haze

first of all..i would like to apologise to my boyfriend for surfing the net when i m sick. i felt terrible.. but i m bored out of my life. i m sorry darling..

ok.. topic for today... IN BETWEEN OF ALL AND NOTHINGNESS

if i can choose.. i would either choose all.. if i can't have all i would rather have nothing at all.. but right now.. i m in between of them.. i can't have all of him..but i can't let go and have nothing too.

just now i called and i can barely concentrate..but enough to realize there were no dears or lao pors... nor were there i love yous.. somehow i didn't mind cuz it was somewhat understood between us that we love each other.. (though a little bit disappointed :)
i find it harder to say i love you to him as each day passes by cuz i love him more n more deeply.. and everytime i say it.. i m on the verge of tears.. i read that guys hate girls who cried... and i m trying vvvvv hard not to. sometimes when i do, i pretend that i m not.. but that's hard.


and after that..my dad called. he told me to take care... but all i could remember is jingxiang telling me to take good care of myself. m i guilty?..hehe...

i dunno whether izzit i m influenced by him or izzit bout my love for him.. but i started to believe that we will be together for the rest of our lives. and i m so afraid of the million things that could go wrong for us.. i started to appreciate him more.. spending time with him as often as i could.. i dunno why..

the distance between us did some good.. at least when we really have each other next time.. we will be grateful and will not take each other for granted..and appreciate each other more.

but it also had it cons.. jealousy.. even i m affected by it... i was invincible in the first year we are together.. but recently i m vvv affected by girls in his life..

and there's something which i realized out of the blue recently... i always listened to the dreams he told me...so that i will know what he expect of us in the future..and of his impression towards me..
i feel vvv guilty cuz i didn't realize it earlier...me and my thick skin.. he didn't know bout it.and i m not planning to let him know.. i m not going to make him feel insecure ever again.

so that means i can't write bout it here.. hmmm....

i mean.. not that i m going to hide anything from him.. just that i will MURDER my social life...hehe.. so that i will have nothing to tell him..or hide from him..

gosh.. i didn't know typing can be such a burden tiring job.. can barely lift my hand.

i got back my eye disease anyway...the one i had last year... can't see nothing in my right eye.. blind. and i dunno why i m taking this so lightly..hehe.... cuz i know the fever and the stress causes it.

i m going to studee now.. i hope i can pass some of my hardworkingness to him..hehe.. then he'll be the best in his class... he's actually kinda intelligent.. i wonder why he wanted to waste it.. he could have turn everythign 360 degrees if he wanted to.. well... he already turned me around. :p