quenched

its funny .... there was this knot inside.. it just released.. after we talked..
its funny.. there's this incredible pain whirling inside.. it just can't come out.
its stupid.. there are rubbish everywhere..
maybe you can't tear if you are bleeding internally.

If I could...

If I could make the skies blue for you.. I would.

If I could go back to the days where we first met, I rather we not meet.
Given the chance, I rather we meet when time is on our side.

If I could go back to the sweet days of romance, I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather we stay the same.. instead of becoming mao maos.

If I could go back to uni days.. I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather us not meet each other's parents.
I rather us be in our little bubble of joy.

Given the chance, I rather us argue everyday.
Then we wouldn't pretend to accept and agree.
Then every real argument won't start cuz one of us exploded and ends up in break up.

Given the chance, I wouldn't change from the girl you once knew to the person I am.
and given the chance, I rather you not change from the guy you once was.

If there is 7 days in a week, I rather spend only 2 days with you. instead of 7.
Then we wouldn't take each other for granted.

If we knew what we did was so harmful, we wouldn't do it.
If we could just sleep and wake up to romantic days, that would be ideal.

If you could accept me and my changes, you wouldn't need to compromise.
If I could just be honest with you, I wouldn't need to pretend. and you wouldn't need to pretend that you are less committed to prevent pain.

If we are less frustrated with own selves, then we wouldn't take it out on each other.

I guess we destroyed everything.
I guess its too late.

and there is nothing to do but to cry.
for our lost love.

"Forgive me, I am this kinda girl:

I never knew my role.. fearing that I would need to make sacrifices for someone again.
To love, you need some kind of talent.
that's why I finally learn that to love, you need to give space..

I am not naive enough..
I don't allow myself to wait like an idiot.

but I am cruel to myself..
no matter how cruel, I still know my limits.

I was too serious..that's why I believe in love forever.
love makes us disappointed, thats why we pull each other down lower.

I was too responsible, I do not allow myself to have too many regrets..
but I am honest to myself, no matter how honest, I still know my limits.

I am an innocent kinda girl.. I do need some time to let out a long sigh..
those casual hugs, I keep them for people I hurt before.

You know that there are some questions that have no answers.. you still have to ask.
forgive me..cuz I am this kinda girl.."

Not Good Enough

I dunno where to start.. or how.. but I do know he does not follow this blog.. so this is the only place.

Since young, I been trying.. trying to be good enough..
good enough so my mom have a reason to fight on.. to live.. at least for me.
apparently I am not good enough.

I tried to study with all that I have.. so that my aunts would love me like how they love their wretched and hopeless kids. in the end, they din give shit bout me.
apparently I am still not good enough.

I tried to study, I tried to work, I tried to entrepreneur, I tried to be creative.. so that my father would at least be proud of me.. i don't really need the pride from him.. but all i want is just a tiny little acknowledgement or encouragement.
even if that is not there, I just need him to stay in the family. or just to stop taking it out on me.
he wouldn't take the initiative to find out my performances, presentations, report book days, awards.. but do I really have to tell him everything so he would understand.
I am doing better ... compared to working 9-5 in some shit company, no matter what I would strive to never get employed. just to prove everyone I can do it.
he said he is worth 2k per hour. his dad said 500 per hour.
did they think when they are at MY age, what they were worth an hour. compared to the person I am now.
still. apparently I am not good enough. compared to China chicks or other kids. or other people he knew.

I only have 24 hours a day..splitting between work, family, friends and boyfriend and his family. Do I even have time for myself. I don't.
Do I even have time or any energy to remember where I last put my handphone, contact lenses, mouse, specs.. I really don't. Every second in my life, all that was in my mind is the rotating priorities that I have to place above myself.
And it was all sliced to 1 am for the previous days. I am running so thin.
I guess its obvious I sometimes or most of the time don't have the energy to remember that I need to bath, or brush my teeth or sleep. I can't remember when I turned to this.

It's the first time I felt suicidal last night. its the first time since a long time ago that I remember and I was possessed by the person that I was 10 years ago. Feeling so worthless and undeserving of everything around me, I just want everybody to disappear so I don't trouble them with my existence.
I thought of dying..and then I remember, I am in his house. The trouble I would cause them after that is astounding. and also to my dear 3 friends. and my dad would take it bad.
Then I thought, "Even in death, my existence seem to bring trouble to everyone around me".
Then I thought, "This must be how my mom felt."
Then I thought, "I must have this from her."
The window was so inviting, so is the wall. but I know, I know that this shit just means I am running away, but I am not. I just want to erase all the inches and pixels of the proof of my existence.


I have caused sufferings. If I didn't my mom wouldn't go. my dad married another for my sake. he is unhappy cuz I existed as his daughter. everyone around me have to bear and compromise all the shit I threw out again and again.

I thought I was normal... but then again, I was just suppressing this person inside me. It came out finally. I had never became any better since last time.

He said "If you go on like this, I am afraid there would be no one else left to love you anymore".
He said " I am frustrated and pressured to remind and scold u time and time again to close the toilet door, to remember where is your contact lenses, you even lost the handphone cover. the handphone I gave you. you fried your mac."
He said " How could you forget to close the gate. and spend the nights with friends than with me"
He said "I started playing football manager cuz u ceased to come home. and every night I am frustrated."
He said "If you could leave your house for 2 weeks cuz you are angry at your dad, next time you would do the same to me.. I am just not ready for that"

my one and only question is... since he already played fm before I went out often, why play last night when I was there waiting.. and waiting..

well.. cuz it was one click too long.

I couldn't adapt. couldn't stay in any house.. my house.. his house. their house. any house.
if you are that irritated.. and that frustrated that all this is in your mind... and when tears are running.. you don't give a damn..
its not like you didn't go out. with your friends.

Its because I was confined to your house rules, that I couldn't make it back. no. correction, I was not good enough cuz I couldn't wake up early and make it back in time. this is what you wanted to think.

I am just tired of defending. I will never be good enough for you.

I tried to love. but apparently not good enough.

and suddenly I just have this urge to find all the things that I couldn't find. my specs. my mouse. my contact lens case, my swimming goggles, my eyelashes, my handphone cover.
and I just couldn't remember. where. I just couldn't. and I just broke and cry each time I couldn't remember. Its so intensely frustrating. I thought I went insane. I felt out of the world.

you said... please sleep. i love you. come to bed.

don't pacify me. it's too late.

you said.. please stop this, tomorrow we will talk.

don't fool me with the once-you-sleep-the-next-morning-everything-will-be-better talk.

just stop talking. stop blaming. stop pushing all your frustration unto me. and just admit you don't love me.
cuz I think I was the only one with the intention to love yesterday night.

I won't defend myself. even if I win... you would start all the i love you i accept you i need you i want you shit. and i don't want that now.

just stop. everything. just stop.
it's just so fake. you may be the best boyfriend, sweets and charms and compromising.. but if you are feeling so irritated and frustrated inside, the sugar mask you put on will crack one day.
you may have rainbows and suns in front of me, but when I am away you bask in nothing but loneliness and frustration, not in our love. and true enough, it went on up to the point where I was around you, you are still drowning in loneliness and frustration.

all i could do is just to blame myself for being not good enough.
and for finally loving you when you don't love me.

the signs are all there, for the first time u went berserk trying to force me to talk.
for the first time i have nothing to say to you.
for the first time i m actually suicidal.
and for the first time you pushed me until I thought I was insane at one point.
and when i woke up, I had this sanguine feeling that I never felt before. a feeling like the day could not possibly get worse cuz its at its worst.

well here is what I want to say :
you place me in second place, and you in first. (you sped to your comedy show, and crawl to the jammed areas for my photoshoot)
you lose your temper at the slightest thing, at games. at futsal. at your friends. at the whole world around you. and that is enough to make you moody and I have to pamper you.
you think ur better than me cuz you confine to your house rules, but everytime you use me as an excuse to break your house rules.
you don't mind tainting me just to make sure u stay on your parent's good side.
you don't mind lashing out on kim til she cries when she isn't at fault, just cuz u lost ur temper.

don't show up in front of me anymore.
i cannot be with someone who is able to bring out the side of me yesterday.
even if you beg and promise 10 000 times you won't do it again, the answer's still the same.

Family

All children disappoint their parents.

We often say "We do not get to choose who our parents are"
but in fact, they do not get to choose who their children will be.

Some parents don't give a fuck.
Most parents just want the best for us.

Some parents can't wait for us to leave the house
Most parents just want to cage us forever.

We are never perfect and never will be.
So forget the Stepford family that you are trying to portray.
We all have skeletons in our closet.
and we just want you to love us, skeletons beers smokes and all.

Sometimes we rebel.
Most of the times, we compromise and wait for the storm to be over.
Most of the times, we can't wait to get out of the house to be with our friends or girl friends or boy friends.
Most of us treat home like a hotel.

but that doesn't mean we don't love our parents.
but sometimes, we do push their patience and test their unconditional love for us.

that's what children do.

there comes a breaking point where a child turns 18 or 21 and become mature.
but not all parents change the way they talk or treat their grown up child when that happens.
to them, we are still their baby in diapers.

there comes another point where that child will force out of their cage.
some doesn't.

I love my dad very much. sometimes i feel the urge to keep him at my side at all times.
i feel the urge to control him. and his life.
most of all, i feel the urge to sort his life in order and make him happy.
i even told people I want to marry him. what the fuck right.
but i don't.

because I know that for the man that he is, he is capable of living his own life to his satisfaction.
I am grateful for he feels the same for me ( i think)


sometimes.. we just gotta have faith in our parents' or children's capability to go on without us.
it may even be unsettling to know that they probably get on happier without us.
but it is a price that only unconditional love can pay.

if you have been caging someone for long, he will break out soon and never come back.
learn to let go.. and you'll find that he will come back to you.

who am i to teach you... when i have no mother. and my father is all i have.
well, its heartwrenching to see lovey dovey families. i never had that.
its even more painful to see normal families arguing. i never had that.

just don't want you to lose what you have. that's all there is.

bridge over troubled water

"When ur weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

What is there to say when all that I am thinking
is gushing through the spaces between my cells like torrents of brown muddy water.
how do I filter and distill them into water in order to explain to you.

I know you are hurting. so am I too.

"When ur down and out,
When ur on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

All that I can see when I look at you is the hurt I put upon you.
causing you to recoil in defense.
Am I that scary.

The problem with us is that there is no problem at all.
but there is still something that can't be fixed.
what is it.

i caused all the catastrophe, underestimating my own feelings for you.
and now all the collateral damage is on us.
We are still healing.
yet somehow I opened some new wounds again.

paging.. paging for Haze Long.. if you are Haze Long.. please come to the counter.

Drain. the veins from my head.
Clean out the reds in my eyes.
to get by this life.

I complain, for the company that I keep.
but who's laughing now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll walk through the maze with a little less stumble.

Fool. the batteries that I keep.
Inject some calories into my skin.
to get some color back.

I cry, for the lack of time that I have.
but who's consoling now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll reach out to the dreams.

Chill. the bacardi in the hourglass.
Lock the awards away in the X-ray machine.
to prepare for the postponed celebration.

I screamed, at all the running success.
but who's understanding.
i'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll make my efforts become the success that I want.


" Haze Long is busy and cannot come to the counter at the moment, please leave a message"

i dunno

if i could make you happy by saying yes.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by changing.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my time.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my family and friends.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by lying and pretending.. i would
i did


i have lived so long for your happiness banking that your given happiness would be sufficient to light my heart..
its just that the light has grown dim..

if i could love you forever.. i would... i really would..
i still love you.. it pains me to see you hurt.. it pains me to my core..

perhaps you felt the same way.. perhaps you 'if i could-i would-i did' on me too...

you are everything I wanted and more.. why did the feeling fade.. but the pain strengthens..

because i did 'if i could-i would-i did' and it shouldn't be like that.. it should be effortless deeds that pleases each other. living on accomodating is difficult.

its eating me up.. its killing me. yet why can't i leave..


i m tired.. of lying.. accomodating.. of crying wolf of 'break up' when I couldn't let you go.
let you go to another one. knowing I lost you forever.

you said that I would be in the special place in your heart forever.. but i just want to love you, instead god played a joke on me and took the love away, replaced it with pain.

its really painful.. its hurting.. i was wrong to say I felt pain. this is like no other.

yet I know.. that you will not change.. you are an open book that will remain the same.
it is me. that fooled you with a fake story, in the end I destroyed the only thing I ever wanted in my life. you.

i destroyed it by pretending to be someone I am not. cuz I adapt too easily into another skin and mask just to please you. can you even tell that you really know me.


how could I have ever thought that giving you little moments of happiness would bring such distress and unsettledness in me.

yes. we could be together. forever. mend each other hearts.
but there is too much old shit to change. n its not like new shit won't come.
will you be willing to work with me..

or will this repeat.

... we could go on separate ways.. into the uncertainty and into the big world outside our bubble.
i could find someone that I can effortlessly make him happy without accomodating..
you could find someone that love you as much as you love her.. now isn't that a beautiful thought.

i could also fall into the same trap over n over again because I am me and I cannot change my eager to please ways..
you could also ... you see this is the problem.. i do not think you will have a problem at all.. cuz ur that wonderful.

i still remember the man i fell in love with.. now he is gone, replaced by a babylike boy who is childlike and playful.
n u still remember the woman u fell in love with... now she is gone, replaced by a wild. overambitious insecure workaholic.

hence we tried. tried to love who we have became.. most of all we accomodate to these changes..n it sucks.. cuz i m wondering where is my man and you are wondering where is the woman who caught your heart.

sometimes its predictable. your actions and behaviour. like how you would turn up today unannounced, n how u are extra careful and sweet.. how u thank someone you hated before.. just to tag at another chance with me..
but when u score it, will u keep on with this behaviour... or will you just turn back to normal...cuz if u do.. we'll probably end up like this again.

i was so influenced by my mom's diary... words of love and pride of her man before she died.. I wanted to experience it... but I couldn't with you.


of course I do not know what to do....
how can one be rational at love when it is the only thing that you can be irrational and lose your control completely. i love to drown in the emotions... without passing thru the customs of the rational airport.

sure i know what I want.
if i leave.. i want to be happy. be free. find out who i am.. play.. work at my own pace.. grab career opportunities the minute they sparked up.

and if i stay.. i know I want to be happy once more, to be in love again with the same person who stole my heart.. cuz if i have the ability to love.. i would love you again.. and no other.. cuz ur that fabulous to me.

but i guess it was all lost one rainy day.... the day where I so cruelly tested u with my anger, not that I am that furious anyway. n since then.. everything went downhill.. we lost what was sweet and romance became routine. kisses became greetings. and the feeling of bliss just by touching ur finger became nothingness, just like touching ur own finger.

since then, i have tried.. i pleaded.. for things to go back to where they were.. but u couldn't do it. didn't wanna do it. i dunno.
then things went on the path that lead us to today.. the accomodating, compromising, sacrificial routine of everyday life for each other.

isn't things supposed to be as effortless as the big before. where a single conversation in front of the class send tingles of love down our spine and melting our hearts?

where has that go... i am still searching.. where.. maybe it has gone away for good.. maybe it has gone to someone else.. which I fervently hope it did. cuz you couldn't bring it back. not one time..
maybe it takes too much effort and toll on you, but it shouldn't when the mere existence of me right in the chair in front of you makes you feel like that luckiest guy in the world.

u probably forgotten how it felt then.. cuz ur so comfortable now. cuz if we were in that state.. i wouldn't be like this.. so stupidly accomodating to ur needs and happiness.... i wish that it would come back.. for me. for us.

but how could it when you didn't want it to go back to the way it were before..n also, now we have both changed into something we are both not comfortable with.

n we also have different needs and goals now..

yes i hold you dear.. n i care. and I love you.. but i have no confidence in making this be good anymore..
i have no more confidence in being happy and high up in heavens when u get me something nice..
i only see it as another chain locking me down to this routine of accomodation and nothingness.
more n more chains popped up.. n i grew more n more distressed... especially when u play the controlling chain game...it just tears me up...

but i m a coward.. i do not want to leave you.. yet i do not want to attempt to try and get the love back cuz i m afraid of the same accomodating, compromising, life with you.


i do not know what i want. n i have no confidence in love anymore.. when something so beautiful can become something so dull and grey in such a short time..

i wished i could have done things differently.. to keep the passion alive...

but now i just need to know if i can go on... or not.

i just dunno... dunno.... dunno