Not Good Enough

I dunno where to start.. or how.. but I do know he does not follow this blog.. so this is the only place.

Since young, I been trying.. trying to be good enough..
good enough so my mom have a reason to fight on.. to live.. at least for me.
apparently I am not good enough.

I tried to study with all that I have.. so that my aunts would love me like how they love their wretched and hopeless kids. in the end, they din give shit bout me.
apparently I am still not good enough.

I tried to study, I tried to work, I tried to entrepreneur, I tried to be creative.. so that my father would at least be proud of me.. i don't really need the pride from him.. but all i want is just a tiny little acknowledgement or encouragement.
even if that is not there, I just need him to stay in the family. or just to stop taking it out on me.
he wouldn't take the initiative to find out my performances, presentations, report book days, awards.. but do I really have to tell him everything so he would understand.
I am doing better ... compared to working 9-5 in some shit company, no matter what I would strive to never get employed. just to prove everyone I can do it.
he said he is worth 2k per hour. his dad said 500 per hour.
did they think when they are at MY age, what they were worth an hour. compared to the person I am now.
still. apparently I am not good enough. compared to China chicks or other kids. or other people he knew.

I only have 24 hours a day..splitting between work, family, friends and boyfriend and his family. Do I even have time for myself. I don't.
Do I even have time or any energy to remember where I last put my handphone, contact lenses, mouse, specs.. I really don't. Every second in my life, all that was in my mind is the rotating priorities that I have to place above myself.
And it was all sliced to 1 am for the previous days. I am running so thin.
I guess its obvious I sometimes or most of the time don't have the energy to remember that I need to bath, or brush my teeth or sleep. I can't remember when I turned to this.

It's the first time I felt suicidal last night. its the first time since a long time ago that I remember and I was possessed by the person that I was 10 years ago. Feeling so worthless and undeserving of everything around me, I just want everybody to disappear so I don't trouble them with my existence.
I thought of dying..and then I remember, I am in his house. The trouble I would cause them after that is astounding. and also to my dear 3 friends. and my dad would take it bad.
Then I thought, "Even in death, my existence seem to bring trouble to everyone around me".
Then I thought, "This must be how my mom felt."
Then I thought, "I must have this from her."
The window was so inviting, so is the wall. but I know, I know that this shit just means I am running away, but I am not. I just want to erase all the inches and pixels of the proof of my existence.


I have caused sufferings. If I didn't my mom wouldn't go. my dad married another for my sake. he is unhappy cuz I existed as his daughter. everyone around me have to bear and compromise all the shit I threw out again and again.

I thought I was normal... but then again, I was just suppressing this person inside me. It came out finally. I had never became any better since last time.

He said "If you go on like this, I am afraid there would be no one else left to love you anymore".
He said " I am frustrated and pressured to remind and scold u time and time again to close the toilet door, to remember where is your contact lenses, you even lost the handphone cover. the handphone I gave you. you fried your mac."
He said " How could you forget to close the gate. and spend the nights with friends than with me"
He said "I started playing football manager cuz u ceased to come home. and every night I am frustrated."
He said "If you could leave your house for 2 weeks cuz you are angry at your dad, next time you would do the same to me.. I am just not ready for that"

my one and only question is... since he already played fm before I went out often, why play last night when I was there waiting.. and waiting..

well.. cuz it was one click too long.

I couldn't adapt. couldn't stay in any house.. my house.. his house. their house. any house.
if you are that irritated.. and that frustrated that all this is in your mind... and when tears are running.. you don't give a damn..
its not like you didn't go out. with your friends.

Its because I was confined to your house rules, that I couldn't make it back. no. correction, I was not good enough cuz I couldn't wake up early and make it back in time. this is what you wanted to think.

I am just tired of defending. I will never be good enough for you.

I tried to love. but apparently not good enough.

and suddenly I just have this urge to find all the things that I couldn't find. my specs. my mouse. my contact lens case, my swimming goggles, my eyelashes, my handphone cover.
and I just couldn't remember. where. I just couldn't. and I just broke and cry each time I couldn't remember. Its so intensely frustrating. I thought I went insane. I felt out of the world.

you said... please sleep. i love you. come to bed.

don't pacify me. it's too late.

you said.. please stop this, tomorrow we will talk.

don't fool me with the once-you-sleep-the-next-morning-everything-will-be-better talk.

just stop talking. stop blaming. stop pushing all your frustration unto me. and just admit you don't love me.
cuz I think I was the only one with the intention to love yesterday night.

I won't defend myself. even if I win... you would start all the i love you i accept you i need you i want you shit. and i don't want that now.

just stop. everything. just stop.
it's just so fake. you may be the best boyfriend, sweets and charms and compromising.. but if you are feeling so irritated and frustrated inside, the sugar mask you put on will crack one day.
you may have rainbows and suns in front of me, but when I am away you bask in nothing but loneliness and frustration, not in our love. and true enough, it went on up to the point where I was around you, you are still drowning in loneliness and frustration.

all i could do is just to blame myself for being not good enough.
and for finally loving you when you don't love me.

the signs are all there, for the first time u went berserk trying to force me to talk.
for the first time i have nothing to say to you.
for the first time i m actually suicidal.
and for the first time you pushed me until I thought I was insane at one point.
and when i woke up, I had this sanguine feeling that I never felt before. a feeling like the day could not possibly get worse cuz its at its worst.

well here is what I want to say :
you place me in second place, and you in first. (you sped to your comedy show, and crawl to the jammed areas for my photoshoot)
you lose your temper at the slightest thing, at games. at futsal. at your friends. at the whole world around you. and that is enough to make you moody and I have to pamper you.
you think ur better than me cuz you confine to your house rules, but everytime you use me as an excuse to break your house rules.
you don't mind tainting me just to make sure u stay on your parent's good side.
you don't mind lashing out on kim til she cries when she isn't at fault, just cuz u lost ur temper.

don't show up in front of me anymore.
i cannot be with someone who is able to bring out the side of me yesterday.
even if you beg and promise 10 000 times you won't do it again, the answer's still the same.