love is when u miss someone so much.. n just wanted to reach out to that person..
but u find it in ur heart not to reach out to them... cuz..
u wanted them to reach u first....

definitions of love[all by me] copyrighted. snarl.

love is when u think of nothing.. not even that person.. then u wonder.. y aren't u thinking of him.. is he not thinking of me too?.. y m i not missing his presense?.. is he around n about? why didn't he call? why din he reach out to me?

n then.. u realize.. u ARE thinking of him at that moment.

...............................................

love is when u fell down... u are alright.. u r not hurt.. but u won't get up... cuz u want him to get u up himself n take u in his arms n ask u if u r alright..

..........................................

love is when both of u is in the same place.. but not together... walking in different directions.. but u know the chance of meeting is high.. n u do things , trying to time urself with that person.. knowing n understanding him well enough that he will do that exact same thing.. n go to that certain place at a certain time... glancing in mirrors.. hoping to see him behind ur shadow..

.......................................................

love is when u both watch a movie together.. n u r unwilling to take the popcorn from him.. cuz u want him to put them into ur mouth for u... n even though u are cold.. u won't tell him... but u hope that he will notice n put his arms around you...

.......................................................

love is when u have so many things to do. .. so busy.. so stressed out.. everything all planned out for u to follow... but still if he call.. u'll be there for him...eventhough u already had lunch.. already done wat u r gonna do with him... but u just wanna spend time with him..

.......................................................

love is when u cry silently in ur bed at home..hoping that at that exact moment..he'll call n realize u r crying.. but he doesn't call.. u r so disappointed... but when u see him walking towards u..smiling... u realize how foolish n stupid of u to cry..

.......................................................

love is when u make mistakes...n u realize u r doing it.. but u can't stop urself.. n u can't bring urself to admit it n change either.. u know he doesn't likes it.. but he's still with u.. still with u.

.......................................................

love is when u found out he likes someone else.. but u want him.. u feel like raging at her... but still u smile at her.. n marvel at how better she is... but u still want him.. possessive..

then u see her... n realize how much happier he will be with her.. n eventhough u want him.. u let go.. n let him have her... though ur heart is broke... but it break even more when he tells u he won't leave... cuz u know how much it takes for him to say that.

.......................................................

love is when u cannot let go... but u let go eventhough u know u will never ever let go.. ever..

.......................................................

love is when u see him as a stranger.. that u still love.. n u can't take ur eyes of him still.. u still wanna hold him.. n tell him not to go.. n that u love him so much.. n tell him how in pain u r... but u force urself to stay still cuz u wanna be proud that u left.. n will never come back...

n when he look at u in the eye... u return back that cold stare...eventhough ur heart is melting ..

n when he still continue to stare at u.. u can't look at him no more. cuz u dun wan him to see u cry..

.......................................................

love is when u knew he doesn't have u in his heart... n though he seemed happy.. u wonder if he really is.. n all u wanna do is ask if he is really happy with u.. but u can't. cuz u are afraid that he'll say that 'no, i m not'...n u have to make urslef leave him there n then.. so u hold back... n watch him smile n laugh... n u smile n laugh too..but u cry inside silently.. wishing n wishing he loves u..

.......................................................

love is when u blog in front of the laptop.. tears streaming down ur face... searching for words inside to tell everyone how i feel bout this certain guy.. but somehow.. those words thats here.. don't sound as if i m crying.. but as if i m making it up n trying to make u sympathize me...

.......................................................

love is when u play the piano... n he's there listening.. n u just keep playing wrongly.. n singing out of tune. n u r wishing u r better... more talented so that he''ll be enchanted with u n fall in love with u...

.......................................................

love is when u feel that he'll never ever love u.. but u still held him close ..hoping that he'll realize how warm ur body actually is.. n u still smile to him.. hoping that he'll love watching me smile....n sometimes u let him go.. knowing that everything is pointless.. but actually hoping that when u r apart..he'll realize how much he miss u...

.......................................................

love is when he suddenly left u... when u think everything is alright... n then suddenly u r just standing there helpless..hopeless.. wanting someone to depend on..but he never comes... n u kept searching for him.. kept reaching out....but he didn't care... so u left... n walked on aimlessly... but when u fill out in ur blog... n he sees it.. n he came to u... u wonder if its pity. but still u go to him.. wishing that he won't give u excuses.. or explanation.. just three words. three simple words.

.......................................................

love is when u know he doesn't love u... nor does he want u... n u wanted so much to just let him go n be alright urself.... but u still u hold on n make things worse... pressuring him to love u.. putting it in ur blog to make it known.. becoming such a ridiculous person.. knowing how useless u actually is... can't even make him love u even when he spend almost all his time with u.. talk to u the most... closest to u... everything is there but love.. feeling hopeless n drained everytime because all that u give aren't repaid..

everytime u see other guys.. u get renewed strength to leave.. it is.. after all.. a wide world out there... but before u sleep everynight.. they r never in ur thoughts.. n u remembered that u r never in his too... never.. but still u hold on.. knowing that if u hold on long enough.. a miracle will happen....

will it?

.......................................................

love is when hes away... n u wonder will he miss u?.. if he does.. won't he wanna hear ur voice?..won't he wannA talk to u?... and all u can do is make up excuses for him.. maybe hes sleeping.. buzy.. gaming.. but then again.. u wonder if they are more important than u r to him... n then u still make up excuses..telling urself to trust him.. that he's not like that.. he's good.. honest.. n u think of all the sweet times u had together.. ...reminding urself that he IS..after all..ur boyfriend.. .. goin round n round in cycle..[suspicions..> excuses..> memories..>conclusion..n repeat the cycle until he calls]

.......................................................

love is complicated [full stop] o

a photolog

trip to kl and putrajaya... pics excluding buildings..those will be up later...

me..in klcc...

darrl n i in the skybridge of klcc.. note the scenery behind us.. (because i had enhanced it with photoshop..) :D

ha????oh no... the sky's not bright no more

.... and then .. pics of my roomate

alice

there's this rabbits in cages in our campus..

ah. thats us again. at the camera..

thats darryl..eyes looking huge..[who says my eyes r small??]

wind wind wind...........u tickle me..

thats darryl...being photographer.. n me being model n photoshopper.

a little recap.....old photos

nice hair?

now this is AFTER... straightening's a miracle.( i mean..................)

a lil photoshopping n i m a beauty..muahaha

the key won't fit the lock
i love playing in the rain.. thank You God.. for giving me rain today. i know You care... even when i don't.


such a fool..me.. such a fool.. turning back..wanting more. letting go ..hurting him.

both ways are wrong. nothing seems right.
when i have him.. dun appreciate him.. turning him away.. rejecting him.. pushin him.. when i dun have him.. kept pulling back...

there are some things that just couldn't be changed..no matter how i try..no matter how bad it

http://www.jaychoustudio.com/jaychoustudio/Translations_Scripts/Silence.html

can't finD words to say how i feel..

perhaps this i can say..
u forgive me for loving u too much..
n i'll forgive you for not loving me enough.

u forgive me for missing you so..
n i'll forgive u for being so cold

u forgive me for the loud racing of my heart
n i'll forgive u for not hearing it.

u forgive me for playing with you.
n i'll forgive u for toying with my emotions...

u forgive me for finding u so attractive
n i'll forgive u for not noticing..

u forgive me for raising u up so high..
n i'll forgive u for bring me down so low..

u forgive me for wanting to be with u..
n i'll forgive u for avoiding me..

u forgive me for being so pathetic..
n i'll forgive u for taking advantage of it.

u forgive me for having hopes n dreams..
n i'll forgive u for crushing them..

u forgive me for loving u too much..
n i'll forgive u for nothing. nothing at all..

u forgive me for giving my heart to u..
n i'll forgive u for breaking it.

u forgive me for not being able to let go..
n i'll forgive u for never having latched on.

.............................................................................

JAY CHOU - an jing [silence]
theres only the piano left for me to talk to about my day..or the sleeping cello...
the same old usual silence..
i knew that u already made it very clear.. i understood and i know... you won't miss me.

you said that u will feel upset..that i do not believe..
hand in hand with u..with ur companionship.. thats only in the past.

i hope that she will love u more than i do...only then i will force myself to leave
you wanted me to say it.. over n over.. its shameful to me.
cuz i had no intention of leaving at all....
but y do u still want me to smile n pretend to be ok??

i do not have that kind of talent.. to still hold u and accept her at the same time.
please don't worry..u dun need to...i will still live on..

u have already walk away so far.. so i guess i will too.. but more slowly than u.
why izzit that i will always surrender to u..even where we are separated.

i do not have that kinda gift... to be silent so fast.. can't give up yet..
but i will... because i love you too much.

its gonna be ok

eventhough i m scared..n afraid.. which i have never felt before...i guess thats the power God bestow on them... game's not in my hands.. i m in the game..but i m not the one playing it.....never will be.. i guess

weird thing is i repell...... y?..y now?...isn't this wat i want?

i guess all comebacks come with conditions..but its ok.its alright..i can adapt...

...lets just wait n see

amazing fairy tale that had come true..mr reliable romantic was u..

blinded ..misguided in the arms of love.. jus cuz it suited the both of us..

then it all went wrong..

i m the one to blame...

takking u for granted...in somany ways..

when i look back now.how can i every forget..u made me so happy....the day we met

how could something so magic become something so tragic right befor my eyes?

two separate ives...every second was a precious moment..now i m thinking about the path i chosen... wish i could unmake mybig mistake...

communication had broken down... this situation was out of our hands..well..my hands.

u got to please understand..that i was too young.. yes.. just too young for that.. i guess it all went wrong.. n i m the one to blame..

but wat i would give to have u back again... the days..the weeks the months..the years we wasteD.. i m sorry.. i still love u.. i dun expect a call cuz my apology's belated.. i m sorry.. n i miss u all my life

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE [cagnet]

my love.. u r my destiny....for all times... so faithfully..
to u.. i give my heart to thee.. so once again, i live in love...
n so i called this song 'love'..send from the heart n skies above..
for only u.. this song i sing.. this melody of love..for u..the dove

i m...an open book for u... inside these words.. i leave a clue..
the sun will fade n start again.. like our love.. theres no end..


i m gonna start remaking my portfolio...a good new vamp design complete with with flash n sound.. n permanent one.. no more MESS.. or oldies... ..

ihad a concept already.. n i lost it the next 5 seconds.. ..argh...frustrating.

ii m so excited...


hmm...u r probably guessing y.. y m i suddenly so excited.... bout my website. because i.. LONG YEN YEN.. yea.. not ashamed of my name anymore..woohOO..

... my work. MY website. n MY comic strip... for my computer graphics assignmnets last semester were PROMOTED n DUBBED one of the best works... wahhhahaha..
but unfortunately.. in that particular moment of glamour.. i was snoozing in my room..cutting my class.. skipped n truanted. no chance for me to blow kisses or refuse autographs......

i m seriously n surprisingly bored of my work in campus... lost the spirit to do those meander work... once i m donewith my pportfolio i m going job hunting....

i m bored n annoyed to the extreme by bad lecturers that can do good work but doesn't know how to teach... for those who are interested in putting up mp3s in their site as well....yahoo! me for the patch...


well..everything is again alright... love triumph once more.... :D
i would have gladly change this mp3... but i think i'll leave it for a week more.. wat say u?

now....i have work to do.. so if u please excuse me....

THE JOY OF MMU
big minds discuss ideas..
mediocre minds discuss events..
small minds discuss people..




i know i can be a little stubborn sometimes..
u might say.. a little righteous n too proud...
i just wanna find a way to compromise.. cuz i believe that we could work things out..


i though i had all the answers..
never giving in.. but sinCe u gone i admit that i was wrong..


all i know is i m so lost without u i m not gonna lie..
how m i gonna be strong without u i need u by my side..
if we ever say we never be together n we ended it with goodbye..
dunno what i do.. i m lost without u..
i keep trying to find my way.. but all i know is i m so lost without u..
i keep trying to Face the day.. i m lost
without u..


how m i ever gonna get rid of this blues.. i m so lonely all the time..
everywhere i go i get so confused... u r the only thing thats on my mind..


my bed's so cold at night..n i miss u more each day...
only u can make it right ...
no.. i m not too proud to say..


if i could only hold u now.. n make the pain just go away.. can't stop the tears from running down my face...

....................................

ok.. lack of posts for the past few months have been dry.. why?.. i had someone to talk to.. why explainS the lack of need for blogging.. why blog when u can talk n talk n get some crap back?..

daily..+++ my dad came back..holding a leaf..."have u ever seen a leaf befroe?"

me..."yea??"

"have u ever seen a leaf before?"

me..."yea? all around the place.."..glanced at the leaf on his socks.. it looks sick.. with i dunno..light spots..black n yellow..

"have u ever see living things in them?"

"huh? worms?"

he grabbed a magnifying glass... my sister was amazed... in the tiny yellow spot.. theres a worm.....

"education time...kids"..

.....(lame betul)

u can't even see the worm....

.. personally.. i have been intrigued.. by people in MMU...

ok. history first..

back in my high school... i m pretty unnoticable... ok.. the cool girls have their tight shirs n short skirts..while me.. have an extra large shirt n a extremely tight cullocks.. courtesy of my dear father.

they have also straightened their hair.. n are tons taller than me.. n somehow.. they can talk

not to say i cannot talk.. i can.. also talk... and alot more wiser than them too... all they talk about is when is their next red box outing.. next WARP outing... why that cute teacher is always looking at that girl.. n all bout popular girls n guys..

.... so naturally.. i gotten so used to being invisible that i thought that i could jsut invisible my way thru MMU n get the grades i want as well.... who cares if people thought that u r cold n hard ?

.. ok. first day of orientation...

ah..

this is where the fun starts.

somehow.

somewhere..

i got hooked up with this certain girl called Audrey....

hahaha'

u all probably guess where this is going. man .. u just can't stop talking around her...

n since the first friend is already so fun loving .. add that with Fel...

.. we wreak havocs man.

i jsut can't stop talking.

n to my astonishment... people actually notices me in MMU.. u people may think its nothing.. but for someone who has been invisible for so many years... its vvv touching indeed...

suddenly there's someone complimenting on my earrings.. n accessories.... goodness gracious!! i didn't know people actually praises others....

n to my utter amazement... during our group performance.. i was the stage girl.. holding those action cards.. before every scene... n then. people actually responded to me. they actually wallow n billowed.

instead of the usual boos in my high school... no.. boos is already too much. usually they ignores.

how amazed. was i.

but no.

NO

..i dun suit here. no i don't. i can't. CAN't.

he doesn't likes me to socialize.... can't talk to guys... can't even look at them. i must be faithful..

but i m free.. i wanna be free... does that means i dun love him?.. i do.. in a weird sorta way...

slowly i evolved... all my jealousy.. yes.. i m a very jealous person.. they went away... n i myself loosen up.. started commenting on other's beauties.... n i started socializing.....

people aren't so bad after all... how bad can they be?

how bad can they be..........

n oF cos... ahem ahem.. me n my results... ah.. hehe.. i m a good student. of cos... straight flushes so far.. always.

but the topic today is..why do people judge me?

i m not gonna blame the way i dress on the high school i came from... which only homed rich kids.. n i m not one.. but somehow.. when u go somewhere.. u adapt..

i m gonna blame it on the trip to australia... that was when i was 14... ok.. before that i a tomboy.. believe me.. u wouldn't wanna see my pics..

i had like.. blue thick plastic rimmed specs on my face. with Harry POtter's hair... n i haVe a habit of peeling my lips.. leaving them bleeding all the time.. n a habit of pluckin my hair leaving them bald patches... THAT BAD...

..u see... i went to aussie... n people there dresses whatever they want.. n no one stares...it was then i discover the beauty of my body.... wa.. i have breasts!!... n they are reasonably big for my age.... ah.. can't believe i m writing this... courtesy of my mom....

.. my aunt n cousinS who were there.. instructed me clothes to buy.. wa.. bare back.. so scared man.. see also i curl into a ball.. body hugging.. eeyer!!..got one got holes on the side.. aiya!!

.. when i wear them.. i was amazed.

truly truly amazed.

n i bought bras n panties too... not those from pasar malam that my DAD tried on me IN FRONT OF EVERYONE>>> he wears the bra ON ME over my shirt in front of EVERYONE!!!

ahh!!!!..no.. no bras.. i wanna be a boy!!! a boy.

but then. i discover..wow.. i m sexxeh.....

i came back from australia.. changed.. n suddenly i caught my cousins looking at me in a way... i din't know i can be a girl.. wow. thats some kinda power.

since then.. my wardrobe consists of nothing but stuffs that compliment my body.. only i OFTEN ran out of course n made things worse instead......

.. n of cos..hair do grow back..not all..but sufficient for beauty...

lips healed.. but thicker than the natural gift from God... n one side seems bigger.. who cares?..

.. n then theres this miracle thing called... contact lenses!..

but Still.. that is never enough in my high school.. i wasn't naturally cool.. who cares.

ok.. why do people juDge me...

if i m wat i wear.. would i be in MAXIM?..FHM?..

if i m wat i say.. would i be socrates' student.?

.. if i m wat i do...aiyo.. then i wouldn't exists.. i screw up lots of times before..

no. i m not a bimbo.... i have brains..

not a nerd either.. i have a life too.. though it consists of hanging out with my friends in red box n shopping.. n movies ...

definitely not a computer geek... eventhough i have had a bf thru the net for 2 years. which failed miserable... n i do blog.. n i surf too much... (ok..maybe i m one..but i m making a different point here).. i do still OFF my laptop n sleep u know...

i mnot a winner.. neither m i a loser... whichever u think i m... it depends where u are... MMU.. different..high school.. different... relatives... oh heck it....

yes.. i hate going back to my real mother's side...but not as much as spending timein my stepmom's side...

my real mother's side is less cultured n educated.. consisted mainly of her sisters who were so damn frigging poor that they were prostitutes..some of them... not my mother.. thanks to my father... n whenever i go there.... ah... my confidence of myself would deflate to ZERO no matter how high it used to be.....

suddenly i m reminded that my ears stick out. n my lips are big.. ok i know they are. n i m dark.. n i m short. n my boobs are big. freak.

even my aunt who is so sick n almost lost her memory in the hospital recognize me thru my obvious trademark in the middle of my body.

i m not a filial daughter... i do lose my temper at my father.. often. i do not agree to his vicious way of bringing up a child.. consisting mainly of lies n beatings n unfair judgements. but i do.. however love him.. as i feel the pain that he feels... n the stress....

i m not a good friend either.. i do not remember birthdays well.. i usually trusted myhandphone.. n most of the time.s.. i rather be alone than to hang out with them.. but i do care... sometimes there's just thEse urges to call them up.. or find out how are they.. n sometimes i jsut wana say endearments to them.. but have no courage face to face..thus this blog comes in handy..

i m not good to myself too.. i can't be bothered to bathe.. or brush my teeth. yea .. get away from me.. u health freaks!.. hhahaa

.. i dun sleep early.. doesn't mean i don't sleep.. n i dun comb my hair..but i do now cuz i have to make the 250 bucks straightening worthwhile... i dun eat... i dun do anything to keep myself in shape.. but i do.. however... um....wat?..oh yea.. um.. hope this counts.. cosmetics?..no i dun.. .ah.

i guess i leave this as it is..

n definitely not a good student.. teachers have never liked me... often find me too rude.. too quiet.. too moody.. n too sleepy.hahaha.. but i do get good results.. which sometimes surprised them.. n i love surprises...

...so dun judge me.. accroding to how i write.. or how i dress. or how i talk.. cuz i m much much deeper than u think.. n do not at all..judge how i feel right now. .

dun because i wear a cap.. n loose pants.. think i m a tomboy

or revealing clothes..tight ones.. think i m a bimbo..

or if i can't go out..cuz i need to study.. think i m a geek...

or if i sleep late... think i m doing something bad..

or if my companion is different from me.. think i m in their category.. or they are in mine..

............

Forget the love that you once shared
Forget the face that had once cared
Forget the time we spent together
Remember now i m gone forever,

Forget the way i said i loved you
Forget the way i kissed and hugged you
Forget all those nights when i held you tight
Remember now i hold her tonight,

Forget the way i looked at you
Forget you kissed the whole night through
Forget all your dreams came true
REMEMBER, that i don't love you--- koezen86@hotmail.com [ain't i hurt enough adi?] grr.

TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER

why m i frustrated??


i m amazed by myself.. i wonder how i did it.. weirdness.. apparently.. doing something calls for the preparation of accepting it.. n apparently i m ridiculously unprepared.

BE CONTENT.

ok.
i m content...

wat??

i AM content..

... i m content..

.....................................................................................................................


yesterday night.. walked into the shop..ordered pan mee... both me n my father..

... u know.. ur mom...she loves eating this.... she likes it torn.. not machined rolled...


.....

..

do u still love her?


....(nods his head furiously)i miss her alot.. like crazy...

.....


....is there... any way to let go?..


...(shakes his head furiously)... no.. it can't be.. why should i?
why should i forget her?... husbands n wives dun forget.. if its puppy love.. i don't give a damn..
its all about choices..[i jerked my head up violently..choices??]... but when it comes to husband n wife.. its no longer a choice.. its fate.



the met when he was 16... 10 years..they lasteD..then they got married.. ..n 10 years of marriage... then she left us...

now 10 years has passed.... n my dad still remembers.... wat she like to wear.. what she love to eat... everything....


after 10 years.. will i remember u?
will i remember the songs u sanG to me... n how u fed me?.. or how.. ah. watever


..........................................................................................................


how can he remember her so much more?.. when i don't?
does that means i love her less?

i supposed it does. 8 years with her.. yet... how she fought n defend me from my father... i have no where in my heart to appreciate it.

the most vivid memories.. .. when he beat me....... she coaxed me... carried me in her arms.. n fed me butter from the container.. i hated butter then.. but somehow after that.. i love it.....

.. remembered once.. when i was such a bad kid... n then i realized wat i had done.. she was cooking in the kitchen.. n i just ran to hug her... n tell her 'thank u for everything'... i must say i m not a very emotional person when it comes to words.. n whenever i do say something like that.... sigh. not a pretty sight.. conclusion is.


n of cos.. silly times....

there was once.. where my mom n dad wanna have some ..er.. private times in the bathroom.. she Gave me the excuse.."na.. now mammy had to rub daddy's back for him in the bathroom... if anyone comes around... please tell them we've gone out..ok?"

.... moments later... someone rang the doorbell....
salesman..... hallo.. where is daddy n mommy??
me... i dunno wor.. they gone out adi....
salesman...... gone out where?.. when will they come back?
me..... i dunno. mammy she..rubbing daddy's back.. need vv long one...
salesman... laughs weirdly..... ok..ok....i'll come back later..


after that.. i told them...wat happened n wat i said... my mom couldn't stop laughing.. n my father looked annoyed..

haha....din understand wats going on til much much later.


of cos..there were bad times.. when they fought.. n wouldn't talk to each other.. me.. trying to play midde man.. would purposely cry.. n moaned.."mammy.. dun be angry with daddy already... dun fight adi.."......n it works everytime....at leaSt in front of me..


..............................................................................................................................

i supposed its ok.. its alright.