Prelude or Ending?

Right now I am semi-awakened albeit a half-boiled egg.

It's ridiculous and mystifying how someone can forgive another for a cruel mistake, still love that person but hate at the same time and somehow want to do her after.

Yet, it is a jealous kind of love. a selfish kind of love. suffocating and drowning the other person.

Isn't it dangerous to feel that deep without any barrier of defense for protection.

Isn't it only natural that I will protect this person.

Then there is someone else who is utterly cold and devoid of compassion, driven by fear. Similar to a frightened puppy who barks and bites anyone who comes close. Thats the impression he creates, not the impression I judged.

Isn't it dangerous to be so detached from the world?

Isn't it only natural that I will want to show him the wonders.

I admit I have a dangerous craving for a challenge, the more difficult the better. Makes me a magnet to trouble and chaos. What is it that I cannot fix anyway.. pftt.

Turns out that playing god (accidentally this time) took a turn for the worst.

By protecting, I am oversheltering and like a weak pet, how can it survive when the master is gone?

In the end, everytime I leave, he is depressed. when I show a miligram of kindness, he takes it as a proposal for happily ever after. And due to overprotection, the threshold of pain he can take goes down.

By sharing wonders, I am enticing myself to the wonders and I got caught up in something that got threaded from the illusions.

In the end, temporary attraction occurs and the difference between reality and dreams become a thin red line of pain. I now realized why I could never hate anyone, hate comes from pain. When pain is inflicted on me, I just give up entirely and move on cold and blind. Bye, that's it.

It's a wonder how I screwed up so much over the course of 24 years.

How I have hurt others and hurt myself in the end. To define myself as bad would be an understatement if I attempt to define. Cruel and apocalyptic would be more appropriate.

Of course, one would not learn if one did not fall. I felt like this time, I have completed my final lesson and degree.

.. Just that I felt that I got cheated out of more money than what I could afford in the first place, so to speak.

I used to be naive and ask alot, expect stars and galaxy, hurt when I lose.

I guess it's time for the real thing. I am ready to say no until the mysterious person appears.

I been stupid. Its just a transaction. People ask can u love me just like how they ask can I buy eggs from you?

If I can't, just say no. There's no eggs, say no.

but then again what happens if u try to give eggs when u dun have any? after 5 tries, it gets difficult to no isn't it?

It's kinda quiet and lonely at night isn't it?

Thoughts

i been drunk almost everynight now.

i am stopping.

waking up.

i talked alot with people involved.

guess april's fool came early.

tomorrow. one last thing to do. before i wake up.

when i wake up i will know what i want.

will it be a good ending or a bad one this time?

let's find out.

Back here since so long huh

Look who's back.

the bipolar and the upset one.

i m hurting in my heart. n hurting down there. i hurt someone dear to me.

now that's alot of hurt

lets start from the beginning.

i fell out of love. then fell in love.

i was strong. kind. gentle. compassionate. with empathy yet detached.

someone took it for granted. n trampled on it.

i wrecked everything in my life that is dear to me.

it was obviously, my stupidity.

i painted a future that was too good to be true. of freedom and happiness.

i took kindness for granted and trampled on someone's heart over n over again.

my dad doesnt have long left

n i lost everything in 1 week.

i have nothing else to lose.

somehow. someone played the role of both the devil and the angel. both saved and destroyed me. should I be thankful? I do not know.

I have always done things with a reward at the end of the journey. right now there is none.

am I angry? no.

am I in pain ? yes.

I m feeling every shade of destroyed when people who are involved dun give 3 fucks bout me.

how pathetic is that.

now i m truly. broken.

soon to be orphan too.

now that's a freedom people dun get often.

will i be able to heal? of course. cuz i m not some chapalang street girl.

i m haze long for christ sake. but sadly, i let people treat me like a chapalang lala chick.

its a whole circle of pain for everyone involved. n i m not the victim. :)

but the assailant. again.

i m truly grateful to my friends. i know no one will read this unless they bothered. so i can just blast all my shit here.

thank you. celine. vinn. johnny. bryan. carrot. kevin. ciki. ky. gareth. kim. jaclyn.

there is no way for me to express my excuses or reasons for being so selfish to one n yet so selfless to another. nor so cruel to one n yet so kind to the other.

in the end, i was betrayed by the weakness and fragility in others.

i was never the one who was confused. i had a clear crisp resolution of what i wanted.

yet everyone around me seems to be in a fog.

n obviously i m in denial. i too was in a fog. now the fog is cleared, the truth is out, the worst is over.

here comes happiness for all of us.

i pity those who are involved that doesn't have friends to support them. i guess i have it easier for this part of the incident.

but i learnt. to never ever ruin. never. ruin. my life. ever again. by being caught up in the moment n blinded by my own delusions.

i guess the feeling that i can accurately pinpoint is hellbreak.

maybe that will come true. if it does, happiness is still in store for at least some people.

if it doesn't. then fuck. my. life.

at least. I am healing. from chaos, selfishness.

i no longer need to play the role of a bad girlfriend. of a bad friend.

i no longer need to keep secrets.

every damn thing is out in the open.

n i know, i m becoming a better person.

here comes better life.