haze

ah.. couldn't control myself last night... i m so bad....

had a dream... i m leaving names off.

was in an outing.. this takes place in the vv near future when both of us is apart... we r friends... friends thats obvious they have been lovers before. cuz everything is uptight. jealousy still exists.. eventhough determined to walk on different paths..some parts of us still stuck together..

ok u get the idea....

during this phase.. u would say that all the sudden lost of attention only calls for more. n i m digusted by what i did..

i just woke up..a little sick n offbeat.. feeling unwanted....uncomfortably single...walked out of my room..passed the guys' room... um.. seth(i changed the name)..was in the room... he looked at me.. he always does.. n at the corner.. i felt faint.. n i fainted to the ground..but in fact, i had enough strength to keep my consciousness for hours.. i fainted because i wanted to. deliberately. ...(oh how disgusted i m at watching me do this..even in my dream)
n of cos... seth came running n held me.. so that i won't crash to the ground. round my waist.. the way how a woman love to be held..

n i feigned consciousness... thanking him........(ugh)


n the day goes on.. with me pissing him off... n me getting ridiculously n cheaply close to seth... making incidents as excuses for him to get his hands on me...

i even go to extreme of letting him hug me in front of everybody....


ah... how i hate myself....even in my dreams i m pathetic..

i'll never let myself be this fake.

new art.. anyway... i m thinking of redoing my blog....................... a less negative one...something brighter.. to show that i m strong...

oh yea... i m strong.. no use design a cover that shows strength when all the word content inside shows how weak i m...


everything around me is haunting me.. the fact that i m not good enough.. that so many people out there have a better heart compared to mine.. n that my flaws seemed to show up so very often nowadays.. i can only watch myself make mistakes..yet there is no way undoing or making it right again..


different beliefs.. different background.. different ambitions.. i thought love can overcome it all.. but i m wrong... love can only overcome bore.


so u sailed away..into a grey sky morning..
now i m here to stay..love can be so boring
nothin's quite the same now...i just say ur name now...but its not so bad..

u r only the best i ever had.. u dun wan me back..u r just the best i ever had...

so u stole my world...now i m just a phony..
rememberng the girl...leaves me down n lonely...

n it may take some time to patch me up inside..but i can't take it so i run away n hide...
n i may find in time that u were always right.. ur always right...

wat was it u wanted...could it be i m haunted??