BECAUSE I M A GIRL

I just cant understand the hearts of men
they tell you they want you and then they leave you
this is the first time, you're special
I believed those words and I was so happy

you should have told me you didn't like me any more
but I couldn't see that and you just rushed me
although I will curse you I'll still miss you
since I am a girl, to whom love is everything

i heard that if you give up things too easily
to a man, he will get bored with you
i don't think this is wrong
a girl says that she will never be fooled again
but she will fall in love again

you should have told me you didn't like me any more
but I couldn't see that and you just rushed me
although I will curse you I'll still miss you
since I am a girl, to whom love is everything

Hey babe
the pain
it's not enough to describe how i feel
we were so happy together
but I know now
I've been blind
you told me that you'd never let me down
whenever I needed you you'd always be here
I can forgive but I cant forget
even though you hurt me
I still love you
I still love you


don't take advantage of a girl's willingness to do anything for love
and her caring instinct
i didn't know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard
although i will curse you i'll still miss you
since i am a girl, to whom love is everything
although i will curse you i'll still miss you
since i am a girl, to whom love is everything

CHENG YEE"S POST...(glad u found happiness..i m proud of u

Tuesday, April 27, 2004


21/4/2004
=round 4.30pm, he walked in towards me, a silly smile just like what i've asked..
think he felt kinda uneasy, not sure whther it's cuz of embarrasment or a sign of dissapointment..
said he'll pick me up after work..

=different from the picture in my head, way much taller, lil darker, and a lil hunchback: not exactly dissapointed, cuz have already prepared for the worst to come..told myself million of times that i should and will love him for the way he is, and i've done it..
question:who am i to care about people's appearance anyway??
answer:NO ONE
wonder what'll he think of me from that glance..

=was expression-less from that moment onwards in mimo, sms-ed him while Wee Ting is having break in the store room
cherry:hui hen se wang ma?
jun ye:bu hui shuo, bu xiang shuo, bu gan shuo, jing wan zai shuo:(

made it very clear dy huh?...



22/4/2004

=woke up with him right beside me.. how i wish it would just last a little bit longer..
qi shi zui pa de jiu shi suo you de dong xi dou rong hua chen yi ge mong jing, zui mei de yi
ran shi zui bu zhen shi de..

it was so real.. cuz i can feel him, feel his touch, feel him melting my chilling fingers.. it can be so beautiful.. but why cant it last? everything's the same.. when you have it, you'll be begging for more, and as for me, i just want to close my eyes and be in the dream never wanting to wake up if it can be possible.. never wanting it to reach the end..

=was confused.. what's between us is not distance, but appearance. He can be so cold to me when we're outside.. am i being sensitive? or it's the fact? i can feel eyes glaring at us, i know im too short and he's a lil bit too tall.. but why cant they just keep their fucking eyes off us? it makes him staying away.. not wanting to be close with me.. or was it cuz i'm really that ugly... ugly...

completely different from the him inside... and yet, he still loves me,which i made myself believe..

=never shed a single tear for a guy, NO, cuz it was never worth it.. but i broke my own rule,when i was to think that he wont be right here tomorrow, and another tomorrow's tomorrow, and so many tomorrow's to come..
as if we're being sent back to how we've used to be.. was afraid, scared, that it may be the first, and yet the last, like how it have always used to be.. making everything looked so beautiful, and ended up right there, as if nothing ever happened..


23/4/2004
a LAST long lasting kiss, ever so passionate.. like it'll never end.. but it did..
i'll remember every single word you've told me, like a little child.. sometimes so innocent, and naive..

won't deny that i'm still hesitating on what you felt about and for me, but was a part of me kept telling myself it was true.. everything.. including you..

23-Apr-04 11:40
From:cherry
wo ai ni

23-Apr-04 11:51
From:Jun ye
Love u forever

`-._.-`MMU ORIENTATION WEEK`-._.-`

HAZE=YEN
i actually got everyone to call me Haze........wooohoo!!..haha..


OPENING CEREMONY
all of us freshies n newbies get to learn 2 songs.. berjaya mmu n permata dunia.. permata dunia rocks man.. it really really rocks... n the opening ceremony is done thru a video conference with the malacca campus.. wherer theres 3 video cam moving n spying n zooming on all of us.. we were reminded vvvv often not to fall asleep.. for when the video cam zooms in on us.. we r busted.


COPING WITH HECTIC SCHEDULE
for practically every day.. we had to wake up at 6 am..sleep at 3 am... with sports everyday at 6 opm.. briefings in the day.. n LDK sessions...which we are separated into 20 groups for group activity everyday at 8 - 11.45 pm.


LAUNDRY, BATHING, n CLEANLINESS
waking up is not a problem..
me and my room mates found a vvv strategic place on the top most floor where NO ONE goes for our bathing n laundry... me n another roomate share the brush.. i brought my own soapies.. n we bath in separate rooms...

the room i m staying in is such a sad sight when i first saw it.. but i got used to it...


ROOM MATES
theres audrey..the sabahan.. cool gal that one.. she;s in the same group with me.. fortunately.. n then there's Fel.. the alien.. haha.. she is weird.. really.. haha.. but we really hit it off.. n always we were ballowing n hallowing with laughter in our rooms.. even when we r out of energy..
audrey is 19... n fel is 17.. n i m in between..


FIRST LDK
for every group...theres 2 OCs(orieatation commitee ..whom are all our seniors).. my OCs is Joanne.. Rafi.. n Hairie..
they are all cool.. n there are quite a number of us.. there.. we had an ice breaking session whome we intro ourselves.. n everyone tries to remember everyone's name n say them out.. so i almost remember them.. um..except for the malaysa who join us later because they had to go for praying..
ok.. if i remember correctly.. that night..there;s.. Don aka Donni-M (we got that for him..haha), Daru-M, Ragu-M, Chua-F, Kenis-F, ye hui-F, audrey-F, me-of cos Female..., shalini-F, nandini-F, Steven aka stephen.. i dunno-M, Andy-M,Jeffrey-M,........um.. somore...um..who.. Oh yea.. samuel.-M..n Min-M
seems like alot of guys.. but when the malays came in..wow.
Hani-F...sabrina-f..n like 12 more girls.. n i think7 more guys..malay..

ragu was made leader.. n hani the ass. leader.. haha...


TURTLES n RATS

all 3 of us rommies were in our room.. n audrey was on the table eating Fel's cookies.. me up on the double decker bed.. n Fel on the floor...

me-we really need a broom.. the floors getting dirty
fel-..hm..yeala.. we need one.. its dirty..later got turtles n rats
me-yeala...


.............

audrey looked at me.. i looked back at her..then at fel

me-turtles???
fel-turtles??
audrey-turtles??

and then me n audrey started laughing like mad women.. fel looked at us with a weird expression..

in the midst of laughter.. i forced out..- y turtles? dirty where got turtles????

fel- wat? wat turtles?
me-just now u said turtles???
fel- NO la..................
me n audrey- YES!. turtles n rats!!
fel-no.. i said.. DIRTS n HAIRS!!!

n we all started hallowing with laughter madly again.. for full 20 mins.

god.



ORIENTATION COMMITEE

ok.. love them..or hate them.. they r crazy..we first thought.. waking us up at 6.. letting us up at 12 am..
but then again..they had to wake up earlier to wake us up.. n sleep later than us.

there's this irritating OC named Thiaku..our so called..disciplinary master.. kept driving us hell bent.
one night.. he wouldn't let us in to the MPH( multi purpose hall) n he said "u all have to say.."OC please let us in.. n guide us"

n everyone said like... 10 000 times until crazy.. of cos.. some din say.. like me..

wat r we? beggars?



FRIENDS
ok audreys in. fel's in. hani's in. kenis..chua.. shalini..
for guys.. samuel..jeffrey steven aka stephen...still dunno. n ragu. n chan..

audrey-cool...outgoing.. smart.. great. kind. all positives.. real comforter... n wacko at times.. haha..killing peeps with her laughter.. n she was in the sabah gymnastics team too.. cool huh
fel-wacko. definitely wacko..haha..she lent me her brush when i do laundry with her..
always listen wrongly.. or we listen to her words wrongly..
i once asked her in the toilet..."are u still bathing?"
n she started rattling bout guys.. n relationships until i got confused n asked her wat i sasked her..she said " i thought u ask me.. m i still DATING.''
....
hani-sweet malay girl.. wears blue contact lenses.. looks real barbie like..
kenis-nice girl there
chua-same
shalini-pretty indian girl.. me n her got the same shirt from googles..haha.. hers was red..n mine was blue
samuel-kindhearted n warm.. for further info go to VOICELESS
jeffrey-vvvvvv fair. white like hell. i mean.. like powder. until his face shines with brightness..hahaha. nothing else liao
steven aka stepehn-a vvvvv straight guy. wacko n teams up with audrey all the time..honest n smart n helpful. the man of our group. haha
ragu-our group leader.. always loses stuffs n get called up to the stage to get them back so often that everyone of us know his full name ragunathan
chan-audrey's tour guide when she first came here..
n for me.. met him when i took back the orientation kit(consist of a bag.. with clothes n books) my dad slipped newspapers inside. n his packet of cigarretes n lighter.

the cigarretes i did not know.. n people were looking at me one kind.. they thought i smoked cuz it was in the bag.. n i held them with my hand with the new orientation kit.. when i went out.. chan came up to me n tell me not to SHOW my cigarretes around..
arghW@@#!.. i do not smoke.. i explained n explained. i doubt he believes.. dun care .

but its cool.. during dinner n lunches..he will come over to chat up audrey.. oh. he's one of the OCs.



VOICELESS
one of the night of LDK.. we were called to do a performance.. n i was made secretary.. n i had to shout.. n i lost my voice.

lost it.
all.

then later at night.. when samuel was chatting up audrey bout their churches.. n watzits.. he offered to bring some kinda mouth spray for me.. said that it will help.. n sure did. it felt better.. but no sound.. n i only had it for a few hours.. n a nother one more time the next day.

but still no voice until now. 4 days liao. can't talk. can't sing. sound like a hag.




PERFORMANCE of GROUP 7 n GROUP 14

we grouped up with 14 to do the snow white.

our performance..snow white in a twist. hani the iranian guy was made snow white. audrey the handseom price.. me the planners together with hani..steven aka stephen..still dunno.. n ragu too.
putri anissa from 14 was made narrator.. n steven aka stephen too. me too la.. actually in the end.. haha.. more later.

theres the sound effects team.. then.. narrators.. scriptwriters.. props..prop design-ME!...actors...stage hands.. peeps acting as tress..rabbits.. stuffs..n costumes..


ok. the catch is. all of us did not sleep the whole damn night. just doing the performance. n it is that night i lost my voice.
we made the snow white costume.. its blue t shirt ..cut the sleeves off.. n littles strips lower down.. for the dress.. yea.. a guy wearing a dress..haha... he looked really pretty.. muahahaha..
ok..for the dress.. made it with dustbin bags..those blue ones....

for props.. i did tree signs.. n scenes signs.. n the gun for the hunter..

audrey did the music..


performance night.. i came up with an idea.. since my damn voice sounds like a hag.. why not i be the hag?
so i talked to the narattors.. n they gave me the part for evil stepmother..cuz my voice suits it..

cool huh..

n then putri annissa suddenly made me the scene girl..who..just bring the scene pictures(those black n white scene things that directors held n yelled"ACTION!!" or "CUT!!") in to the stage.. there are 4 scenes... so i got in from the left side n out to the right.. then backstage make it back to the left side.. n bring the next scene in.. for 4 damn times.. so tiring...

i just had to hold up the scene thing i did..for the audiences to read.. n everyone was like whistling n making obsene sucking noises when i got onto the stage.. duh...


n guess wat? out of 10 groups.

we got FIRST..

woohoo...hamper ..hamper..hehe...got sparkling juice..

divided the stuffs up..cool..

n celebrated a little.. n steven aka stephen the vvvstraight guy.. informed everyone that i was the one making the props..cuz no one notices that fact..

man of the group. ( ?? ?? ?? \(^ o ^)? )



NAUGHTY

me n fel ponteng... made up excuses.. n head off back to the hostel.. n slept.. but fel got guilty n went back..while i slept like a log.. then audrey had to leave cuz she'll be staying in another apartment..n i helped her carry things..she left a postcard for me... with sweet words.. awww... wat a girl.

then at night.. since everything is over.. closing ceremony done.. me n fel decided to go out after bathing n laundry.. n go out we did.. but.. aih.. din make it in time for the last bus.. it was vv late at night then.. n we managed to get a taxi.. who fel chatted up.. no..i mean.. LIED to. she said that we are from PERAK n that we need to buy books n we got lost.. n all sorts of shit.

aih. back at the campus.. we go for mamak.. i chatted up the indian lady..n fel ate her maggi mee goreng..

then..got back up to room.. fel slept while i design my website.. sorry everybody..still can't online YET.. hold on yea..

then.. um.. i went back down to foodcourt..meet some people that called me up.. had a talk.. n went back up feeling all weird.


THE PAST

was lonely the whole orientation.. kept calling him. ..he picked up during when i had no voice.. he sounded scared of that fact..

can't let go...

but when the next day came.. n i called again.. he did not pick up.
n another day i didn't really wanna care.

missing my friends..



NOW
at pc lab.. verifying courses...
going home later...steven aka stephen was supposed to send me back cuz he is staying nearby.. but he's leaving in the evening.. so i m going back myself........yawn.....
more bags..

voice still not back.
will be in my house from tonight friday til tuesday.
peeps.. keep in touch yea...


miss u all..
moving on..or at least..trying to.

MMU REGISTRATION DAY N ORIENTATION WEEK

hey...everyone.. wats up....bad news bad luck. hate it. setest it. n miss u all.

ok.. i thought its just gonna be a registration day..where i JUST register. but no. i found on exactly on 11 am that i need to pack ALL my stuffs n go STAY in MMU by 3 pm.

so me n my dad rushed to JJ to buy all the last minute stuffs... clothings... extras...extras...n spent like 500++ like that.. but we had voucherzs.. so no need to pay anything at all.. i got lots of t shirts now... stockings.. new pair of shoes..

i brought alll my jeans there.. n then damn . i found out.. i can't wear any of them at all. wat a bummer.

so now i wear my black pants.. then next day black skirt..next day..black pants.. next day..black skirt..bla bla goes on..

n all must be collared t shirts.. but luckily joanne said that i could wear turtle necks... phew..

okok


INTRO
AUDREY - roommate... cool girl from Sabah... talk cools too.. totally in command.. kind too.. for now. haha
PHEL - roomate ... girl from klang.. had a japa scholarship.. i think.. vv independant.
JOANNE-my OC. orientation comittee incharge of my group. i m in group 7. thank god audrey is in it too.


update next time. gtg

UNexplained. UNsolved. Cold. NEglected.


wat happens when a case goes unsolved in ur life? or a certain incident?.. its always there at the back of your mind.. plaguing you.. gnawing at ur attention..demanding justice, time n decisions.

ok. so i have neglected to think, feel, care or decided on love at all for the past week. which explains the absense of my boring droning of my love life recently.

y would someone ignore something so beautiful yet so mysterious..


the beginning of the week, i thought i have let go. let go of him, of the love, of my feelings, of us, of our future. supported by many reasons whom i thought reasonable. reasons like i dun feel the chest pain whenever i think of him anymore. n everytime my heart squeeze itself to remind me of him n the love i still have for him, my head automatically starts rewinding n replaying the scenes of the reasons he n i made to cause this break up n i found renewed strength to go on with my life alone. without him.


n yet.. i still remembered all those sweet times we had, in return i started to make up excuses for myself to accept him back n forgive him.. n felt my heart started to grow soft n all the strong resolve i had made earlier to move on melt into nothingness.
n of cos.. he was there.. online. giving me other reasons to ponder. n which still remains in my head now. don't u know u really mean alot to me? i changed the way i talked n acted like a pervert.. glad to see that now what i want has happened
ok.. so maybe he meant it.. or maybe he just said it to make up for the way he treated me when i got back from sg. i don't know. i really do not know.

but the effects of the words were there.. millions n millions of reflexes were popping up in my heart n head to make myself accept him back..i had to fought them all with rationality.

n now.. still ..there are millions n millions of reflexes trying to make myself get him back into my lonely life again n make it whole again.n i m getting weary of fighting them off... really weary n tired..

when we were still together, i felt weary n tired of explaining my reasons n myself to make him understand how i felt n how i thought... n now even after its over.. i felt weary n tired of forcing myself to act as if i don't give a damn bout him.


n the fact that we spent only 2 days together.. which in fact is actually a day with all the hours plused together makes it even harder for me to move on. everytime i get on my bed..my bolster automatically morphed into his body. N THAT MAKES ME CRAZY!!

n i would spent hours in the toilet sitting there.. doing watsoever.. rethinking.. remembering bout those 2 days. n then i would feel guilty to myself for indulging in forbidden pleasures... FORBIDDEN.


still...eventhough how hard i tried.. i can't change my habits.. the habit of waking up n immediately he's in my head. or seeing stars.. n immediately flashes of things he like..tiramisu..those songs he sent. or going to bed without that damn bolster morphing into him. n only a night ago, i was pouring my heart out n suddenly.. the familiar forgotten pain came back into my chest.. tugging it tightly.. reminding me that i still do love him. n i actually stopped crying n said "SHIT!" out loud into the silence of my room. i thought i would never felt that for him anymore. damn.

n before that.. i was browsing thru those CGs n emails he sent me long ago.. fixed to delete them... but..after seeing all of them.. i couldn't even delete one. not even the smses.. n i stumbled upon the eiffel tower cg.. stating meeting there when he's 25.


god........ n i somehow managed to smile with nostalgic pain.

i wonder when will i grow out of those habits.. grow out of him.. i wonder if i ever will.



HC told me once before that.. first love will always be something to regret for.. yea..i do regret. n i wished that he wasn't my first one.. then i would know how to act, n the proper things to do..to say to get to his heart.. n say the proper reasons of how he is the only one.. n stop all those catatrosphe a first time lover would make.. like all those i did made.


if theres ever a chance.. i would like to meet him again... not as yen .. but as someone else.. n he too.. as someone else..so that we could understand each other all over again.. for i somehow STILL felt that i have wronged him all these while n he had not really got to know the real me.


its funny how when talking.. its as simple as.. do u love him/her?
n its expected that if the answer..is "yes i love him/her." the assumption of i m a couple it there.

but things are not as simple as i love you or i don't love you.. it never was..

its amazing.. how many thousands other issues are taken into counting other than i love you/i don't love you.
n i think.. it is this thousand other issues that i have failed oh-so-terribly.


i m about to go into MMU already.. about to start anew..n i m having real problems with dumping my past. i do not wanna go thru MMU looking like a cold black fish like i did when i was in high school before i knew him.



n crazy thoughts have came into my mind..like FOLLOWING the prediction.. which will eventually leads to the marriage.. but..its ridiculous. if it doesn't come true. its double loss. double pain.


well.. i m going to go to bed.. hoping that my bolster won't morph into him again.. which is the probability of 1/1000.

ALONE AT HOME while they are in PD


i wanted to go so much>!!!..so much!!! argh.. damn the registration day. damn the early hours they set.. and damn myself for not being able to get a better scholarship to go to another better college/university.

the registration day is tomoro . 8.30 am til 12.00 pm. the weird thing is........ it was specified there in the letter, telling us to bring.. bedsheets... blanket.. pillow cases.... t shirt.. black skirt/long (now wat the heck does that means?.. it have to be black skirt..or black long?) their engish is terrible. n track bottoms.. track shoes.. for sports.

hey. its only the 25th. i dun go stay there until a week or two's time... y must i bring all those things there?... wat m i supposed to sleep in when i m back? .. weirdo.

n they even put.."and other nessecary items for daily consumption"... if i bring it there.. wat will i use here?


god.


they can be so senseless.




haha.. i haven't even start my classes n i already started critisizing it.... ok... i was a rebel in my high school..but i dun plan to be a rebel in MMU.. i wanna give others the impression of a sweet innocent girl................................


okok.. i know i m not. i could at least try...
haha...



ok... my dad broke my laptop.. those close to me should know by now...

i hate him for doing that. i will never ever forgive him. i just wanna finish my studies n get out of this dreaded house.

n my sis broke my tablet.n i made up my mind not to tell him about him..less he beats her up again.


can they all stop spoiling my things??????????????????????????


argh.

i reapplied for Astro's Xfresh job...... but i doubt TJ will check the emails..aih.. so i guess i'll have to call in tuesday morning n ask.


and.. my MESS site.. oh god... its all ruined. .. i mean.. now everyone can't view the pics.. only the thumbs. i spent such a long time designing the shit.....oh god....... n i uploaded my pics in so many different image hosting services..hoping that at least one of them allows external linking which none allows.


but i like the layout though.. n maybe i'll just stuff everything into layers in one single page.. wonder wat will happen if i do.? sounds.. impossible... but i m going to try it once i m free... so don't hope any new cgs will be up.. cuz my tablet pen is BENDABLE .. due to my sis..kind work.

those who are so kind.. have a look at my MESS.. n gimme suggestions...k?


thanks a bunch.


feeling..... flabbergasted.

in a "i don't care, i don't wanna care, i m not going to care" attitude bout tomoro's registration day. yea i know it marks my new life.. new beginning.. new friends. heck. dun care. dun wanna care. not going to care.


n so be it.

HMPH.

DISHONESTY n' DISHONOUR


..i told my dad the truth.. n he said he was disappointed with me.. n that he didn't know which one i m saying is the truth or not....

yeap. i dishonoured him... but i m glad i told him... everythings over. i can finally move on...


tell me i did it correct will ya.

DEADMEAT


no money. to return to my dad. the 1000 bucks../450 sg dollars.. shit. shit shit. he's asking.

oh god..people can be so desperate.. i wanna vomit in disgust....ugh

HECK. I M BACK

i m back. bitch n honest n brutal n all. woo hoo!.. though a solitude.


ok.. mmu registration is this sunday.. n my dad have not even phone his friend regarding the facilities problem...............................the last thing i want is to end up in singapore polytechnic ..

updates.. these few days just being a pig snoring n searching for the sleeping god in my dreams..


people can be so shallow..................... ok. i know that there are bitches n sluts n bastards n jerks n geeks n nerds in this world, but other sane people doesn't have to go around talking bout them, publicising them negatively all the time. they are just different. we are all different.

n wats the whole issue bout looks? looks changes. personality changes. watever changes. so how can we look at someone n decide they are right for us when all we get is the bubbling unstable chemical reactions whenever we see someone handsome or pretty....?


i can't pretend that i m not shallow.. that i do not critisize those that are different... but some times my efforts seemed to be so lame cuz i was trying to fit in. all i wanna do i shut up n let the others talk without someone telling me i m sobbing up the atmosphere.


yea. i used to be talkative.. i still is.. only to a few people now. i used to be a joker. i rarely is now. i used to be vvv open with wat i think. i never is now.

now i m just like a limp half dead flower with curlin' petals. its funny how someone could change so much just in a short amount of time, for someone else.

yea, i thought that he was the one for me. man, i still think he is. but i can't see myself going on with him anymore. the pressure was on me all the time now. n i m taking punches from everybody else in my world n his world. punches that forces me to back away from him. to back away from love.

n now i myself is forcing myself to back away from him.


nothing. nothing will ever make me take him back. unless a huge miracle happens. n if that do, u can see snow falling outside a malaysian street. then u'll know i have taken him back.

FULL STOP


you mixed me up for someone who would fall apart without you... you broke my heart for the first time but i'll get over that too. its hard to find the reasons, who can see the rhyme?? i guessed that we were seasoned out of time and i guessed you didn't know me. at all.

if u think love is blind, that i wouldn't see the flaws between the lines. surprised that i caught you out on every single time that you lied? did u think that everytime i see you i would cry??
no. not me. not i.

the story goes on without you and theres gotta be another ending but u broke my heart, it won't be the last time but i'll get over them too. as a new door opens we close the ones behind n if u search ur soul i know you'll find u never really knew me.

all that you said to me, all that u promised me.. all of the mystery.. i never did believe. i never will cry, no. not me.. not i.

look who's blogging...
its me. yep. me.

feeling bored.. but full of projects n cgs to be done to satisfy myself.

lost all hope. has given up..

I hear an echo through the aching distance...I know your injured voice. i know it, cuz i feel the pain of it. it tears into my heart.. n scratches it so deeply..
You stand behind this wall of ice between us...I guess you had no choice..i understand the need for you to hide...i must have torn u apart..i must have shattered your defences.

You had to save yourself, I understand..You're afraid to put your heart into my careless hands...i m sorry for all the betrays...but they're so much stronger now...and if only you could find a way somehow to trust in me..

I won't let go..i won't.. If you're in need pls..i beg u..hold on to me..just hold me.. n cry if u want to.
I won't let you go this time...

Sometimes a foolish heart will try to travel faster than the speed of grace..into the den's of love and pain..
It's like we try to ride off into the sunset and fall off into space..oh i m so sorry darling... for the promises that have gone wrong.

I realized what I had done when I almost let you crash into the sun..
You were only reaching out..I will never let you down that way again..but will you give me another chance?

I won't let go..
I will not let go

Hey sister SOUL sister GOLD!!


today i did the worst thing possible. i rammed my mom's car into the pillar when i was reversing..

of cos..the reason of using the car was conveniently forgotten.

okok.. i was bout to go out buy her a bday present. which.. obviously did not happen.


as i lament n lament bout the dent n the scratches... i even went online to search for do-it-yourself repairs... n even lament to him about the situation...

n even my sister tried to console me ...( Daddy only wil scold u for a day only, but he scold me everyday.. Don't worry.. if u r alone i come find u la.. then daddy won't ma ma..)

.. god. she's only 6.


wat a sister.


in the end..let him scold..

can't drive liao. dun think i be getting the car.


but i was vvv lucky he din ask for the 450 bucks......thank god.....

She Believes In Me
By Steve Gibb

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs and sometimes all the nights can be so long, and it's good when I finally make it home all alone.

While she lays dreaming, I touch her face across the silver light. I see her dreams that drift up to the sky and she wakes up to my kiss and I say it's alright and I hold her tight.

And she believes in me, I'll never know what just what she sees in me.
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world with my songs but I was wrong.

But she has faith in me and so I go on trying faithfully. Forever in my heart she will remain and I hope and pray I will find a way, find a way..

While she lays waiting I ask myself "Why do I hurt her so? What calls me on along this lonely road? Why don't I turn around and head back home where I belong?"

While she lays crying for she knows how my heart is ripped in two, I'm torn between the things that I should do.
She deserves it all and I'd give it if I could. God, her love is true.

While she lays sleeping..
While she lays sleeping for me.

MEN

how i hate them.

especially the one facing me right now.

my dad.


he thinks he could raise his voice n get wat he wants by doing that.
he picked up the singapore polytechnic thick envelope n just look at the envelope n flinged it back on the table.

i thought a parent's duty is to provide the best for their children.


heck.


i give up. i TRULY TRULY give up.

i wish he fecken know how rare it is to be accepted by a singapore poly.

grrr~

MESS in the WRONG TIME


ok. updates.


i might not be going to MMU. malaysia multimedia university. that is....

that day.. i came across a very disturbing site ..it was a forum opened by the student representative council of MMU, ok. wat they do is that they represent the students n bring forward complaints..to the deans n get answers n changes going in MMU for the student's welfare.


n.. being the nosy person that i m, i clicked on my faculty, the faculty of Creative Multimedia..
n there was ONE complain.

the students aren't even allowed to use the facilities there.!!!
n they even claimed that on open day, they purposely open up the facilities to impress n garner more business...
n those competition winners.. it was claimed that they won by their own fair skill.. n own effort.. not by using the facilities at all..

n they were planning to complain to the dean.. but coul.dn't cuz he's always SOO BUSY.
duh.

n the students of FCM doesn't even give a damn bout this complain.. cuz.. they had given up hope .. hoping for new pcs.. n faster servers..


which reminds me.. those libraries pc we touched that day. were DARN slow. VERY SLOW.




i panicked.. of cos. its only 2 weeks left to registration.. if i withdraw NOW, i still get back all the money... but forfeited the 500 bucks deposit. once i register.. all gone.


n the registration day is 25th april.


i went to lim kok wing university site... n found out... there was a limkokwing foundation.. giving out scholarships to those who score 7 A's n above in SPM.. i could get that..


n suddenly yesterday.. the letter from singapore polytechnic came.!!!!!!!!
argh!!


ok.. i talked to my dad.. the singapore one is going into the dustbin... wait. let me imply, the reason for that is only the financial difficulties.. not personal matters.... i did not even tell him wat happen.

he reckoned i call up mmu n ask for some answers regarding the matter. wat for? they'll probably cover it up with some excuse or something. besides. lim kok wing is more prestigious than MMU.. who the hell knows wat is MMU??



but as u all know.. lim kok wing is like.. the most expensive place to go to. so if i could get a scholarship. its a really good bargain.

but MMU course is a DEGREE one.
n lim kok wing one.. is a DIPLOMA.. with one more year in austrailia for DEGREE..

i called up lim kok wing today..the person told me that if i can get the scholarship it would be for only the 3 years in lim kok wing.. the one overseas doesn't count. but still..its a good bargain.


n they said that they have scholarships for the architecture, art n design courses n um...oh yea. communication. luckily remember.


should i take architecture? my dad is right u know.. i mean in the architecture field.. girls have no place.. n he's afraid i might need to SLEEP with people to get me high on the carreer ladder.


but still............................i like designing houses..................i want.... sob...
n its a new thing to learn..

while multimedia.. i already know most of it.. wat for.. n i m bored with it already.. see? now i seldom cg liao.

suggestions..people..suggestions!!
don't gimme the usual ' its ur life, u make ur decisions'...


suddenly.. my life seemed so much more....brighter?
hehe.. woohoO!!!!


suggestions.. people.. pls... n if i become an architect.. i'll design a shrine to honour all of u.. haha.

another lyrics..
yep.. avril's new song.. she look so girly in this mtv.. her hair damn long....
her song's preppy, fresh n way honest.
i had nothing to do.. so i found the lyrics. n put em here...

Don't Tell Me

You held my hand and walked me home, I know why you gave me the kiss, it was something like this, it made me go oh oh..
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love, guys are so hard to trust.

Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who gives it all away..
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you this time?
Did you think that it was somethin' I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do, don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way

Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck will get you into my pants,
I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I won't have sex, I won't have sex..
Get outta my head, get off of my bed, yeah that's what I said

This guilt trip that you put me on won't mess me up cuz I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away.

Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway



feeling.. bored**...

brutal reality

Chopin's Etude (01:25 PM) :
i wish money grow out on tree

CHeRR¥930 (01:26 PM) :
no..
i wish itll fall from the sky.. juz like rain..
then wont have to wait so long..

Chopin's Etude (01:27 PM) :
haha... then people will exist only to love one another.. no need to study..no need to work.. no need nothing.. just love........

CHeRR¥930 (01:29 PM) :
how i hope so..
only in love..
n no pain..
juz our imagination..

Chopin's Etude (01:29 PM) :
yea.. we can NEVER have wat we want.. i m sure

CHeRR¥930 (01:31 PM) :
just like we know that too beautiful things dun really belong to us.. we cfan only c ppl own it.. as if we nvr deserve it.. its torturing.. ad if only we once have it in our hands.. we're afraid of losing it..

Chopin's Etude (01:32 PM) :
yea... n we hold it too tightly, not wanting to let go ..until they are afraid of us.

aih.. wat is this.

CHeRR¥930 (01:33 PM) :
i dunno..
but i wont hold it tight..
cuz i know ill have to let go.,. its juz the matter of time.,.

Chopin's Etude (01:36 PM) :
.. holding tight or not.. they still leave.

CHeRR¥930 (01:37 PM) :
:(

Bad Luck among all bad lucks.

i thought today will be a pretty normal day... when suddenly my maid came in giving me a letter.

its seldom i get any letters...n it looks official...my hopes went up.. SCHOLARSHIPS!!!!!

well..no.
it has a singapore crest on it.

... nanyang polytechnic.. i saw the word...

ok. its the application for singapore polytechnic. the result's here.


n ... i got it.

they accept me.




...why do this happen to me?? wat m i supposed to do with it??


i had no money anyway... n no support.. what for.



any suggestions??



back to happier stuffs.. i wanna play piano. a grand piano that is so shiny that i can see my own refelctions..oh did i mention.. the excelsior hotel in sg.. has a really nice one... with a glass on top filled with roses... cool....

n we were sitting at the back.... then capo's family came. n he was at the counter. n capo mum were at the counter. then it was done. n i couldn't walk pass them with him cuz if they sees us... he'll get into trouble... phone calls.. huh.. they'll probably bring him to the police or something... well.. wat do u do to a guy who's holding a bag..um... bla bla.. can't say it here.

well.. we splitted up. he went that way..n i went this way. . i saw that he was upset.. well, i m not just worrying for myself n i m not a selfish brat either.


oh duh..

lets not complain n rattle on without any solution shall we.....

ok..wat m i to do with the admission...

bad sides... i really dun wanna stay with my aunt in sg....!!! hate that place.. they are so......old.
n my dad don't have that much money...
n i'll be all alone there... no friends at all...
i heard that singapore doesn't have any entertainment... the streets r sooooo quiet......
no 1.. study..no2 study...no3 study.. n the next thing i know i m insane.

good sides... the education.
future job opportunities.



the bad sides overrunned.

so .. into the dustbin it goes.

FAKE-ism


the world is such a fake place to be.. yet we exist just to exchange fake insincere words that are complicated.

today, my family n i went for the praying as it as cheng meng and everything... we had 4 boxes.. yea.. that means 4 dead. 2 grandparents... 1 my dad's sister n the other one.. well.. my mom.


there were located at 2 different places... my mom in a more expensive one.. n the others in a different one..

we went to the other one... n there was a granny who take care of the place there.. people who came gave her money.."to buy food".. talking to her in whispers n in false concern for her welfare. the granny ,[well, probably she accepts money too often] just said thank you without even the courtesy of.."no need ..no need"...


n my dad prayed with a furious kinda seriousness.. i assumed it is to make the same act at my mother's place seemed normal n right to do.. since my stepmom followed too..


the offerings..yea..the offerings..as usual we steamed a whole chicken, with lettuces.. spring onions still raw n fresh..with 2 fried fish.. n rice..of cos.... which i thought were decent n appropriate... i was surprised at the amount of white plastic covers filled with stalls' chicken rice..n just chopsticks placed uncertainly by them..

the sincerity of those who came prayin r decreasing every year...

n they pray as if they are doing a wild gesture shaking their hand forward n back..instead of some holy respect....


who can blame them?

have u ever realize..the muslims have their QURAN bible.. n the christians have their holy bible.. n us..buddhist...have..??

who would believe or continue to believe?

ok, the 'journey to the west' series is not good enough for convincing's sake..



n christians..not that i m critisizing.. but when adam's 2 son, which one is a farmer n one is a hunter... they present a sacrifice...mainly the farmer producing crops to the god n the hunter presented dead animal.

yet the god would not accept the crops. it was said..that if blood were not shed, it is not considered as a sacrifice.

how can god love life n love us when he wanted us to kill???


n when he could choose to save a certain people... n i m talking bout the time way after noah... he chose the israels...

remember moses?? the splitting of seas??.. the red cloud pillar in the sky n the dew that turned to food .. n the water to flow from stone?..n the killings of the egyptian's first borns??

remember?.. the hebrew slaves? well.. they are israels...


he chose them instead of the other suffered n tormented people in the other parts of the world...

so does that means he love only them?

n when christianity is spreaded, the chinese n indians..n other races converted.. what makes them think the god will accept them when he only chose the israels??
what made them think that god will love them too?



n because of this.. the israels..they become light headed..thinking that they are the chosen ones.. marrying only within their race , believing they have the noble blood of the god, cuz they ate the food that god made.believing that they are cleverer than all.

n wat will happen? sooner or later they will extinct.


have u ever wonder y our passports..forbid us to go to israel.. think muslims... think war..think jealousy.




yea.. wimps. believe in god so that they feel better, thinking that when they died someone will look after them upstairs or downstairs.

when we die.. we r dead. thats all. we lost everything in this world. wat else matters other than that?

DiFFereNT is BAd n ScarY


when i was young.. just raw after the pain of losing a mother, round 8/9 years of age.. my cousin was still alive and i was staying at her house together with her n her mother n my father. i used to implore her to bring me out n i was nothing but a pest to her that she had to put up with my pitiful wails n look at me with the eyes of hers n reluctantly bring me out with her friend.


we went to a cinema.. an old cinema that is demolished long time ago... we watched FOREST GUMP.

we were sitting there.. watching forest gump's antics... n they were laughing their head off while i stare silently at how the other characters look down on him and treated him differently, n his silent humourous innocent gestures.. i started to sympathise with him.. even pitied him for his difference..

i started crying...silently when everybody else in the cinema were laughing til tears flowed.


i then realized i m different. different from the others around me.

.........................................


then at night.. when my father come back from work.. we will sleep together in the same bed in the same room with only a television.. he would played videos n we would watched it in loneliness.. me n him.

when my aunt tried to strangle me.. we moved out immediately.. n we moved to another aunt's house. days of moving houses continued.. until he bought a house n married another wife.


now that the family's big.. with brother n sister n his wife.. i seldom were close to him. i lost him.


and because of his wife, we seldom contact the other side, my mom's side of the family. n i lost them.


perhaps i can say that i lived in loneliness...losing one person after another. whether izzit death or others who take them from me.. it doesn't matter. i m alone.


when i went to school.. i was the most talkative.. eager to make new friends.. for the teacher to like me..
studied hard for a praise from my father, from the teacher for the other's envy n their friendship in return.

i was lucky.. i found 5 vv good friends on the way..i m thankful to them.



....................


i m pathetic. blaming everything else for losing him. blaming my past, deaths, my father n even forest gump for being different.

today i went out.. i was suddenly so aware of how my arms n leg move.. how my shoulders will slump or be straight.. how i habitually pursed my lips together.. n asked myself.. izzit all these that made him hate me?

i ate.. with the usual relish.. then i was aware people are looking.. maybe they are not noticing bout the way i eat..but i couldn't help being aware.. that it could be the way i eat that put him off.


...beautiful things... they can just disappear like that. into nothingness. n will never come back.
but still.. people remembers.. n search for another thing just as beautiful..
n the old one will fade.. but theres something that just stay rooted in the conscience. to plague continuously, to remind the mistakes n the regrets.


things changed. n i can't go back. n i m not sure if i wanted to go back.

MY ImmoRtAL


everything's over now.

explanation done..

n of cos.. i realize i m in the wrong.. yet again...


felt like a fool..

of cos.. who doesn't.


apologies to all.. won't be coming outta my house/ onlining for few days/weeks.

pls dun come n find me..y'all.. i'll be fine.. cuz i m not the victim, but the one who hurt others..



n apologies to him..of cos.. for all the angst ridden words in this blog regarding him... i had guessed this would happened.. for this day that i know that all is actually my own doing.. my own fault.. no tears could help.. no temper could bring things to a close..no love could hold back the bridges that are falling apart... n its all my fault..
so... don't come charging up to singapore scolding him for me.. cuz like i said, its my fault.
he had love n i can't meet up to his expectations..
wat else matters?



the words that are coming out of my mouth is so hard to comprehend..no one could understand,... no one could handle.


when will i find someone..who loves me for who i m... who loves me even if i didn't do anything for him.. who loves me even if i hurt him..who loves me even if we are wrong for each other..

but will i love that person for who he is.. even when he did nothing.. even when he hurts me.. n even when we r wrong for each other?

sometimes love just ain't enough...

I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna use you just to have sombody by my side and I don't wanna hate you, I don't wanna take you but I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore but like a fool I keep losing my place and I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much and its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you but I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain and like a fool who will never see the truth I keep thinking something's gonna change

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say ??
Do you feel me beside you in your bed, there beside you where I used to lay ?

ChoBIts


finally finished watching chobits.. its so romantic...


check this out.


happiness is when we found that someone that we love.
but that also marks the beginning of pain.
the pain of not being able to do anything for that someone.
eventhough there'll be painful n distressing times..
its more painful when we couldn't be together


feeling more calm now...... not as angry as in the morning.. maybe u can't understand... how can someone stay calm when i know i m going to die faster than everyone else.. then suddenly i m told everything is a joke.


i really thought i will die.

darn.

CARS N GUYS N LIFE


yesterday.. my stepmom ordered me to drive a bday cake.. drinks.. jellies.. camera.. sweets.. to my sis kindergarten today..

last night.. all i dreamt about was driving cars.. to car accidents.. millions of dreams.. until this morning i woke up, the damn car is gone.


the big toyota couldn't be started so they took the small one.

n they were right bout the couldn't be started.

now.. i had to WALK to the school on my feet carrying plastic bags n a cake topped with pikachus n a brown wooden house icing.


unfair. unfair. unfair. i never had so much as a damn cake from them.. but my kinder friends r nice enough to buy me tiramisu cakes during my bday every year. they??? pikachu? chiu??



n when i was trying to start the car just now, a nosy neighbour came next to the window n rapped the window.. in a face that is saying "i m happy to scare u!!"

n i had to wound down the window n hear her talk crap bout batteries.. when suddenly a chun guy with dyed blond hair walked by n gave me the one over. wat horny shit.


n i got frus n walked back to the house n the damn nosy neighbour asked him to fetch me to my sis school.. n he was like.. 'come la!!"

great. great.

no thank u


the last thing i want is to owe a guy. i dun even wanna know what he wants in return for his 'kind favour'. the fact that he is handsome n blond repels me more. ugh.

forgive me for being sacarstic.. but i m in a foul mood right now.


anyway.. medical check up says that i m fine.




??


wat bout the lumps?
all over my hands n legs?

just now the doc said that i m fine. no syndromes nothing. just that i m bit unhealthy.

fuck. unhealthy n syndromes are a big difference mate. u dun just say that i m a BIT unhealthy n tell me i m not going to die now that i thought my pathetic life is gonne end soon.

he can't explains the lumps. bed bugs?


hell.

so now i m alive, holding a big cake, without a car and guarded.


pray that the next time i blog, i m still heterosexual.

DEATH n LOVE


there are lumps on both of my hands for 3 days already.. n i haven't tell my dad bout it.

maybe i should just go check ..


death is closing in on me.. days seemed grayer.. nothing seems to matter.


suddenly those food i hate..the smell of pollution.. the construction noise.. n the arguments..doesn't seemed to matter anymore.. doesn't seemed to hate them as much as i do..
they are all signs of life. n thinking that they'll be leaving..

..

watever.


even in the direst state...live struggles to renew itself..love continue to blossom.. bringing new souls to the world..

yea...

yesterday.. 3 diff people who actually is the same one person talker to me... confusing?


i did soomething wrong again...............out of the blue i started cging a scene which actually did happen... but i mis sketched something... both are supposed to be fully clothed... but i forgotten... shoot.


should i change or leave it.. i kinda like the body though.. but can't compare to the real one..wakkaka. real one more.. '....'

but anyway.. i think i need a rest..

i m tired.. i do not wanna go on playing this game of spiting him..doing all this is just a form of showing how much he means to me.. dun wanna waste my time.. guess i delete all the contacts again. not like i really did talk to them or anything...


i'll just go on with my life..which is going to be a short one...

wat irony.