haze

i can only savor the desperate pain inside me every night.
as what could be cannot be.

how can one build the great wall of china.. love it. hate it. repair it again and again. and then tore it down to start with one new brick.

i don't know if I ever could.

yet all the cars that passed, all the chances missed.
there is a silent desperation for me to break free.

and when everything is too late. for anyone..
will i have the heart to cry.
when tears no longer hold the full weight of my sadness.
they are discoloring me into someone else that i do not know.

when i m so exhausted from injecting anesthetic into my heart everyday..
pretending, spacing out.
i m nothing but a stone..
saved only when broken into sand.

nobody. somebody.
beloved. loved.
belong. longed for.

its all but a title you tell your friends.
what i longed for is a fairy tale that does not exist in this world.

yet i put up a fake visage each day to pretend i m real. i m bad. i m a bitch.
i m no longer honest with myself.
guess i m an adult now.

making things last, forsaking all temporary pleasantries.

i miss those days where i hop. skip. run.
where i can cry in tune to the sadness in me.
where i can scream and rage in tune to the anger in me.
where i can love in tune to the heart in me.

i forsake them all. for the great wall of china i built over all these years.
it would be a shame to tear it down.

and even if i do tear it down.. who is to say that the sun will rise for what i m gonna built soon..
when everyone else is just as torn and empty as i am.

what is there to like.
about me.