Prelude or Ending?

Right now I am semi-awakened albeit a half-boiled egg.

It's ridiculous and mystifying how someone can forgive another for a cruel mistake, still love that person but hate at the same time and somehow want to do her after.

Yet, it is a jealous kind of love. a selfish kind of love. suffocating and drowning the other person.

Isn't it dangerous to feel that deep without any barrier of defense for protection.

Isn't it only natural that I will protect this person.

Then there is someone else who is utterly cold and devoid of compassion, driven by fear. Similar to a frightened puppy who barks and bites anyone who comes close. Thats the impression he creates, not the impression I judged.

Isn't it dangerous to be so detached from the world?

Isn't it only natural that I will want to show him the wonders.

I admit I have a dangerous craving for a challenge, the more difficult the better. Makes me a magnet to trouble and chaos. What is it that I cannot fix anyway.. pftt.

Turns out that playing god (accidentally this time) took a turn for the worst.

By protecting, I am oversheltering and like a weak pet, how can it survive when the master is gone?

In the end, everytime I leave, he is depressed. when I show a miligram of kindness, he takes it as a proposal for happily ever after. And due to overprotection, the threshold of pain he can take goes down.

By sharing wonders, I am enticing myself to the wonders and I got caught up in something that got threaded from the illusions.

In the end, temporary attraction occurs and the difference between reality and dreams become a thin red line of pain. I now realized why I could never hate anyone, hate comes from pain. When pain is inflicted on me, I just give up entirely and move on cold and blind. Bye, that's it.

It's a wonder how I screwed up so much over the course of 24 years.

How I have hurt others and hurt myself in the end. To define myself as bad would be an understatement if I attempt to define. Cruel and apocalyptic would be more appropriate.

Of course, one would not learn if one did not fall. I felt like this time, I have completed my final lesson and degree.

.. Just that I felt that I got cheated out of more money than what I could afford in the first place, so to speak.

I used to be naive and ask alot, expect stars and galaxy, hurt when I lose.

I guess it's time for the real thing. I am ready to say no until the mysterious person appears.

I been stupid. Its just a transaction. People ask can u love me just like how they ask can I buy eggs from you?

If I can't, just say no. There's no eggs, say no.

but then again what happens if u try to give eggs when u dun have any? after 5 tries, it gets difficult to no isn't it?

It's kinda quiet and lonely at night isn't it?