haze

i dunno what have gotten into me.. the first half of today i was fine. perfectly fine. but just now i was screaming n crying n bawling in my room.. crying so hard n loud i bet everyone heard.

i m so frustrated that i have thoughts of ending my life. i wanna stab myself to death. i dunno why i m so frus.


i browse thru my hp phone book for people to call and talk to.. but i realize i had no one.. no one but him.

i was surprised myself at how serious i m taking this matter.. i really feel so tortured n pressured that i feel like ending everything with a stab.

n i got the answer.. i didn't even realize it. i m taking this seriously because ihe is more important to me than last time.

no matter how hard i try..or vry..w hatever i can't change anything. it just keep happening over over again...does it.

althought i was vvv tempted to hurt myself.. with knives..punches.. i didn't/ cuz i know that will make me more a fool than the fool i m already m now. besides..my friends will certainly hate me if i do that..

i feel so trapped. i can't die. i can't live. i can't be happy i can't be sad. i can't be the way i wanted to be. i can't be artificial. i just have to please every single damn person i know. i had to smile for them.. cry for them..give them the reaction they wanted. make them happy. well. i M A BLOODY FOOL.


why m i so unstable.?? why m i so easily depressed n cry so easily?

its just getting so so hard for me to care for him. sometimes i felt like cutting off eveyrthing, placing my hopes on paris n on paris alone. i don't have to live up to any more expectations of him or of myself.. and all i gotta do is stay faithful n love him til that day comes. and don't have to worry whether i said something wrong..did something wrong.. hell its difficult.

it seems that everything i do is never enough.. like he put it, its my efforts wasted. but i have never felt that way cuz i was willing to do anything for him..

i know i might not be tall enough.. or pretty enough..or clever enough... but its stuff i can never change.


and i don't know why he wanna diet or starve himself.. maybe he did that to buy the phone cards.. or like he said, he wanna be good for me.. i have long ago accepted him for the way he is.. and though i m apprecitive for what he's doing..i can't help feeling guilty.. for making him think like that.

oh well.. good days will always come to an end. like last time.. during the period of time where we explore our digital self almost everyday.. and got so much more closer... hell came. or rather. that bitch came.

and now.. when we are calling each other.. phone cards... hell came again.. but this time.. i wonder who's wrong. it cannot be said that its his fault..nor it is mine. but one thing's for sure.. there will be no more emails/calls/or even sms from him..


i dunno.. but just now i was suddenly so afraid.. so afraid that he might ignore me like how he did for that one month. i don't think i can bear the pain this time. and though he told me he wanted me to hold him back.. i kept asking myself...HOW? saying i love you won't solve anything. telling him not to leave me?.. i have told him that millions of times before.

but what can i do? if this is the first time he's ignoring me..i might still go thru all means to get him to talk to me again... but after that one month which i was treated like a fool.. i emailed, sms, called, and i BELIEVED him when he said he ran away, i still tried when i saw his website. but.. its only when i wanted to give up, then he came back.

now.. i really don't wanna go thru all that again. its not that i m tired... but it can really hurt me emotionally to be ignored n rejected again and again. so how can i hold him back?


and btw.. that night.. i wasn't actually upset with him.. i just felt so tired n sick n unwell that i don't feel like hearing bout his stalker...i just wanted some sleep and i planned to call him the next morning.. but i don't know why it turned out to be like this.

well.. fair enough. i ignored him at first. so now he's ignoring me again. i m so tired.. so so tired of playing games.. games that i will lose.. and when its game over, someone tell me they made a mistake and i actually won.