haze

random thoughts
i hate it when i m forced to eat.
forCed to shit
.. hate it when i have good results. n teachers dun care u dun care. no one does
hate it when i did somuch shit n n u dun care. dun even give a damn . n forgets it as soon as u sink ur self into games or girls.

hate it when i tell lies to u. just because i felt i should damaGe u teh way u damage me. n then realized no. its not like that. i m shit. n there i m.
hate it when i felt jealous.. cuz i m not supposed to feel that way. or else u won't tell me shit no more.
hate it when u go out late at night carouseling with man twice ur age..cuz i dun feel like doing the same. hate it. why can't i be like u?
hate Why can't i get wat i want. who i want. when u get everything u want.

hate it when u can't see. u just can't. see. but voila. u seem to see so much in others. so much.
hate it when i hate myself. n u hate it too. making me hate me more.

hate it when things u said i have to listen. n things i said r pushed aside.
hate the fact u always usE my fork n spoon n never washes them.
hate me for being me. being so selfish n being so ridiculous. especially now.
hate u for being u . being so angelic n lovable.. til i can't find way to hate u


hate u for sucking things up. making me can't sleep. making me look worse. dragging me down with u.
hate u for always talking. busybody
hate me for thiknking like this bitch that i m. n hate the fact that everybody willhate me for this. hate u for hating me cuz i m bad.

y wont' no one understand. when u ask for nude pics. nude shit. movies. tell me do dirty shit. treat me Dirty. two time me. i still stay with u cuz i dun hate u cuz u r bad. i love u when u r good. when u hit me. punch me. slap me. disgrace me. make me fear u i still will never fight back. verbally or physically.
hate You for misleading me. for telling me stupid shit that make me go down instead of up. for forsaking me at the wrong time n coming back at the time when he needed u most. but will You come back when i needed u most???can't You hear my thoughts?

but will i hate u.. will i hate You.. will i hate you... will i hate you ... no i won't. but i will hate me. n me alone.

n i know u will hate me. cuz i come from this forsaken family. n everything i do seemed to be a result of this forsaken family. i m a broken child. n u will not mend me. u will not. cuz u r the one that break me. u r the one that break me.

y r u so easily affected? influenced by the slightest beauty? by the slightest shake? why r u so easily shaken by me? by the pain n sufferings n the past in me? y r u so easily attracted to things that are perfect? to people that are simpler n happier? is it not I who needed u most?

hate it when u cAll me pretending to care. but actually u care for the one u love. n u expect me to care n do something on ur behalf.
hate it when u call. giving me pressuRe. expecting me to be there. when i cannot. when i hve a family back home that needed me more. hate it when u bring ur bf home. n make me say how handsome he is. hate it when u sitll wanna call other guys n flirt around. without letting him know. y be with him in the first place if u r planning to leave??

n you. hate it when everytime ur fucking daughter or son gets sick u blame me for it. hell u even blame my laptop for it. i hate you for not standing up for me. for bringing me out to sushi king n eating more than 500 per meal n coming back home telling her we ate 15 bucks macdonald.

hate u for buying me so many things. discman. piano. laptop. books. n have to go home n tell her that i paid half for them. hate u for smoking outside the house.because she dun likes it. n letting me face the consequences in the end.

hate u for having the guts to beat me n my sister up.. but no guts for standing up for us in front of her. no guts in telling her how good we are.

hate you for praising me n pretending i m the best when i m not. hate u for saying that driving merc benz to pasar is cool n cun. hate u for saying that one wrong smsm from ur dad might cost him 20 million of business.

hate u for always forcing me. to go places i dun wanna go. hate u for brainwashing me. for making me sing songs i dun mean. hate u for making me accept things i dun even see that its there.

hate me for being so honest all the time. telling u wat i hate. do u not know what i hate.
buT will i know what u hate? do u not feel this guilt u r feeling right noW> or angEr.. n will i feel the same.
yes i will. n i do care. buT still i hate it.

still i hate it.

hate doing work that means so much to me. yet can fail over n over. hate doing work for You...but dun have the talent to do it properly.

hate shit bout university. n the fact that i must look out for others. n let others look out for me. hate shit bout me giving wrong impression during orientation which i must follow up right noW. i m not sweet. nor m i stupid. n polite.
i m rude. loud. tomboyish. i pick my nose n i fart . n i want to hang out with people who are quiet n lead silently. not with people who r popular n dun do work but do other stuffs that makes them unfocused.

hate everything. .. eveRything. but will i cry alone. no i will not. i will not suffer alone again. no .