haze

UNexplained. UNsolved. Cold. NEglected.


wat happens when a case goes unsolved in ur life? or a certain incident?.. its always there at the back of your mind.. plaguing you.. gnawing at ur attention..demanding justice, time n decisions.

ok. so i have neglected to think, feel, care or decided on love at all for the past week. which explains the absense of my boring droning of my love life recently.

y would someone ignore something so beautiful yet so mysterious..


the beginning of the week, i thought i have let go. let go of him, of the love, of my feelings, of us, of our future. supported by many reasons whom i thought reasonable. reasons like i dun feel the chest pain whenever i think of him anymore. n everytime my heart squeeze itself to remind me of him n the love i still have for him, my head automatically starts rewinding n replaying the scenes of the reasons he n i made to cause this break up n i found renewed strength to go on with my life alone. without him.


n yet.. i still remembered all those sweet times we had, in return i started to make up excuses for myself to accept him back n forgive him.. n felt my heart started to grow soft n all the strong resolve i had made earlier to move on melt into nothingness.
n of cos.. he was there.. online. giving me other reasons to ponder. n which still remains in my head now. don't u know u really mean alot to me? i changed the way i talked n acted like a pervert.. glad to see that now what i want has happened
ok.. so maybe he meant it.. or maybe he just said it to make up for the way he treated me when i got back from sg. i don't know. i really do not know.

but the effects of the words were there.. millions n millions of reflexes were popping up in my heart n head to make myself accept him back..i had to fought them all with rationality.

n now.. still ..there are millions n millions of reflexes trying to make myself get him back into my lonely life again n make it whole again.n i m getting weary of fighting them off... really weary n tired..

when we were still together, i felt weary n tired of explaining my reasons n myself to make him understand how i felt n how i thought... n now even after its over.. i felt weary n tired of forcing myself to act as if i don't give a damn bout him.


n the fact that we spent only 2 days together.. which in fact is actually a day with all the hours plused together makes it even harder for me to move on. everytime i get on my bed..my bolster automatically morphed into his body. N THAT MAKES ME CRAZY!!

n i would spent hours in the toilet sitting there.. doing watsoever.. rethinking.. remembering bout those 2 days. n then i would feel guilty to myself for indulging in forbidden pleasures... FORBIDDEN.


still...eventhough how hard i tried.. i can't change my habits.. the habit of waking up n immediately he's in my head. or seeing stars.. n immediately flashes of things he like..tiramisu..those songs he sent. or going to bed without that damn bolster morphing into him. n only a night ago, i was pouring my heart out n suddenly.. the familiar forgotten pain came back into my chest.. tugging it tightly.. reminding me that i still do love him. n i actually stopped crying n said "SHIT!" out loud into the silence of my room. i thought i would never felt that for him anymore. damn.

n before that.. i was browsing thru those CGs n emails he sent me long ago.. fixed to delete them... but..after seeing all of them.. i couldn't even delete one. not even the smses.. n i stumbled upon the eiffel tower cg.. stating meeting there when he's 25.


god........ n i somehow managed to smile with nostalgic pain.

i wonder when will i grow out of those habits.. grow out of him.. i wonder if i ever will.



HC told me once before that.. first love will always be something to regret for.. yea..i do regret. n i wished that he wasn't my first one.. then i would know how to act, n the proper things to do..to say to get to his heart.. n say the proper reasons of how he is the only one.. n stop all those catatrosphe a first time lover would make.. like all those i did made.


if theres ever a chance.. i would like to meet him again... not as yen .. but as someone else.. n he too.. as someone else..so that we could understand each other all over again.. for i somehow STILL felt that i have wronged him all these while n he had not really got to know the real me.


its funny how when talking.. its as simple as.. do u love him/her?
n its expected that if the answer..is "yes i love him/her." the assumption of i m a couple it there.

but things are not as simple as i love you or i don't love you.. it never was..

its amazing.. how many thousands other issues are taken into counting other than i love you/i don't love you.
n i think.. it is this thousand other issues that i have failed oh-so-terribly.


i m about to go into MMU already.. about to start anew..n i m having real problems with dumping my past. i do not wanna go thru MMU looking like a cold black fish like i did when i was in high school before i knew him.



n crazy thoughts have came into my mind..like FOLLOWING the prediction.. which will eventually leads to the marriage.. but..its ridiculous. if it doesn't come true. its double loss. double pain.


well.. i m going to go to bed.. hoping that my bolster won't morph into him again.. which is the probability of 1/1000.