haze

in the end i have money... but does it make sure the same friends that u buy now will come to your funeral... its like a curse..defining high and low.
whats the point of showing off to people lower than you..they'll never respect u.. they'll only envy you... or the point of showing off to people higher than you... they'll never respect u anyway.. they'll only look down on u..
what is permanent. what is not. but i dislike being poor.. i cannot go places, therefore my happiness is cut short.

continued from the black sheeps

i went to kl.. to meet up with my cousin.. she sells handphone..my handphone fell into the toilet bowl by itself.. she told me... go to sports toto opposite mydin.u can see me from there.
and so i went ... nope. cant see her.. waited.
..
..
..
ok fine. i bought a gum in order to get some coins.. n i called her. she told me... go to jukebox..i'll get u..
and so i went.. nope.. cant see her.. waited..
..
..
..
went back to the phone... she's been waiting for me!!!!

we both been waiting at diff spots.

AIH
her first words to me... in english '' Why YOU SO STUPID??"

she wanted to lunch with me.. but my aunt came down already. i bought my phone. YAY!
n her bro came too.. everyone came just for me... i m so touched..

she did not change a bit.. she still nag n nag at the top of her voice.. i kinda miss it.
my uncle had a car accident.. he drives a harley u see.. his hands are all patched up with bandages..

my 2 cousins will not be home til midnight.. so i'll be alone in the house..

my aunt asked me.. what do u want toeat...
i answered frankly.. chicken. steamed. with ur chilli. n ur onions fried in soy sauce as gravy.

and she really cooked that. eventhough only 3 of us eating.

..i m feeling a lil sore.. why didnt i visit them.. now she has got hormone imbalance ..hot flushes.. u see.. her menopause is coming..
i was away for so long.. until theres a new dog n i didnt know.

what was wrong with me.. i had a new life now. tryign to make ends work. n i forgotten about them. .. i used to go there every hols.. n i even ran away from my house ..n ended up there for a month.. it was heaven. they agreed.

they pampered me like crazy that day.. the phrase ' i m home, this is home, they are home' kept running in my head.. this is the kinda home i wanna bring my bf back.
good food. nagging mother. overclutted house. 2 pretty sisters.

when they came back.. we talked as if we did not missed a day togethr
sitting in their room. they sat crossed legs eventhough they were wearing skirts. i see them all.
we were comfortable with each other. we used to bath together.
first thing they do is rushed to my breasts n sleep on it.

oh my god la.

n then we talk talk talk talk n laugh laugh laugh.
her mom came in to complain about her salary.. u see that day ..my cousin got her salaray..3k something.she gave her mom 100 only.. haha
n she shooed her away by telling her..' wrinkled breasts.. go away la'
n her mom pulled down her collar n say..' u see.. where got wrinkled? vv big .. wanna suck onot.'
n she was like... 'big wat?? its just droopy so it appeared bigger??'
n then her mom suddenly rushed to her daughter's back n started rubbing her breasts on her back. up down. up down.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

now how can u get this in my family. cold. hard. plastic home. hmm.
now its not that i condemn them. but my family used to be like this. even better when my mom was alive.

then we went yamcha at... uma rani. they were selling weird stuffs like kokahthai, malasai, lokthai.
wtf

omg they drive.. aiyo. one of them drive rav4. another one vios. u all also know how fast i speed one de la. they can be fast until i cannot keep up. crap la.

talk with them.......makes me feel like... i did not love myself enough.... makes me feel like i have been giving too much attention to everything n everyone around me but myself. heck. if ah b din buy cny clothes for me i wont buy also lor.

i m not who i was before.. i do not swim everyday .. like i did when i was staying there.. i swim alone too. i do not eat nonstop anymore like i did when i was staying there.. i do even eat wat i wanted to eat. i do not buy things like they do anymore.

my parents looked down on them. but i don't. i would give anything i have to live life as simple as they have. finish high school . work. save up. get married. open business. have kids.
simple.

for me.. its high school. uni. and then its random from there. how many places do i have to go before i can settle down.

how many. work? overseas? follow bf? go my own way? wat.

i felt sad when i leave them. knowing i left their kinda lives for good. now i hang out wiht them as.. bystanders. cuz i'll leave.. one day. one day.
n its not because my family made it this way. i made it this way. studied too hard. fearing people will harm me cuz my mom's not here. study study study so that my knowledge will protect me. until they tear me away from them. n from everyone else too. they do not have an aim. i do.

its sad... when i was young.. i did not picture myself to be like this when i m 20.
all the things i picture myself to be.. they'll never happen anyway. doing everything n anything for everyone but myself.