Family

All children disappoint their parents.

We often say "We do not get to choose who our parents are"
but in fact, they do not get to choose who their children will be.

Some parents don't give a fuck.
Most parents just want the best for us.

Some parents can't wait for us to leave the house
Most parents just want to cage us forever.

We are never perfect and never will be.
So forget the Stepford family that you are trying to portray.
We all have skeletons in our closet.
and we just want you to love us, skeletons beers smokes and all.

Sometimes we rebel.
Most of the times, we compromise and wait for the storm to be over.
Most of the times, we can't wait to get out of the house to be with our friends or girl friends or boy friends.
Most of us treat home like a hotel.

but that doesn't mean we don't love our parents.
but sometimes, we do push their patience and test their unconditional love for us.

that's what children do.

there comes a breaking point where a child turns 18 or 21 and become mature.
but not all parents change the way they talk or treat their grown up child when that happens.
to them, we are still their baby in diapers.

there comes another point where that child will force out of their cage.
some doesn't.

I love my dad very much. sometimes i feel the urge to keep him at my side at all times.
i feel the urge to control him. and his life.
most of all, i feel the urge to sort his life in order and make him happy.
i even told people I want to marry him. what the fuck right.
but i don't.

because I know that for the man that he is, he is capable of living his own life to his satisfaction.
I am grateful for he feels the same for me ( i think)


sometimes.. we just gotta have faith in our parents' or children's capability to go on without us.
it may even be unsettling to know that they probably get on happier without us.
but it is a price that only unconditional love can pay.

if you have been caging someone for long, he will break out soon and never come back.
learn to let go.. and you'll find that he will come back to you.

who am i to teach you... when i have no mother. and my father is all i have.
well, its heartwrenching to see lovey dovey families. i never had that.
its even more painful to see normal families arguing. i never had that.

just don't want you to lose what you have. that's all there is.

bridge over troubled water

"When ur weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

What is there to say when all that I am thinking
is gushing through the spaces between my cells like torrents of brown muddy water.
how do I filter and distill them into water in order to explain to you.

I know you are hurting. so am I too.

"When ur down and out,
When ur on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

All that I can see when I look at you is the hurt I put upon you.
causing you to recoil in defense.
Am I that scary.

The problem with us is that there is no problem at all.
but there is still something that can't be fixed.
what is it.

i caused all the catastrophe, underestimating my own feelings for you.
and now all the collateral damage is on us.
We are still healing.
yet somehow I opened some new wounds again.

paging.. paging for Haze Long.. if you are Haze Long.. please come to the counter.

Drain. the veins from my head.
Clean out the reds in my eyes.
to get by this life.

I complain, for the company that I keep.
but who's laughing now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll walk through the maze with a little less stumble.

Fool. the batteries that I keep.
Inject some calories into my skin.
to get some color back.

I cry, for the lack of time that I have.
but who's consoling now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll reach out to the dreams.

Chill. the bacardi in the hourglass.
Lock the awards away in the X-ray machine.
to prepare for the postponed celebration.

I screamed, at all the running success.
but who's understanding.
i'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll make my efforts become the success that I want.


" Haze Long is busy and cannot come to the counter at the moment, please leave a message"

i dunno

if i could make you happy by saying yes.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by changing.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my time.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my family and friends.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by lying and pretending.. i would
i did


i have lived so long for your happiness banking that your given happiness would be sufficient to light my heart..
its just that the light has grown dim..

if i could love you forever.. i would... i really would..
i still love you.. it pains me to see you hurt.. it pains me to my core..

perhaps you felt the same way.. perhaps you 'if i could-i would-i did' on me too...

you are everything I wanted and more.. why did the feeling fade.. but the pain strengthens..

because i did 'if i could-i would-i did' and it shouldn't be like that.. it should be effortless deeds that pleases each other. living on accomodating is difficult.

its eating me up.. its killing me. yet why can't i leave..


i m tired.. of lying.. accomodating.. of crying wolf of 'break up' when I couldn't let you go.
let you go to another one. knowing I lost you forever.

you said that I would be in the special place in your heart forever.. but i just want to love you, instead god played a joke on me and took the love away, replaced it with pain.

its really painful.. its hurting.. i was wrong to say I felt pain. this is like no other.

yet I know.. that you will not change.. you are an open book that will remain the same.
it is me. that fooled you with a fake story, in the end I destroyed the only thing I ever wanted in my life. you.

i destroyed it by pretending to be someone I am not. cuz I adapt too easily into another skin and mask just to please you. can you even tell that you really know me.


how could I have ever thought that giving you little moments of happiness would bring such distress and unsettledness in me.

yes. we could be together. forever. mend each other hearts.
but there is too much old shit to change. n its not like new shit won't come.
will you be willing to work with me..

or will this repeat.

... we could go on separate ways.. into the uncertainty and into the big world outside our bubble.
i could find someone that I can effortlessly make him happy without accomodating..
you could find someone that love you as much as you love her.. now isn't that a beautiful thought.

i could also fall into the same trap over n over again because I am me and I cannot change my eager to please ways..
you could also ... you see this is the problem.. i do not think you will have a problem at all.. cuz ur that wonderful.

i still remember the man i fell in love with.. now he is gone, replaced by a babylike boy who is childlike and playful.
n u still remember the woman u fell in love with... now she is gone, replaced by a wild. overambitious insecure workaholic.

hence we tried. tried to love who we have became.. most of all we accomodate to these changes..n it sucks.. cuz i m wondering where is my man and you are wondering where is the woman who caught your heart.

sometimes its predictable. your actions and behaviour. like how you would turn up today unannounced, n how u are extra careful and sweet.. how u thank someone you hated before.. just to tag at another chance with me..
but when u score it, will u keep on with this behaviour... or will you just turn back to normal...cuz if u do.. we'll probably end up like this again.

i was so influenced by my mom's diary... words of love and pride of her man before she died.. I wanted to experience it... but I couldn't with you.


of course I do not know what to do....
how can one be rational at love when it is the only thing that you can be irrational and lose your control completely. i love to drown in the emotions... without passing thru the customs of the rational airport.

sure i know what I want.
if i leave.. i want to be happy. be free. find out who i am.. play.. work at my own pace.. grab career opportunities the minute they sparked up.

and if i stay.. i know I want to be happy once more, to be in love again with the same person who stole my heart.. cuz if i have the ability to love.. i would love you again.. and no other.. cuz ur that fabulous to me.

but i guess it was all lost one rainy day.... the day where I so cruelly tested u with my anger, not that I am that furious anyway. n since then.. everything went downhill.. we lost what was sweet and romance became routine. kisses became greetings. and the feeling of bliss just by touching ur finger became nothingness, just like touching ur own finger.

since then, i have tried.. i pleaded.. for things to go back to where they were.. but u couldn't do it. didn't wanna do it. i dunno.
then things went on the path that lead us to today.. the accomodating, compromising, sacrificial routine of everyday life for each other.

isn't things supposed to be as effortless as the big before. where a single conversation in front of the class send tingles of love down our spine and melting our hearts?

where has that go... i am still searching.. where.. maybe it has gone away for good.. maybe it has gone to someone else.. which I fervently hope it did. cuz you couldn't bring it back. not one time..
maybe it takes too much effort and toll on you, but it shouldn't when the mere existence of me right in the chair in front of you makes you feel like that luckiest guy in the world.

u probably forgotten how it felt then.. cuz ur so comfortable now. cuz if we were in that state.. i wouldn't be like this.. so stupidly accomodating to ur needs and happiness.... i wish that it would come back.. for me. for us.

but how could it when you didn't want it to go back to the way it were before..n also, now we have both changed into something we are both not comfortable with.

n we also have different needs and goals now..

yes i hold you dear.. n i care. and I love you.. but i have no confidence in making this be good anymore..
i have no more confidence in being happy and high up in heavens when u get me something nice..
i only see it as another chain locking me down to this routine of accomodation and nothingness.
more n more chains popped up.. n i grew more n more distressed... especially when u play the controlling chain game...it just tears me up...

but i m a coward.. i do not want to leave you.. yet i do not want to attempt to try and get the love back cuz i m afraid of the same accomodating, compromising, life with you.


i do not know what i want. n i have no confidence in love anymore.. when something so beautiful can become something so dull and grey in such a short time..

i wished i could have done things differently.. to keep the passion alive...

but now i just need to know if i can go on... or not.

i just dunno... dunno.... dunno