurstillustillu
nowimnotstupidiknowustillthinkthatistillthinkthatsexbeforemarriageisgood
itisjustafreakingexample
iusedtolookacrosstheclassroomenvisioningthatcuteguyholdingmyhand
theniusedtolookacrosstheclassroomnseethatnooneisbetterthantheoneihaverightnow
nowiusedtolookacrosstheclassroomwonderingifthatguywillbeagoodbftome
thatshowmuchuchaangedmenidunlikeitnotatallimnotdesperateidunwanttobedesperate
idonotgohuntingdownloveneitherdoigothrowingawaylovethatihave

butnowirealizeicanlivewithoutuallthosetimeswehadicanhavethemwithothersn
icanstillbehappyloveisnevernaturalitiscreatedallbyourselves
icanloveothersaseasilyasiloveyoubecauserememberthisidonotloveyouoryouwhen
everythingstarteditgrewnifitgrowsitcanstopnsomehowrightnowihateyouwithallmyheart
nirealizedthatifgodwantedustobreakuphewouldhavemakemefeelallthesesooner
butiguesshedidn'twantustobreakupwerstillholdingon
butnowidun
idontihavealifeofmyownnihaveasayineverysinglechoiceimake
sodontgimmethatlookwhenidunwannabeinurgroupcuzu
nevertakeclassseriouslynevercometoclassneverytime
werinagroupimonlyremindedofhowbadimhowlousyhowstupidhowunskillful
nurremindedthatucandobetterthanmeifuhavethetimenthemood
sometimesiwishicouldtelluILLPROVEITTOYOUICANDOIT
buticantcuziknowmybestwillneverbegoodenoughsomehowgetting
4.0willneversatisfymecuzionlywannasatisfyyoustandardnow
butiguessineverwill
icannotdoitihavebecomelikeu
cantdoworkbecauseiknowitwillneverbegoodenough
ruhappynow.

goonscreamyellthrowthingspunchhurturselfitwillneverbeashurtful
ashowimfeelingnow

imnotagoodgirlicannotkeepquietiknowkeepingquietwillmakeustaylonger
iknowmakingnoisewillletufeelthaturbadformenotgoodenough
buticannotstandit

notidunwannatellubutwhenitelluthingsucannotacceptuloseurtemper
alwaysdoesucanneverbecalm
dunblamemeforpreparingtoletgoblameurselfforwantingtoletgoncausing
alltheseinsecuritiesinmeinthefirstplace
dunuevendareevaluatemepsychologicallyimdifferentfromallthebloody
patientsimnotsuicidalnotasadcaseihaveliveoutofthedamnlifeiusedtolive
ihavegrewupsonothingofthatshitappliestome
unlikeuwhowillneverliveoutofurmistakesurhabitsurweakness
ilivedoutofminedoesn'tmeanimstrongitscauseimdyingtoplease
dyingtopleasethatpersonupthere.thatpersoninmyhome
everybody.itsbecauseicarebouttheirhappiness
uthinkurnotstrongenoughbutdeepdowninsideuknowucandoit
ifuwantedtoujustwantedtogetallthebloodyattentionucanget
fromeveryoneelsewannashowhowhurturallthetime
wantingtoshoweveryonethatucannotchangeuhavetobelikethis
urwholedamnlifebutuknowucan
howmanytimesareacts
howmanytimesrreal
idonotknowufromthepersonwhoactsnothingtodowithcontrol
alltodowithmaturity
ihateuihateuforbeingsoexplosivesotemperamentalsodaringto
showittoeverybodybutyetufuckingfallforagirlwhodoesallthework
sufferallbyherselfbehindthescenes.

why??????cuzucantbelikeher?

fuckyou
duncomecallingmetellmeimwrongexplaintomewhoruwhatruhowru
howwereuwatwereucuzashonestasuritsjustanactlikeeverythingelse
ucangetangryifuwantbehappyifuwantbeaworkaholicifuwant
soysayucannotdothisordothatwhenursuchagoodactor
maybelovingmeisjustanacttoo

whatthehellru.

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HHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


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AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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