i woke up this morning..thought i should comb my hair.. i went into the toilet... and realized that i have broke the mirror the day before. and all the other mirrors in my room. can't bear the sight of my face and the memories that come with it.

i walked back home just now...shaking with fear... up the hills.. dark and quiet. before that i attempted some calls to him n my dad.
both didn't pick up. whose there for me when i needed someone?

...feeling tired and sad at the moment....

he's on. free for chat.

yesterday night he said something which hits me right on... " all the bad things are pointed at me, my family did that.. my friends and you. nvm.. its ok. i got used to it anyway"


i felt like a bitch. and i m probably one anyway. for saying all these crap in this blog. it gives me great discomfort even when i read back what i typed. and i always have the urge to delete all of them. so that i won't hurt him.

... but is there such a need?



.... - VE.
-ve....- - - - - -..lord teach me how to love this man without hurting him.

CAGE OF LOVE
i really can't take it.. i really need to let everything out.. its better saying everything out here than to lose my temper on him

i suddenly thought of the past...and it really made me upset.
...seems to me that everything is just an illusion thats all..
these past few days.. i didn't dare to go online.. because i wasn't ready to face him yet.

sometimes... i really wanna talk to him.. but when i call him.. i have nothing to say.. and i remember vv well what happened when i tried to start a new topic with him. ... makes me more depressed.

there is just one thing i really need to know the truth.. but i m also afraid of finding that out.
because i really don't understand.... why must he still talk to her.. let her sit beside him ...lend her stuff... his digicam.. when she is the one who spread my photos around..
doesn't he care?? ... m i that invisible??... sometimes i wonder if its worth it for me to lose so much because of him..
i wonder if he loves me..

unless..the truth is she didn't did it. if she didn't..then of course its him.

i don't wanna find out.. i really don't wanna find out.
i really wonder if he loves me.

i lost so much for him.. and i remember vvv well that not only did he not support me, he suspect that i like kiaki. what a way to stand up for your gf in bad times.
and he did nothing.. in times that i needed him most.


i really wonder if he loves me.
all he know what to think is whether i will leave him for another guy.. whether i two time him onot..
he was the one FREE FOR CHAT that day.. and he said that i m free for chat.


i can't stand it anymore!!!!! i felt like hurting him back.. getting back at him...
everytime we talk on the phone, he kept hinting that i m talking to guys..that i have other guys behind his back.
why can't he just think of himself first?? he and his girl-friends.


it really hurts alot!!!!! ... I can't talk to my friends... and i can't tell him either... and its even wrong to type it here... i wonder what can i really do in this cage of love.
who can i turn to???....

all these while...evon kept thinking of what a good bf he is to me.. because of the way i talk bout him.. and she kept having the impression that i don't love him at all.... but i really do.. i really do...
i just wish he stop hinting to me that i m flirty .... and for god sake, kill that bitch.

if i go sg and see him talking to her.. i SWEAR i will stab her to death.. I SWEAR.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i m still upset. i haven't calm down yet...


25082003 MONDAY

+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve I M GOING CRAZY

today.. i look at my fingernails.. long and white, and i thought "i will crop them off, it is time i return to my piano"



i see my stiff fingers dancing with effort across the keys..and i was thoroughly disappointed.
m i never good at what i love?


i tear out a piece of art canvas, and watch the pencil in my hand move timidly. unconfident strokes came upon the paper. a disfigured visage of a lady stare back at me with eyes too big for a face too small.
i was disappointed.
m i never good at what i love?


i turned on the radio.. and chose my favourite piano solo which used to make the tears well up in my eyes. as the music unroll.. i felt nothing but distaste for the music i had once love so much.
m i tired with what i love?


as the minutes pass like a boat on 1 knots.. the house slowly silence itself..and emotions took over me in my loneliness... i suddenly recall the spirit of my old self. i recall how to sit patiently by the piano, listening to my hideous attempts to perfection to the praises i will receive. i also recall how i used to see my father turn up his nose at the sight of my portraits to the confidence that i didn't lose til today when people crowd around me to see my deft strokes.
i remembered how the piano solo was the only thing in this world that has given me emotions, emotions that i thought will never be greater.


then i weep to myself and ask, "what happened to me?"


i fell in love. that's what happened.

phew...so tired.. in my school IT Lab now.. didn't have a good night sleep yesterday..kept dreaming of something that i can't remember..why can't i remember my dreams like he does?

wilson's bday party's photos came out...but i din' see... i dunno... afraid of my own ugly face...

i have nothing to do right now...so bored... went to his old website..downloaded the zip file..wonder what izzit.

i canceled liao.. no use seeing something that will probably spoil my day.. so its better i dun download.. idunno why i m afraid everytime i go to his website..maybe becuase of the past events..i wonder if he feelthe same bout mine too..

"say goodbye"


In the years to come, will you think about these moments that we shared,
In the years to come, are you gonna think over, and how we lived each day with no regrets,
nothing lasts forever though we want it to, the road ahead holds different dreams for me and you.

chorus

Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.


In a year from now maybe there'll be things we wished we'd never said,
in a year from now maybe we'll see eachother, standing on the same street corner no regrets,
each and every end is always writen in the stars, if only I could stop the world


Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.

And when you need my arms to run into, i'll come for you,
nothing will ever change the way I feel.


Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.....

first of all..i would like to apologise to my boyfriend for surfing the net when i m sick. i felt terrible.. but i m bored out of my life. i m sorry darling..

ok.. topic for today... IN BETWEEN OF ALL AND NOTHINGNESS

if i can choose.. i would either choose all.. if i can't have all i would rather have nothing at all.. but right now.. i m in between of them.. i can't have all of him..but i can't let go and have nothing too.

just now i called and i can barely concentrate..but enough to realize there were no dears or lao pors... nor were there i love yous.. somehow i didn't mind cuz it was somewhat understood between us that we love each other.. (though a little bit disappointed :)
i find it harder to say i love you to him as each day passes by cuz i love him more n more deeply.. and everytime i say it.. i m on the verge of tears.. i read that guys hate girls who cried... and i m trying vvvvv hard not to. sometimes when i do, i pretend that i m not.. but that's hard.


and after that..my dad called. he told me to take care... but all i could remember is jingxiang telling me to take good care of myself. m i guilty?..hehe...

i dunno whether izzit i m influenced by him or izzit bout my love for him.. but i started to believe that we will be together for the rest of our lives. and i m so afraid of the million things that could go wrong for us.. i started to appreciate him more.. spending time with him as often as i could.. i dunno why..

the distance between us did some good.. at least when we really have each other next time.. we will be grateful and will not take each other for granted..and appreciate each other more.

but it also had it cons.. jealousy.. even i m affected by it... i was invincible in the first year we are together.. but recently i m vvv affected by girls in his life..

and there's something which i realized out of the blue recently... i always listened to the dreams he told me...so that i will know what he expect of us in the future..and of his impression towards me..
i feel vvv guilty cuz i didn't realize it earlier...me and my thick skin.. he didn't know bout it.and i m not planning to let him know.. i m not going to make him feel insecure ever again.

so that means i can't write bout it here.. hmmm....

i mean.. not that i m going to hide anything from him.. just that i will MURDER my social life...hehe.. so that i will have nothing to tell him..or hide from him..

gosh.. i didn't know typing can be such a burden tiring job.. can barely lift my hand.

i got back my eye disease anyway...the one i had last year... can't see nothing in my right eye.. blind. and i dunno why i m taking this so lightly..hehe.... cuz i know the fever and the stress causes it.

i m going to studee now.. i hope i can pass some of my hardworkingness to him..hehe.. then he'll be the best in his class... he's actually kinda intelligent.. i wonder why he wanted to waste it.. he could have turn everythign 360 degrees if he wanted to.. well... he already turned me around. :p

A LOVE I WILL NEVER FORGET cecilia cheung.

if i lost my memories, then would you please relive the times we broke up, the things that happened.
and tell me whether did i cry..did i fall down and hurt myself.

if i can't remember the bright and lively loving times we had, please tell me what did i do to you before.

the most hateful, the most loving..the most intimate moment.. all forgotten..but one thing i will never forget, that is YOU.
cuz my whole life is not worth remembering if i did not fall in love with you
if i really did get infatuated with you once, how can i ever forget you?
even if i have to be afraid and worry all my life... i will still love you.

if i really lost my memories, please remind me all over again of your flaws.. the mistakes i made, at least that will remind me of the pain i have been thru.

i wanna remember all of it, the happiness we been thru.
please tell me the days you made me smile n laugh.
the most hateful, the most intimate love..all forgotten but i still won't forget you.
eventhough its hurting, i still wanna remember you. i won't regret knowing you.
its the infatuation that i once had. i can't forget you..i can't. no matter what happened. i won't forget you..

joey yung's "xi guan shi lian" ..USED to BREAK UP.

..not holding your hand .. maybe i'll feel a little bit warmer.
once i hold your hand, doesn't mean the suffering will be less.
its too fast.. i haven't even enjoy the happiness, now i m already heartbroken.

i can't remember how warm is the love you gave me.
i can't think it thru.. i don't have the rights to make you softhearted.
but i know how sour my heart feels right now.

you thought that its my wrong..my fault last time that made you leave me, without even looking back at me.
why do you have to judge me so quickly..until our ending have to be like this??

i know i m not a good person, the only moment of my pride is when i m in love.
when i look back at the past, i can only question myself helplessly.
m i really that hateful that you have to hate me so much?

i know my tears will not touch you.
i only know how to hurt you.. why..why must i stay close to you?

you are not lonely.. maybe i m just a fool.
m i really not good enough..? or izzit because i don't know how to give you passionate kisses?
its enough to make you get fed up with me, can't give you happiness.

i m not worried, just feeling my heart getting bitter n sour.
i m only worried i will finally understand myself..understand the hopeless that i m.
i m afraid that next time i will soon get used to breaking up.

i m more afraid i will find out that we were never that close.
i m not attractive enough, you did not reject me hard enough.

did this love story ever exist onot?
why must i take all the blame when my heart is shattering and breaking?
can i still hold you back?
will i finally understand in my weariness.. understand how to love you?
loving someone is difficult..but i m willing to learn.
i m sure i can go on loving.

love me.. and i'll love you.

FOR A RADIANT STAR

TREYA HAD DECIDED TO DIE. There was no medical reason for her to die at this point. With medication and modest supports, her doctors felt she could live another several months at least, albeit in a hospital, and yes, then she would die. But Treya had made up her mind. She was not going to die like that, in a hospital, with tubes coming out of her and continuous IV morphine drip and the inevitable pneumonia and slow suffocation-all the horrible images that had gone through my mind at Drachenfels. And I had the strangest feeling that, whatever else her reasons, Treya was going to spare all of us that ordeal. She would simply bypass all that, thank you very much, and die peacefully now. But whatever her reasons, I knew that once Treya had made up her mind, then it was done.

I put Treya in bed that evening, and sat down next to her. She had become almost ecstatic. "I'm going, I can't believe it, I'm going. I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I'm so happy." Like a mantra of final release, she kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm so happy. . . ."
Her entire countenance lit up. She glowed. And right in front of my eyes her body began to change. Within one hour, it looked to me as if she lost ten pounds. It was as if her body, acquiescing to her will, began to shrink and draw in on itself. She began to shut down her vital systems. she began to die. Within that hour, she was a different being, ready an_ willing to leave. She was very determined about this, and she Was very happy. Her ecstatic response was infectious, and I found myself sharing in her joy, much to my confusion.
Then, rather abruptly, she said, "But I don't want to leave you. I love you so much. I can't leave you. I love you so much." She began crying, sobbing, and I began crying, sobbing, as well. I felt like I was crying all the tears of the past five years, deep tears I had held back in order to be strong for Treya. We talked at length of our love for each other, a love that had made both of us-it sounds corny-a love that had made both of us stronger, and better, and wiser. Decades of growth had gone into our care for each other, and now, faced with the conclusion of it all, we were both overwhelmed. It sounds so dry, but it was the tenderest moment I have ever known, with the only person with whom I could ever have known it.
"Honey, if it's time to go, then it's time to go. Don't worry, I'll find you. I found you before, I promise I'll find you again. So if you want to go, don't worry. Just go."
"You promise you'll find me?" "I promise."
I should explain that, during the last two weeks, Treya had almost ob
sessively been going over what I had said to her on the way to our wedding ceremony, five years earlier. I had whispered in her ear: "Where have you been? I've been searching for you for lifetimes. I finally found you. I had to slay dragons to find you, you know. And if anything happens, 1 will find you again." She looked profoundly at peace. "You promise?
I promise."
I have no conscious idea why I said that; I was simply stating, for reason I did not understand, exactly how I felt about our relationship. And it was to this exchange that Treya returned home an again during the last weeks. It seemed to give her a tremendous sense of safety. The world was OK if kept my promise.

And so she said, at that point, "You promise you'll find me?"
"I promise."

"Forever and forever?" "Forever and forever." "Then I can go, I can't believe it, I'm so happy. This has been much harder than I ever thought. It's been so hard. Honey, it's been so hard." "I know, sweetheart, I know." "But now I can go. I'm so happy. I love you so much, I'm so happy."
That night I slept on the acupuncture table in her room. It seems to me that I dreamt of a great luminous cloud of white light, hovering over the house, like the light of a thousand suns blazing on a snowcapped mountain. I say "it seems to me," because now I'm not sure whether it was a dream or not.

When I looked at her early the next morning (Sunday), she had just awoken. Her eyes were clear, she was very alert, and she was very deter mined: "I'm going. I'm so happy. You'll be there?"
"I'll be there, kid, Let's do it. Let's go."
I called the family. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was
something like, please come as soon as you can. I called Warren, the dear friend who had been helping Treya with acupuncture for the last few months. Again, I don't remember what I said. But I think that my tone said, It's dying time.
The family began arriving fairly early that day, and each member had a chance to have a last open talk with Treya. What I remember most was her saying how much she loved her family; how incredibly fortunate she felt to have each of them; how they were the best family anyone could Want. It was as if Treya were determined to "come clean" with every single family member; she was going to burn as clean as ashes, with no unspoken lines left in her body, with no guilt and no blame. As far as I can tell, she succeeded.
We put her to bed that night-Sunday night-and again I slept on her acupuncture table so I could be there if anything happened. Something extraordinary seemed to be going on in that house, and we all knew it.


About 3:30 that morning, Treya awoke abruptly. The atmosphere was almost hallucinogenic. I awoke immediately, and asked how she was. "Is it morphine time?" she said with a smile. In her entire ordeal with cancer, except for surgery, Treya had taken a sum total of four morphine tablets. "Sure, sweetie, whatever you want." I gave her a morphine tablet and a mild sleeping pill, and we had our last conversation.

"Sweetie, I think it's time to go," she began. "I'm here, honey."

"I'm so happy." Long pause. "This world is so weird. It's just so weird. But I'm going." Her mood was one of joy, and humor, and determination.
I began repeating several of the "pith phrases" from the religious traditions that she considered so important, phrases that she had wanted me to remind her of right up to the end, phrases she had carried with her on her flash cards.
"Relax with the presence of what is," I began. "Allow the self to uncoil in the vast expanse of all space. Your own primordial mind is unborn and undying; it was not born with this body and it will not die with this body. Recognize your own mind as eternally one with Spirit."
Her face relaxed, and she looked at me very clearly and directly. "You'll find me?"

"I promise."
"Then it's time to go."
There was a very long pause, and the room seemed to me to become entirely luminous, which was strange, given how utterly dark it was. It was the most sacred moment, the most direct moment, the simplest moment I have ever known. The most obvious. The most perfectly obvious. I had never seen anything like this in my life. I did not know what to do. I was simply present for Treya.
She moved toward me, trying to gesture, trying to say something, something she wanted me to understand, the last thing she told me. "You're the greatest man I've ever known," she whispered. "You're the greatest man I've ever known. My champion. . ." She kept repeating it: "My champion." I leaned forward to tell her that she was the only really enlightened person I had ever known. That enlightenment made sense to me because of her. That universe. That God existed because of her. All these things went through my mind. All these things 1 wanted to say. 1 knew she was aware how 1 felt, but my throat had closed in on itself; 1 couldn't speak; 1 wasn't crying, 1 just couldn't speak. 1 croaked out only, "I'll find you, honey, 1 will. . . ."
Treya closed her eyes, and for all purposes, she never opened them again.
My heart broke. Da Free John's phrase kept running through my mind: "Practice the wound of love. . . practice the wound of love." Real love hurts; real love makes you totally vulnerable and open; real love will take you far beyond yourself; and therefore real love will devastate you. 1 kept thinking, iflove does not shatter you, you do not know love. We had both been practicing the wound of love, and 1 was shattered. Looking back on it, it seems to me that in that simple and direct moment, we both died.. . .

Aloha, and Godspeed, my dearest Treya. 1 will always, already, find you. "You promise?" she whispered yet again to me.
"I promise, my dearest Treya."
1 promise.

THE HONEST ME

..how m i going to start. .. i just did something vv wrong. again.

..and i m feeling... stoned. i wonder what's wrong with me. i really wonder whats wrong with me.

i m so frustrated at myself.. i need to talk to someone right now but there was no one. so all i could do is to blog. and i really don't wanna tell it to others.. i dun need them to think that i m asking for pity or sympathy...or trying to prove i m innocent. i m guilty i know it and i can't help it.


even writing this now seems wrong to me.

i have been trying so hard..so so hard..to change myself into a better person. and everytime i tried too hard.. all i get was..." u r so fake".

i m aware that i m not a good person....i m trying my best..my vv best. but i just can't able to change myself. keeping quiet is wrong.. laughing is wrong...talking is wrong..joking is wrong.. what m i really supposed to do??

should i say sorry everytime i made a mistake? what for? saying sorry is only to make the person who is wrong less guilty. and if everything could be cured by a single word, 'sorry'.. i might as well not change.
but... other than apologizing... what can i really do??.. what?..

should i cry?.. and make others think that i m making them sympathise me?..and make others think that no matter how much i cry..i m not innocent.

should i say it out to others?.. what if the more i said.. the more faults i make?

or should i stop everything? and just be alone?.. this way no one gets hurt. but that would mean running away.


i really felt like talking to him at the moment.. moment like this when i needed him the most..


.. i felt like shit. i really do. why must this always happen??..why??.. why can't i change myself??.. i tried so hard....and all i did was to hurt people all the time. people who meant alot to me.

i m so useless..i felt useless. i can do nothing but watch myself hurt people who are important to me.

...and the thing that frustrated me the most is i didn't felt anything right now. not hurt..not guilty..not upset..not anything. i wonder if i m cold blooded. maybe i m.


...why izzit when i tried too hard..and i'll screw up..and when they hurt me back, i get too guilty of my mistakes in the past that i don't bother to tell them that they did in fact hurt me .. so that they won't be hurt like the way i hurt them?


why do i keep quiet at the wrong times..and laugh at the wrong times?

i m so sick of myself.. i really m. ...


...i tried harder n harder each time and that happens is i hurt them more n more. and what improves??
it got worse cuz last time i wasn't even aware of what's happening until a long time later..but now.. i m aware of it SECONDS after it happen..or during when its happening. but seconds still count. it is too late for me to do anything.


what m i supposed to do?? what else can i do? i can't apologize..nor talk..nor keep quiet.. what m i??
when i smile.. they say i m fake...when i laugh..they said i shouldn't laugh..

i felt so selfish.. i can't even change... i can't even change.

wa....vv tired orh.. wanna sleep..zzzzzzZZZZZ

yesterday i did something funny.. i was asleep and the phone rang.. it must be him..so i picked up.. but there was just the dial tone.
moments later..the phone rang again..i picked up and said, hallo, lao gong ar?
and then.. huh???

wrong person. its not him..so malu.. embarrassing..hehe.. the effect of missing someone too much...

my marks all drop..so far its all lower than my previous tests... so disappointing...


miss you darling..

...can we judge someone by their past?
.........i can't accept it.. i dunno why..
i hope i won't mind.

yesterday night.. he was late ..again. maybe i was too frustrated bout it.. .. as minute by minute passed by... i grew more n more upset.. when he finally called.. i was not calm.. and i just told him i m tired.. and i m sleepy.. he hung up disappointedly..
when he hung up. guilt and loneliness swept over me.. it suddenly seemed so quiet without his soothing voice.. i cried myself to sleep wondering why was i so cruel to him and wondering whether he feel the same way too.

i just felt that i m not important to him... ... and that hurts really bad..


today.. i was planning to go home..and rush down to send the letter..but i didn't. cuz the stupid kenny goh suddenly came to my class and announced that today got BM seminar.. compulsory... i hate him. he n his chubby cheeks.. fat arse. with his broken english i dunno how he can become the head of secondary.

so i stayed in school til round 6...i was studying chemistry when ting chen sat beside me... if i m not wrong he is 13 now.. i guess... his complexion is getting worse than ever.. i wonder what happened.. sunburnt or.. fire burnt??
and i saw jien chen too... so i assumed that yee chen must be coming later to fetch them..
its been half a year since i last saw him. and i really dun wanna see him.


later after that.. a car.. came.. and ting chen n jien chen got into the car.. i saw yee chen on the driver seat. the moment i laid eyes on him, it started happening again. the familiar feeling of nervousness... chemical reactions bubble up in my head.. .. the same feeling of overeacting.

i hate myself.. i really do. me n him.. we are nothing.. had nothing. started nothing. .. but dunno why the hell i still feel like that.. even though i love jingxiang deeper n deeper each day.. and i totally don't give a damn bout him anymore.. i dunno why its still like this...

when he drove away.. i kept thinking of the tarot cards i played at my cousin's house. i played for jingxiang.. and him.

there's 4 cards...1st card bout how i think.. and the card showed that he messed up my mind and my life..
the 2nd card bout the current situation...the card said that he will have a chance next time.. but .. chance to do what? to get me?..if that's true..that means one day i will leave jingxiang??
the 3rd card.. bout how he think.. he think that i turn his life upside down.. thats true.. cuz all these while he's been trying like mad to find out who i m.
the 4th card.. the most important one.. bout the ending we will have. its the BEST card in the set. .. meaning that me n him will live happily ever after.

that's so bullshit.

for jingxiang.. oh by the way..during the time i played the cards..me n him were having misunderstanding.
1st card...bout how i think.. the card told me to have more empathy, to put myself in his shoes and think whether wat i did was wrong onot.. its vv true btw.. i realized that soon enouhg.
2nd card.. the situation at that time.. telling both of us to cool things off and think whether are we really suitable for each other onot.
3rd card.. how he think.. its a STAR card.. stars..what he like.. hmm..what a coincidence..eventhough long time liao.. i still remember..hehe.. anyway. it said that he thought that i m perfect?.. that time we haven't meet yet.. and i m his dream girl all those stuff..
4th card.. the ending.

its a JUDGEMENT card. that means everything lies in the two of us. if one of us decides to let go, then its over. and it also said that one day we will break up... but will be together again, it is only then we finally knew what is love. it also reminded that everything lies in our decision.


its so true. cuz months later.. after we met. he ignored me.. counted as break up. when we got back together.. we are much more loving..and we appreciate each other more. like now.



i still remember .. i put [ <>] in my icq details

the WORLD refer to the 4th card for yee chen.. . cuz i really wanna be with jingxiang..not yee chen.


and during the month he ignored me.. i played again. this time i only played for him. and... surprisingly... the result of the card overall said that eventhough things are over between me and him, we are still vv connected in out hearts. and still love each other.

after 2 weeks.. he smsed me. true huh?


but i wished its just a coincidence. .. cuz if its the truth.. what bout the one bout me being with yee chen??? i dun wanna be with yee chen.. i wanna be with him. only him.
i hope nothing happens. and besides.. yee chen will never like me.. and i m vv confident that jingxiang won't let me go.. um... hopefully??


... please..please..please..let me be with jingxiang.

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i went to watch heroic duo today.. at first i wasn't so keen on watching it but when i found out that karena lam is in it.. i kinda wanna watch it.. cuz she's such a good actress..

it was great.. especially the love story in it.
its about a hynotist who was a police officer.. he had a wife that loves him alot.. but he doesn't care bout her much. neglects her alot.. that one day a man was seducing her, she shoots him dead..and at the same time, he came back. she cried and said.."where were you when i needed you?..where were you?"

he took the blame ..and went for jail.

after he left.. she cried everyday... she cried too much until she became blind.

a few years later..an inspector went to see him because there was a case regarding hynotism.. another police offircer was hypnotised to open the safe box and burnt that safe box.

the story went on.. and on.. it had a strong story line..

i like the part where his wife was locked in the vacumn room with only one hour of oxygen. she was asleep.. because of the lack of oxygen.. he tried all his means to open the door to save her.. using a tank to bang the glass so that it will break.. even when he was shot twice.. he still try to open the door..

he finally opened the door.. he kept shaking her so that she will wake up.. kept asking her to wake up.. but he couldn't take it and he collapsed in her lap.. . she opened her eyes moment later and found him in her lap.. she kept asking him to wake up this time.. but he never did cuz he did thinking that she was dead.

a kinda like the modern romeo n juliet..

its vv nice.. highly recomendable.