woes

my bipolar personality has taken yet another morbid twist. Yesterday I was all beaming and happy.. flying like a wing fairy.. now I am emo like a black crow that got stuck with an even uglier witch.

my birthday is coming in 1 and a half hours time.. shit don't feel special no more.. til to the extent that i wish that no one would know or remember my birthday.

I am the kinda person that drives out for errands alone and then bang my car while reversing ( not for parking but on a driving lane). I would also smoke in front of my sis n bro.. i don't remember anyone's birthday except for my parents and my boyfriend. if i were to fly to tokyo tomorrow, I wouldn't have a farewell dinner or party or glamour clubbing.

the funny thing is.. I thought i was good. i thought i was the nicest. the kindest. the most glam.
but the older i get.. the more I began to accept that well.. I am a boring kinda person.

maybe it's just today.

but for all these years.. during my birthdays.. I would smile and say thank you to all the presents and wishes.. but inside.. i dun even remember who wish me and what the hell did i get for my birthday. it was just never a special day for me.

hence i hate the trend of buying other people dinner when it is your birthday.
i even remember the last few years i was in uni, i would post a list of stuff i want on my birthday.. so that well.. friends wouldn't have to guess up right left down for a present that i want.

now that i m not staying around my friends no more.. there is no more need to do that... and i thought... well.. i can have some peace and quiet and sleep through my birthday. i even posted blushberry posts all on saturday so that i can sleep through my birthday in oblivion.

i hate how my life had became.

i used to covet for fine dining.. cuz i rarely go to them.. now i dun even bother to treat my fine dinings the way i should treat expensive food. i dun even finish my food.

they are not special anymore..

even presents.. books.. makeup.. accesories.. clothes.. i have had my share of presents.. they dun impact me anymore..

surprises.. kisses.. hugs.. romanticsm.. i had them all.. if i were to have them again. same person or not. its the same. which is why all i asked for is.. nothing.

parties... clubs.. i love being in the limelight.. I THOUGHT.
the fact is i hate it. i m awkward.. i dunno how to act.. how to draw proper attention to myself without looking like a fool..

the funny thing is.. sometimes.. through out all these years.. eventhough i felt like that.. some friends still make effort.. ALOT of effort to make me happy.. n i tried.. in order to please them n hopefully the happiness will be induced and I will be happy as well..

the fact is.. i can let go of anything.. anyone.. without feeling anything. sure i love my mac.. if i spoil it today i wouldn't cry. no.
even when my sugar gliders died..i din feel anything.
if i were to leave for another country.. i would just pack my bag and go. without a word.

nothing seems to mean anything to me.. nowadays.

i wish that i m more like vinn.. upbeat.. optimistic.. able to lift everybody's spirits up just by being around them.. going to a party and be the star for that night..

but i m not.. i do not know how to host a party with a smile.. maybe i do not know how today.
if i were to go to a night party.. i most probably will drink the night away on a stool... wishing.. there is someone out there as lonely as i am.. who share my woes.

this is exactly why. people like me cannot be happy.


now i feel the need to write a long disclaimer...
i m not ranting cuz nothing is gonna happen tomorro.. regardless of what today is.. or tomorow is.. or the next day.. i m just me.. i m not hinting for a big birthday bash or presents...

its been a long time since i walked into a shopping center and see produts that I can buy.. instead of products that i can buy to resell..

its been a long time since i tried making myself happy.. all i think is i must help him him her her .. do this that ..



which leads me to my 2009 resolutions.. which is impossible to think of.. unless i had my future planned with someone special in my mind..
but here goes.

1. be more healthy : have better skin, more hair, more sleep, n remove the growth next to my lips)
2. earn enough money to purchase a house/condo at the end of the year.
3. find my tsuruga ren
4. learn fashion design and do a mini collection
5. fix up all the tangles