haze

this good
ok. let me blog again without so much angst cuz i m not angry actually.

n let me get this straight.

i m not the best. i m this good. i m haze. ok.
this good.
i cannot see things the way professionals do. nor can i see things the way others do. too.
i also critisize the way i do. not like professionals. or not like those who dont dare to speak up.
same goes when i do work. i cannot be professional like the real pros is. but neither can i pretend to screw up my work just so my standard are like those around me. i cant. i m this good. i will do my work this good.
now u can think watever u want to think of me. of cos u can, what m i, god? even god don't mess with free will. u can call me anything. proud. overego. over emo. know it all. lansi. lanlek.
yes i know i keep quiet most of the times.. almost suddenly always. thats cuz when things happen.
when suddenly a lecturer choose to stand just behind u n say.. itu aku pun boleh buat, ah dapatlah duit senang je. during art market. he chose me to say that too behind my back when other products he also can buat. he also can dapat duit. n u know their standards. he chose me. wat. m i supposed to think that hes jealous. no i dont.
ya i know he did it cuz he hates me. n only me. n cuz of my stuck up attitude.
i know they got feelings but do i talk like that directly 5 inches behind them? man.

but just remember this.
i got feelings too. haha!!! SURPRISE of the century. yes i got feelings too. i feel hurt too. just keep watever u think in that head of yours n i'll be fine.



n just in case people do think that this good means god damn motherfucking good. no. i m not gdmf-ing good.
secrets. people only love them when the bearer is someone famous. maybe u dun give a fuck. but my secrets.

i cannot draw according to guides. all my guides turn up too big too wrong.
i like to march detail to detail. eye to eye to nose to mouth. screw the guides.

i cannot draw anything. n i do mean anything out of imagination.
i cannot visualize lighting.
most of the time i compose using photos n puttin them together. so there. i m a photostat machine. put in 10 cents come out copy.
yes i draw out of porportions.. only when the pen nib is like 0.5, and the eyes i m going to draw is 0.2 thick. how u want me control i ask u.


n believe me. i teach. i do. but when halfway thru u disagree with me n do something else i give up. n then u'll blame me for screwing up ur work. n inside my hard egg head. i know damn well u screwed up cuz u din listen. cuz u think ur mouth ought to be smaller, ur eyes bigger. ur nose further. the shade lighter darker. the color diff. u listen to me.. well. maybe then u'll learn.

well hell i dun really blame u for not listening.. hmm. cuz i m the same age as u, i m as screwed up as u maybe, i m human like u... of cos u have all the right to challenge my thinking.
but ever wonder u swallow everything lecturers say??they r human like us. what makes u think they are not as screwed up as us. challenge them fuck it. thats y i talk like i do when it comes to them. but of cos.. u do not challenge them when ur skill is like 2 balls compared to their 450 magnum.

i m not telling to be like a baby.. waiting for my thumb. yeh hell u can argue with me... i'll prefer that baby.

now do u feel me ma peepz.

u go to the saloon. ur hair comes out wrong. u blame the saloon. u know whats wrong? its u. u were in there for 2 hours. shampoo. wash. cut. in the 2 hours u did not speak up.
thats it. u did not speak up. n u watch.. minute by minute how it goes wrong to worse. to worst to disastrous.
or u let ur parents decide ur life. u blame them. u know what. a life is a long road man. enough time for u to raise ur hand. say STOP. i do not want to go ur way.
speak up damn it.
how many times u shut up watching things go worse n worse n worse from every slow sec to the next? just say stop n speak up ur mind.
or u feel ur anger boiling n boiling inside u .. but u do not let it explode in front of those jerks who messed with u... but u let it explode when u r alone after that, when u r with ur loved ones.. man. how long they messed with u ?? 15 minutes?? thats 900 secs for u.. just stop them n speak up.

speak up people. n dun blame others who speak up.