haze

VISIT TO THE SALOON [insecurity n neon tomato]

1000 words
those words of yours.. r they just kindness?..are they only meant to exist in dreams? they conceal all the lies.. so unfair..
gave me the silent treatment as u leave.. but i was listening all along.. r u fighting this battle alone?.. so unfair..
i'll be back those words of yours swept thru me...but i was stubborn, i pretend to be tough..
i lose myself in the past once more, should i have called u n screamed back then?.. wat would change if i had cried for you n ask u not to leave?
now.. in the present, i can do all that.. as i m free..free of u..
i couldn't say those 1000 words.. but i'll send them to your past... i'll make them into wings n let them fly..
couldn't say those thousand words..i embraced ur wounded back.. n held u as tight as i can without hurting u..

the dream goes on when i think of you.. they continue..
both pretending to have forgotten that day.. so unfair..
i'll write..your voice.. those eyes.. i was stubborn..i played strong.. i brought myself back to the past.. should i have gotten angry?.. should i have just shrugged my shoulders carelessly n say..i'll wait.


woke up with an incredible surge of feeling.. managed to consumed all of them into the tiny box of mind with the simple reason of just wanting him to sleep more n concentrate on his work..

asked my dad for the ok to highlight my hair... he gave an ok together with a 'not too wild'...which i ..unfortunately have broken.

i finished my work as quick as i can.. n i could hold it no more.. picked up the phone n called. weak mind the one i have.

just hearing his voice lost all control over wat decency i have left.. wanted so much to let my mood swing on him, demand answers to my childish questions n make him talk til my insecurity fades n most of all.. wanted so much to beg him not to leave.

of cos.. nothing of that sort happened. not even close.


..before things became certain, i was determined to keep things light for as long as i can.. but instead, i fallen too fast too deep n commited myself sooner than i could ever be..

n its not exactly his fault but mine.. for i somehow started committing strongly right after he told me bout his doubts of his own feelings for me. how rushed can i be...


heck..i even got the chest pain.. so fast. so painful.. twice as much everytime the scene of him telling me how unsure he is bout his feelings for me replay in my mind.


not his fault.. but mine... i felt as if i m entitled only to teach him how to love, but barred away from the fruits of my teaching 500 km away. so painful.. .. not worthy enough.. not good enough.. not clean n pure enough.


suddenly so insecure n afraid of separation... the first time's deep... i m surprised that the 2nd time is so much more deeper n sweeter. in such a short time, the definition of love changed no less than 50 times for me.


i don't care.. not anymore .. dun care anymore if i m not the first one in his list. dun care being 2nd or lower even.. doesn't even matter anymore.. i dunno the reason for this.. i somehow dunno. just wanna be with him.. thats all.. wat m i thinking..


anyway.. i went to town.. wanted to highlight my hair .. in like... light caffe colour.. like japanese girls?.. those ashen brown colour.... but ... the aunty made a mistake n mixed in neon tomato orange instead.........................


..u see the colour of the links right to u?.. thats the colour..only more sharper...

... wats my dad gonna say....


its not hideous though...


.. the saloon.. i sat there with my maths book.. trying to get my hair out of my eyes so that i can read.. but couldn't... its quiet today.. almost no customers... one of the hairdresser there.... a woman.. one that scientific people would declare 'hormone imbalance'... her voice.. is manly....... face distorted with age n cheap make up..body wrongly pampered with street junk food... her voice thud into my head everytime she talked...


thats incident no. 1

incident no.2...my hair was still being fixed when a low growl is heard outside the saloon...mine u, the saloon is right at the main road of petaling street..

cRASH!... BUNG!

.. every single hairdresser there rushed to the glass door to kay poh whats going on.. a metro bus had banged into a motorist.


more graphic ohs..n ahs..n phrases of how the motorist is being sandwiched... by the hairdressers while i stayed vv still in my seat..

aih...

.. i was telling my hairdresser..."why do they only look?.. why can't they go out n help them instead of just looking...?"

finally the kay poh hairdressers stopped....malaysians are awful i tell u.. they rather witness than to help the situation.. they rather look..n talk bout it than help the situation... wat nonsense.........


incident no.3..

while my hair is being marinated in tomato sauce.. an aunty from nowhere came in with bags of clothes.. all the 4 hairdresser..mine u...they r not young no more. my hairdresser is FAT... those who see me before.. she's 3 times my size. the width of me 3 times that.
the other one which i mention the hormone imbalance one....n another one who keeps on rushing to the toilet n vomitting, i would have thought she is preggies if they had not say she got sick..
and the last one.. she's thin.. the prettiest of the old haggard lot... so u can guess where she really stand in society.. her hair's lush.. n body fit.. but face too rubbery with stains of cheap red smudgy lipstick...

they went siao over the clothes.. going in n out of the toilet..changing..trying on everyone.. laughing n giggling like small girlies which would have been attractive if not for the low tenor of the 'hormone imbalance aunty' i mentioned earlier on..

they seemed to forgot that i exist...ugh.. i can never understand y women love clothes so much.. i have a hard time choosing them, a harder time fitting into them just right enough to accentuate my curves, and the hardest time paying for them.

n when its time to wash my hair.. the area is behind a somewat white fence.. miss pretty was behind it with her back cladded only in her bra facing me..................................

crap. i was feeling hungry before.. i lost all appetite. i haven't eaten all day..even til now.. i only ate a double beef burger at McD's.


but oh well.. i had my hair done.. 2 grueling hours of sitting with white paper in my head all over...HEARING a car accident..HEARING the thunderous tenor of miss imbalance.. wait..or is that missus... WATCHING in the mirror of mine the 'girls' parading in outfits their bodies..n WATCHING the body of a middle age woman in bra....with the rest of her freckled skin flooding out of her bra.


took the bus back.. cuz my stepmom left earlier... wanted to continue reading the maths book in bus but somehow i was so distracted..kept thinking.. kept rewinding.. wondering bout us.. n marvelling at how i have change in the past few days.. making my mind not to let him know wat i thought in the morning.....but failed..have i? i m putting them here..in my blog. which he reads. just dumping my thoughts here.. needed somewhere to dump them...


on the way back... walking up the hill..was wondering if he doesn't care anymore..when the phone suddenly rang.....wa.. so happy!!...


he said he was happy he got his phone number back.. which betrayed wat he told me before.. haha... said he didn't really care when his hp is lost... yea right... y feeling happy then?... when he said that, i couldn't help it but smiled to myself like a fool walking down the street with a stupid grin on her face.


ok. i finished dumping my thoughts. wonder whats the consequences for doing this.....................