haze

DiFFereNT is BAd n ScarY


when i was young.. just raw after the pain of losing a mother, round 8/9 years of age.. my cousin was still alive and i was staying at her house together with her n her mother n my father. i used to implore her to bring me out n i was nothing but a pest to her that she had to put up with my pitiful wails n look at me with the eyes of hers n reluctantly bring me out with her friend.


we went to a cinema.. an old cinema that is demolished long time ago... we watched FOREST GUMP.

we were sitting there.. watching forest gump's antics... n they were laughing their head off while i stare silently at how the other characters look down on him and treated him differently, n his silent humourous innocent gestures.. i started to sympathise with him.. even pitied him for his difference..

i started crying...silently when everybody else in the cinema were laughing til tears flowed.


i then realized i m different. different from the others around me.

.........................................


then at night.. when my father come back from work.. we will sleep together in the same bed in the same room with only a television.. he would played videos n we would watched it in loneliness.. me n him.

when my aunt tried to strangle me.. we moved out immediately.. n we moved to another aunt's house. days of moving houses continued.. until he bought a house n married another wife.


now that the family's big.. with brother n sister n his wife.. i seldom were close to him. i lost him.


and because of his wife, we seldom contact the other side, my mom's side of the family. n i lost them.


perhaps i can say that i lived in loneliness...losing one person after another. whether izzit death or others who take them from me.. it doesn't matter. i m alone.


when i went to school.. i was the most talkative.. eager to make new friends.. for the teacher to like me..
studied hard for a praise from my father, from the teacher for the other's envy n their friendship in return.

i was lucky.. i found 5 vv good friends on the way..i m thankful to them.



....................


i m pathetic. blaming everything else for losing him. blaming my past, deaths, my father n even forest gump for being different.

today i went out.. i was suddenly so aware of how my arms n leg move.. how my shoulders will slump or be straight.. how i habitually pursed my lips together.. n asked myself.. izzit all these that made him hate me?

i ate.. with the usual relish.. then i was aware people are looking.. maybe they are not noticing bout the way i eat..but i couldn't help being aware.. that it could be the way i eat that put him off.


...beautiful things... they can just disappear like that. into nothingness. n will never come back.
but still.. people remembers.. n search for another thing just as beautiful..
n the old one will fade.. but theres something that just stay rooted in the conscience. to plague continuously, to remind the mistakes n the regrets.


things changed. n i can't go back. n i m not sure if i wanted to go back.