i have so much on my mind that its impossible to express it all out in words.

... i know what i need to do is just to pretend that its the truth i m hearing and just beg him to come back to me... but... i dunno .. i feel..compelled to keep quiet.

i was too naive.. no one will give up the whole forest just for one tree.. no one but me..the foolish me.

i m disappointed in myself..in my disabilities to make him love me.. disappointed in my vulnerability to him.. all the tears that wet my pillow these few nights..

for the first time.. i felt guilt drowning me instead of anger... as usual..for the first few seconds i m upset and wanted to end everything...but after that.. i felt vulnerable again..

...maybe i was in debt of him in my previous life... repaying mydebts now...

love leave for somewhere,
heart goes for nowhere.

i have been thinking day n night bout what this means....
does it mean that when there's love..then there'll be motive..there'll be an aim in life?
and the heart chose where it wanna belong without any reasons?

...does it mean.. our heart will just simply choose to belong to someone else..and with love.. we will have an aim in life??

what the heck does it mean???


whoever who know what it mean..please email me..at hazy_glade@hotmail.com

UNWELL

All day staring at the ceiling..making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.

Hold on! Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why...


But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be...me.

I'm talking to myself in public, dodging glances on the train and I know, I know they've all been talking about me..I can hear them whisper and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking, somehow I've lost my mind

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me ..yea... they're taking me away

I'm just a little unwell

i miss him so much... sob..sob...what is he doing now.... i wonder..

i m trying so hard not to be frustrated..at my family..my sis..my dad..at him..and at myself..

.. but conveniently my dad was in a good mood today.. i was playing beauty and the beast..and he asked me..who's the beauty?... i just wanna broke down n cry n cry... but i was determined not to let my frustration n weakness show.. and he asked..who's the beast?.. wa.. i feel like collapsing..

and more conveniently my sis happen to hate me today..

..i can't pretend i m not upset.. ... it take the whole lot of my guts for me not to lose my temper on anybody today.


... you can't blame me really.. when i have been getting ready and excited like a small kid about to go on a holiday.. laughing and eager today... when suddenly the news just came.

... i can't go to school tomorow...i had no idea how will i face my friends' questions and reactions
i dunno how to face them.. face the disappointment..


... sigh. it makes me realize how helpless both of us are. still young and very much controlled by every single thing between us. parents. studies. DISTANCE. reality. feelings.

... i dunno why..i dunno why.. why is he holding on to me?..and why m i holding on to him?
...will we have a happy ending? ..


i kept telling myself to appreciate the moment.. telling him about that too.. but i can't do it. i kept picturing both of us together.. in the bed.. holding each other..looking into each other's eyes.. finding words to express our love for each other.. i dunno why the hell i keep wanting to be with him.

......i won't cry.. i won't.

真真的我。

或许我不应该逼他爱我。。 不应该逼他用我的方法去爱我。。
我要的东西太多了。。

有时候知道自己真的很不可爱。。不得他爱。。天天问他为什么没有比他们更爱我。。
但是没有问自己为什么会这样。。

不敢去真真的爱他。。因为怕伤害自己。也怕伤害他。
不敢给他真真的爱我。。怕他只要的是我最珍惜的东西。


别人有的辛副。。我和他是不会有的。 但是， 是这是我们有各人的不同世界带了
我最大最大的辛副。

我不想怀疑了。。也不想不相信他。 可能是我太过在意他的生活。

太过在意他讲的东西。。他做的东西。。直到没有在意他的感受。


我真的不适合爱人吗？
不适合爱他吗？

因为我伤心他答应过我。。"i'll never let you go." 让我没有安全感。。好像。。
我只能拥有他的身体不能拥有他的心。 已经不重要了。。因为我真的不可以失去他。。



我知道。。我有让他失眠。。哭泣。。伤心。。 我如何给他辛副呢？


。。。对他来说。。我生气是因为我伤心，因为我心疼。。 但是原因就是我喜欢他
每次安慰我。。说 "i love you.." 说他爱的是我。。要的人是我。。 要 我陪伴
他过世。。
可能我太脆弱了。。

我知道这样下去会很辛苦。。对他和我。
但是我真的没办法失去他。。让他走。


当我们认识的时候。。天天很长恨长的email..还有cgs..虽然在 cgs 里不是他心里
的话。。他真的让我觉得很辛副。。很快乐。
当我做 错了一次。。伤害了他。。天天的email 变成空空的inbox.
没有他的回答。。我开始写日记了。。希望有人会回答，他会留意。。 因为太寂寞
了。。但是不单他不留意。。而我也更加伤害他的心。


他喜欢控集我的习惯。。让我不甘心也控集了他。 对方踏不到对方的要求，就有冷
简。
可能他害怕失去我。。害怕我的这样态度会去爱别人，会欺骗他。。会伤害他。。



但是我真的真的爱的依然是他。过了那么多久。。爱的也是他。


。。我累 了。。不想再defend 自己。。也不要让他想我那么的任性，那么不可爱。。



其实 。。。。 我该做的是什么？ 我使过不出声。。真的很
辛苦。。 很辛苦。


。。忙了一天。。回到房子里。。想的人会 是他。。 想见他。。拥抱他。。 但是。。
房子有的是寂寞。。燃烧了我的心。。


。。多两天。。 他会来这里。 我打算要好好的爱他。。让他感觉我对他的爱。。
但是真实的世界会不会让我装的没有笑容呢？

可能我会把我最珍惜的东西全都给他。。无论他欺骗我几多次。。我还不能够恨他。。


。。我要说的是。。 对不起。。 真的很抱歉。。 爱我是很辛苦。。对不起。谢谢
你没有放起过我


用华语来写blogspot 可以让我表达真真的我。 而且这样也不会伤害他。

燕

i m keeping quiet... ..even this is wrong?.... i dunno what to do anymore. .... ......

.....

口不是心。。 口讲的东西。。。不等於心的感觉

i will design a proper website after my spm.. i will...

its frustrating.. how i always tell so much and get no reaction in return.. god.. .. maybe i haven't been paying attention to them in return...

dunno dunno .. what the heck.

... everything also dunno. ..... single meh??

bullshit.

i m beginning to hate myself for n more each day...

.. ...its hard changing myself... the attitude... n what's so amazing is that i m not the least aware that i m hurting people.

talk bout ignorant huh....?

....feel like isolating away from my friends..family and love one.... can't imagine how much i have hurt them.. maybe this would be running away... but at least it will stop more damage...

i dunno...i really dunno... ... dun feel like apologizing cuz i know it won't do any good... ...


maybe i should be grateful that i m not too late to try n change things.

.....what m i.

MISJUDGED

...stigmatized...for my looks..for the clothes i wore..

i m not what i seem to be

this isn't the first time.. got used to the pain.. i will be strong n not cry no matter what happens.

xie xie ni de ai.

-DAY
& NIGHT FOR YOU-

when darkness falls, love is no music, it is noise.

words of kindness is just nuisance to the ears.

hope for the light is not enough, for light brightens up the heart, not the room.

yet a yearning comes deep n strong, up above all the lies.

when light came, regret n remorse drowns.. but it is too beautiful to the eyes.


love became love..words of kindness became music to the ears.

all i can do is await the misery of the night.

-YEN-

when darkness falls, love is no music, it is noise.

If there is no love in your heart, no matter how I love
you… I m just making you hate me more n more.

words of kindness is just nuisance to the ears.

How I care for you.. how I love you.. no matter how, I
m just a nuisance to you.

hope for the light is not enough, for light brightens
up the heart, not the room.

Eventhough I hope for you to love me, its no use…
cuz love comes from you, not me.

yet a yearning comes deep n strong, up above all the
lies.

But still, I keep hoping you will one day love me, eventhough
everything I hear from you is all lies.

when light came, regret
n remorse drowns.. but it is too beautiful to the eyes.

When you finally trust me..and love me, you regret for what you have done. But
you are too caught up in your own feelings for you to care.

love became love..words of kindness became music
to the ears.

My love for you finally became love, and you finally began to appreciate my
care for you.

all i can do is await the misery of the night.

But I know, you will hate me n distrust me once more..and all I can do is wait
for it to come again.

why must it be me everytime?
..... i m so sick... dunno why..everytime go there... when i come back..i m bound to be sick.. n tired..

... why he never care..

...saying i love you..seems so easy few months ago....now its the hardest sentence for me to say... because it seem to mean more n more... when i mean something, i find it hard to say it out.... forgive me..sorry..i love you..all those..

know what i really feel like doing?...felt like falling asleep on his chest.. as he breathe in and out... warm..so soft.. but haha.. i know he'll wake up with numb chest..

wanna kiss him... intertwine my fingers with his... lock our legs together... as we breathe heavily..

what m i thinking... i miss him damn much. ... and even that seemed hard to say. ...