haze

fathers day 1994

yolanda stood rooted to the floor. her mom was cooking as usual. yolanda watched from the kitchen. her mom had her hand on her hip while the other held the wok chan frying something..looking frail n pale in her usual thin flimsy white pyjamas.

theres something bout this woman that made yolanda felt complied to love her. something sad n pitiful bout her.
yolanda rushed towards her mother n hugged her from behind...

mummy ..thank you for everything...

her tears streammed dowm her cheeks, she is not an emotional person..but this woman deserve all the emotions she could muster.

cathy ..amused at her daughter's sudden surge of love, patted her back as how a mother would when being distracted while watching her favourtie show.. she looked at her daughter.. thin. 6 years of age..she lost her figure for this daughter.. in return she flooded her daughter with ribbons, curls and dresses despite her husband's disapproval of her spending.

cathy loved to shop .. she shop in the night market. after work. during weekends. she loved to dress up. for many years she prolonged her pregnancy for the sake of her figure, unaware of the rewards and satisfaction that a child could give. finally, she decided... after 10 years of ups n downs with her boyfriend since 16.. she finally married him... and after 2 years... she decided.

cathy also loved to cook.. she had tons n tons of recipe books. she watch the box in the living room for recipes.. the newspaper... she baked. she fried. n she always make sure her husband's dinner is warm no matter how late he is.

she loved to draw n paint too. having studied chrome chipping.. she produced all of the house's decorations.

one thing she doesnt love. is to clean.
the house is in a mess. clothes strewn everywhere. shoes. cds. cassetes. her arts. books. in her free time, she talks on the phone. with her friends. loved by everyone.. the nephews n nieces called her the kindest. the prettiest.

but she loved her husband the most. both of them were poor.. she was always beaten by her sisters... there were 7 of them. the eldest babysat her husband. she was extremely proud of him, of his acheivements compared to all the lice infested, perverts her sisters marry...that is.. if her sister were not a prostitute who had boyfriends instead of husbands. husband i mean.
he was smart. but poor. he also had luck. he started as a wall painter in maybank to a computer operations manager in 5 years time. they were always in love.

she was always depending on him... for she is weak. physically n mentally. n he loved to protect. just like how a big man holds a shaking thin kitten to his chest for warmth n love.
there were times they broke up.. but love brought the back together again n again. after 10 long years ..they finally got married.. when he had the money to proudly declare her as his lawful wedded wife.


the door opened... n as usual.. she instructed her daughter to give a glass of water to her father... after a long day's work.. a man must always be welcomed home.
a man walked in.. heavy in the belly.. too much cancers n drunks.. but still handsome. small built ..like his wife.. like his daughter also.....sob..


dinner was delicious. for the 4 of them. the happy couple.. daughter and the father's stepsister.
she is mentally unstable. mute. n she wore rags. yolanda's playmate n the one to bully..
their parents died.. therefore the brother took care of the sister.. provided a home n food.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the first death~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

jaws was playing in the television.. but cathy is sick... and he will take her to the doctors.. of cos.. yolanda stuffed the empty cassette into the vcr.. n pushed the button RECORD.

he wasnt in a good mood.. he instructed his step sister.. NEVER to touch the channel button or anything in the remote. never.
yolanda reminded her
cathy reminded her.

they went out...

n back.

n saw the tv was playign something else.. its too early for jaws to end.


he rushed to her n swing across her face with his fist. yolanda stood rooted. there was ntohign she could do. for she suffer the same.
cathy seen this too often. how many times could she intervene? she tried to calm him down half heartedly...
yolanda went into her room to play. saddistically happy it wasnt her this time.

2 weeks later. we came back to find his step sister dead on the floor.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~problems~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yolanda looked at her parents. there were soemthing different about them.. she couldnt care less. her mother looked pale.. n she seldom cook.. or go to work..

her father come back earlier... n there were no glass of water waiting for him. its not like yolanda cared.

she saw them talking together quietly most of the time.

yolanda see no problems. she continued playing most of the time.. she was 7 ... n when she was mischievious... cathy would beat her.. but yolandawas surprised to see her out of breath... kintted together eyebrows.. almost sweating..

n she seemed to be releasing her frustration. sometiems yolanda saw her cry.... and when she approached cathy... she was always greeted with a weak smile.

one day... cathy asked her... do u like ur cousin?
yolanda answered.. of cos...
would u like to go there?
of cos! of cos!!

darren n yolanda were cousin. best mates. in the same school. he was always looking out for her. protecting her when anyone bullies her.


we have to move out of this place.. its not good for us.

but this is our home? we worked so hard to buy this house.

someone died in this house before we moved in!! my sister died! n now u are sick. do u wanna stay ... he said forcefully thru all the pain in him..leaving the sentence unfinished.

i wont die darling... she smiled weakly with love..

lets move out alright? to ur sisters. yolanda n darren can go to school together. she'l be taken care of there. i wanna take care of u now. we can go thru this together. like we always do.

you look so thin now.... i cannot take care of u like i did in the past when i m healthy..i do not want to burden u..

you are my wife! nonsense. now if u listen to me for once, we can make it.




he was angry.. n sad.. yolanda was a kid... she couldnt care. n he couldnt take it... he slapped her hard on the face. twice.. she shook with fear.. and cried out for her mother...

for the first time..cathy walked out as fast as she can.. n shouted at him as loud as she can.

how can i trust you wtih her when i die??? when u keep beating her like this?


her hand held the heavy iron.. ready to protect her daughter..
but yolanda wasnt crying . she was staring at her mother.

mummy... why are u gonna die. yolanda want mummy to be with me until i die. u cannot die. i dun wanna marry i wan mammy... u cannot die...


but for the first time...cathy did not assure her that it is just a lie to stop him from beating her.


~~~~~~~~~a daughter that do not care~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


her aunts talk too much. gossip too much. saying unappropriate things in front of children. in front of people who are gonna die. but waht can u expect from a family who have a suicidal mother. n a sister who comitted suicide in her teens.


yolanda.. ur mother is sick. she may die.. u must be obedient to her.. n listen to her... n dun be so naughty...

last time when my daniel (darrren's brother) is insane.. he picks his ear n tried to smell the shit... he almost ate it if i wasnt there to stop him...

no no.. when claire(another sister) was insane.. she beats up the dogs.. but her daughter julie wasnt insane and she took care of her. n there was once julie was insane, but claire wasnt. its lucky they took turns. or else when both of them are insane.. they might kill each other off...hahaha

yolanda.. stop being so naugty.. its no wonder why ur father beats you. u deserved it.



yolanda is tired of hearing all these. there was no such thing as her mother dying. she knows her mother won't leave her for anything. even death... she was sure. n she just cant helpp but see that everyone of them would look away whenever her father beated her.
but today her parents are going to the doctors again...


cathy have been feeling pain in her stomach.. at frst thinking it was gastric.. but after a thorough check up.. she found out she was diagnosed with hernia. a disease that is both painful with or without cure. the treatment itself is unbearable.

hernia.. is the the protrusion of an organ or tissue thru an abnormal opening. .. in cathy's case.. her stomach muscle were loose, n intestine protruded out. creating a bulge.. which can be seen n feel.

cathy cant cough. cant run cant stand. it is painful .. as painful as death. as her disease develops too fast, intense pain always almost bring her down.

the doctor advised her to go for an operation. the family is now homeless they sold their house.. almot all money goes to the operation.


after the first successful operation. cathy still complain of the pain. he would not have this. he lost his temper at her.. angry at her for being so weak. because the chances of hernia coming back after a surgery is less than 1 %. she just wouldnt' accept that she is ok.

her sisters took this matter lightly... assuming she is well.

yolanda watched as her father grew moer n more temperamental each day. more n more bitter. she wasnt understanding. she created trouble in school that make thigns worse for him.
darren influenced her to bring a can of beer to school... n yolanda brought it. 2 of them. they were 8.

teachers were amused. one wasnt. the headmistress wasnt. her father came to school in a good mood, only to be sent t the office.

when they were back at home. he pulled herby the hair n dragged her into the dining room. just outside cathy's room. n shouted at her ,' pull down ur panties!!'

yolanda was hesitant.. but she was about to take it off when cathy walked out and told her not to do it... yolanda was in tears. she watched uninterested as her parents argue. relieved of the rescue.


a sick wife is enough. a daughter that wouldnt listen is life threatening.


the aunts are going out for a karaoke session.. yolanda wanted to go badly. but her father had an overnight shift... and told her sternly, stay at home n accompany ur mother.
she sulked. she went into the room n sulked..

her mother looked at her.. n pacified her to go to the session.. yolanda protested 'but daddy asked me to stay here.. later he'll beat me if i go'

... cathy looked at her.... full of forgiveness... but sad that she wanted to stay only because of her husband;s threat. she looked at the family she had broken. the house that is not theirs. the home she destroyed. the man she burdened.

no.. i wont let him beat you..

yolanda was elated.. she changed... n rushed out...


cathy was alone in the house... she felt so lonely n quiet ...she picked up the phone..n dialled for her husband
hello? i m alone in the house now .. can u come back n accompany me


~~~~~~~~~~he goes away~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there was a few months when cathy was always alone.. for he had gone to florida, US for a seminar... everyday she missed him. she was so lonely. her daughter didnt care about her.

she wrote in a diary... an old one .. 1998 diary.. everyday hwo she felt for him..n wat happened everyday...

when he came back.. they would read the diary together n cry... cry together.. thinking of all the times that were lost. the home that is broken.
but he would not let go. he do not believe in letting go.


but she does.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~death started dealing his cards~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

he is not weary.. he would work as long as there is enough moeny to cure his wife. but how could she complain fot he pain after 3 operations?? they tried everything.

chinese medicine.. bomohs.. western..


he is starting to think of her complains as something untrue... cathy started talking about death and dying.. more n more often...

2 months later.. she was sent to the psychiatric ward.. against her will.. he deserted her.. . she thought

when she came back. she was aware of all those looks her sister gave her. only her daugther seemed unaffected .. cuz she didnt care. her husband was still as loving.. and she feel more n more dead inside ... everything that was so real n beautiful was all gone.. now all she had left is this grey rusted world that had nothing to offer anymore.

one night. she walked into the kitchen... she couldnt sleep.. she couldnt. too lonely.. she felt as if her heart doesnt exist anymore. hard.

she searched for the pills.. those that put her to sleep.. looked at them..painless death.

she emptied the whole bottle into her hand... was about to put all of them into her mouth... she couldnt just end like this.. bitter.
she stood up.. took the bottle of X.O. .. a lil bit of luxury before death. n started swallowing the pills ... ..........



cathy was admited to the psychiatric ward again. her attempt at suicide had failed. n she had finllay gotten everyone's attention.. peole telling her not to do it again. but she sensed insincerity in them. n her husband was begging her.. with tears.. but cathy knew she had to go. she's pulling him down.

he knelt down before yolanda n cried.... yolanda stood stiffly n awkwardly.. not knowing wat to do. he asked her..' will u let me bring mummy to singapore alone to let me cure her?..please?"

yolanda said. no.



cathy came back home. the same stares. the same thing. they dun mean anything to her already. the world is dead.

2 days later. an empty dishwashing liquid bottle was found next to her body.



yolanda strolled casually with her sousins n aunts to the hospital... they just cant stop talking. they just talk too much. no they din care about her mother. they didnt.

cathy couldnt take it. having lost her voice after the failed attempt. she clasped her hand together n make a motion of praying... n put her finger to her lips..

the aunt saw the funny way of her asking them to shut up and laughed.. n they talked.. they just takled..more. n more.

yolanda see no humour in that. even when she commited suicide twice.no one would listen to her mother. no one. no one ever pay attention to her mother. not even her own daughter.
wahts so funny about a mute woman who commited suicide twice using gestures to ask people to shut up???????????? damn them those insolent fools.



cathy came back home.. her husband was crying most of the time... with the pain in her stomach to shelter away the pain of her love for him.. she patted him half heartedly...

today is daniel's birthday party... everyone's getting ready.. its a saturday...

fathers day is coming soon.. coming so soon..

cathy is missing. she was not in the house. everyone was too busy to go out to look for her. even when she might commit another suicide. yolanda didnt care...she only cared when her father came back. when he started panicking.. n tell yolanda.. if...when ur mother comes back.. tell her u love her..


...4 pm/. she came back..yolanda hugged her.. n told her she love her.

cathy brushed her aside.. n told her she just went out fro a cigarrette.


her husband hugged her. n wept sorrowfully... cathy knew well.. he can live without her.
yolanda, cathy n her husband stayed in the room... hugging... cathy look at them with false understanding.. n pacify them to sleep.. to go to sleep. she wanan see them sleep.... peacfully.. just like before... when they had a home..


7 pm. the party started. her father woke yolanda up. yolanda jerkedup... n was told her mother is lost again.

he searched frantically inthe drawer... and found the diary... he quickly flipped to today's page... there were one sentence...

'sorry ...i love you'

her father drove out.. n search for cathy..yolanda followed reluctantly... knowing her mother wuold be back soon.

they went everywhere.
they searched in the temple.. they prayed to the gods there. he called up his temple mates. he had a sifu there who knows everything. he had learned there.


nothing.



~~~~death chose to take her away the most shameful n cruel way~~~

she walked out of the house... she was calm.. she boarded the bus.... any bus...
n she saw her friend there... they chatted like how friends chatted. askign questions one would forget the answer after half the day is over.

cathy went down.. there was a lake.

in taman wahyu.

she walked there. there were a few indonesian fisherman there. she took out a cigarette.. n smoked.. sat at the lake.

should she jump in...

she took another cigarette.... n ponder.. the fisherman was eyeing her..
she just wore a pyjamas..liek always.

they nodded to each other... came up to her..

there were 4 of them... three of them held her... while one raped her...

n the others had their turn..

her pain in the stomach throbbed painfully.. unbearable compared to the pain she felt inside.
they had her again and again.. she couldnt scream... she was gagged..

when they were finished.. they stabbed her stomach.

she writhed in agony.
but still alive

they took another stab again. her body contorted.
but still alive.

they strangled her.
her tongue slowly protruded out. head a pale blue.
dead

they threw her into the lake.



... no one came. she rotted... deep inside the lake... deep inside the cold cold lake..
the rotting gases bloated her organs up.. finally on teh 6th day.. and she floated up..

up to the surface.


~~~~~~~~~~the funeral ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yolanda came home. her aunt is crying.

her father rushed everywhere.

identifying the body. it was too rotten. rotten beyond imagination.
he couldnt recognise her. it smelled. very bad.

he saw her ring. his ring. their wedding ring. their marriage. their love.

its over.

all over.

he mourned.

yolanda felt nothing. didnt care.


cathy died on father's day. it was the first year yolanda didnt give a card.




he rushed to the temple.. searching for the old man.. that he used to call sifu.. n punched him.
cursing.
asking

why

didnt u tell me this was going to happen

why didnt u help me save my wife

why didnt u warn me
did u know how she died
did you
she was raped
was stabbed
was strangled
was drowned
she drank poison
ate pills

why didnt u let her die peacefully why didnt u tell me


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a tribute to my mother. whom i didnt love.. the murderers was never caught. a cold case..

tell me god how can i forgive them. every cell in me burns for revenge. and tell me god.. how did my father ever forgive me for not caring.. n not giving a damn.. not even there.. had no feelings for my mother. n how m i gonna forgive myself for beign like that when i was young. i found peace in you.. because there is no peace in me.

i cried tears. for i still don't love her. or miss her. i cried as how i would imagining this hapen to someone i know. like someone i know... no matter how..
i swear i would kill them if i had the chance.