haze

another one of those

slept last night. prayed that it won't happen again.. but wasn't sincere when praying.. didn't care.. after all its just nightmares..isn't it? nightmares after bible reading..isn't it cool..whenever u r bored.. just pick up the bibe n then sleep.. n u get nightmares............ ugh.

read bible twice. twice i get nightmares. frist time dreamt that no one Cares.. still ok.. bit teary.. but not out yet.. so still ok..

yesterday night was the worst.

we were there again.. in the audience.. me..him..n my dad(ok.. this couldn't be bad since both of thm are together with me...right? ) ..the stage is empty .. only one man was on it.

he was blindfolded...by a cap that extneds up to the ceiling that helps him stay put. hands tied to his back... he look cold.. without feelings... as if he dun give a damn..

there were another man in front of him.. with a gun by his side. n then there were 3 judeges there.. wat competition this is.. i supposed.

there was a lso a choir.. they sang.. whie the projector shows a series of beutiful flowers in bloom.. they sky was still.. the clouds were gray..seems weird why everything doesn't fits.

n then.. the song finished. n the big clock up on top ding dong.

the judges looked at each other.. n said into the microphone.. 'now'.

the man in front of the prisoner raise up his gun n point it to the prisoners head ..we are al vv silent n still n without any care.. (but inside me.. i was wondering.. he's gonna kill that man?)

then... when he was about to pull the trigger. the door burst opened. everyone turned to look. except for the judges.. they looked at each other n groaned.. a man with greenish brown shirt walked in. the man with the gun froze...n tremble.. somehow he just can't pull the trigger.

then the green man walk up in front of the gun man n raised up his own gun n shooted.

the prisoner fling around lifelessly on the rope.

it was an execution. but the executioner wasn't legal. the shot were stolen. n its not judges, they were the timekeeper...keeping time of the life the prisoner should have.

everyone fled... screaming... allbecause of a green man who suddenly came in n shoot the prisoner whos gonna die anyway.

i seemed to be emotionless.. (i must have seen this countless of times.. haven't i?).. we walked out of the building.. n got into the car...

...............................

the next night..we were there again. n the same thing happened. the green man stole the shot once more. this time the judges are irritated... this green man has done this too many times to their executioner. n they were fed up why he always gets the shot. but the gunman this time were determine not to let the green man have the shot.

the greenman walked towards the prisoner.. n the gunman waited. when both of them were on par.. both raised their guns n cocked their head ,... the judges seemed excited... they want it to happen.. the prisoner's death had become a game.

the greenman won.

this time..no commotion was caused.. we walked out of the building in ot the dark night... talking about it...

the road was empty.. so i rushed to the other side without waiting for my dad n him.. they are always so slow.. that it frustrates me.

suddenly... they shouted "run!!.. run!! GO!!"

i looked to my left.. 5 young men were chasing after me. i ran .. n i ran.. i dun wanna end up in the stage. no. not me. (but wat makes me think that they will put me on stage..i dunno)

i ran... but i can hear other footsteps behind them.. it was him.. oh stupid.. my dad had already driven away... buthe was ont he chase..chasing the men who is chasing me. aiyo...

i ran n i ran around the streets.. past alleys.. n when i thought they are far enough.. i opened a door n i slipped in. it was a toilet...

but there's sofa... tv... n comforts there.. further behind are the cubicles... the last one is open..the others were shut. . i ran into the last one. n locked myself in.

it was silent..n still..as i breathe heavily n sweat heavily.hoping they won't find me.. hoping they won' turn back and take him instead.

waiting dreadfully... trying to stop myself from breathing so that my breaths Can't be heard.

everything was so still..n quiet.

suddenly.. a girl sang. she hummed...n then water splashed.. on her body... n then she talked to herself.. in mandarin... then she talked to me.."ni shi shui?" who r u...

i was trying to play it cool... ok.. so if i talk a little bit high pitch.. i might be able to pass off as a child toher.. n she won't try to shoo me out...

but my voice tremble n tremble.. i told her i m just a kid in need of a toilet...

then we talked.. both in different cubicles... unti i almost forgot there was a chase...... its hard talking high pitch...but its ok

suddenly the door opened. footsteps of 2 men ... she continued to talk to me..as if nothing has happened. my tongue were locked.. ic oudln't reply her... fearing they might recognize my voice.. i kept quiet... but she did not press her questions n make me talk.. she just ask other questions... sounds as if shes's talking to her self...

she was on my right... to my left theres another cubicle.. i heard that Door burst open.... n i saw a mans leg under the door of my cubicle.. i jumped on the toilet bowl silently... shaking with fear... then i realized" they would burst my door open if they thought no one is inside!"

so i talked to her... in a very shaky n fake high pitched voice.... she was telling me a joke... n i laughed... i said it was funny... then she asked.. how funny?

the men passed us.. n wlked towards the sofa.. suddenly there was a thud n i saw her head above the cubicle's wall.. she ahd long hair.. typical chinese..bit dark...

i was mouthing to her... help me.. help me.. those men wants me.. help me,..

she smiled... n said "now i know how funny it is.."

she stood back down onto the hard floor.. i was looking at the window above..wondrering if i could squeeze thru... she talked to me.. but her voice seemed near this time..i turned around just in time to see her walk THRU the door of my cubicle... going transparent when the door was in her.

i was frightened.. but my fear for those men were more.

i asked her.. how did she do that? n she made silly antics of telling me ur head had to be at a certain degree by the wall's side.. n she bent down n demonstrated ..putting her head to the wall..expecting it to go thru.. but she knocked her head instead...

we can hear those men wathcing tv there.. waiting.. for me.. i supposed..

she told me not to be afraid softly... i was shaking.. muttering nonsense n crying again.. then she held my hand n smiled to me... her hand felt cold. is she a ghost? ...

n sometimes i can feel those fingers of her go inside mine... as if they are not solide n just air... somtimes....

then she hold me.. pullled me to the door... n we walked thru the door.. i felt nothing... i was clam..vv calm..

we walked pass the men... they didn't seemed to notice....or didn't seemed to be able to see.

she held me closer n pulled me thru that door again... n we could see the other 3 men outside..waiting..scouting..running everywhere searching for me.. but i couldn't see him.. where is he.....

they couldn't see us....she take me to the right side... n walked me.. out into the streets ....n i can see him.. standing there..as usual.. waiting for me... but he coudn't see me....

she took me closer to him... n put my hand in his... then she walked away...

she turned back n she smiled..

he wasn't aware i was there... we just stood there silently..dumb.. then he look to his right. n saw me.. he gave a jump of fright.. but recovered quickly n quickly took me n ran with me..

we reach my home... my father was there.. n he was agitated..but not by the my running away... not by the men who is after me.. more.. theres something more that upsets him..

he rushed towards me n told me that i must be in campus. must. n he forced me inside the car.. n drove me.. away..muttering nonsense that i couldn't understand.. n we left him behind at my house.

i reached campus.. it was vv dark.. morning can't seem to come.. my dad walked me in.. n left me there... he drove away.

suddenly he was there... he pulled me close n told me " u need to kill someone . go get anything that can kill. "

i asked ..y?...

he said " they got ur mother. she's gonna be on stage. if u can kill the green man, they 'lll lost spirit n the gunman will not shoot"

( my monm is alreadydead... why r the killing her again?..is this y my dad is so upset... so she isn't dead yet?? i couldn't let her die this time... i let her die the first time..but not this time)

we ran all over the place..seraching for things.. there were no guns.. no knifes..only projectors... those things we use to draw circle with a sharp point in one end. n we can only get one.

then we rushed to the building.. n we saw the 5 men.. but they look at us n just looked away.. as if we didn't exist... then i realized... because i escaped... they took my mom instead.

i was furious.. i rushed into the building. my father was there. we stood beside him..he was calm but crying.. the stage is empty. everything was dark this time. i walked in front of the audience.. waiting.. holding the sharp end in my hand. i m not gonna let her die this time. not my mother.

we waitied... vv long.. nothing happened.. i took the time to ask everyone for projectors.. why projectors.. i do not understand )....we got about 30 of them.. my father saw.. but he didn't say anything.. why is he so weak/?? why is he just going to watch her die again???

then the judges rushed in.. sweaty.. flustered.. apparently something happneed... but they look satisfied.

the big screen brightened.. there was a choir... a bigger one... why... i do not understand.

i do not care... i just wanna kill that greenman... the flowers they show this time were bigger... more blossoms..more colour..n more windy... the choir has the strong will in them.....

the camera turned away from the choir... n from top's view.. focused on the stage.. where 2 man is standing on it.. the camera go closer..n closer. the left man is the greenman.. they caught him..hes the prisoner on the stage this time.. i can't kill anyone.. anymore.. he is going to be killed.. he won't be killing my mother... i can't save her..

there were 10 gunmen this time in front of both of them.. guns raised to them.

then the camera turned right... n focused on my mother's face...her mouth. who's eyes n nose are hidden by the blindfold.

he mouth n her skin is decayed. white n peeling. i still remember this mouth .. i watched it when she was feeding me last time... why izzit so gross now?. i can recognize her body.. a lil hunchback..n her mass of black hair..

then the camera go closer..until only the mouth is visible.. i was so repelled by her dry white mouth with dry peeling skin.... that i just was so frightened by the sight of her ..as if she's a demon..

n i woke up.

... n i knew wat this meant. i had never loved her. never.

i wasn't frightened by those men....nor by the fact that my dad dun care... or that he is in danger. wasn't frigthened by the girl who can walkt hru doors... or by the fact that my mom is gonna be killed again.

but i m frightened by her sight. so frightened that i was jolted awake.

if u saw ur mom.. like that. u would have cried.. or rushed towards n kill all those gun men.

but i didn't. i had never felt fear..or sadness..because i was so determined not to let her die..

because i never love her.. n because of that.. i let her die when i was 8.. n now even in my dreams.. i let her die..

over n over again.

its been years since i last dreamt of her... n everytime she is silent... not willing to even look at me... the last time i dreamt bout her..i was walking up the stairs. n she walking down.. i kept on staring at her until i get banged by the car.

forgive me mom... for i haven't been a daughter when u r here.. n also when u r gone.. n i never love u.. i m sorry i didn't mourn for u in ur funeral.. i didn't cry... no..i wasn't too young to understand.. its just that i didn't love.. i m sorry i always leave u alone in ur room...to ur thoughts just because i wanted to play.. i have never given u a glass of water before.. or folded ur clothes before... i had never even hug u when u r sick.. cuz u look so frail. i m afraid my hug will break ur bones... n i didn't wan to see that sight...

forgive me for blaming u.... insisting that u gave up on me n my father when u left us... now i understnd... it is we who have given up on u.. it is we.

God.. now i know y u took her away.. someone that good..doesn't deserve us.. she deserve a better place.. a place where her sisterS won't beat her anymore... n a place where peple she love will love her back.

forgive me Lord..for i have sinned.. i did not love those who love me.. not even You.

forgive me.