"To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart."

i'll have the lyrics romanized and translated.
hmm.. why do i always go thru so much measures for things i like? boasting.. hehe

사랑합니다
saranghamnida
by TIM

나빠요 참 그대란
사람 허락도 없이 왜 내
맘 가져요

그대때문에 난 힘겹게
살고만 있는데 그댄 모르잖아요

알아요 나는 아니란걸
눈길 줄만큼 보잘것 없단걸

다만 가끔씩 그저 그 미소
여기 내게도 나눠줄수
없나요   

비록 사랑은 아니라도언젠간
한번쯤은 돌아봐주겠죠  

한없이 뒤에서
기다리면 오늘도
차마 못한 가슴속 한마디  

그댈 사랑합니다

어제도 책상에 엎드려  
그댈 그리다 잠들었나봐요

눈을 떠보니 눈물에
녹아 흩어져있던  
시린 그대 이름과  




헛된 바램뿐인 낙서만
이젠 너무나도 내겐
익숙한

그대 뒷모습을 바라보며


흐르는 눈물처럼 소리없는
그 말  

그댈 사랑합니다...

 

my exams is next week.. and this weekend i m going to um.. sungai limbong..pahang.. i think. with my dad.. how to study ne?
well.. who cares?

anyway.. i m on good terms with him again. though he seldom call nowadays.. i don't mind. after all, i can't possibly expect him to splurge so much everyday.. and i m sorry too cuz i m financially broke..

looking on the bright side.. this might do us good.. well.. if he calls me too often.. it might not be as special..right?
but i can't help hoping. so i m saving as much as i can so that i can call him using public phone in school.. eventhough just for few minutes.. hearing his voice made me more willed to study harder in class and do better.

i wonder if i have the same effect on him..

he had a habit of calling me late into the night.. which i have nothing to complain about but just that when i was sleeping..and i picked up, i tend to say things without them going thru my brain.. and as i always wanted to call him lao gong. i din dare to when i was fully awake and sober. but when he call me when i was sleeping.. i m always lao gong.. lao gong.. aiyo... and i tend to be more emotional and less casual.. i wonder if its a good thing..

hehe.. maybe he realize and its the reason why he call me late at night?


i found out who sang I LOVE YOU.. i manage to contact that person who sent me the song.. and i was told that it was sung by Tim... i m going to search for it right now. hope i can get the translated lyrics.

so far.. i know it is romanized as 'Saranghamnida'

oh god. i MUST find the lyrics.

i m never this upset.. why is feelings getting more n more intense for me??.. upset..anger.. whatever..

guess i m going to cry myself to sleep tonight again...but who cares?.. i mean.. who will care.

i felt like stealing my passport.. take a plane to japan.. go eat sushi..play piano..go to california.. eat the steaks.. then go to singapore.. stripped myself naked in front of him and stab myself to death right on that spot.

yea. i m insane.

i dunno what have gotten into me.. the first half of today i was fine. perfectly fine. but just now i was screaming n crying n bawling in my room.. crying so hard n loud i bet everyone heard.

i m so frustrated that i have thoughts of ending my life. i wanna stab myself to death. i dunno why i m so frus.


i browse thru my hp phone book for people to call and talk to.. but i realize i had no one.. no one but him.

i was surprised myself at how serious i m taking this matter.. i really feel so tortured n pressured that i feel like ending everything with a stab.

n i got the answer.. i didn't even realize it. i m taking this seriously because ihe is more important to me than last time.

no matter how hard i try..or vry..w hatever i can't change anything. it just keep happening over over again...does it.

althought i was vvv tempted to hurt myself.. with knives..punches.. i didn't/ cuz i know that will make me more a fool than the fool i m already m now. besides..my friends will certainly hate me if i do that..

i feel so trapped. i can't die. i can't live. i can't be happy i can't be sad. i can't be the way i wanted to be. i can't be artificial. i just have to please every single damn person i know. i had to smile for them.. cry for them..give them the reaction they wanted. make them happy. well. i M A BLOODY FOOL.


why m i so unstable.?? why m i so easily depressed n cry so easily?

its just getting so so hard for me to care for him. sometimes i felt like cutting off eveyrthing, placing my hopes on paris n on paris alone. i don't have to live up to any more expectations of him or of myself.. and all i gotta do is stay faithful n love him til that day comes. and don't have to worry whether i said something wrong..did something wrong.. hell its difficult.

it seems that everything i do is never enough.. like he put it, its my efforts wasted. but i have never felt that way cuz i was willing to do anything for him..

i know i might not be tall enough.. or pretty enough..or clever enough... but its stuff i can never change.


and i don't know why he wanna diet or starve himself.. maybe he did that to buy the phone cards.. or like he said, he wanna be good for me.. i have long ago accepted him for the way he is.. and though i m apprecitive for what he's doing..i can't help feeling guilty.. for making him think like that.

oh well.. good days will always come to an end. like last time.. during the period of time where we explore our digital self almost everyday.. and got so much more closer... hell came. or rather. that bitch came.

and now.. when we are calling each other.. phone cards... hell came again.. but this time.. i wonder who's wrong. it cannot be said that its his fault..nor it is mine. but one thing's for sure.. there will be no more emails/calls/or even sms from him..


i dunno.. but just now i was suddenly so afraid.. so afraid that he might ignore me like how he did for that one month. i don't think i can bear the pain this time. and though he told me he wanted me to hold him back.. i kept asking myself...HOW? saying i love you won't solve anything. telling him not to leave me?.. i have told him that millions of times before.

but what can i do? if this is the first time he's ignoring me..i might still go thru all means to get him to talk to me again... but after that one month which i was treated like a fool.. i emailed, sms, called, and i BELIEVED him when he said he ran away, i still tried when i saw his website. but.. its only when i wanted to give up, then he came back.

now.. i really don't wanna go thru all that again. its not that i m tired... but it can really hurt me emotionally to be ignored n rejected again and again. so how can i hold him back?


and btw.. that night.. i wasn't actually upset with him.. i just felt so tired n sick n unwell that i don't feel like hearing bout his stalker...i just wanted some sleep and i planned to call him the next morning.. but i don't know why it turned out to be like this.

well.. fair enough. i ignored him at first. so now he's ignoring me again. i m so tired.. so so tired of playing games.. games that i will lose.. and when its game over, someone tell me they made a mistake and i actually won.

expectations.. i have high expectations of myself... i never expect humans to be willingly faithful..but they will be faithful if they are overwhelmed by love... i have been trying all means to overwhelm him with love so that he will be faithful...

i know.. i should love him and ignore my own emotions.. but right now.. i just can't ignore it.. yea..i have always been a selfish person.. i care for my feelings.

.. maybe its the way we are brought up... i m brought up with a moral education of 16 values and 64 subvalues... friendly being one of them. when i enter a room full of strangers..somehow the one next to me will start a conversation with me.. or the other way round.. when i fall down, strangers will help me up. when i cry when i was young.. people will help me. .. and .. that makes me wanna talk to others in a room, help others in need..

the malaysian syllabus put it this way... friendliness ..[definition] .. never shut yourself out of the society. have to socialize without putting a thought bout the differences in sex, religions and races.

while..in singapore.. i m not aware at what happened there..


...it was just a joke. but i guess it went too far.. seth was just my favourite name.. .. ..i had no idea it will go this far..


i m upset.. n now i have negative thoughts.. bout everything thats going on.. .. but how can i say?

..well..conclusion is i m a slow person.. when something happens.. something that will upset me.. i will be numb during the happening... and still react normally.. but after 5 seconds, the impact start hitting me like knives stabbing my heart. which is why i seldom give a satisfactory reaction.. this include hurt and jealousy. only feeling that hits me right on everytime is anger.

and when i finally register the feelings in me, the frequency of it happening would have made me numb enough to keep quiet.

.. i don't know why m i angry.. i mean.. this has happened many times before in the past.. i should have gotten used to it and realize the ending is still the same.
..well.. maybe it is the many times thats making me upset.. how many times must this happen??.. ..why can't it be stopped?


.... i don't know.. i really don't know.. i even asked him.. why would he wanna do that. he wanted to see my reaction, he said. ... izzit really that important to see my reaction?. is there such a need...

at that time.. i just laughed it off.. but.. i was actually so so hurt.... not by him.. but by my own disability to let him know how much i really love him..let him know theres really no need for him to doubt me..

i dunno what change me.. but things that happen that i m supposed to blame him, i m blaming myself for it. blaming myself for not being good enough, for making him make such decisions.. making him tired of everything, making him upset..and most of all, for making him wanna give up on me at times.

but i really wonder what do i still need to do.. irony is.what CAN i do?.. the distance in between us is big enough a border. if he's around, i might tag on to him all day long... make him happy.. but he's not. and what else can i do other than emailing him, icq him.. sms him..phone him.. and just be faithful.

but even being faithful is a problem. cuz faithful have different definitions for him n for me. for me, he can talk to girls.. he can go out with them.. as long as he is not going out alone with one of them...as in pair. and of course.. he must not 2 time me.. or lie to me bout them..

and.. because of how i think, i thought that what i want is what he want. i talk to guys, i go out with them in groups.. of course the girls are more in quantity everytime. i never 2 time him..or lie to him bout them.
but.. i was wrong.. it wasn't what he wanted. at all.

his defintion of faithful is.. not talking to guys, not going out with them either in groups or alone, cannot 2 time, cannot talk bout them. actually the last one isn't such a need, but i feel it is important cuz when i do that, it will hurt him lots.

so.. of course..he thought what he want is what i want. he din talk to girls..or go out with them.. din 2 time me.. ..he din talk bout them..


so ok.. i was ready to compromise.. he don't have to change a thing.. i'll do the changing. i stopped talking to guys. din go out with them.. and try my best not to talk bout them. sometimes casual conversations like lending stuffs.. group dicussions.. hellos.. byes.. i even felt compelled to lie to him that nothinbg happen so that i won't hurt him. but i didn't... i just kept quiet and say nothing..but if he ask, i m honest.. n he will get the impression that i hide things from him..


..i really don't know what to do anymore ..i really don't. ...he's not the only one who wanna give up on us.. i do too. but i will never tell him that cuz i know it hurts if i say so... i knew cuz he said it to me. it really hurts real bad.


....i still remember.. the many times when i was upset.. i called him to hear him say sorry to me.. but when he was upset.. i was also the one calling him to say sorry..

now its happening again, i m upset. he had no idea why i m upset. he is tired of all these. i m also tired of everything. he don't feel like making the first move. i m also feeling the same way. both of us thinking of letting go. but deep down, we just knew we be back together..and couldn't be bothered bout what's happening now during the period of apologizing.


enough le.. enough of my negative comments.



want something positive?



although i m not sure this time who will end up apologizing.. but i m 99.2% sure that he is thinking of me now.


i sure sounded confident. but i m also hoping la. :p