haze

HELPLESSNESS

thats wat i feel after wat happened today... hmm today..

today.. i was supposed to spend the day with either mun hong..., hock chuan or chin kuan n cheng yee.. but it turns out i went out with neither one of them

i went out with my dad instead... to take care of my mmu stuffs. went for the medical check up.. and the stupid doctor touched me all over.. he pressed n pushed.. n touched. oh it felt horrible... yep. confirmed liao.. positive results.


then went back to my school.. for some certification of my certs copies... n guess who i saw? weng hong n wei ren.. of cos.. they pretended not to see me.. but when i was out of sight.. i think they told jia jun i m there.. n the next thing i know.. he's at the office outside talking to me.. bla bla.. asked a few formalities.. how r u.. go which university.. n he subtly hinted to me...'my cousins' here u know..'
yea.. of cos i know.. of cos i know. i saw them.

wei ren was the guy i paired up with in wilson's party..


anyway.. back to more personal stuffs..

my instinct tells me to wait til his parents go abroad in 3rd april..it also tells me that his dad might be using the hp line.. n that he is busy spending time with his parents .. so busy that he is tired when he got back home everynight.. too busy to even contact me.

yea.. in my heart.. i m making all sorts of excuses for him.. trying to tell myself that he still loves me..


everyone who knows me know that if they treat me good... i treat them good.. but if they treat me bad..i treat them bad..unless if they are my close ones... my dear friends or him..
but i think this gotta change.. gotta protect myself more... protect myself from being a fool.. being hurt.. n protect myself from him.


i know he have a reason for this.. his own reasons. his own decisions. did he ever care bout me. i really love him
perhaps he's afraid when i go mmu?... .. yea.. afraid i would leave him for another guy...n yet now he is leaving me.
perhaps he felt he isn't good enough?.. pls la... we all know down inside i m the one not good enough.
perhaps he doesn't wanna get into trouble with his parents?... ...then.. m i not more important?
perhaps..perhaps what?.. i felt like going insane... i m crazy i know..n i scares him.
perhaps he hate me for the way i m..?.. yea.. but i wonder why i never hate him..
perhaps i mistreated him in sg??..... apart from reluctance n shyness,..wat did i do wrong?'

i m running out of excuses..
he promised he would not ignore me.. promised he would not leave me.



maybe.. .. now i know why.
..maybe the reason being he did not wanna have sex with me...cuz he felt i m not the one for him.

is this it?.. .. yea.. maybe it is..

then i think.. i really think.. think that i m not good enough for him.






amazing how many conclusions i can jump to.
..sigh.


they say girls are softhearted.. much more than guys..

well..i remember telling him..." i m much tougher than u think."

I WILL SURVIVE.