haze

TRIBUTE to JINGXIANG, tan

have u ever watch yourself as if u r watching a movie with u as the star, watch yourself hurt the one u love so brutally with such helplessness because u can't stop yourself from hurting the one u love in time?
~HAZE


we had walked together for quite an amount of time. your life n mine had merged into out lives. your future n mine changed so that it could be our future.

though we live in different sides of the world, but we stayed together, u n i.

i still remember all those words u told me.. every little thing that u said.. n even now wherever i go, there are fragments of memories of u in every any thing i see. i could not have forgotten u, how could i with everything reminding me of u?


we had our turns hurting each other..being cruel even when our love is so deep n strong.
we were like no other couple, we did not have any real memories..as we only met twice. but if there is one person in this world nearest to understanding me, it would be u n no one else.
we go to extremes in our relationship..giving everything we have got. even beyond that. we put each other on top of everything else. risking everything else. throwing everything n every other people away just to have each other.


sometimes.. i wonder where did we fail to cause us to be apart.. then i realized that love isn't enough. however much i wanna belong to u SOLELY n however much i want u to belong to me SOLELY, we can never belong to each other entirely because in truth, we only belong to ourselves.


to others, they wonder wat do we feel, how could we feel love by just talking all the time. i marvel too, at how much i felt every little thing u told me.
they had no faith in us, throwing us punches to keep us apart for the best of our beings..we did not really care, but those words are starting to sink in as excuses for us to leave each other.

temptations outside were too great, we fought hard to stay focused in this relationship while every minute, there are other temptations seducing us.


there r times we felt tired of keeping together n just felt like letting go, to relieve ourselves of this stress n weariness. n everytime we did, we realize how very inseparable we are.


we made mistakes.. causing each other pain while we are not aware of it at all. but no mistakes, nor misunderstandings could keep us apart.


only our decision n our decision alone can keep us apart. n neither of us had the heart to make this decision however tempted we are most of the time.



even during the turmoil, during the misunderstandings.. we met n still we found courage to laugh n love like any other couple. we had held hands.. n walked together.. we had tasted each other deep n sweet. i still remember how u washed my hands with soap..how safe n secure i felt with ur touch lingering on my skin..n how i cried in ur arms, pleading for u not to leave me.

we did not lock our bodies together in rhythm, n now i realize there isn't any need for that. we do not need sex to express our love at all. we can feel it already deep in our hearts n its enough.

but the date was like an act, an act to fulfill both our dreams. we gave each other wat we both wanted n once it was over n we are in different sides of the world again, the war continued.


i marvel.. at how sweet n concocted our love was for each other n yet how hard n ruthless we can be with each other.


tears.. even blood were shed for each other..n i realize we r going to do nothing but hurt each other thru out our times together now or the future. somehow, issues were too complicated to be solved.. too hard n cold to be soften with the truth. even a brand new start is just going to be polluted with the past gnawing at our conscience.


i do not want to hurt u anymore...in the same terms as i do not wanna be hurt anymore so i have let go. i realized that our lifes are in parallel lines.. which would never meet together however hard we try.. its really better if we end it now instead of ending it in tears later when it is too late.


thank u for teaching me how to love. there won't be a day where u won't be in my heart, cuz u r part of it already.


I know what it does to you, I know. Maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do. We just can't believe that such a miracle can happen to us twice. But it can, someday you'll find it again. remove the clouds n look at the bigger picture.


**(^^)**playing melodies of life on the piano..