Insanity

The craziest part of being crazy is that normal people come to you telling their crazy secrets. And you wonder who's crazier. At least you are honest about it. 

No longer need to impress

I used to never take a photo without makeup. Dressed to shock and heels are a must. My hair has to be done and I have to hold a solid conversation. 

These days I couldn't be bothered to have make up on. Id rather sleep in. Id go to work in what I slept in. And I hate heels. I truly loathe them. My hair is often in a mess and whenever I had to wait for someone, I had to fight the urge not to kneel on the ground or lie flat on the ground. 

I guess I no longer need to feel reassured of who I am to the public. I no longer want to impress with my physical appearance. And I just want to be comfortable. 

One thing that never change, I still feel like I am the coolest. 

I feel that this blog has been with me a long time and I need to give it a happy ending. A resolution for my younger days. 

In every story the endings the hardest to read, it's boring it's predictable and it's not full of surprises. For the most part it means that a anomaly is finally going to be normalcy and it's no longer interesting to follow. 

However, it's a good place to be. Peaceful and happy. 

Here's to good days ahead. 

Letter to KY

Dring,

How to write anything when the eyes wet before can type my thoughts. Bah. 

For the lack of flattery and worship, this will make up for it in one big chunk. I only hope you won't get too high in the clouds after a woman's declaration of love rock your day. 

I didn't expect much from you cuz I wasn't looking for a permanent companion. But time has proven. No. Time didn't do anything. You've proven. No I don't believe you've deliberately done anything. It's probably something cosmic just clicked and somehow I ended up intrigued by your ways. 

It's the twisted way you look at ordinary life and you made it interesting for me. Probably funny to others, but to a dark person like me it brings a fresh perspective. Like bringing sunshine and unicorns to mordor. Exactly like a plump fairy godmother do. 

It's how adaptable you are to my demands and how ridiculously instantaneous your changes are. It's scary though that with a little tweak you became indispensable and before that, I couldn't deal with your apathy. So what's real and what's not? I don't really care cuz I guess I have the best of all worlds. 

Mostly, you filled this void of me that's been empty with intellectual bickering and emotional connection. Can't say the same about filling my void orally though. 

I think that no matter what happened in the future and what path we take individually, there's always a compass to find each other. Not to be confused with geographic directions. But I seriously believe we bring the best out of each other and we keep each other sane. For the serious parts mostly. And it will only get better as we evolve into a bag of bones. 

When I was young I was always curious about the love my parents had for each other and lost the chance to see it almost immediately. I am very lucky to finally experience the same emotions and respect for another being. Feeling it everyday is a blessing, would be better if I am allowed to bite more. 

All love letters contain apologies and gratitude. I am obligated to continue rambling on. At this point I wish I could just say I m sorry for everything and thank you for everything. 

I am sorry for early days of conflicting reactions and communication. Perhaps it wasnt apparent but I was confused. 

I am sorry for not being ready right from the start. 

I am sorry for days I thought I could find someone better, which always result in disappointment and finally, realizing that there isn't such a person. 

I am sorry I thought you were gay. Lol. 

Thank you for unwavering trust and faith in me. I appreciate you opening up to me and letting me into your mind. Thank you for laundry and dinners. Thank you for the noise and chatter, adventures, effortless efforts and playing nice with my family. I like enjoying music with you. 

I'll always love you and even when I couldn't, I will not give up on us. If you have dark days, do remember that while burdening me is a pain, I will still be happier being depended on than being shoved away. In days when you feel nothing is going right, I'll be there to save you. When all else fails, separation is never an option that can bring happiness to me. If one day you are no longer who you are today, I'll either find you or join you in the dark side. 

Ps. The previous paragraph cannot be hold against me during petty fights, arguments, infidelity n shower requests.

Sekian. 

Your dring who seung ceh into a Beyond blasting car. 

Letter to KY

Dring,

How to write anything when the eyes wet before can type my thoughts. Bah. 

For the lack of flattery and worship, this will make up for it in one big chunk. I only hope you won't get too high in the clouds after a woman's declaration of love rock your day. 

I didn't expect much from you cuz I wasn't looking for a permanent companion. But time has proven. No. Time didn't do anything. You've proven. No I don't believe you've deliberately done anything. It's probably something cosmic just clicked and somehow I ended up intrigued by your ways. 

It's the twisted way you look at ordinary life and you made it interesting for me. Probably funny to others, but to a dark person like me it brings a fresh perspective. Like bringing sunshine and unicorns to mordor. Exactly like a plump fairy godmother do. 

It's how adaptable you are to my demands and how ridiculously instantaneous your changes are. It's scary though that with a little tweak you became indispensable and before that, I couldn't deal with your apathy. So what's real and what's not? I don't really care cuz I guess I have the best of all worlds. 

Mostly, you filled this void of me that's been empty with intellectual bickering and emotional connection. Can't say the same about filling my void orally though. 

I think that no matter what happened in the future and what path we take individually, there's always a compass to find each other. Not to be confused with geographic directions. But I seriously believe we bring the best out of each other and we keep each other sane. For the serious parts mostly. And it will only get better as we evolve into a bag of bones. 

When I was young I was always curious about the love my parents had for each other and lost the chance to see it almost immediately. I am very lucky to finally experience the same emotions and respect for another being. Feeling it everyday is a blessing, would be better if I am allowed to bite more. 

All love letters contain apologies and gratitude. I am obligated to continue rambling on. At this point I wish I could just say I m sorry for everything and thank you for everything. 

I am sorry for early days of conflicting reactions and communication. Perhaps it wasnt apparent but I was confused. 

I am sorry for not being ready right from the start. 

I am sorry for days I thought I could find someone better, which always result in disappointment and finally, realizing that there isn't such a person. 

I am sorry I thought you were gay. Lol. 

Thank you for unwavering trust and faith in me. I appreciate you opening up to me and letting me into your mind. Thank you for laundry and dinners. Thank you for the noise and chatter, adventures, effortless efforts and playing nice with my family. I like enjoying music with you. 

I'll always love you and even when I couldn't, I will not give up on us. If you have dark days, do remember that while burdening me is a pain, I will still be happier being depended on than being shoved away. In days when you feel nothing is going right, I'll be there to save you. When all else fails, separation is never an option that can bring happiness to me. If one day you are no longer who you are today, I'll either find you or join you in the dark side. 

Ps. The previous paragraph cannot be hold against me during petty fights, arguments, infidelity n shower requests.

Sekian. 

Your dring who seung ceh into a Beyond blasting car. 

Here we are again

Hah. Look who's here. All high n mighty to taunt the rest. 

It's me again. Lots have happened. I ended up with the funny guy and they said that laughters the best medicine. So it is. I m truly happy now. 

I have my own business up an running with friends working with me and learnt not to be stubborn, correct and independent. I've learnt a lot from others and continue humbly to learn today. I've learnt to feel ( I went to therapy) and I've learnt to lead. 

I feel fulfilled and as an individual I feel whole. There are times I m afraid that good times like these wouldn't last but with my emotional health now, I can enjoy good times and bad times with joy. 

These four years have been interesting, slightly rocky but interesting. I ended up with a man I seek safety and comfort in. While he lacks emotions I couldn't feel any. As I gasp for sanity and peace through the years he chilled and were by my side. 

We learnt to feel, to coexist and to love. We've been engaged but weddings not near. Our souls took some time to connect but I finally understood what others fear about me. We are both reprogram able and it's scary. I m afraid of him but then I m reminded of myself. Made the journey more worthwhile. 

This could be my first happy post and a peaceful one at that. I finally have the ending. My happy ending. N I yearn to be with him everyday. 

Funny though how detached we still are. There was a moment in time where I made a mistake when I m far away n I paid for it in revolting disgust. It haunts me still to this day that I can never bring that story to light. That is my retribution and I will bear the consequences. While he is enjoying the freedom and his life happily. We are both very happy. 

I regret that I was late in knowing him. Late in my success. Couldn't show my dad. But he lives in me n so does my mom. My stepmom is doing well with her kids and I visit them occasionally. 

And what do you know I bake now. Hah. We have 3 cats n he has way too many bikes and bicycles. 

It's kinda dull in a way, watching my friends get into relationships n fights and dramas while we settle for quiet days. Sometimes I wish I could play with men too(lately acquired the confidence for that ). N through the years there were times I was bored and I tried to do just that. Only to come running back empty handed in disappointment. It's hard to look for fun when you've already have the best playmate. N sometimes it's weirdly disappointing to realize "this is it? It's really him?" Omg. 

Oh well. First world problem I reckon. I've never really acquire the knack of flattering my other half publicly but I suppose this particular one's got his merits. Peh. 

Prelude or Ending?

Right now I am semi-awakened albeit a half-boiled egg.

It's ridiculous and mystifying how someone can forgive another for a cruel mistake, still love that person but hate at the same time and somehow want to do her after.

Yet, it is a jealous kind of love. a selfish kind of love. suffocating and drowning the other person.

Isn't it dangerous to feel that deep without any barrier of defense for protection.

Isn't it only natural that I will protect this person.

Then there is someone else who is utterly cold and devoid of compassion, driven by fear. Similar to a frightened puppy who barks and bites anyone who comes close. Thats the impression he creates, not the impression I judged.

Isn't it dangerous to be so detached from the world?

Isn't it only natural that I will want to show him the wonders.

I admit I have a dangerous craving for a challenge, the more difficult the better. Makes me a magnet to trouble and chaos. What is it that I cannot fix anyway.. pftt.

Turns out that playing god (accidentally this time) took a turn for the worst.

By protecting, I am oversheltering and like a weak pet, how can it survive when the master is gone?

In the end, everytime I leave, he is depressed. when I show a miligram of kindness, he takes it as a proposal for happily ever after. And due to overprotection, the threshold of pain he can take goes down.

By sharing wonders, I am enticing myself to the wonders and I got caught up in something that got threaded from the illusions.

In the end, temporary attraction occurs and the difference between reality and dreams become a thin red line of pain. I now realized why I could never hate anyone, hate comes from pain. When pain is inflicted on me, I just give up entirely and move on cold and blind. Bye, that's it.

It's a wonder how I screwed up so much over the course of 24 years.

How I have hurt others and hurt myself in the end. To define myself as bad would be an understatement if I attempt to define. Cruel and apocalyptic would be more appropriate.

Of course, one would not learn if one did not fall. I felt like this time, I have completed my final lesson and degree.

.. Just that I felt that I got cheated out of more money than what I could afford in the first place, so to speak.

I used to be naive and ask alot, expect stars and galaxy, hurt when I lose.

I guess it's time for the real thing. I am ready to say no until the mysterious person appears.

I been stupid. Its just a transaction. People ask can u love me just like how they ask can I buy eggs from you?

If I can't, just say no. There's no eggs, say no.

but then again what happens if u try to give eggs when u dun have any? after 5 tries, it gets difficult to no isn't it?

It's kinda quiet and lonely at night isn't it?

Thoughts

i been drunk almost everynight now.

i am stopping.

waking up.

i talked alot with people involved.

guess april's fool came early.

tomorrow. one last thing to do. before i wake up.

when i wake up i will know what i want.

will it be a good ending or a bad one this time?

let's find out.

Back here since so long huh

Look who's back.

the bipolar and the upset one.

i m hurting in my heart. n hurting down there. i hurt someone dear to me.

now that's alot of hurt

lets start from the beginning.

i fell out of love. then fell in love.

i was strong. kind. gentle. compassionate. with empathy yet detached.

someone took it for granted. n trampled on it.

i wrecked everything in my life that is dear to me.

it was obviously, my stupidity.

i painted a future that was too good to be true. of freedom and happiness.

i took kindness for granted and trampled on someone's heart over n over again.

my dad doesnt have long left

n i lost everything in 1 week.

i have nothing else to lose.

somehow. someone played the role of both the devil and the angel. both saved and destroyed me. should I be thankful? I do not know.

I have always done things with a reward at the end of the journey. right now there is none.

am I angry? no.

am I in pain ? yes.

I m feeling every shade of destroyed when people who are involved dun give 3 fucks bout me.

how pathetic is that.

now i m truly. broken.

soon to be orphan too.

now that's a freedom people dun get often.

will i be able to heal? of course. cuz i m not some chapalang street girl.

i m haze long for christ sake. but sadly, i let people treat me like a chapalang lala chick.

its a whole circle of pain for everyone involved. n i m not the victim. :)

but the assailant. again.

i m truly grateful to my friends. i know no one will read this unless they bothered. so i can just blast all my shit here.

thank you. celine. vinn. johnny. bryan. carrot. kevin. ciki. ky. gareth. kim. jaclyn.

there is no way for me to express my excuses or reasons for being so selfish to one n yet so selfless to another. nor so cruel to one n yet so kind to the other.

in the end, i was betrayed by the weakness and fragility in others.

i was never the one who was confused. i had a clear crisp resolution of what i wanted.

yet everyone around me seems to be in a fog.

n obviously i m in denial. i too was in a fog. now the fog is cleared, the truth is out, the worst is over.

here comes happiness for all of us.

i pity those who are involved that doesn't have friends to support them. i guess i have it easier for this part of the incident.

but i learnt. to never ever ruin. never. ruin. my life. ever again. by being caught up in the moment n blinded by my own delusions.

i guess the feeling that i can accurately pinpoint is hellbreak.

maybe that will come true. if it does, happiness is still in store for at least some people.

if it doesn't. then fuck. my. life.

at least. I am healing. from chaos, selfishness.

i no longer need to play the role of a bad girlfriend. of a bad friend.

i no longer need to keep secrets.

every damn thing is out in the open.

n i know, i m becoming a better person.

here comes better life.

The Last Post

Take my hand.. lead me through the fire.

You will be my long awaited answer to a long and painful fight.

Truth be told I tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear.

We all begin with good intent when love was raw and young.

We believe that we can change ourselves, the past can be undone but we carry on our back our burden.

A burden time always reveals.

In the lonely and quiet night and the wound that will never heal

Its the bitter taste of losing everything. everyone.

that i've held so dear.

I have nowhere left to turn but you.

I'm lost to those I thought were friends to everyone I knew.

They turn their heads away, pretend they don't see me.

It's one missed step one slip before I know it and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.

Though I tried to be strong I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up

Tried to handle this the best I could to deter it from traumatizing me.

It's all I could do to not drown in their passing shadows.

and when I found myself and you in some far off place.

It causes me to rethink some things, I start to sense that I have became someone else.

Things that have been lost on me are now clear as a bell.

When I go thru life so sure of where I am heading and I wind up lost and its the worse thing that could have happened.

The dreams I built for myself are not dreams I could achieve, I lost my way and I find myself weak and incapable of becoming perfect dreams.

The chilling night freeze my beating heart, enveloping it in despair and loneliness.

I breathe in the beautiful world out my window.

When I reached happiness, a silent part inside me wants to burn the earth up in flames.

Its a bitter confidence of knowing a burn is not as painful as what you have caused me.

Living is so hard to do when all I know is trapped inside your eyes but this aching heart ain't broken yet.

Maybe it's time for miracles.

confusion

i hate this part right here. the only thing that comforts me is assurance.

the only thing chasing me away is uncertainties.

uncertainties makes me feel unsure, unwanted, and like i m being played a fool.

who am i.

sigh...

new life

its been a long journey since i started blushberry.

i found friends. lost friends. got hurt. hurt others.

i learnt the hard way.. things I couldnt handle.. people i tried to handle.

i have grown.

after one full circle, i met new friends again... broke up. reconcile with old friends. n recovered.

(ok. in about 1 week's time. this blog is gonna be private as i will be putting up my version 2 .. n my personal blog will be there. this blog is a tad too personal to be public.)

so either you get to read this or you don't.

i m happy now. i have been compensating for another person's humor, life, happiness and temper.. if i slack for 2 out of 10 times.. i get berated by everyone around me, my family, friends his friends, him and myself as well.

"what about me. how come its always him that is being protected."

i was a coward, not daring to move or leave the comfort zone. i left. m fucking scared but I am moving on.

i am single but not looking.

the reason why I am not looking is just simple : i know exactly who i want.

n the time and tide is not right. until it is... i'll be single.

"thanks.. patience is virtue"

yes i lost my mac book pro. my friends. my relationship. my life basically. but i have gained something invaluable in return..

fml i misspelled something as someone fml. -_-

and i stopped smoking for 1 day already. clean. its amazing how much my skin cleared up.

back to topic.. i have gained a full understanding of my potential and the realization of the life I want.

i want a room full of apple products. imac. mbp. iphone.

i want a car.

after that i wanna travel.

then i want a house.

i realized my perk of getting up and driving late at night is not so weird...n the fact that i can just be silenced by the vastness of the sky and the beauty of the night is not that difficult to project to other people. just depending on who. maybe.

if you see this. thanks for reading so far. its been 6 years since this blog has started. its time to move on. the next time you are here.. u will be redirected to another website.

cheers

what can be done

now that i finally realized.
the person I really am..
i guess if I am written in fiction.. I would both hate and love my character.
perhaps that's the problem. the fact I could still love this kinda character.

I am addicted to people. their faces.
their imperfections. yes this is my first point.
their perfections.
and loved them all.
hence i loved to talk about them.

i do not have secrets. perhaps at young, my all was already bared. to everyone.
and my philosophy is :
'if i have a secret, then it means I am still in pain.'
'a secret is no longer a secret when you tell the first person.'

and sometimes.. people wouldn't announce that something they said is a secret. they expected you to know.
and more than often enough, i do not know what is a secret and what is not.

back to talking bout them. I blatantly and ruthlessly bare all.
the disrespectfulness of this i still couldn't comprehend.
cuz i thought u only reveal the secret hidings to people important to you.
perhaps I never thought that i was.
why. i supposed thats another issue.

i could cry now knowing the pain i caused others.
but i guess i should keep it inside to remind me not to do it again.
whether how i view them... i do not know if i can change.
but i do know that this is the way to stop the damages i befall upon them.

now i see the pointlessness of apologies.
but i guess punishments are in call.
just so i will never do it again

Night of Temporary Highs

Chasing temporary highs
of a perfect smile
and a perfect prince
extends a hand to me

what do you mean i m shy.
I am just choosy.

it has come.

how are you doing..
are you ok..
are you fine..
are you happy.

its painful. strickenly painful
to see the sand castle get swept away by the waves.
built it. repaired it. rebuilt. rebuilt.
in the end. it flowed away into the sea.
melting with other particles of life.
never to meet again.

will i ever see the world as a free person
who don't belong to you.
i touch myself and can only feel imprints you made on me.
i see myself and can only see you beside me.
i look around me and can only see our memories everywhere.

i feel like laughing hysterically.
i feel like crying til my heart runs out of air.
i feel like screaming hoping my screams will make everything better.

i been numb. dumb.
i never knew Sundays are so empty. so quiet.

love is like the wind.
you can't catch it. hold it. chain it.
but let it flow around you.. and feel the emotions go deep inside you
for that brief moment.
i wonder if it is only me.. who winds down the window and put my hand out while i drive.
to feel the wind.

i wonder how many drivers out there today see the beautiful sky and the clouds.
and feel the wind.

i m not free.
i m still bound by chains.
the name of my owner is still engraved on my dog tag round my neck.
wandering. lost.
looking for a key to unlock.

i wondered if you have found your painkiller yet.
i wonder if you have made new memories with someone else.
i wonder if you knew. how hard i tried. how i did not even cry. i did not even talk.

everyday..i see new faces.
i get excited.
the world is big.
it is all mine to take.
yet i couldn't take when i am in chains.

i wonder if you recall this movie.
of this story of a group of people in a prison.
when one of them gets released, he couldn't fathom the freedom.
and he end up killing himself.
he was too used to the prison.

i wonder if you knew that i was suffocating.
there are times when i waited for you. you never c0me.
there are times you waited for me. I was away. you send msgs.
to me. then to my friends.
before i could touch the keys.. the whole world is announcing and they are all worked up trying to tell me you are waiting.
and all you want to ask is what i did today. yesterday tomorrow. the day before.
i have to repeat whats in the diary. to you.
n all i really wanted to say was.. nothing happened everyday.
i do not care. i want to forget what happened everyday.

there are days i wake up. and sleep.
where you did not appear in my mind. and at night i have to tell you i miss you. i love you.
there are days i remember.. of the love that we had.
there are nights i hope my fingers can trace your jawline. and your nose.
n those times i told you i miss you. i love you.

i wonder if you could tell the difference.

there are times i realized. i have not release my chain on you.
because you are mine and mine alone.
often i feel lost. with the freedom that i have.
these are the times i feel lost without all your rules and warnings.
those are the times i should have felt irritated. just like how i felt when you existed.

somehow, the good memories have vanished.
but the bad ones are the ones I could not let go.
and they are the ones that drove me away from you.

time will not change who we are.
it will only add more scars.
the next time we meet..will we recognize each other.
will the vacant space next to our shoulder be filled with another human.
do we need to laugh and smile at the pain of seeing each other in another person's possession.

how many heartaches does it take.
to make this right.
how many beds do we need to sleep in.. to forget us.
how many more nights do i need to remove this black chain from my hand.

quenched

its funny .... there was this knot inside.. it just released.. after we talked..
its funny.. there's this incredible pain whirling inside.. it just can't come out.
its stupid.. there are rubbish everywhere..
maybe you can't tear if you are bleeding internally.

If I could...

If I could make the skies blue for you.. I would.

If I could go back to the days where we first met, I rather we not meet.
Given the chance, I rather we meet when time is on our side.

If I could go back to the sweet days of romance, I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather we stay the same.. instead of becoming mao maos.

If I could go back to uni days.. I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather us not meet each other's parents.
I rather us be in our little bubble of joy.

Given the chance, I rather us argue everyday.
Then we wouldn't pretend to accept and agree.
Then every real argument won't start cuz one of us exploded and ends up in break up.

Given the chance, I wouldn't change from the girl you once knew to the person I am.
and given the chance, I rather you not change from the guy you once was.

If there is 7 days in a week, I rather spend only 2 days with you. instead of 7.
Then we wouldn't take each other for granted.

If we knew what we did was so harmful, we wouldn't do it.
If we could just sleep and wake up to romantic days, that would be ideal.

If you could accept me and my changes, you wouldn't need to compromise.
If I could just be honest with you, I wouldn't need to pretend. and you wouldn't need to pretend that you are less committed to prevent pain.

If we are less frustrated with own selves, then we wouldn't take it out on each other.

I guess we destroyed everything.
I guess its too late.

and there is nothing to do but to cry.
for our lost love.

"Forgive me, I am this kinda girl:

I never knew my role.. fearing that I would need to make sacrifices for someone again.
To love, you need some kind of talent.
that's why I finally learn that to love, you need to give space..

I am not naive enough..
I don't allow myself to wait like an idiot.

but I am cruel to myself..
no matter how cruel, I still know my limits.

I was too serious..that's why I believe in love forever.
love makes us disappointed, thats why we pull each other down lower.

I was too responsible, I do not allow myself to have too many regrets..
but I am honest to myself, no matter how honest, I still know my limits.

I am an innocent kinda girl.. I do need some time to let out a long sigh..
those casual hugs, I keep them for people I hurt before.

You know that there are some questions that have no answers.. you still have to ask.
forgive me..cuz I am this kinda girl.."

Not Good Enough

I dunno where to start.. or how.. but I do know he does not follow this blog.. so this is the only place.

Since young, I been trying.. trying to be good enough..
good enough so my mom have a reason to fight on.. to live.. at least for me.
apparently I am not good enough.

I tried to study with all that I have.. so that my aunts would love me like how they love their wretched and hopeless kids. in the end, they din give shit bout me.
apparently I am still not good enough.

I tried to study, I tried to work, I tried to entrepreneur, I tried to be creative.. so that my father would at least be proud of me.. i don't really need the pride from him.. but all i want is just a tiny little acknowledgement or encouragement.
even if that is not there, I just need him to stay in the family. or just to stop taking it out on me.
he wouldn't take the initiative to find out my performances, presentations, report book days, awards.. but do I really have to tell him everything so he would understand.
I am doing better ... compared to working 9-5 in some shit company, no matter what I would strive to never get employed. just to prove everyone I can do it.
he said he is worth 2k per hour. his dad said 500 per hour.
did they think when they are at MY age, what they were worth an hour. compared to the person I am now.
still. apparently I am not good enough. compared to China chicks or other kids. or other people he knew.

I only have 24 hours a day..splitting between work, family, friends and boyfriend and his family. Do I even have time for myself. I don't.
Do I even have time or any energy to remember where I last put my handphone, contact lenses, mouse, specs.. I really don't. Every second in my life, all that was in my mind is the rotating priorities that I have to place above myself.
And it was all sliced to 1 am for the previous days. I am running so thin.
I guess its obvious I sometimes or most of the time don't have the energy to remember that I need to bath, or brush my teeth or sleep. I can't remember when I turned to this.

It's the first time I felt suicidal last night. its the first time since a long time ago that I remember and I was possessed by the person that I was 10 years ago. Feeling so worthless and undeserving of everything around me, I just want everybody to disappear so I don't trouble them with my existence.
I thought of dying..and then I remember, I am in his house. The trouble I would cause them after that is astounding. and also to my dear 3 friends. and my dad would take it bad.
Then I thought, "Even in death, my existence seem to bring trouble to everyone around me".
Then I thought, "This must be how my mom felt."
Then I thought, "I must have this from her."
The window was so inviting, so is the wall. but I know, I know that this shit just means I am running away, but I am not. I just want to erase all the inches and pixels of the proof of my existence.


I have caused sufferings. If I didn't my mom wouldn't go. my dad married another for my sake. he is unhappy cuz I existed as his daughter. everyone around me have to bear and compromise all the shit I threw out again and again.

I thought I was normal... but then again, I was just suppressing this person inside me. It came out finally. I had never became any better since last time.

He said "If you go on like this, I am afraid there would be no one else left to love you anymore".
He said " I am frustrated and pressured to remind and scold u time and time again to close the toilet door, to remember where is your contact lenses, you even lost the handphone cover. the handphone I gave you. you fried your mac."
He said " How could you forget to close the gate. and spend the nights with friends than with me"
He said "I started playing football manager cuz u ceased to come home. and every night I am frustrated."
He said "If you could leave your house for 2 weeks cuz you are angry at your dad, next time you would do the same to me.. I am just not ready for that"

my one and only question is... since he already played fm before I went out often, why play last night when I was there waiting.. and waiting..

well.. cuz it was one click too long.

I couldn't adapt. couldn't stay in any house.. my house.. his house. their house. any house.
if you are that irritated.. and that frustrated that all this is in your mind... and when tears are running.. you don't give a damn..
its not like you didn't go out. with your friends.

Its because I was confined to your house rules, that I couldn't make it back. no. correction, I was not good enough cuz I couldn't wake up early and make it back in time. this is what you wanted to think.

I am just tired of defending. I will never be good enough for you.

I tried to love. but apparently not good enough.

and suddenly I just have this urge to find all the things that I couldn't find. my specs. my mouse. my contact lens case, my swimming goggles, my eyelashes, my handphone cover.
and I just couldn't remember. where. I just couldn't. and I just broke and cry each time I couldn't remember. Its so intensely frustrating. I thought I went insane. I felt out of the world.

you said... please sleep. i love you. come to bed.

don't pacify me. it's too late.

you said.. please stop this, tomorrow we will talk.

don't fool me with the once-you-sleep-the-next-morning-everything-will-be-better talk.

just stop talking. stop blaming. stop pushing all your frustration unto me. and just admit you don't love me.
cuz I think I was the only one with the intention to love yesterday night.

I won't defend myself. even if I win... you would start all the i love you i accept you i need you i want you shit. and i don't want that now.

just stop. everything. just stop.
it's just so fake. you may be the best boyfriend, sweets and charms and compromising.. but if you are feeling so irritated and frustrated inside, the sugar mask you put on will crack one day.
you may have rainbows and suns in front of me, but when I am away you bask in nothing but loneliness and frustration, not in our love. and true enough, it went on up to the point where I was around you, you are still drowning in loneliness and frustration.

all i could do is just to blame myself for being not good enough.
and for finally loving you when you don't love me.

the signs are all there, for the first time u went berserk trying to force me to talk.
for the first time i have nothing to say to you.
for the first time i m actually suicidal.
and for the first time you pushed me until I thought I was insane at one point.
and when i woke up, I had this sanguine feeling that I never felt before. a feeling like the day could not possibly get worse cuz its at its worst.

well here is what I want to say :
you place me in second place, and you in first. (you sped to your comedy show, and crawl to the jammed areas for my photoshoot)
you lose your temper at the slightest thing, at games. at futsal. at your friends. at the whole world around you. and that is enough to make you moody and I have to pamper you.
you think ur better than me cuz you confine to your house rules, but everytime you use me as an excuse to break your house rules.
you don't mind tainting me just to make sure u stay on your parent's good side.
you don't mind lashing out on kim til she cries when she isn't at fault, just cuz u lost ur temper.

don't show up in front of me anymore.
i cannot be with someone who is able to bring out the side of me yesterday.
even if you beg and promise 10 000 times you won't do it again, the answer's still the same.

Family

All children disappoint their parents.

We often say "We do not get to choose who our parents are"
but in fact, they do not get to choose who their children will be.

Some parents don't give a fuck.
Most parents just want the best for us.

Some parents can't wait for us to leave the house
Most parents just want to cage us forever.

We are never perfect and never will be.
So forget the Stepford family that you are trying to portray.
We all have skeletons in our closet.
and we just want you to love us, skeletons beers smokes and all.

Sometimes we rebel.
Most of the times, we compromise and wait for the storm to be over.
Most of the times, we can't wait to get out of the house to be with our friends or girl friends or boy friends.
Most of us treat home like a hotel.

but that doesn't mean we don't love our parents.
but sometimes, we do push their patience and test their unconditional love for us.

that's what children do.

there comes a breaking point where a child turns 18 or 21 and become mature.
but not all parents change the way they talk or treat their grown up child when that happens.
to them, we are still their baby in diapers.

there comes another point where that child will force out of their cage.
some doesn't.

I love my dad very much. sometimes i feel the urge to keep him at my side at all times.
i feel the urge to control him. and his life.
most of all, i feel the urge to sort his life in order and make him happy.
i even told people I want to marry him. what the fuck right.
but i don't.

because I know that for the man that he is, he is capable of living his own life to his satisfaction.
I am grateful for he feels the same for me ( i think)


sometimes.. we just gotta have faith in our parents' or children's capability to go on without us.
it may even be unsettling to know that they probably get on happier without us.
but it is a price that only unconditional love can pay.

if you have been caging someone for long, he will break out soon and never come back.
learn to let go.. and you'll find that he will come back to you.

who am i to teach you... when i have no mother. and my father is all i have.
well, its heartwrenching to see lovey dovey families. i never had that.
its even more painful to see normal families arguing. i never had that.

just don't want you to lose what you have. that's all there is.

bridge over troubled water

"When ur weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

What is there to say when all that I am thinking
is gushing through the spaces between my cells like torrents of brown muddy water.
how do I filter and distill them into water in order to explain to you.

I know you are hurting. so am I too.

"When ur down and out,
When ur on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

All that I can see when I look at you is the hurt I put upon you.
causing you to recoil in defense.
Am I that scary.

The problem with us is that there is no problem at all.
but there is still something that can't be fixed.
what is it.

i caused all the catastrophe, underestimating my own feelings for you.
and now all the collateral damage is on us.
We are still healing.
yet somehow I opened some new wounds again.

paging.. paging for Haze Long.. if you are Haze Long.. please come to the counter.

Drain. the veins from my head.
Clean out the reds in my eyes.
to get by this life.

I complain, for the company that I keep.
but who's laughing now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll walk through the maze with a little less stumble.

Fool. the batteries that I keep.
Inject some calories into my skin.
to get some color back.

I cry, for the lack of time that I have.
but who's consoling now.
I'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll reach out to the dreams.

Chill. the bacardi in the hourglass.
Lock the awards away in the X-ray machine.
to prepare for the postponed celebration.

I screamed, at all the running success.
but who's understanding.
i'm back here again.

if my life clears up. damn.
i'll make my efforts become the success that I want.


" Haze Long is busy and cannot come to the counter at the moment, please leave a message"