haze

THE JOY OF MMU
big minds discuss ideas..
mediocre minds discuss events..
small minds discuss people..




i know i can be a little stubborn sometimes..
u might say.. a little righteous n too proud...
i just wanna find a way to compromise.. cuz i believe that we could work things out..


i though i had all the answers..
never giving in.. but sinCe u gone i admit that i was wrong..


all i know is i m so lost without u i m not gonna lie..
how m i gonna be strong without u i need u by my side..
if we ever say we never be together n we ended it with goodbye..
dunno what i do.. i m lost without u..
i keep trying to find my way.. but all i know is i m so lost without u..
i keep trying to Face the day.. i m lost
without u..


how m i ever gonna get rid of this blues.. i m so lonely all the time..
everywhere i go i get so confused... u r the only thing thats on my mind..


my bed's so cold at night..n i miss u more each day...
only u can make it right ...
no.. i m not too proud to say..


if i could only hold u now.. n make the pain just go away.. can't stop the tears from running down my face...

....................................

ok.. lack of posts for the past few months have been dry.. why?.. i had someone to talk to.. why explainS the lack of need for blogging.. why blog when u can talk n talk n get some crap back?..

daily..+++ my dad came back..holding a leaf..."have u ever seen a leaf befroe?"

me..."yea??"

"have u ever seen a leaf before?"

me..."yea? all around the place.."..glanced at the leaf on his socks.. it looks sick.. with i dunno..light spots..black n yellow..

"have u ever see living things in them?"

"huh? worms?"

he grabbed a magnifying glass... my sister was amazed... in the tiny yellow spot.. theres a worm.....

"education time...kids"..

.....(lame betul)

u can't even see the worm....

.. personally.. i have been intrigued.. by people in MMU...

ok. history first..

back in my high school... i m pretty unnoticable... ok.. the cool girls have their tight shirs n short skirts..while me.. have an extra large shirt n a extremely tight cullocks.. courtesy of my dear father.

they have also straightened their hair.. n are tons taller than me.. n somehow.. they can talk

not to say i cannot talk.. i can.. also talk... and alot more wiser than them too... all they talk about is when is their next red box outing.. next WARP outing... why that cute teacher is always looking at that girl.. n all bout popular girls n guys..

.... so naturally.. i gotten so used to being invisible that i thought that i could jsut invisible my way thru MMU n get the grades i want as well.... who cares if people thought that u r cold n hard ?

.. ok. first day of orientation...

ah..

this is where the fun starts.

somehow.

somewhere..

i got hooked up with this certain girl called Audrey....

hahaha'

u all probably guess where this is going. man .. u just can't stop talking around her...

n since the first friend is already so fun loving .. add that with Fel...

.. we wreak havocs man.

i jsut can't stop talking.

n to my astonishment... people actually notices me in MMU.. u people may think its nothing.. but for someone who has been invisible for so many years... its vvv touching indeed...

suddenly there's someone complimenting on my earrings.. n accessories.... goodness gracious!! i didn't know people actually praises others....

n to my utter amazement... during our group performance.. i was the stage girl.. holding those action cards.. before every scene... n then. people actually responded to me. they actually wallow n billowed.

instead of the usual boos in my high school... no.. boos is already too much. usually they ignores.

how amazed. was i.

but no.

NO

..i dun suit here. no i don't. i can't. CAN't.

he doesn't likes me to socialize.... can't talk to guys... can't even look at them. i must be faithful..

but i m free.. i wanna be free... does that means i dun love him?.. i do.. in a weird sorta way...

slowly i evolved... all my jealousy.. yes.. i m a very jealous person.. they went away... n i myself loosen up.. started commenting on other's beauties.... n i started socializing.....

people aren't so bad after all... how bad can they be?

how bad can they be..........

n oF cos... ahem ahem.. me n my results... ah.. hehe.. i m a good student. of cos... straight flushes so far.. always.

but the topic today is..why do people judge me?

i m not gonna blame the way i dress on the high school i came from... which only homed rich kids.. n i m not one.. but somehow.. when u go somewhere.. u adapt..

i m gonna blame it on the trip to australia... that was when i was 14... ok.. before that i a tomboy.. believe me.. u wouldn't wanna see my pics..

i had like.. blue thick plastic rimmed specs on my face. with Harry POtter's hair... n i haVe a habit of peeling my lips.. leaving them bleeding all the time.. n a habit of pluckin my hair leaving them bald patches... THAT BAD...

..u see... i went to aussie... n people there dresses whatever they want.. n no one stares...it was then i discover the beauty of my body.... wa.. i have breasts!!... n they are reasonably big for my age.... ah.. can't believe i m writing this... courtesy of my mom....

.. my aunt n cousinS who were there.. instructed me clothes to buy.. wa.. bare back.. so scared man.. see also i curl into a ball.. body hugging.. eeyer!!..got one got holes on the side.. aiya!!

.. when i wear them.. i was amazed.

truly truly amazed.

n i bought bras n panties too... not those from pasar malam that my DAD tried on me IN FRONT OF EVERYONE>>> he wears the bra ON ME over my shirt in front of EVERYONE!!!

ahh!!!!..no.. no bras.. i wanna be a boy!!! a boy.

but then. i discover..wow.. i m sexxeh.....

i came back from australia.. changed.. n suddenly i caught my cousins looking at me in a way... i din't know i can be a girl.. wow. thats some kinda power.

since then.. my wardrobe consists of nothing but stuffs that compliment my body.. only i OFTEN ran out of course n made things worse instead......

.. n of cos..hair do grow back..not all..but sufficient for beauty...

lips healed.. but thicker than the natural gift from God... n one side seems bigger.. who cares?..

.. n then theres this miracle thing called... contact lenses!..

but Still.. that is never enough in my high school.. i wasn't naturally cool.. who cares.

ok.. why do people juDge me...

if i m wat i wear.. would i be in MAXIM?..FHM?..

if i m wat i say.. would i be socrates' student.?

.. if i m wat i do...aiyo.. then i wouldn't exists.. i screw up lots of times before..

no. i m not a bimbo.... i have brains..

not a nerd either.. i have a life too.. though it consists of hanging out with my friends in red box n shopping.. n movies ...

definitely not a computer geek... eventhough i have had a bf thru the net for 2 years. which failed miserable... n i do blog.. n i surf too much... (ok..maybe i m one..but i m making a different point here).. i do still OFF my laptop n sleep u know...

i mnot a winner.. neither m i a loser... whichever u think i m... it depends where u are... MMU.. different..high school.. different... relatives... oh heck it....

yes.. i hate going back to my real mother's side...but not as much as spending timein my stepmom's side...

my real mother's side is less cultured n educated.. consisted mainly of her sisters who were so damn frigging poor that they were prostitutes..some of them... not my mother.. thanks to my father... n whenever i go there.... ah... my confidence of myself would deflate to ZERO no matter how high it used to be.....

suddenly i m reminded that my ears stick out. n my lips are big.. ok i know they are. n i m dark.. n i m short. n my boobs are big. freak.

even my aunt who is so sick n almost lost her memory in the hospital recognize me thru my obvious trademark in the middle of my body.

i m not a filial daughter... i do lose my temper at my father.. often. i do not agree to his vicious way of bringing up a child.. consisting mainly of lies n beatings n unfair judgements. but i do.. however love him.. as i feel the pain that he feels... n the stress....

i m not a good friend either.. i do not remember birthdays well.. i usually trusted myhandphone.. n most of the time.s.. i rather be alone than to hang out with them.. but i do care... sometimes there's just thEse urges to call them up.. or find out how are they.. n sometimes i jsut wana say endearments to them.. but have no courage face to face..thus this blog comes in handy..

i m not good to myself too.. i can't be bothered to bathe.. or brush my teeth. yea .. get away from me.. u health freaks!.. hhahaa

.. i dun sleep early.. doesn't mean i don't sleep.. n i dun comb my hair..but i do now cuz i have to make the 250 bucks straightening worthwhile... i dun eat... i dun do anything to keep myself in shape.. but i do.. however... um....wat?..oh yea.. um.. hope this counts.. cosmetics?..no i dun.. .ah.

i guess i leave this as it is..

n definitely not a good student.. teachers have never liked me... often find me too rude.. too quiet.. too moody.. n too sleepy.hahaha.. but i do get good results.. which sometimes surprised them.. n i love surprises...

...so dun judge me.. accroding to how i write.. or how i dress. or how i talk.. cuz i m much much deeper than u think.. n do not at all..judge how i feel right now. .

dun because i wear a cap.. n loose pants.. think i m a tomboy

or revealing clothes..tight ones.. think i m a bimbo..

or if i can't go out..cuz i need to study.. think i m a geek...

or if i sleep late... think i m doing something bad..

or if my companion is different from me.. think i m in their category.. or they are in mine..

............

Forget the love that you once shared
Forget the face that had once cared
Forget the time we spent together
Remember now i m gone forever,

Forget the way i said i loved you
Forget the way i kissed and hugged you
Forget all those nights when i held you tight
Remember now i hold her tonight,

Forget the way i looked at you
Forget you kissed the whole night through
Forget all your dreams came true
REMEMBER, that i don't love you--- koezen86@hotmail.com [ain't i hurt enough adi?] grr.