haze

a close friend of mine just entered a long distance relationship.. talking to him brings back memories of my own...

though some things i could barely remember.. but i still can feel how it was talking ot him over the phone.. so painful.. yet so sweet.. n loving at the same time. time just flies.. they seemed to short for the conversation.

how sweet it was everytime i opened up my email inbox.. seeing his mail there. unopened. like a treasure chest with lots of secrets n stories inside.

n how i would think of nothing the whole day but his words... inside the email.. like a scroll only i could see as i go about my daily lives.. each movie he mentioned. each endearments.

..ah.. but i laugh too often at his jealousy.. n tantrums..thinking it was just a way of his affection fo rme. i didn't really know that he really really was upset. since it was quite trivial. for me.

i pushed aside temptations.. in my own world .. just to be with him.. guys... outings.. calls.. always he was first in my heart. .. cuz he was my first. though i was very reluctant to make him my last at first. i dunno since when i start wanting him to be my last.

he never really wanted to hurt me. always lying so that i wouldn't be hurt. but everytime he does that... ..i wanted him to know... if u could lie to keep me happy.. why can't u stop doing all those things that you had to cover with lies.
i rather he be honest. than to let me uncover the lies in the end. in photos. or by accident.

but how could i blame him. he didn't know.. how much i really loved him... n i supposed i didn't know how much he loved me.


in the end.. i couldn't take it. we were similiar in ways. but our differences...though little. they aggravate the situation.. he believed in forever love. though i didn't. but i adapted.
he believed in lying n covering up all the bad points he had. we had. i had. he would never say one bad word about me to his parents. or to his friends. he would lie for me.
but i m not like that. i m honest. i do not believe in living in lies.
he also isn't......................up to my standard. when it comes to ... conversing.. n..um.. understanding. he can never understand what i m hinting. not sensitive enough. not sincere enough. while i m always expecting him to understand... to get all my hints. to do something behind my back n surprise me.

it got so bad until i got upset at the slightest things.

its hard not to be tempted when there's another guy being so sweet n caring to you.. that respected you n dun lay hand on u.. but when u go back to ur room..ur bf is always mad at u..coward when it comes to owning up n making his own point heard.. n asking for nude pics.l

but i always wanted to give this relationship a second chance.. everytime i wanted to leave it. like he does.


i supposed now.. right now... our differences would have been greater.

we are always different from each other in some way.. if not now.. then later... we always change.. love can always put aside differences no matter what it is.. if it can't be put aside.. its not love..

oh well. i m content now. i hope he is. cuz i have forgiven him for everything already... ok.. maybe forgetting is more like it.

yeap. forgetting is always easier. a cowards way out. :D thats me.