haze

GUILT


sigh. in a days time.. it would be my dad's bday. n in 16 days time its my sis bday. n in 11 dyas time its my mom bday.

n i have no money to get them anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well.. its not such a big problem.. but my dad expects me to get him something form sg.. cuz i did not get him any souvenirs.. not that i dun wanna get him anything..just that i dunno wat he likes.


god. n if i dun give him anything of high value, he would ask for the 450 sg bucks .. its complicated.


wat m i to get him???????????????????


i m so upset... everythings such a jumble right now.

n seriously, i dun wanna get anything for him.. he doesn't deserve it.
cruel..m i?.. well. he shouldn't have told me not to hold my sis hand. n he shouldn't always be such a egomaniac n tell me how to play a game. when it is I who taught him how to play in the first place.

christ.


sometimes he can be such a pain..

that day. he was telling me bout his mistress getting married. n he told me that once, she asked him to start a family with her. [meaning she wants him to plant a seed in her, get her preggos n a child in her oven]

when he said that.. my mind started racing. if she could ask something like that, he must have made her expect that he would divorce my stepmom n marry her instead.

i hate him.
i really do.

how can a guy give all the hopes n promises n unsaid promises to a single clean n pure lady n then tarnish n dirty her.. when he didn't expect himself to make any sacrifices for her at all.
n this innocent lady would expects n hopes more of him.. n even stop herself from marrying. n tolerate the nominality of 'mistress', 'third party'. tolerate the pain of not belonging n not possessing.

sometimes girls can be so stupid n softhearted.
n guys are such ass holes. even my father.

right now i lost all confidence in every single guy in the world. look at my dad?


maybe i should be a lesbian too.

-----------------------

back to happier stuffs..i got my first paycheck!!!!!!! woohoo!... eventhough only 50 bucks.. hehe...

50 bucks for 2 pages of artwork..hmm..

well... i can't have him back.. but at least i m giving him wat he wants.. study hard n work hard.


maybe he'll even come back?..

i m getting too optimistic.............


listening to.. plus one's here in my heart... thanks to jj who intro this song. its a MUSTs download.. makes me feel safe n warm once more... the happy n good memories.


feeling uncertain.