haze

yesterday night.. he was late ..again. maybe i was too frustrated bout it.. .. as minute by minute passed by... i grew more n more upset.. when he finally called.. i was not calm.. and i just told him i m tired.. and i m sleepy.. he hung up disappointedly..
when he hung up. guilt and loneliness swept over me.. it suddenly seemed so quiet without his soothing voice.. i cried myself to sleep wondering why was i so cruel to him and wondering whether he feel the same way too.

i just felt that i m not important to him... ... and that hurts really bad..


today.. i was planning to go home..and rush down to send the letter..but i didn't. cuz the stupid kenny goh suddenly came to my class and announced that today got BM seminar.. compulsory... i hate him. he n his chubby cheeks.. fat arse. with his broken english i dunno how he can become the head of secondary.

so i stayed in school til round 6...i was studying chemistry when ting chen sat beside me... if i m not wrong he is 13 now.. i guess... his complexion is getting worse than ever.. i wonder what happened.. sunburnt or.. fire burnt??
and i saw jien chen too... so i assumed that yee chen must be coming later to fetch them..
its been half a year since i last saw him. and i really dun wanna see him.


later after that.. a car.. came.. and ting chen n jien chen got into the car.. i saw yee chen on the driver seat. the moment i laid eyes on him, it started happening again. the familiar feeling of nervousness... chemical reactions bubble up in my head.. .. the same feeling of overeacting.

i hate myself.. i really do. me n him.. we are nothing.. had nothing. started nothing. .. but dunno why the hell i still feel like that.. even though i love jingxiang deeper n deeper each day.. and i totally don't give a damn bout him anymore.. i dunno why its still like this...

when he drove away.. i kept thinking of the tarot cards i played at my cousin's house. i played for jingxiang.. and him.

there's 4 cards...1st card bout how i think.. and the card showed that he messed up my mind and my life..
the 2nd card bout the current situation...the card said that he will have a chance next time.. but .. chance to do what? to get me?..if that's true..that means one day i will leave jingxiang??
the 3rd card.. bout how he think.. he think that i turn his life upside down.. thats true.. cuz all these while he's been trying like mad to find out who i m.
the 4th card.. the most important one.. bout the ending we will have. its the BEST card in the set. .. meaning that me n him will live happily ever after.

that's so bullshit.

for jingxiang.. oh by the way..during the time i played the cards..me n him were having misunderstanding.
1st card...bout how i think.. the card told me to have more empathy, to put myself in his shoes and think whether wat i did was wrong onot.. its vv true btw.. i realized that soon enouhg.
2nd card.. the situation at that time.. telling both of us to cool things off and think whether are we really suitable for each other onot.
3rd card.. how he think.. its a STAR card.. stars..what he like.. hmm..what a coincidence..eventhough long time liao.. i still remember..hehe.. anyway. it said that he thought that i m perfect?.. that time we haven't meet yet.. and i m his dream girl all those stuff..
4th card.. the ending.

its a JUDGEMENT card. that means everything lies in the two of us. if one of us decides to let go, then its over. and it also said that one day we will break up... but will be together again, it is only then we finally knew what is love. it also reminded that everything lies in our decision.


its so true. cuz months later.. after we met. he ignored me.. counted as break up. when we got back together.. we are much more loving..and we appreciate each other more. like now.



i still remember .. i put [ <>] in my icq details

the WORLD refer to the 4th card for yee chen.. . cuz i really wanna be with jingxiang..not yee chen.


and during the month he ignored me.. i played again. this time i only played for him. and... surprisingly... the result of the card overall said that eventhough things are over between me and him, we are still vv connected in out hearts. and still love each other.

after 2 weeks.. he smsed me. true huh?


but i wished its just a coincidence. .. cuz if its the truth.. what bout the one bout me being with yee chen??? i dun wanna be with yee chen.. i wanna be with him. only him.
i hope nothing happens. and besides.. yee chen will never like me.. and i m vv confident that jingxiang won't let me go.. um... hopefully??


... please..please..please..let me be with jingxiang.