haze

i m trying so hard not to be frustrated..at my family..my sis..my dad..at him..and at myself..

.. but conveniently my dad was in a good mood today.. i was playing beauty and the beast..and he asked me..who's the beauty?... i just wanna broke down n cry n cry... but i was determined not to let my frustration n weakness show.. and he asked..who's the beast?.. wa.. i feel like collapsing..

and more conveniently my sis happen to hate me today..

..i can't pretend i m not upset.. ... it take the whole lot of my guts for me not to lose my temper on anybody today.


... you can't blame me really.. when i have been getting ready and excited like a small kid about to go on a holiday.. laughing and eager today... when suddenly the news just came.

... i can't go to school tomorow...i had no idea how will i face my friends' questions and reactions
i dunno how to face them.. face the disappointment..


... sigh. it makes me realize how helpless both of us are. still young and very much controlled by every single thing between us. parents. studies. DISTANCE. reality. feelings.

... i dunno why..i dunno why.. why is he holding on to me?..and why m i holding on to him?
...will we have a happy ending? ..


i kept telling myself to appreciate the moment.. telling him about that too.. but i can't do it. i kept picturing both of us together.. in the bed.. holding each other..looking into each other's eyes.. finding words to express our love for each other.. i dunno why the hell i keep wanting to be with him.

......i won't cry.. i won't.