it has come.

how are you doing..
are you ok..
are you fine..
are you happy.

its painful. strickenly painful
to see the sand castle get swept away by the waves.
built it. repaired it. rebuilt. rebuilt.
in the end. it flowed away into the sea.
melting with other particles of life.
never to meet again.

will i ever see the world as a free person
who don't belong to you.
i touch myself and can only feel imprints you made on me.
i see myself and can only see you beside me.
i look around me and can only see our memories everywhere.

i feel like laughing hysterically.
i feel like crying til my heart runs out of air.
i feel like screaming hoping my screams will make everything better.

i been numb. dumb.
i never knew Sundays are so empty. so quiet.

love is like the wind.
you can't catch it. hold it. chain it.
but let it flow around you.. and feel the emotions go deep inside you
for that brief moment.
i wonder if it is only me.. who winds down the window and put my hand out while i drive.
to feel the wind.

i wonder how many drivers out there today see the beautiful sky and the clouds.
and feel the wind.

i m not free.
i m still bound by chains.
the name of my owner is still engraved on my dog tag round my neck.
wandering. lost.
looking for a key to unlock.

i wondered if you have found your painkiller yet.
i wonder if you have made new memories with someone else.
i wonder if you knew. how hard i tried. how i did not even cry. i did not even talk.

everyday..i see new faces.
i get excited.
the world is big.
it is all mine to take.
yet i couldn't take when i am in chains.

i wonder if you recall this movie.
of this story of a group of people in a prison.
when one of them gets released, he couldn't fathom the freedom.
and he end up killing himself.
he was too used to the prison.

i wonder if you knew that i was suffocating.
there are times when i waited for you. you never c0me.
there are times you waited for me. I was away. you send msgs.
to me. then to my friends.
before i could touch the keys.. the whole world is announcing and they are all worked up trying to tell me you are waiting.
and all you want to ask is what i did today. yesterday tomorrow. the day before.
i have to repeat whats in the diary. to you.
n all i really wanted to say was.. nothing happened everyday.
i do not care. i want to forget what happened everyday.

there are days i wake up. and sleep.
where you did not appear in my mind. and at night i have to tell you i miss you. i love you.
there are days i remember.. of the love that we had.
there are nights i hope my fingers can trace your jawline. and your nose.
n those times i told you i miss you. i love you.

i wonder if you could tell the difference.

there are times i realized. i have not release my chain on you.
because you are mine and mine alone.
often i feel lost. with the freedom that i have.
these are the times i feel lost without all your rules and warnings.
those are the times i should have felt irritated. just like how i felt when you existed.

somehow, the good memories have vanished.
but the bad ones are the ones I could not let go.
and they are the ones that drove me away from you.

time will not change who we are.
it will only add more scars.
the next time we meet..will we recognize each other.
will the vacant space next to our shoulder be filled with another human.
do we need to laugh and smile at the pain of seeing each other in another person's possession.

how many heartaches does it take.
to make this right.
how many beds do we need to sleep in.. to forget us.
how many more nights do i need to remove this black chain from my hand.