eruption


"I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry."
Maxine Waters


finallly i erupted.

i dunno what to say for my action. if u guys think that i m cruel for taking out my frustration on him. then scold me.


another time.. yet again my dad asked me for help.. but when i tried to help, he brushed me off with a swatter when i was halfway thru.

i lost myself. i totally lost control. i said "fine, everytime u asked me for help u are always like this. i m so tired of it"

n i went down to the base ment.


was venting my anger on a bowl of cornflakes kokocrunch.

when i went back up. he was all nice.. gave me an apple.. an all..

n now he didn't even ask me for the internet line.


too late!!


y must i always tolerate all these nonsense.. n when i made noise, i m considered as 'talking back'.. n 'unfilial' n ' angst'


wat gave them the right to blow their temper on me in the first place???
blowing temper doesn't nessecarily meant shouting n cursing, giving black face, glaring, pretentious attitude, ignoring others, crying in front of others n mistreating others is also forms of blowing temper.


y must i tolerate all? if they blow their horns can't i do the same? i have every same right with them.

just now he was using my laptop.. my msn msg was open.. ARES was open.. AI opened.. when i came back up.. it was all closed. yea.he read my private stuffs.. probably even pitied me for my recent pitfalls.

u know wat? i dun need any pity.

cuz in my life.. in my relationship with my family or with my bf. they are the ones making the deals. the decisions. with just one single word.. they can cut me off..n expects me to accept it in watever way of mine.

even him. just ignore me n expects me to adapt to all the changes.

yea. i know. writing this. those guys contacts in my list right now. those conversations.. games. will make him mad. but tell me, isn't that wat he wants? for me to move on n find someone better?

if i held on..n continue pestering him.. wat good will it bring ?.. he won't msg me back or contact me. he might feel good cuz i m still having the hots for him.


wat bout me? wat m i really supposed to do? wat is the right thing to do?
can i be upset too n ignore someone for a change? can't i tell somoene off too just because i dun like the way they are, or the changes that happened to them?


can't i? y do i always have to be the one who adapts to the changes they made to my life? y must i adapt to being alone now? y must i adapt.

GUILT


sigh. in a days time.. it would be my dad's bday. n in 16 days time its my sis bday. n in 11 dyas time its my mom bday.

n i have no money to get them anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well.. its not such a big problem.. but my dad expects me to get him something form sg.. cuz i did not get him any souvenirs.. not that i dun wanna get him anything..just that i dunno wat he likes.


god. n if i dun give him anything of high value, he would ask for the 450 sg bucks .. its complicated.


wat m i to get him???????????????????


i m so upset... everythings such a jumble right now.

n seriously, i dun wanna get anything for him.. he doesn't deserve it.
cruel..m i?.. well. he shouldn't have told me not to hold my sis hand. n he shouldn't always be such a egomaniac n tell me how to play a game. when it is I who taught him how to play in the first place.

christ.


sometimes he can be such a pain..

that day. he was telling me bout his mistress getting married. n he told me that once, she asked him to start a family with her. [meaning she wants him to plant a seed in her, get her preggos n a child in her oven]

when he said that.. my mind started racing. if she could ask something like that, he must have made her expect that he would divorce my stepmom n marry her instead.

i hate him.
i really do.

how can a guy give all the hopes n promises n unsaid promises to a single clean n pure lady n then tarnish n dirty her.. when he didn't expect himself to make any sacrifices for her at all.
n this innocent lady would expects n hopes more of him.. n even stop herself from marrying. n tolerate the nominality of 'mistress', 'third party'. tolerate the pain of not belonging n not possessing.

sometimes girls can be so stupid n softhearted.
n guys are such ass holes. even my father.

right now i lost all confidence in every single guy in the world. look at my dad?


maybe i should be a lesbian too.

-----------------------

back to happier stuffs..i got my first paycheck!!!!!!! woohoo!... eventhough only 50 bucks.. hehe...

50 bucks for 2 pages of artwork..hmm..

well... i can't have him back.. but at least i m giving him wat he wants.. study hard n work hard.


maybe he'll even come back?..

i m getting too optimistic.............


listening to.. plus one's here in my heart... thanks to jj who intro this song. its a MUSTs download.. makes me feel safe n warm once more... the happy n good memories.


feeling uncertain.

the struggle to get back on my feet

surprisingly.. i did not bellow or cry or wallow or watever this time.. no sleepless nights.. basically i knew wat i had to do this time.

get myself busy so that i would not think.

though it worked most of the time.. but the nights n the memories can be tough.. to handle.


i m so sick of myself being a sissy n all.. i solemnly swear that this will be the last time i write bout my love life.. unless of cuz... something comes up.


its like.. now my life moved on..well.. i got back all my contacts...icq n all.. but my heart stayed on.. n no matter how much i indulge in all this daily activities.. there's still a small corner in me that's making me stay the way he want me to be...

um..for example.. haven't clear my desk.. thats full of his stuffs.. his smses still in my hp.. old emails still in laptop..


n even now i try not to use vulgarities... cuz he doesn't want me too.

not that i still cares bout his demands..just that.. i m used to be like this.. used to obeying him.
n still now i dun send my pics to guys.. huh..


but i hope i can finally let all these go.


i m surprised... though.. its just been a few days since i come back n though nothing happened.. n when i say nothing.. it really means nothing. no news.. no sms..no email.no nothing.. no suicidal notes.. no break ups no nothing..

n i m acting as if he left.


... i dunno y i m like this either.. maybe cuz.. i know..that this time he won't be back.


funny... really funny..though i let no one else know bout this except for ca po, i told her that when i get back to malaysia i will not contact him anymore.. depending on how he treated me during my sg trip..

n of cos.. u can tell that i decided to contact him.. but in return, he is the one who's not going to contact me anymore.

girls are softhearted.. i won't deny that if he suddenly pops back in my life, i would jump at him eagerly n willingly... maybe its considered cheap?...i dunno..


but i hope my head wins over my heart this time.

n i sure wanna understand all the reasons that led to this.




well.. back to fresher n newer stuffs.. explained everything to laurent just now.. felt as if a boulder have been lifted from my shoulder.. catch up with him a little.. happy for him.. got a new gf now.. lifes going up..

hope mine's the same.

things changed..alot these 2 years.. for everyone of us... lie yuen.. well.. u know.
cheng yee.. of cos..
me... yea.. changed...
him.. he changed together with me.. we walked together for quite some time... now.

everyone.

changed.

moving on.

me..left behind.




Wherever u r tonight, I'll see u in my dreams
Wherever I go tomorrow, u be here next to me

n though we r a world apart I know u'll never b that far

cuz here in my heart there's a picture of us together, forever
unfaded and unbroken

Wherever you are your love covers me
Forever more you'll be here in my heart

Whenever I miss you so much it's more than I can bear
I won't cry, I'll just close my eyes and know you'll be there

Your kiss and your touch I'll never forget
'Cause you're as close as my very next breath

My heart



...
feels so much warmer after listening to this songs.. memories that kept me warm

My world Of Vulgarities

i m so fuckin fed up with everything in my life...

imagine.. suddenly ur Perfect life are tumbled down by a nagging father.. today i was holding my sis hand to cross the road.. n wat happened? my dad shouted at me in front of everyone to not hold her hand.

n everytime he asked me a question.. well.. first thing is i answer n try to help.. n then he would suddenly fucking tell me i m wrong n that i m stupid.. n he would put on his god forsaken face to make me upset.


y the fucking ask when u dun wanna know.

n when he asked for directions.. i phoned chin kuan to as bout it.. n when she gave me directions.. he told me to go the other way n that she is wrong. yea.. he is always right.

guys is always right n girls are always stupid. n when girls try to prove otherwise, guys say that we are unfeminine n like to talk back.

fuck them all.


my temper is blowing so ofen that i have a hard time keeping it down..

my father is kind enough to remind me of how disorganize i m bout the mmu intake things.. kept going over n over again bout how i plan everything but did nothing... again n again.

yea. i know. AS a daughter, AS a girl i can't talk back.

but i can't take it anymore..

i in turn reminded him how he was the same too... planned n write n emailed him bout wat to do.. but now? he did nothing too.

n he kept quiet n subtly change the topic... how endearing... huh.



n i was stupid enough.. stupid enough to remember its his bday in april.. stepmoms' bday in april.. sis bday too.


n also stupid enough to tell my dad that i still ahve the SG dollars 450 bucks. which i actualy put in his wallet when i m in sg.

its rm 1000 here.. how the hell m i going to get 1000 bucks in a few days time...!!!

he wants them back..how???


wanna ask from cheng yee.. but she's broke?.. i dunno.. probably give her interest or something.


me n my big mouth..



though was happy to see them today ... but my mind isn't that calm... troubled by my own guilt n conscience .. of wat i posted in this very blog yesterday.

why must all the people in this world be like this..

is it me.or them?




listening to Once IN a Blue MOon..by taro Iwashiro..right now.. felt as if every chord is pulling my heart in its music n rhythm.. imagine.. a violin stick grazing its way thru ur heart... up n down.. not stopping even when it bleeds.. producing the worst music u can't even bear to listen.. then tell me, is it not better to just die .. than to feel this pain every single damn day

AMAZED

something amazing.. my dad played a game with one of my friends in msn.. n they were like playing til midnight.. minesweepers... n my dad even end up chatting my friend up..

huzzah dad...


MY HOROSCOPE

Today's celestial atmosphere may seem to temporarily alienate you and your dearest friend, but it also gives you both the chance to find out that the love that is developing between you goes far deeper than any surface difficulties. Through one loving and caring conversation, you discover that what seemed to be a major problem was really no problem at all. Your relationship blossoms anew, and all is well.

''''''

it is normally usually often always accurate... but this time..?..


HIS HOROSCOPE

A conversation that you hold with someone special may well be classed as "heavy" in your book, but that doesn't mean that it won't be effective. The current celestial atmosphere gives you the chance to focus on an issue that has been bugging you both for a while, and really has needed to be discussed. Don't think about it, just do it and bring the light back into your lives!

.,,,,

ok..this is freaking me out....




.. i do want him back...despite all that happens... n my friends is being supportive no matter what i decide... they expect us to be longer lasting..

.. n...i dunno. but let's see. ok?


we'll see bout that horoscope... i'll update bout it's accuracy tomoro.


ugh.. i found out. the horoscope is sitll for yesterday.. haven't update yet.. so.. accuracy = 0.

i m never reading it again...

HELPLESSNESS

thats wat i feel after wat happened today... hmm today..

today.. i was supposed to spend the day with either mun hong..., hock chuan or chin kuan n cheng yee.. but it turns out i went out with neither one of them

i went out with my dad instead... to take care of my mmu stuffs. went for the medical check up.. and the stupid doctor touched me all over.. he pressed n pushed.. n touched. oh it felt horrible... yep. confirmed liao.. positive results.


then went back to my school.. for some certification of my certs copies... n guess who i saw? weng hong n wei ren.. of cos.. they pretended not to see me.. but when i was out of sight.. i think they told jia jun i m there.. n the next thing i know.. he's at the office outside talking to me.. bla bla.. asked a few formalities.. how r u.. go which university.. n he subtly hinted to me...'my cousins' here u know..'
yea.. of cos i know.. of cos i know. i saw them.

wei ren was the guy i paired up with in wilson's party..


anyway.. back to more personal stuffs..

my instinct tells me to wait til his parents go abroad in 3rd april..it also tells me that his dad might be using the hp line.. n that he is busy spending time with his parents .. so busy that he is tired when he got back home everynight.. too busy to even contact me.

yea.. in my heart.. i m making all sorts of excuses for him.. trying to tell myself that he still loves me..


everyone who knows me know that if they treat me good... i treat them good.. but if they treat me bad..i treat them bad..unless if they are my close ones... my dear friends or him..
but i think this gotta change.. gotta protect myself more... protect myself from being a fool.. being hurt.. n protect myself from him.


i know he have a reason for this.. his own reasons. his own decisions. did he ever care bout me. i really love him
perhaps he's afraid when i go mmu?... .. yea.. afraid i would leave him for another guy...n yet now he is leaving me.
perhaps he felt he isn't good enough?.. pls la... we all know down inside i m the one not good enough.
perhaps he doesn't wanna get into trouble with his parents?... ...then.. m i not more important?
perhaps..perhaps what?.. i felt like going insane... i m crazy i know..n i scares him.
perhaps he hate me for the way i m..?.. yea.. but i wonder why i never hate him..
perhaps i mistreated him in sg??..... apart from reluctance n shyness,..wat did i do wrong?'

i m running out of excuses..
he promised he would not ignore me.. promised he would not leave me.



maybe.. .. now i know why.
..maybe the reason being he did not wanna have sex with me...cuz he felt i m not the one for him.

is this it?.. .. yea.. maybe it is..

then i think.. i really think.. think that i m not good enough for him.






amazing how many conclusions i can jump to.
..sigh.


they say girls are softhearted.. much more than guys..

well..i remember telling him..." i m much tougher than u think."

I WILL SURVIVE.

The Cliff of Love

you said that i m like a child, making u guess my hints all the time.
i think that u r the child, needing me to say out every word to make u understand.
things are happening so fast, suddenly i lost, n waiting for u.
a barrier between us now, loses all expectations.. how can our love be natural??
we can't communicate everytime n u leave too soon, giving the excuse that u mustn't love.

i have fell..fell off the cliff of love..
fallen too deeply, can't seem to climb back out...
fallen too fast, too late to change my course for the future..
your love lingers again on me, distracting me from my breathing..
how can i run away?
i can't control myself..

i have fell off the cliff of love..
i remember how cute u are.. i m still waiting for u like a fool.. thinking u would still come back..
your face fades away.. time will bury my eyes n shade my vision... u r disappearing too fast. i can't bear it.

Nobody is what they say they are..
Nothing is ever what it seems to be.
-Wilbur Smith

Breathe Easy...

Cruel to the eye, I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye, Watching him hold what used to be mine

Why did I lie..What did I walk away to find
Oh why oh why...

I... can't breathe easy, Can't sleep at night till you're by my side
No I... can't breathe easy, I can't dream yet another dream without you lying next to me
There's no air

Curse me inside, for every word that caused you to cry
Curse me inside, I won't forget, no i won't baby,
I don't know why I left the one i was looking to find

Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore
I want you back in my life

That's all I'm breathing for

tell me why

won't you tell me why

There's no air.




TRY

All I know is everything is not as it's sold but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there wanting more from me and all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness and all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life I thought I had designed for me

Try

All of the moments that already passed, we'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be, we never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

i m worried..bout stuffs...bout everything...

suddenly everything seemed so still.. so unmoved.

n i m suddenly attracted to the bible stories..not to christianity... i dun believe in them..i just wanna read the stories for fun....

and this is not caused by the fact i visited the church...


i m a buddhist... pure. ..hmmm

bout the many other things i worry.. i dunno. maybe..

ok.. i m bored enough to write things down liao...

wat happened in sg... hmm.. i could just say that things were intimate.. but not overly intimate.. i m really grateful to him.... very..for all the things.

the best times of my life...certainly..

he's gentle..but strong..?..attentive.. gentleman..respectful... and...very.. manly.

dun laugh.

ish.. i just wish we could get together more often.

hallo peepz!!!
glad to see muah?

hehe....


went back from singapore..turns out only have ONE day with him... but its worth it.. n we had to pay the consequences really the hard way...ouch!


it was magnificent..marvellous...amazing...sigh..wish i could turn back time..


i aint saying no more.

y must things turn out to be like this... i m born not rich.. but i dun crave for material..
why.. what have i done ..

he said his feelings changed.. so fast..

is wat i m doing correct.. all i want is just him. i rather give up chasing for money or a better life.. just want him .. wat have i done to make him see me like this.

to my friends... click on MesS.. on the links to ur left....or just copy past... www.geocities.com/hazy_glade68/artmain.htm

HOLLER!!!!!!!!!! LAST BLOG BEFORE singapore TRIP!!!!

ok. last blog. wanna say goodbye to my blog..firstly.. hehe

n goodbye chin kuan...dun get ur hopes down.... when it comes to working, we get by day after day under the boss's surveillance.

bye zzen.. wonder who's listening..haha

bye bye lie yuen. still dun understand wat tOkKiNg u bout MuAh in ur blog... mail me or something n tell me more bout it.... take care yea....n for my sake n yours.. DRIVE carefully!!!! haha..anyway..did i tell u i drove my stepmom's automatic car?.... MAN,, i sURE can drive...woohoo!! n my sis sat beside me.. but i got a lashing from my parents when they get back.. worth the fun...


goodbye cheng yee dear.... thanks for the pepper spray... oh. u havent give me the emergency number.. but its ok....JX will take care of me........ i will come back in ONE piece...no MORE no LESS no HALF... trust me.... i'll remember what u n capo say that night..

bout capo...i'll say goodbye to u on saturday..keke...but thanks for the ride girl... appreciate ur concern...


love you gals.... muah muah. yes i'll remember all ur souvenirs....... [roll my eye..]



n diary... i m sorry..next week.. i'l be blogging manually..using paper n pen..hehe... but i won't be writing any of those here... private stuffs........


if there is anything...... u can get me at my bf's number... which i will leave with capo.. won't type it here... later other girls call him.. anyway... DUN call..just SMS.. its damn expensive calling.


bye bye all..will miss u.. will remember u... even in times of..um.......... romance.

:)

i m not asleep.... just finished the heart to heart talk with cheng yee n capo.. from sex to lie yuen to wai yee..to bfs..to stds... n hotels.

........no comment. prefer to keep my mouth shut.

these nights..i stopped fantasizing... stopped imagining..

y?.. i m not in the mood... i guess this is all my own wrongdoings that lead me here today.

as a girl. i do not know y i .. gave in. do i deserve more?.. i m not sure.


maybe its time.

he told me many times.. he will treat me like a princess.. when i m there.. even now i smile at the thought of it.. thinking back on that day.. when he looked at me intently.. the only time when i really did blushed. but right now i felt as if i lost.

lost every single thing in the world. nothing means anything to me anymore.. the happiness is gone.


yea.. i love him. with everydrop of tear i cry at night.. much more than juliet loved romeo n rose love jack. which explains all.


he still cares... he still loves me... but how much.. i do not know...


i hope all the things i agreed to do won't make me regret when i come back to malaysia... not because he will mistreat me.. i never would think like that.. just that.. accidents do happen.



he told me he doesnt wanna hold my hand.. but i m sure it will turn out to be a surprise..he will hold my hand.. n i'll be overjoyed.. :)
can't wait for it to happen...

i waited all life for the one i love to look me in the eye.. n tell me he love me... i really want it to happen...

all the long wait.. is for this... i just hope i can be sincere when i m there.. i dun wanna act around him... i wanna be honest.


well.. i m happy he is my bf. not some other guy.

i just filled in all the application stuffs for MMU.. and guess wat? in total i had to write 15 times.. 15 times!!! my home address...now wat can u say of that huh?

from biodata..to declaration..medical...hostel..library.. 15 times in all..i must have memorized my parents IC numbers too.


hmm.. dun mistaken y'all. i completed them out of boredom...keke........ i m still hopeful for the singapore one..... sigh...... not much hope..is there?

beginning to feel lonely... miss my friends.. alot. those days where we hang out together n talk crap seemed to be fader n fader.

hmm..the best times would have to be the cameron trip.. i still remember wai fun warbling yong qi by fish leung... standing on the sofa... out of tune..as loud as she can..

the alcohol we consumed.. no guys.. only girls routine.

and the jungle trekking.. who can forget that..the rain. the danger.. the whole gang climbing up with help to find us..while we just sing away in the rain.


drenched from head to toe..watching the others slip n fall cuz of us..

still remember the damn toilets.. full with insects of all species... cockroaches.. ants... til we had to switch toilets day after day..

it was nirvana.

i m going to go insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


but who can i talk to ???? no one. no one at all.


i m at the very border of crossing the line to the world of explosion and yet i have to keep myselt calm n shut myself up. why do i get treated like this all the time???

all the time???


no one appreciates me.

BUTTOCKS, CAMERAS n' MUTES

today, early in the morning, my god forsaken stepmom called me at 8.45 am.. just to ask me to find a certain passport hidden in a certain number # of a pile of paper bags hidden in her wardrobe. to find out the complete name of a certain someone.

and i was blind and crusted, i had to hold the passport real close to see the name and i was so damn sleepy that i felt like falling back to sleep right away.


when she hung up, i can't fall back to sleep.

great.


15 mins later... i woke up.. got ready.. n suddenly my friend ck arrived. i was cursing like hell as if some monster had broke loose out of my heated cage.

ok. everything done. so we walked down the hill. ck walked outside..me inside.. i dunno. it wasn't intentional. really.

then suddenly a motor zoomed past and ck lost her balance. i thought she go hit or wat. i was upset... n in turn it was her cursing like a fucken bitch in heat.

i was wondering.. wats wrong??? she can walk fine...

she told me to hold my bag on the other side.. n i tot..ok did she just got robbed??... i asked her that while she adjust her bag.

she said she wasn't robbed of anything. then wat exactly has hitten her??

she said, the motorist tried to grab her butt, but her bag was on the way n it made her ost balance instead. a molest that resulted in more like a push instead.

she cursed again n again. wat a bad start.......

i switched sides with her.. n walked outside near the road instead...


n we guys tot this is the end of our predicament.

we chatted away like trains chugging n whistling... even when we are in the bus, we chatted non stop.. i was busy talking to her... bout the latest gossips news and updates of my life n others lives when she leaned close to me and whispered..." the guy at the back of the girl which is sitting in front our us is taking your pictures with his handphone.


then how the hell i did not notice?? ... the guy looks like a nokia hp seller... blue collared buttoned down shirt. those kind. i din see him holding a hp up or anything..

i pressed ck for more info..but she hold up her hand signalling me to wait til its convenient to talk.

after a min or two of awkward silence.. we got back to our chatty mood.... talking n talking.... til we got off the bus. i have even forgotten bout the whole issue of the camera.. when we are walking...she suddenly told me that that guy was holding up his hp n looking at me intently for some time.

oh wtf!


bad start... bad start..

then we reached mid valley.. to the education fair.. people practically GRABBED at us and YAKkkED away non stop... not caring whether we are sucking those words in onot..oh hell

then we went for a movie.. .. n i bought her lunch... at a japanese restaurant... our last lunch together before i leave for singapore...


when we went back.. we took the frickin' wrong bus... ended up with a bunch of malay mutes who chatted 'LOUDLY' ( if they are able to talk, not that i have a grudge against mutes or wat) with their sign language... they were sooooooo caught up with it that they bumped into me a few times...


i lost my temper n i said out loud " can the freaking bastard stop bumping into me onot??!"

ck listened n she giggled.. i dun think it is funny though... ugh..
theres even a mute couple infront... the girl is so exaggerated in her sign language that she kept making.. "ah ,..uh" moans to get the guy's attention despite her already aggressive sign language.


oh christ. christ.

n do u know what they were doing? they were studying the photo of the guy.. and from their AGGRESSIVE sign language they are probably saying which is a better photo of an ugly face.

yea. hate me when u read all this but if u were there n can smell their body odour... puh yoh.. killer. u would have shared my opinion too.

wat a bunch of obnoxious teens.

finally i m home. here writing my blog.. wat a relief.. huh.


oh. i bought a book.


:)

...yea.. wilbur smith's RAGE.

rage is the word. ..


...back to personal stuffs... i felt as if a part of me had died. when he said that. just never expect myself to take this in too hard. i thought i could just forget wat he said n take it easy.. but i can't. .. i even find it hard.. to say the obvious.

i just read lie yuens' blog. i m glad she is glad. hehe.

wanted to see hidalgo today!!!! sob.,...dun have people wanna see with me.......................................

saw a chinese film... it was... i dunno. hehe. but better than horror movies.

hope me n my friends can hang out more often.

LACK OF IMPRESSION, QUALITY AND SELF S-TEEM.

here i go chanting crimes and passion in my blog again.. and it generates hatred..from people. towards me.

but i can't help it.. can't help being bitchy n slutty and all.


ok. enough self depression. lets get things going.


topic of the day. ~

How to Determine Whether Your Long-Distance Relationship Is Working
You spend your weekends in planes or on the road, and your phone bill is higher than your rent. How do you figure out if your relationship is worth the effort?

Steps:
1. Ask yourself how much passion you feel for the other person. Do you eagerly anticipate visits, e-mail and phone calls? Or is making contact a chore?

2. Consider how much attention you give your partner. Do you return e-mail promptly? Do you call when you say you will?

3. Think about how your partner treats you. Is your partner putting as much effort into the relationship as you are? Do you feel cherished? Taken for granted? Neglected?

4. Consider how often you see each other. Do you visit as often as you can? If you frequently choose to spend your time and money on other priorities, you may need to question how important this relationship is to you.

5. Ask yourself whether you trust the other person. Do you feel suspicious about activities or friendships when you're apart? Trust is important in any relationship, but when you're far away, it's even more crucial.

6. Think about the way the two of you communicate. Are you honest and open with each other? Can you be yourselves when you're together? Do you share the day-to-day details of your lives?

7. Consider to what extent your lives are intertwined. Although you're bound to have separate social lives, it's a good sign if you know each other's new friends.

8. Be honest with yourself about why you're in this relationship. Are you motivated by a fear of being alone?

9. Consider your future plans. Do you discuss living in the same city in the future? Do you have a concrete strategy for achieving that?

10. Ask yourself whether your life apart from the other person is more interesting than being together. If so, it may be time to move on.

sometimes i hate to see all the flaws i commited, just like how i see a scene of a movie. of a murderer holding a knife n slashing away at the victim. in my case... of me being cruel and saying things that i never thought that i would ever say it out loud.

it reminds me that i m just the materialistic, hardcore rude kinda girl that i really am but tried to be an innocent pure girl. sometimes what i thought i m, may not be exactly wat i m.. is that right?

.. but there are also times i thought we are perfect for each other... our defects in life are the same.


its all my fault.

nowadays...which is really rare... i actually get ideas bout wat to write in my blog. there is a certain blog out there written by a certain someone with good english, with OOMMPH! that relightens my memory and my own OOMMPH!.. it gave me the anger and the humour that is needed for me to spill it all out in the most effective way.
now i m not going to name the blog because
1. it is not relevant.
2. the blog is not mine to circulate.
3. i found the blog while i surfed, no lies bout that. aint nobody that i know. aint no friend.
4. i like to keep the good stuffs to myself.


i m thankful really.

ok. i do have trouble. trouble conifining the huge and short temper of mine in the tiny little box inside me.

i was blinded by my own desires. maybe sexual. maybe just some childish fantasies. blinded so much that stupid plans came up to support the happenings of my fantasies.
and when all that i planned failed in the worst way, i blew.

perhaps i m hurt upset. angry. or watever feeling there is. but i m curious, curious y i put aside all these feelings to care for his feelings first. i chose to keep my mouth shut for the longest time i can managed to.

its that we are both different kind of species... it seems. i dunno. its not as if i m thinking this way, i have always thought that we were both kinda.... united.. if u know wat i mean..


but. BUT. .. i guess the lack of understanding makes things tougher.


eventhough wat is said may not be lies.. but i know that deep down inside.. i m the one who doesn't deserve him. not the other way round. n i m the one not good enough for him.

i m not jumping to conclusions .. i have been thinking like this for the past few months already.

i don't know. perhaps no matter how i try i m never going to be good enough.


- if we are willing to hold on and never give up on each other, a miracle will truly happen. -

i just wanna find a place to belong... i dun belong in this family anymore. i dun belong to my dead mother's side of her family.. i dun belong anywhere...

if taking care of my sis meant making all of them hate me n find faults in in i rather not give a damn bout her.

i m so sick of every damn fault they find in me.

now there she goes again. just few secs ago.. i carried my bro cuz he was crying... n when he was in my arms.. he stopped. n she told me not to carried him cuz he might puke out milk.

i put him down n he cried again.


wat the fuck!


if i dun give a damn, they will say this too. if i do give a damn, they find faults in every damn i give in this family. from the fish to the dish n from the sis to her sick.



i brought my sis out for swimming.. wat did i get? .. an accusation that i caused her flu n cough which came 3 days after the swim. how is that fucking related?

everytime i bring my sis up to bed. everything i did or din do become an issue.. if i wipe her body, she will say that she bathe liao.. there'll be no need.

only after i bring her up to the room,she started listing all sort of things i forgotten to do. the jacket. the socks. her urine.

.. yea. n they say i dun give a damn in the family. how could i give a damn when everything i do is wrong.



like last time.. tried to offer to cook but got shooed away from the kitchen.

they dun trust me with everything i do. everything i do, they will recheck. what the fuck. like when i lost my IC, i went to the police station n i got told that i dun have to make a report.

i told this to my parents... they dun fucking believe. wat they do? they make numerous phone calls hoping to prove me wrong.



everytime she got sick... i get blamed for it. for feeding her chocolates../ ice cream... hot stuffs...


yea.. she will get cough easily. canno eat cold stuffs... she give then no problem. if i give her eat, then all the blame comes to me.

yea.. she cannot shit come out, so cannot eat hot/fried stuffs... suddenly all the hot dogs n hams n frensh fries seemed like my fault liao.


hot cannot. cold cannot. fried cannot.. eat wat? eat shit.


my sis just now went up to my stepmom ..and said.." sis is sick"

wa. yesterday.. midnight also bring her daughter go out see doc. now i sick who the fuck cares?

n u know what she do when my sis tell her that? she give a "mm" n walk away.
my throat pain like hell..my body so hot n pain all over. who cares. who bring me see doctor.!!

my sis cannot shit. wat happened? buy enema for her. maid n me watch her shit in that stinky toilet room.

i cannot shit wat happened? i screamed in my own toilet room. who come n ask wat happen? no one.

then in the morning..tell my dad bout it. get wat? get scolding.

everytime eat sushi must come back and say eat macdonald or chicken rice. eat western food must say eat mamak.
buy things for me must say i pay half.. he pay half.
buy this fucking laptop say my godfather sponsor all. but actually he pay half. godfather pay half.

wat i dun fucking understand is the things he bought for me. though i lost them i still go to all ends to get it back for myself. today i bought back the sunglasses he bought for me but i lost.

wat for??? i also dun understand.


if he can't love me infront of everybody why bother to love me at all!!!!??
if she can't accept me in front of the public why can't she just be stratightforward bout it.. instead of saying bad things bout me to my sis.!!

felt as if i m the ugliest person in this world.

..i dunno y... everytime when i give too much, did too much. said too much...it all comes back to me being hurt.

.. y must all this happen only when i have started to give everything i have got in this relationship.

BAD AdMISSIONS

i m sure by now almost everyone out there have been to a certain hopeful dream college or university, impressed by the advertisements../ mouth-to-mouth says by others, n expecting some quality treatment by the hoard of cows that manage a certain institution.

n i m also very sure at least 3/5 of u guys n gals out there have been mistreated in one way or the other. which despite the fact that the hoard of stupid cows are desperate for business n money to put food on their own table, they can't help being rude or stop themselves from belittling us little folks out here.


what a hoard of commoners. n to hide the fact that if we did choose their pathetic institution, we would be paying their god damn salary n feeding their hoard of baby pigs n cows...why the hell must we put up with their mistreatment n still go to their institute?


CASE 1
as first timers to a university's Open Day. a certain couplet was eager n impressed by the show they were monkeying around with that they decided to get the application form. they got it n tried to left. but they were stopped rudely..n demanded that they pay a miserable 10 bucks whome they of cos were misunderstood they tried to get it for free. n to top things up, a certain malay lady who seemed to think that no one else except her, understand the language shbe was saying started cursing n talking bout god regarding the couplet.

n the couplet was still sweet n happy bout everything.

what pathetic cows of rudeness.


CASE 2
in a college which is famous for its popularity of chinese students... which implements the usage of mandarin college-wide, which includes both lecturers n students is really a disgrace to those who is english educated.
but of cos, other than the language it is quite famous for its courses which is the main ingredient of its otherwise failing recipe, a certain person went to the admissions during the Open Day as well.. requesting for counselling, which resulted in a mandarin-speaking-geek cum lecturer repeating... 'wo bu zhi dao' for the last 14 mins regarding any subject matter.

which isn't important enough, cuz that certain person went to the counter n got a application form.. when that person started to leave, she was suddenly requested to pay 10 bucks.
she happily filled in the application form, which she handed in to the counter again there after.

she was suddenly requested to pay another 15 bucks. dropping all courtesy n formal manners, she insisted on taking the app. form back home first.


y must everybody be sweet n nice to those who think that they are great n better off.

OHFUCK IT. IF THEY ARE SO GREAT, THEY WOULDN'T BE BURIED IN THE TOMB OF COLLEGE BEING A LOWLY COMMON TEACHER INSTEAD OF EARNING BETTER BUCKS IN OTHER FIELDS. N WE ARE PAYING THEIR ASS TO BE WASHED.


CASE 3
a certain admissions persona was retelling n retolding the faults of a certain customers over n over again .. over n over again..non stop. when all courtesy was dropped m the customer just tell him to shut up n tell him wat must he do.



ALL COMPLAINING N NO SOLUTIONS. WAT LOW CLASS COMMONERS. LOUSY SERVICE.

MY ANGEL

diary

sometimes when the love grows too much and too fast.. i tend to be afraid that i'll lose him. that he might not be talking to me the next day. that he might not be here anymore.

i m sure i will never be able to find someone else who will love me like he does. he is the only one that deserves all the love that i m willing to give. so when he said that he isn't worth it, i can't quite understand.


eventhough we r not close by now... i m not the least upset.. i do not know y...


he is the only one who is able to tolerate all the weird ways of mine n even made them into praises...

it seemed impossible, i talked to him almost every 10 hours once... n i still wanna talk to him n know him more... n of cos... we can talk of the same thing over n over again without getting bored.. :p.. he knows wat i mean.

i really can't live without him in my life...

i m beginning to love him more n more..yet i m afraid my future would not have him.. but right now... i'll do my best..

dear diary

there are times when i felt overwhelmed by my strong feelings for him. like right now, i felt that i can't quite contain the huge amount of love i felt for him in my body n soul. felt them pouring out.

wat m i talking bout.

so this is love.

.. i m so bored at home. can't do anything on my pc cuz of all those virus in it. tomoro i be sending the pc to my dad's office to fet it cleared.

oh yea. bout the bad incident. its time i post it here to warn the other girls.


its like this. that day it was 9 pm. me n cheng yee took the train back to her house. reached there bout 9.30
then i go opposite the road to catch the bus.

time passed.. 10 pm. no bus.... 10.30 ..still no bus.. i was getting restless. in fact all the people there are getting restless.

... the next bus came.. still not the one i m looking for. no choice i had to get a taxi.

the taxis.. have a deadly dangerous aura bout them that i dun dare to go into. i have my penknife with me.

i inevitably got into one of them. i had no choice. its a malay man with a turban. i was still holding my knife when i sat down.

as usual.. like all the other taxi drivers.. he talked bout the traffic.. i did not respond.

then he asked me where is the place i m going. i told him somewhere near ketumbar heights..

then he asked me.. do i have a bf.

i din know how to answer.. cuz that time, we broke up.. n all those happenings.. but i said i have a bf. its much safer this way.

n he kept quiet.


suddenly, when he came to the road up the hill to my house.. he said...(in malay) " miss, i like chinese girls. chinese girls very pretty."

i kept quiet.

he continued talking..."miss, do u know where to find chinese girls?"

.. i was silent for a while.. then i said " i dunno, on the street lor!"


then he continue " chinese girls very fair, very pretty"

i din say anything.

he continue " miss, u r very pretty"


ALARM BELLS RINGGGGGG!!! in my head liao.
i said "i m not pretty"


he continue "i wanna find you sometime."

i keep quiet for a long time.. i pulled out the knife from the penknife.

he laughed n said.. "so how?"


i said," GO STRAIGHT"

because we were going uphill.. n still no turning. i changed the subject n told him to go straight.

fuck! i was damn scared. n i was wearing a L size t shirt with pants only. dunno wat he sees in me also.


suddenly he said." miss, u r very fair"

i was really shocked n i snapped back at him rudely " i m dark. not fair"
i was thinking.. u dun have to go this far to get a piece of cunt. just fucking go to chow kit n get some whores to stuff ur mouth wtih their cunts.


and do u know wat the mother fucker did? he turned around n tried to touch my leg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my knife was there. i hold it n tell him to back off.


thank god. thank god he backed off.


n its not me thats thanking god. its him. cuz he will be stabbed by my knife if he continue to advance.



and he still have guts to said that HIS WIFE WOULD BE MAD IF SHE FOUND OUT BOUT THIS!!

wat the fuck!!!.

i got out of the taxi. after i paid him, i practically snatched the change back without touching his hand.. oh its so disgusting!!!!!!

i ran all the way back home. my dad was furious to see the knife in my hand. he scolded me non stop.


so to all the girls out there. get a penknife or a pepper spray!!!

GIRL POWER!