你不在 You're Not Here

當世界只剩下這床頭燈 你那邊是早晨已經出門
我側身感到你在轉身 無數陌生人正在等下一個綠燈
一再錯身彼此脆弱的時分 如果渴望一個吻的餘溫
我關了燈黑暗把我拼吞 wo

你不在 當我最需要愛 你卻不在 wo
無盡等待像獨白的難挨 wo

你不在 高興還是悲哀 你都不在
我受了傷在偷偷好起來 但你不在 不在

時間再按下許多次快門 沉默裡聽見轉動的秒針
一個人吃飯這個凌晨 孤單一人份 你低聲說你有別人
我的話筒只有自己的體溫 怎樣認真也不一定成真
你說的對 我不得不承認 wo

你不在 當我最需要愛 你卻不在 wo
無盡等待像獨白的難挨 wo

你不在 高興還是悲哀 你都不在 wo
我受了傷再偷偷好起來 但你不在 wo
Bridge 那些搖擺 我都明白 都明白
但你不在 愛已不在 不在

你不在 當我最需要愛 你卻不在 wo
一個人分飾兩角的戀愛 wo

你不在 高興還是悲哀 你都不在 wo

像空氣般不存在 再沒有痕跡的愛
你不在 當我需要你的愛 你不在

LIFE FOR RENT dido

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea, to travel the world alone and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...
..................................................................................................................

i got a job!!!!!!! woo hoo!
you know.. i think my life is for rent all these while.. perhaps my case is worse.. i pay others so that my life get rented.

... i did something soooo wrong!!!!!

.. i m a bad gf.. i hope he's alright.. i m worried sick. i dun dare to do anything fearing i might worsen the situation... this is difficult..

what m i supposed to do??

he basically wanna handle it himself.. aiyo............... i m soo worried.!!
pls dun let anything happen to him. pls dun.

.. if he would only trust me to handle the situation. but logicallyhow can he trust me after what happened? ... this is entirely my fault. me n my bloody mouth.

i wonder does he still love me...
i m feeling rather weird....both of us love each other... n often try our best to be the best gf n bf there is.. then how come we screw up so often?
i know most of the time..its because of jealousy.. before i had a bf.. i picture myself as an understanding gf...like not getting angry because he had girl friends.. or talk on the phone too much.. or going out with other girls..
but now.. i realized.. it hurts to find out bout any of those things. n.. i do get angry..

but surprisingly... i can forgive as easily as i get angry.
but no matter how i try.. i can't forget. i can't forget those mistakes..

Archive

YEAR 2008

YEAR 2007

YEAR 2006

YEAR 2005

YEAR 2004

YEAR 2003

ADDICTED enrique iglesias
Have I told you how good it feels to be me,
when I'm in you?
I can only stay clean
when you are around.
Don't let me fall.
If I close my eyes forever,
would it ease the pain?
Could I breathe again?

[Chorus:]
Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug
that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is
you're the only reason I'm trying.

I am wasted away,
I made a million mistakes.
Am I too late?
There is a storm in my head;
it rains on my bed
when you are not here.
I'm not afraid of dying,
but I am afraid of losing you.

[Chorus:]
Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug
that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is
you're the only reason I'm trying.

When you're lying next to me
love is going through to me.
Oh it's beautiful.
Everything is clear to me
'till I hit reality
and I lose it all...
I lose it all...
I lose it all.
I lose it all...
Nah nah nah
nah nah nah....
Nah nah nah nah nah nah.....
nah nah nah nah nah nah....

You're the only reason,
Yeah, you're the only reason I'm trying,
Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying,
Don't want to lose it all,
Don't want to lose it all,
I'm trying, I'm trying..
I'm trying ...
Yeah, you know I'm addicted,
You know I'm addicted,
Yeah, you know I'm addicted....

WHEN YOU SAID NOTHING AT ALL

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hands says you'll catch me if ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define what's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in you eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me
If ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me
If ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best
When you say nothing at all

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


.. i miss his silence.. the way he looked at me when we first met. though i told him otherwise. i miss his warmth of his steady body.. he sure can drown out the crowd. and how sweet the lollipop we shared was.

i wonder if he miss me too.

here i m.. trying to be the perfect gf.. what do i get in the end?
..nothing. nothing at all. i have to share him with so many other things.

i suddenly have the urge to draw again.. i mean..cg.. graphic design.. ..hmm..or.....animator?... it'll be cool if i can work in pixar's.
ambitions ...ambitions.. i'll get there.. and it won't be my ambition but my routineful boring life.

i need a TABLET!!!!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

i need a damn tablet. asap.
i wanna cg again. i wanna draw on the pad again. ... argh.

yesterday i dreamt bout him.. i wonder why must he always appear in my mind only in moments of crisis. i wonder how is he now.. he's still as handsome as he used to be...maybe more. he was wearing orange in my dream...ORANGE..
i m starting to lose hope in him..the other him. i mean. maybe i wasnt the only one in his life.. yea.. worried bout that. and...everything feel so faked and forced. its like i have to take things just as it comes...whether i like it onot.
but ...the person i think of at night when i sleep is him..and when i wake up is still him...so.. do i love him onot?

and bout the love is..love is thing that i posted some time ago..i felt them all.. but will i feel them again when i see him next month?..well.. when i saw him last time.. i felt it all.

this is scary... i m swimming in the river..

bout that bitch.. if i ever see her there... she better be nice.. i m guaranteeed i will be violent. no matter what he says.

...somehow.. i don't feel emotionally satisfied .. not that i m not grateful.. or that i m not in love.. but somehow i felt that there's something missing.
i felt like asking him questions..but i kept forgetting them. but its hard to get him to be honest with me.. cuz he's always worrying whether he will hurt my feelings onot..

...and i myself find it hard to be honest. yea.. worrying whether will i hurt his feelings.
everytime i talk to him.. get tongue tied. there isn't a time when i call him my heart beat didn't accelerate. chemistry at the wrong time.

...i wonder what is this i m feeling nowadays.. didn't wanna care much bout anything liao.. whatever will come..will come in the end.
maybe i have met the man of my life..maybe i haven't. but it all depends on him.

~~~~~~~~~~happy birthday to cheng yee!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~

its been a while since i wrote anything from my heart lately, i mean.. regarding my relationship with him.
i finally blew my top. ..not really actually.. i din exactly told him EVERYTHING..
well... i m here to mend pot.. waiting for him to reply me.

LINKIN PARK FAINT
I am
A little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
A handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like
No matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I let go
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here
'Cause you're all that I got

I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
So I let go
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here
'Cause you're all that I got

I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

No
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
Hear me out now
You're going to listen to me
Like it or not
Right now

I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

LINKIN PARK NUMB
I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface,
I don't know what you're expecting of me,
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.

Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
Become so tired,
So much more aware,
I'm becoming this,
All I want to do,
Is be more like me,
And be less like you.

Can't you see that your smothering me,
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control,
'Cause everything that you thought I would be,
Has fallen apart, right in front of you.

Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take.

I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
Become so tired,
So much more aware,
I'm becomming this,
All I want to do,
Is be more like me,
And be less like you.

And I know I may end up failing too,
But I know you were just like me,
With someone disappointed in you.

I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
Become so tired,
So much more aware,
I'm becomming this,
All I want to do,
Is be more like me,
And be less like you.

I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
I'm tired of being what you want me to be.

I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
I'm tired of being what you want me to be.

ANNIE LENNOX WONDERFUL
I want to have you, cause you're all I've got
I don't want to lose you, cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here

Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool
To fall in love with someone
Who doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure

But I feel wonderful
Yes, I feel
Don't you know I feel
Wonderful

(Chorus:)
God it make's me feel so good
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat over my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
C'mon kid look at me where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin' in my hand
Do you want me, do you not
Doesn't feel cold, baby doesn't feel hot

I want to hold you, then be so held back
Don't want to need you, but it's where I'm at
Thinkin' about you everyday
How come I was made that way
So surreal

But I feel
(you know it makes me feel so, you know it makes me feel so)
Wonderful
Yes I feel
(you know it makes me feel so, you know it makes me feel so)
Wonderful

SANTANA feat. ALEX BAND WHY DON'T YOU N I?
Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies...(oo)and it's alright
Bouncin round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you'd know I'd lied

Pre-Chorus
Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

Chorus
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in

When's this fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasin you around
(oo)And it's alright
Bouncin round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you'd know I'd lied

Pre-Chorus
Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

Chorus
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in

( Only second time through)
And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
Right about the same time you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again' oh

Pre-Chorus
Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

Chorus
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in



STACIE ORRICO THERE'S GOTTA BE [MORE TO LIFE]

Yea, yea
Oh ohh, yeaaa

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
I'm wanting more.....

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more to life...

Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more to life....life..
ohh...more to life..life..theres gotta be more to life...
ohh...more to life....theres gotta be more to life...ohhh


SIMPLE PLANPERFECT

Make dad look at me think back and talk to me
Did i grow up according to plan
And do you think im wasting my time doin things i wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now i try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
Im never gonna be good enough for you
cant pretend that im alright
and you cant change me

Cause you lost it all
Nothin lasts forever
Im sorry, i cant be perfect
Now its just too late
And we cant go back
Im sorry, i cant be perfect

I try not to think about the pain i feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me now seem so far away
And it feels like you dont care anymore

And now i try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
Im never gonna be good enough for you
cant stand another fight
and nothings alright

Cause we lost it all nothing lasts forever
Im sorry, i cant be perfect
Now its just too late and we cant go back
Im sorry, i cant be perfect

Nothings gonna change the things that you said
Nothings gonna make this right again
Please dont turn your back i cant believe its hard just to talk to you
But you dont understand

Cause we lost it all nothing lasts forever
Im sorry, i cant be perfect
Now its just too late and we cant go back
Im sorry, i cant be perfect
(x2)

so what if everything i felt is like , lust , luck , loneliness , loyalty , pity , unconfident , infatuation , friendship , lie , charity , and LOVE ????

so what... i m still heartbroken.

Unscientific Answers

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, And your voice caught within your chest?

It isn't Love, it's Like.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?

It isn't Love, it's Lust.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?

It isn't Love, it's Luck.

Do you want them because you know they're there?

It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?

It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of Love, because you don't want to hurt them?

It isn't Love, it's Pity.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?

It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?

It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?

It isn't Love, it's Friendship.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?

It isn't Love, it's a Lie.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?

It isn't Love, it's Charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?

Then it's Love.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?

Then it's Love.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?

Then it's Love.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?

Then it's Love.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?

Then it's Love.

But do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you?

Then it's Love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?

Then it's Love.

Now, if Love is painful, and tortures us so,
why do we Love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
Because it's...
Love

.... i have nothing to say.
for the first time.. i don't feel like blaming myself.
so its solitude once more gal!

joey yung's "xi guan shi lian" ..USED to BREAK UP.

..not holding your hand .. maybe i'll feel a little bit warmer.
once i hold your hand, doesn't mean the suffering will be less.
its too fast.. i haven't even enjoy the happiness, now i m already heartbroken.

i can't remember how warm is the love you gave me.
i can't think it thru.. i don't have the rights to make you softhearted.
but i know how sour my heart feels right now.

you thought that its my wrong..my fault last time that made you leave me, without even looking back at me.
why do you have to judge me so quickly..until our ending have to be like this??

i know i m not a good person, the only moment of my pride is when i m in love.
when i look back at the past, i can only question myself helplessly.
m i really that hateful that you have to hate me so much?

i know my tears will not touch you.
i only know how to hurt you.. why..why must i stay close to you?

you are not lonely.. maybe i m just a fool.
m i really not good enough..? or izzit because i don't know how to give you passionate kisses?
its enough to make you get fed up with me, can't give you happiness.

i m not worried, just feeling my heart getting bitter n sour.
i m only worried i will finally understand myself..understand the hopeless that i m.
i m afraid that next time i will soon get used to breaking up.

i m more afraid i will find out that we were never that close.
i m not attractive enough, you did not reject me hard enough.

did this love story ever exist onot?
why must i take all the blame when my heart is shattering and breaking?
can i still hold you back?
will i finally understand in my weariness.. understand how to love you?
loving someone is difficult..but i m willing to learn.
i m sure i can go on loving.

m i dreaming?.. haha..

can't believe he replied back. and the funnee thing is the way he replied doesn't show that he is that old..

anyway.. yesterday went to my cousin's wedding dinner.. thank god thank god i fixed my hair if not i would have lose out to yeng yeng n li peng..
well.. fai tried to intro a guy to me and i said hello without looking at him... fai scolded me..say i m proud. lcly wor..

and miraculously.. kiat n ah lai treated me so well.. let me sit on their chair.. ... and ah lim... ..i dunno.. everytime i went there.. he seemed so happy to see me.. yesterday too.. he was the first out ouf the 5 that i saw first.. teh others disappear dunno go where.. he was grinning widely at me..

when i wanna go.. i went over to say good bye to him. the music was blarring..and i guess he must have heard wrongly..i told him.." i have to go lor.." he must have heard.." go lor"
and he stood up and walk towards me.. he must have thought i want him to send me back...aiyoo.....

when i tell him that I HAVE to go.. he grinned stupidly at me and waved his hand... sigh.. still the small kid i used to know.. never change a bit..

.. flashback flashback... bout 4 of us..

they used to be my friends..closest friends... me.... my cousin, yeng yeng.. her mum's bf's children.. li peng.. kiat n lim..
2 girls.. 2 guys. i used to give them tuition.. they are mandarin educated.. kinda hard to communicate with them..

...what's so pathetic is.. i tell them my true friends is in school...while i tell my friends in school that they are my true friends. the fact is.. neither of them is.

....yeng is the one who always throw up tantrum... make everybody upset and get them into trouble..
lipeng is the cinderella... pretty...n vv nice...
kiat.. is the handsome one...the one that i m not close with.. he only hang out with pretty girls..
lim.. is the joker.. the one i m close with.. he is so funny that i can cry with laughter..


as years goes by.. everyone change..
i seldom go there liao...
yeng got worse.. lipeng got prettier..
kiat got uglier.. and gay i think.
lim got more handsome.


............................................................

back to yesterday..yea yea.. everyone was saying how pretty i have become.. all those crap.. and everyone was treating me so nice... kiat let me sit in his chair.. when i wanna get up he make me sit back down.
wa since when he treat me that good har?
and his bf.. hehe.. ah lai.. he's an indian. btw .. ...talk to me so nice.. what the heck.

and ah lim... well.. i didn't even talk to him.. he didn't talk to me... he kept silent all this while... but when i was talking to lipeng i suddenly felt someone pulled my hair.. i looked back..and he grinned stupidly .. i noticed he had grown sideburns... like nicholas tse... he IS getting more n more good looking..
he pulled my hair for 2 or 3 more times..and kept giving me that usual grin... he never change at all.. ish.


well...at least he didn't treat me differently.. if he did i would have hated it. like how i hated the crowd for their sudden interest in me.. all the uncles kept smiling at me..talking to me... .. when last time all they can say is how ugly i m...


the other guy who treated me the same is ah boon.. as usual la.. aiyo.. i shake hand with him...with his right hand.. ... 2 fingers chopped off that one... eee...so geli..imagine holding only 2 fingers in your hand... ee..
n i can't believe i let him hug me twice..not hug hug that kinda hug.. he just put his hand over my shoulder.. so tight i could fall.

and my aunt.. ..she put her hand over my shoulder and carress it... reminds me of what jingxiang did during our first date, only that hers din make me aroused.


when i went home.. my head was so full with that night's dinner.. i couldn't sleep properly.. i kept thinking of how they treat me.. i woke up at 3 am half talking..half moaning... felt like vomiting.. i kept thinking bout the dinner. i kept counting.. i dunno.. i just kept counting.. but count what???.. i dunno..
i couldn't take it.. i was twisting n turning on the bed... i pick up the phone.. and called jingxiang.. hoping he will pick up but he didn't.
i still can't sleep..kept thinking n thinking non stop.. crying liao that time.. i opened the door and went down to the living room and search for my dad's hp.. but DAMN it.. he took it up to his room liao.. sob sob...

i went back to my bed and tried to calm myself down but couldn't. just kept thinking bout the dinner.
bout why did he drink...why???..why????
.. i calmed down a little when i force myself to think bout jingxiang.. no.. actually it calmed me down a lot.. feel so much better...and can sleep liao..phew...
i wished he had picked up. but when i think back bout everything between me n him.... i get so hurt and i felt like hurting him back..and i wouldn't deny that the stuff i m writing here is just to hurt him.


...why must he drink...

n can't he tell me the truth?????

Nikki....

i. why is your mailbox at yahoo.co.uk and not local.....as it takes a longer route that delay delivery and may cost more!

ii. is butterfly kisses a song?
Cause I am not prepared to marry you off yet!
You r still my little girl....full of surprises, emotional and sensitive
and bet that Daddy is still around, caring to fill the gap of your lost mum but retarded with the physical barrier

Cheerio




Long Thin Kay
AVP, Data Center & Disaster Recovery
Information Systems
Maybank
Tel: 20747798 (D)



nikki
06-09-03 11:34 PM

To: tklong
cc:
Subject: butterfly kisses



There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's daddy's little girl.

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all for butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;

"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."

In all that I've done wrong, I know I must have done something right to deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember...Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right to deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."

She leaned over and gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there, sticking little white flowers all up in her hair

"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy - it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy?
Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right to deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses-
I couldn't ask God for more,
man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go,
but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

what bout chloe?
does it sounds nice?

honestly. i hate it.
i still prefer either haze or nikki.

yes.. i m trying to distract myself.. failing.

he hung up on me.

and i supposed i m the one to be blamed.

it does seemed nonsensical for him to ignore me when i haven't even tell him anything yet.. at least it would have seemed more sane if i told him and he ignored me. even so, i still can't bring myself to tell him.

no matter what... it is still my past which causes this.

i would have told him if he did not take it so seriously.. the more he is forcing me to tell..the harder it is for me to tell..cuz i know he will think alot bout it when i tell him.. if he would just take it easyit would have been easier for me to tell..

nevertheless... what's done is done. its my fault for not telling and his fault for asking.


the irony is.. today my dad brought back his camera... and he's gone now.. that means i can upload..
when i wanted to use it.. its not here...now that i dun want to upload... its right here in front of me.

i see those photos i feel like deleting all of them. to hell with my face.
and he make it worse by caring so much bout it. ....no. correction. I made it worse by caring so much bout it.

....i m trying to take it easy.. but i can't.


i can't believe he told me that i don't love him as much as he do.. when he said that, i just went blur and shut my mind off the conversation. even when he hung up on me, i felt nothing cuz it wasn't as hurtful as that line.

i did so much for him..how could he say that??... just because i chose not to tell him my past..

i thought he will just accept the lie i told him.. but i didn't expect myself not to accept it. .. now he finally know how it felt like hearing a lie.. i accepted all the lies he told me as truth.. maybe that's just me.

...he always wanted me to love him like how he love me... but i have my own way of loving someone...i know he wants me to be possessive, to give up my friends for him, to test him, but i m not like that. i can't be like that.

...thinking back..all i did was call him and be a nuisance to him.

yes. i wanna lie. and i will continue to do it until i m ready to tell you the truth. so you might as well not ask.

i woke up this morning..thought i should comb my hair.. i went into the toilet... and realized that i have broke the mirror the day before. and all the other mirrors in my room. can't bear the sight of my face and the memories that come with it.

i walked back home just now...shaking with fear... up the hills.. dark and quiet. before that i attempted some calls to him n my dad.
both didn't pick up. whose there for me when i needed someone?

...feeling tired and sad at the moment....

he's on. free for chat.

yesterday night he said something which hits me right on... " all the bad things are pointed at me, my family did that.. my friends and you. nvm.. its ok. i got used to it anyway"


i felt like a bitch. and i m probably one anyway. for saying all these crap in this blog. it gives me great discomfort even when i read back what i typed. and i always have the urge to delete all of them. so that i won't hurt him.

... but is there such a need?



.... - VE.
-ve....- - - - - -..lord teach me how to love this man without hurting him.

CAGE OF LOVE
i really can't take it.. i really need to let everything out.. its better saying everything out here than to lose my temper on him

i suddenly thought of the past...and it really made me upset.
...seems to me that everything is just an illusion thats all..
these past few days.. i didn't dare to go online.. because i wasn't ready to face him yet.

sometimes... i really wanna talk to him.. but when i call him.. i have nothing to say.. and i remember vv well what happened when i tried to start a new topic with him. ... makes me more depressed.

there is just one thing i really need to know the truth.. but i m also afraid of finding that out.
because i really don't understand.... why must he still talk to her.. let her sit beside him ...lend her stuff... his digicam.. when she is the one who spread my photos around..
doesn't he care?? ... m i that invisible??... sometimes i wonder if its worth it for me to lose so much because of him..
i wonder if he loves me..

unless..the truth is she didn't did it. if she didn't..then of course its him.

i don't wanna find out.. i really don't wanna find out.
i really wonder if he loves me.

i lost so much for him.. and i remember vvv well that not only did he not support me, he suspect that i like kiaki. what a way to stand up for your gf in bad times.
and he did nothing.. in times that i needed him most.


i really wonder if he loves me.
all he know what to think is whether i will leave him for another guy.. whether i two time him onot..
he was the one FREE FOR CHAT that day.. and he said that i m free for chat.


i can't stand it anymore!!!!! i felt like hurting him back.. getting back at him...
everytime we talk on the phone, he kept hinting that i m talking to guys..that i have other guys behind his back.
why can't he just think of himself first?? he and his girl-friends.


it really hurts alot!!!!! ... I can't talk to my friends... and i can't tell him either... and its even wrong to type it here... i wonder what can i really do in this cage of love.
who can i turn to???....

all these while...evon kept thinking of what a good bf he is to me.. because of the way i talk bout him.. and she kept having the impression that i don't love him at all.... but i really do.. i really do...
i just wish he stop hinting to me that i m flirty .... and for god sake, kill that bitch.

if i go sg and see him talking to her.. i SWEAR i will stab her to death.. I SWEAR.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i m still upset. i haven't calm down yet...


25082003 MONDAY

+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve+ve-ve I M GOING CRAZY

today.. i look at my fingernails.. long and white, and i thought "i will crop them off, it is time i return to my piano"



i see my stiff fingers dancing with effort across the keys..and i was thoroughly disappointed.
m i never good at what i love?


i tear out a piece of art canvas, and watch the pencil in my hand move timidly. unconfident strokes came upon the paper. a disfigured visage of a lady stare back at me with eyes too big for a face too small.
i was disappointed.
m i never good at what i love?


i turned on the radio.. and chose my favourite piano solo which used to make the tears well up in my eyes. as the music unroll.. i felt nothing but distaste for the music i had once love so much.
m i tired with what i love?


as the minutes pass like a boat on 1 knots.. the house slowly silence itself..and emotions took over me in my loneliness... i suddenly recall the spirit of my old self. i recall how to sit patiently by the piano, listening to my hideous attempts to perfection to the praises i will receive. i also recall how i used to see my father turn up his nose at the sight of my portraits to the confidence that i didn't lose til today when people crowd around me to see my deft strokes.
i remembered how the piano solo was the only thing in this world that has given me emotions, emotions that i thought will never be greater.


then i weep to myself and ask, "what happened to me?"


i fell in love. that's what happened.

phew...so tired.. in my school IT Lab now.. didn't have a good night sleep yesterday..kept dreaming of something that i can't remember..why can't i remember my dreams like he does?

wilson's bday party's photos came out...but i din' see... i dunno... afraid of my own ugly face...

i have nothing to do right now...so bored... went to his old website..downloaded the zip file..wonder what izzit.

i canceled liao.. no use seeing something that will probably spoil my day.. so its better i dun download.. idunno why i m afraid everytime i go to his website..maybe becuase of the past events..i wonder if he feelthe same bout mine too..

"say goodbye"


In the years to come, will you think about these moments that we shared,
In the years to come, are you gonna think over, and how we lived each day with no regrets,
nothing lasts forever though we want it to, the road ahead holds different dreams for me and you.

chorus

Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.


In a year from now maybe there'll be things we wished we'd never said,
in a year from now maybe we'll see eachother, standing on the same street corner no regrets,
each and every end is always writen in the stars, if only I could stop the world


Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.

And when you need my arms to run into, i'll come for you,
nothing will ever change the way I feel.


Sometimes goodbye so it in your heart it's the only way for destiny,
sometimes goodbye though it it's the only way left for you and me,
though it's the hardest thing to say, I miss your love in every way,
so say goodbye but don't you cry cause true love never dies.....

first of all..i would like to apologise to my boyfriend for surfing the net when i m sick. i felt terrible.. but i m bored out of my life. i m sorry darling..

ok.. topic for today... IN BETWEEN OF ALL AND NOTHINGNESS

if i can choose.. i would either choose all.. if i can't have all i would rather have nothing at all.. but right now.. i m in between of them.. i can't have all of him..but i can't let go and have nothing too.

just now i called and i can barely concentrate..but enough to realize there were no dears or lao pors... nor were there i love yous.. somehow i didn't mind cuz it was somewhat understood between us that we love each other.. (though a little bit disappointed :)
i find it harder to say i love you to him as each day passes by cuz i love him more n more deeply.. and everytime i say it.. i m on the verge of tears.. i read that guys hate girls who cried... and i m trying vvvvv hard not to. sometimes when i do, i pretend that i m not.. but that's hard.


and after that..my dad called. he told me to take care... but all i could remember is jingxiang telling me to take good care of myself. m i guilty?..hehe...

i dunno whether izzit i m influenced by him or izzit bout my love for him.. but i started to believe that we will be together for the rest of our lives. and i m so afraid of the million things that could go wrong for us.. i started to appreciate him more.. spending time with him as often as i could.. i dunno why..

the distance between us did some good.. at least when we really have each other next time.. we will be grateful and will not take each other for granted..and appreciate each other more.

but it also had it cons.. jealousy.. even i m affected by it... i was invincible in the first year we are together.. but recently i m vvv affected by girls in his life..

and there's something which i realized out of the blue recently... i always listened to the dreams he told me...so that i will know what he expect of us in the future..and of his impression towards me..
i feel vvv guilty cuz i didn't realize it earlier...me and my thick skin.. he didn't know bout it.and i m not planning to let him know.. i m not going to make him feel insecure ever again.

so that means i can't write bout it here.. hmmm....

i mean.. not that i m going to hide anything from him.. just that i will MURDER my social life...hehe.. so that i will have nothing to tell him..or hide from him..

gosh.. i didn't know typing can be such a burden tiring job.. can barely lift my hand.

i got back my eye disease anyway...the one i had last year... can't see nothing in my right eye.. blind. and i dunno why i m taking this so lightly..hehe.... cuz i know the fever and the stress causes it.

i m going to studee now.. i hope i can pass some of my hardworkingness to him..hehe.. then he'll be the best in his class... he's actually kinda intelligent.. i wonder why he wanted to waste it.. he could have turn everythign 360 degrees if he wanted to.. well... he already turned me around. :p

A LOVE I WILL NEVER FORGET cecilia cheung.

if i lost my memories, then would you please relive the times we broke up, the things that happened.
and tell me whether did i cry..did i fall down and hurt myself.

if i can't remember the bright and lively loving times we had, please tell me what did i do to you before.

the most hateful, the most loving..the most intimate moment.. all forgotten..but one thing i will never forget, that is YOU.
cuz my whole life is not worth remembering if i did not fall in love with you
if i really did get infatuated with you once, how can i ever forget you?
even if i have to be afraid and worry all my life... i will still love you.

if i really lost my memories, please remind me all over again of your flaws.. the mistakes i made, at least that will remind me of the pain i have been thru.

i wanna remember all of it, the happiness we been thru.
please tell me the days you made me smile n laugh.
the most hateful, the most intimate love..all forgotten but i still won't forget you.
eventhough its hurting, i still wanna remember you. i won't regret knowing you.
its the infatuation that i once had. i can't forget you..i can't. no matter what happened. i won't forget you..

joey yung's "xi guan shi lian" ..USED to BREAK UP.

..not holding your hand .. maybe i'll feel a little bit warmer.
once i hold your hand, doesn't mean the suffering will be less.
its too fast.. i haven't even enjoy the happiness, now i m already heartbroken.

i can't remember how warm is the love you gave me.
i can't think it thru.. i don't have the rights to make you softhearted.
but i know how sour my heart feels right now.

you thought that its my wrong..my fault last time that made you leave me, without even looking back at me.
why do you have to judge me so quickly..until our ending have to be like this??

i know i m not a good person, the only moment of my pride is when i m in love.
when i look back at the past, i can only question myself helplessly.
m i really that hateful that you have to hate me so much?

i know my tears will not touch you.
i only know how to hurt you.. why..why must i stay close to you?

you are not lonely.. maybe i m just a fool.
m i really not good enough..? or izzit because i don't know how to give you passionate kisses?
its enough to make you get fed up with me, can't give you happiness.

i m not worried, just feeling my heart getting bitter n sour.
i m only worried i will finally understand myself..understand the hopeless that i m.
i m afraid that next time i will soon get used to breaking up.

i m more afraid i will find out that we were never that close.
i m not attractive enough, you did not reject me hard enough.

did this love story ever exist onot?
why must i take all the blame when my heart is shattering and breaking?
can i still hold you back?
will i finally understand in my weariness.. understand how to love you?
loving someone is difficult..but i m willing to learn.
i m sure i can go on loving.

love me.. and i'll love you.

FOR A RADIANT STAR

TREYA HAD DECIDED TO DIE. There was no medical reason for her to die at this point. With medication and modest supports, her doctors felt she could live another several months at least, albeit in a hospital, and yes, then she would die. But Treya had made up her mind. She was not going to die like that, in a hospital, with tubes coming out of her and continuous IV morphine drip and the inevitable pneumonia and slow suffocation-all the horrible images that had gone through my mind at Drachenfels. And I had the strangest feeling that, whatever else her reasons, Treya was going to spare all of us that ordeal. She would simply bypass all that, thank you very much, and die peacefully now. But whatever her reasons, I knew that once Treya had made up her mind, then it was done.

I put Treya in bed that evening, and sat down next to her. She had become almost ecstatic. "I'm going, I can't believe it, I'm going. I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I'm so happy." Like a mantra of final release, she kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm so happy. . . ."
Her entire countenance lit up. She glowed. And right in front of my eyes her body began to change. Within one hour, it looked to me as if she lost ten pounds. It was as if her body, acquiescing to her will, began to shrink and draw in on itself. She began to shut down her vital systems. she began to die. Within that hour, she was a different being, ready an_ willing to leave. She was very determined about this, and she Was very happy. Her ecstatic response was infectious, and I found myself sharing in her joy, much to my confusion.
Then, rather abruptly, she said, "But I don't want to leave you. I love you so much. I can't leave you. I love you so much." She began crying, sobbing, and I began crying, sobbing, as well. I felt like I was crying all the tears of the past five years, deep tears I had held back in order to be strong for Treya. We talked at length of our love for each other, a love that had made both of us-it sounds corny-a love that had made both of us stronger, and better, and wiser. Decades of growth had gone into our care for each other, and now, faced with the conclusion of it all, we were both overwhelmed. It sounds so dry, but it was the tenderest moment I have ever known, with the only person with whom I could ever have known it.
"Honey, if it's time to go, then it's time to go. Don't worry, I'll find you. I found you before, I promise I'll find you again. So if you want to go, don't worry. Just go."
"You promise you'll find me?" "I promise."
I should explain that, during the last two weeks, Treya had almost ob
sessively been going over what I had said to her on the way to our wedding ceremony, five years earlier. I had whispered in her ear: "Where have you been? I've been searching for you for lifetimes. I finally found you. I had to slay dragons to find you, you know. And if anything happens, 1 will find you again." She looked profoundly at peace. "You promise?
I promise."
I have no conscious idea why I said that; I was simply stating, for reason I did not understand, exactly how I felt about our relationship. And it was to this exchange that Treya returned home an again during the last weeks. It seemed to give her a tremendous sense of safety. The world was OK if kept my promise.

And so she said, at that point, "You promise you'll find me?"
"I promise."

"Forever and forever?" "Forever and forever." "Then I can go, I can't believe it, I'm so happy. This has been much harder than I ever thought. It's been so hard. Honey, it's been so hard." "I know, sweetheart, I know." "But now I can go. I'm so happy. I love you so much, I'm so happy."
That night I slept on the acupuncture table in her room. It seems to me that I dreamt of a great luminous cloud of white light, hovering over the house, like the light of a thousand suns blazing on a snowcapped mountain. I say "it seems to me," because now I'm not sure whether it was a dream or not.

When I looked at her early the next morning (Sunday), she had just awoken. Her eyes were clear, she was very alert, and she was very deter mined: "I'm going. I'm so happy. You'll be there?"
"I'll be there, kid, Let's do it. Let's go."
I called the family. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was
something like, please come as soon as you can. I called Warren, the dear friend who had been helping Treya with acupuncture for the last few months. Again, I don't remember what I said. But I think that my tone said, It's dying time.
The family began arriving fairly early that day, and each member had a chance to have a last open talk with Treya. What I remember most was her saying how much she loved her family; how incredibly fortunate she felt to have each of them; how they were the best family anyone could Want. It was as if Treya were determined to "come clean" with every single family member; she was going to burn as clean as ashes, with no unspoken lines left in her body, with no guilt and no blame. As far as I can tell, she succeeded.
We put her to bed that night-Sunday night-and again I slept on her acupuncture table so I could be there if anything happened. Something extraordinary seemed to be going on in that house, and we all knew it.


About 3:30 that morning, Treya awoke abruptly. The atmosphere was almost hallucinogenic. I awoke immediately, and asked how she was. "Is it morphine time?" she said with a smile. In her entire ordeal with cancer, except for surgery, Treya had taken a sum total of four morphine tablets. "Sure, sweetie, whatever you want." I gave her a morphine tablet and a mild sleeping pill, and we had our last conversation.

"Sweetie, I think it's time to go," she began. "I'm here, honey."

"I'm so happy." Long pause. "This world is so weird. It's just so weird. But I'm going." Her mood was one of joy, and humor, and determination.
I began repeating several of the "pith phrases" from the religious traditions that she considered so important, phrases that she had wanted me to remind her of right up to the end, phrases she had carried with her on her flash cards.
"Relax with the presence of what is," I began. "Allow the self to uncoil in the vast expanse of all space. Your own primordial mind is unborn and undying; it was not born with this body and it will not die with this body. Recognize your own mind as eternally one with Spirit."
Her face relaxed, and she looked at me very clearly and directly. "You'll find me?"

"I promise."
"Then it's time to go."
There was a very long pause, and the room seemed to me to become entirely luminous, which was strange, given how utterly dark it was. It was the most sacred moment, the most direct moment, the simplest moment I have ever known. The most obvious. The most perfectly obvious. I had never seen anything like this in my life. I did not know what to do. I was simply present for Treya.
She moved toward me, trying to gesture, trying to say something, something she wanted me to understand, the last thing she told me. "You're the greatest man I've ever known," she whispered. "You're the greatest man I've ever known. My champion. . ." She kept repeating it: "My champion." I leaned forward to tell her that she was the only really enlightened person I had ever known. That enlightenment made sense to me because of her. That universe. That God existed because of her. All these things went through my mind. All these things 1 wanted to say. 1 knew she was aware how 1 felt, but my throat had closed in on itself; 1 couldn't speak; 1 wasn't crying, 1 just couldn't speak. 1 croaked out only, "I'll find you, honey, 1 will. . . ."
Treya closed her eyes, and for all purposes, she never opened them again.
My heart broke. Da Free John's phrase kept running through my mind: "Practice the wound of love. . . practice the wound of love." Real love hurts; real love makes you totally vulnerable and open; real love will take you far beyond yourself; and therefore real love will devastate you. 1 kept thinking, iflove does not shatter you, you do not know love. We had both been practicing the wound of love, and 1 was shattered. Looking back on it, it seems to me that in that simple and direct moment, we both died.. . .

Aloha, and Godspeed, my dearest Treya. 1 will always, already, find you. "You promise?" she whispered yet again to me.
"I promise, my dearest Treya."
1 promise.

THE HONEST ME

..how m i going to start. .. i just did something vv wrong. again.

..and i m feeling... stoned. i wonder what's wrong with me. i really wonder whats wrong with me.

i m so frustrated at myself.. i need to talk to someone right now but there was no one. so all i could do is to blog. and i really don't wanna tell it to others.. i dun need them to think that i m asking for pity or sympathy...or trying to prove i m innocent. i m guilty i know it and i can't help it.


even writing this now seems wrong to me.

i have been trying so hard..so so hard..to change myself into a better person. and everytime i tried too hard.. all i get was..." u r so fake".

i m aware that i m not a good person....i m trying my best..my vv best. but i just can't able to change myself. keeping quiet is wrong.. laughing is wrong...talking is wrong..joking is wrong.. what m i really supposed to do??

should i say sorry everytime i made a mistake? what for? saying sorry is only to make the person who is wrong less guilty. and if everything could be cured by a single word, 'sorry'.. i might as well not change.
but... other than apologizing... what can i really do??.. what?..

should i cry?.. and make others think that i m making them sympathise me?..and make others think that no matter how much i cry..i m not innocent.

should i say it out to others?.. what if the more i said.. the more faults i make?

or should i stop everything? and just be alone?.. this way no one gets hurt. but that would mean running away.


i really felt like talking to him at the moment.. moment like this when i needed him the most..


.. i felt like shit. i really do. why must this always happen??..why??.. why can't i change myself??.. i tried so hard....and all i did was to hurt people all the time. people who meant alot to me.

i m so useless..i felt useless. i can do nothing but watch myself hurt people who are important to me.

...and the thing that frustrated me the most is i didn't felt anything right now. not hurt..not guilty..not upset..not anything. i wonder if i m cold blooded. maybe i m.


...why izzit when i tried too hard..and i'll screw up..and when they hurt me back, i get too guilty of my mistakes in the past that i don't bother to tell them that they did in fact hurt me .. so that they won't be hurt like the way i hurt them?


why do i keep quiet at the wrong times..and laugh at the wrong times?

i m so sick of myself.. i really m. ...


...i tried harder n harder each time and that happens is i hurt them more n more. and what improves??
it got worse cuz last time i wasn't even aware of what's happening until a long time later..but now.. i m aware of it SECONDS after it happen..or during when its happening. but seconds still count. it is too late for me to do anything.


what m i supposed to do?? what else can i do? i can't apologize..nor talk..nor keep quiet.. what m i??
when i smile.. they say i m fake...when i laugh..they said i shouldn't laugh..

i felt so selfish.. i can't even change... i can't even change.

wa....vv tired orh.. wanna sleep..zzzzzzZZZZZ

yesterday i did something funny.. i was asleep and the phone rang.. it must be him..so i picked up.. but there was just the dial tone.
moments later..the phone rang again..i picked up and said, hallo, lao gong ar?
and then.. huh???

wrong person. its not him..so malu.. embarrassing..hehe.. the effect of missing someone too much...

my marks all drop..so far its all lower than my previous tests... so disappointing...


miss you darling..

...can we judge someone by their past?
.........i can't accept it.. i dunno why..
i hope i won't mind.

yesterday night.. he was late ..again. maybe i was too frustrated bout it.. .. as minute by minute passed by... i grew more n more upset.. when he finally called.. i was not calm.. and i just told him i m tired.. and i m sleepy.. he hung up disappointedly..
when he hung up. guilt and loneliness swept over me.. it suddenly seemed so quiet without his soothing voice.. i cried myself to sleep wondering why was i so cruel to him and wondering whether he feel the same way too.

i just felt that i m not important to him... ... and that hurts really bad..


today.. i was planning to go home..and rush down to send the letter..but i didn't. cuz the stupid kenny goh suddenly came to my class and announced that today got BM seminar.. compulsory... i hate him. he n his chubby cheeks.. fat arse. with his broken english i dunno how he can become the head of secondary.

so i stayed in school til round 6...i was studying chemistry when ting chen sat beside me... if i m not wrong he is 13 now.. i guess... his complexion is getting worse than ever.. i wonder what happened.. sunburnt or.. fire burnt??
and i saw jien chen too... so i assumed that yee chen must be coming later to fetch them..
its been half a year since i last saw him. and i really dun wanna see him.


later after that.. a car.. came.. and ting chen n jien chen got into the car.. i saw yee chen on the driver seat. the moment i laid eyes on him, it started happening again. the familiar feeling of nervousness... chemical reactions bubble up in my head.. .. the same feeling of overeacting.

i hate myself.. i really do. me n him.. we are nothing.. had nothing. started nothing. .. but dunno why the hell i still feel like that.. even though i love jingxiang deeper n deeper each day.. and i totally don't give a damn bout him anymore.. i dunno why its still like this...

when he drove away.. i kept thinking of the tarot cards i played at my cousin's house. i played for jingxiang.. and him.

there's 4 cards...1st card bout how i think.. and the card showed that he messed up my mind and my life..
the 2nd card bout the current situation...the card said that he will have a chance next time.. but .. chance to do what? to get me?..if that's true..that means one day i will leave jingxiang??
the 3rd card.. bout how he think.. he think that i turn his life upside down.. thats true.. cuz all these while he's been trying like mad to find out who i m.
the 4th card.. the most important one.. bout the ending we will have. its the BEST card in the set. .. meaning that me n him will live happily ever after.

that's so bullshit.

for jingxiang.. oh by the way..during the time i played the cards..me n him were having misunderstanding.
1st card...bout how i think.. the card told me to have more empathy, to put myself in his shoes and think whether wat i did was wrong onot.. its vv true btw.. i realized that soon enouhg.
2nd card.. the situation at that time.. telling both of us to cool things off and think whether are we really suitable for each other onot.
3rd card.. how he think.. its a STAR card.. stars..what he like.. hmm..what a coincidence..eventhough long time liao.. i still remember..hehe.. anyway. it said that he thought that i m perfect?.. that time we haven't meet yet.. and i m his dream girl all those stuff..
4th card.. the ending.

its a JUDGEMENT card. that means everything lies in the two of us. if one of us decides to let go, then its over. and it also said that one day we will break up... but will be together again, it is only then we finally knew what is love. it also reminded that everything lies in our decision.


its so true. cuz months later.. after we met. he ignored me.. counted as break up. when we got back together.. we are much more loving..and we appreciate each other more. like now.



i still remember .. i put [ <>] in my icq details

the WORLD refer to the 4th card for yee chen.. . cuz i really wanna be with jingxiang..not yee chen.


and during the month he ignored me.. i played again. this time i only played for him. and... surprisingly... the result of the card overall said that eventhough things are over between me and him, we are still vv connected in out hearts. and still love each other.

after 2 weeks.. he smsed me. true huh?


but i wished its just a coincidence. .. cuz if its the truth.. what bout the one bout me being with yee chen??? i dun wanna be with yee chen.. i wanna be with him. only him.
i hope nothing happens. and besides.. yee chen will never like me.. and i m vv confident that jingxiang won't let me go.. um... hopefully??


... please..please..please..let me be with jingxiang.

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i went to watch heroic duo today.. at first i wasn't so keen on watching it but when i found out that karena lam is in it.. i kinda wanna watch it.. cuz she's such a good actress..

it was great.. especially the love story in it.
its about a hynotist who was a police officer.. he had a wife that loves him alot.. but he doesn't care bout her much. neglects her alot.. that one day a man was seducing her, she shoots him dead..and at the same time, he came back. she cried and said.."where were you when i needed you?..where were you?"

he took the blame ..and went for jail.

after he left.. she cried everyday... she cried too much until she became blind.

a few years later..an inspector went to see him because there was a case regarding hynotism.. another police offircer was hypnotised to open the safe box and burnt that safe box.

the story went on.. and on.. it had a strong story line..

i like the part where his wife was locked in the vacumn room with only one hour of oxygen. she was asleep.. because of the lack of oxygen.. he tried all his means to open the door to save her.. using a tank to bang the glass so that it will break.. even when he was shot twice.. he still try to open the door..

he finally opened the door.. he kept shaking her so that she will wake up.. kept asking her to wake up.. but he couldn't take it and he collapsed in her lap.. . she opened her eyes moment later and found him in her lap.. she kept asking him to wake up this time.. but he never did cuz he did thinking that she was dead.

a kinda like the modern romeo n juliet..

its vv nice.. highly recomendable.

hysteria

... why m i overeacting...
i start to hate myself again.. i dunno why.. sigh..

i found something vvvv INTERESTING...hehe.. i was surfing round the net.. and i was browsing thru some sheet musics.. guess what i found??
the sheet music for saranghamnida

so happy..but i only got one page.. no more liao..sigh.. need to pay... so.. on the top of my wishlist is this sheet music.. although it only have the treble clef.. dun have bass..but it was kind enough to have chords...



hehe..hinting hinting.. who wanna buy for me??

The Love Test



long, when you're head over heels, you are an Essential Companion

You respect and value the people in your life, but you also make your romantic relationships a top priority. You are not typically the type to try to impress others with fancy romantic gestures. Nor are you someone who obsesses over your appearance. If that special someone is willing to take you as you are, you will happily do the same for them. And if they're not, chances are you should keep on following your heart to a new love for your life — one that might be right around the corner.

Love does change you. Whether it simply enhances who you already are, or makes you a completely different person, finding someone whose love personality compliments your own makes for the longest, happiest relationships.

finally finish romanizing the song.. all by myself. hehe.. so proud.. eh.. hard work you know...


i m bored..lonely and cold.. dad at genting.. everyone asleep.. what can i do but online?
yep.. alone.. so .. i m thinking alot.. way too much.. i hate the way i cried so easily.. i used to be so tough.. but i guess you cannot say a person who cries easily as weaklings.. cuz they might not be.. ahem.. i m refering to me.

i m so cold.. i think i have to sleep..

사랑합니다
saranghamnida
by TIM

나빠요

nappayo



참 그 대 란 사 람

chmaku taenansarang



허 락도 없이

honnakto yae si



왜 내 맘 가져요

oaennae mma ka chyo yo



그대때문에

kutae ttae mun en

난 힘겹게 살고만
있는데

na mih kyom ke sanko man niss nt te

그댄 모르잖아요

kutaen monu chanh na yo



알아요

ang nayo

나는 아니란걸

na nt na ni nna go

눈길 줄만큼

nut kan chun man kum

보잘것 없단걸

pochyo kasyae tan kon



다만 가끔씩

ta man kakkumssik

그저 그 미소 여기
내게도

kucho ku mi so yon ki nae ke to

 나눠줄수 없나요  

na nua chun su yae nayo

-----------------------------------------------

비록사랑은 아니라도

pi nok sarangtng angninato

언 젠 간 한 번 쯤 은
돌 아 봐 주 겠 죠  

angchen kanhan pan tchumton angpao chu kess chyo

한없이 뒤에서 기다리면

hanyae ing tui eng sho kitani myon

오늘도

ong nun to

차마 못한

cha ma shmo han

가슴속 한마디  

kashm shon han ma ti



그댈 사랑합니다

kutaen sharanghamnida

-------------------------------------------

어제도

ong che to

책상에 엎드려 

chaek shang ong pang tu nyo

  그댈 그리다

ku taen ku ni ka

잠들었나봐요

cham tun ongss poa yong

눈을 떠보니

nun ung tto po ni

눈물에 녹아 흩어져있던 

nun mun eng nok ang hut ong chyo ingss ton

시린 그대 이름과  

shi nin kutae ing num kao

헛된 바램뿐인 낙서만


sho toin pa naem ppun ing kan sho man

-------------------------------------

언 젠 간 한 번 쯤 은
돌 아 봐 주 겠 죠  

angchen kanhan pan tchumton angpao chu kess chyo

한없이 뒤에서 기다리면

hanyae ing tui eng sho kitani myon

오늘도

ong nun to

차마 못한

cha ma shmo han

가슴속 한마디  

kashm shon han ma ti



그댈 사랑합니다

kutaen saranghamnida

------------------------------

이젠 너무나도 내겐
익숙한

ingchen nomu na tonae ken kin shuk han



그대 뒷모습을 바라보며


kutae tsui mo shunpana po myo



흐르는

hu nu tun

눈물처럼

nut mun cho nam

소리없는 그 말  


sho ni yaenun ku mon



그댈 사랑합니다...

ku taen saranghamnida

 

there's still a week left for exams.

i miss him... wonder what is he doing now.. .hope he'll call tonight.. he always call when i m not expecting.. so i must not expect his call..

i m trying vvv hard to be a good gf.... just hope he'll be happy..
i deleted my previous blog.. the long one.. i also dunno why i did that.. maybe because i don't want him to see gua.. i don't wanna risk losing him again.. and i m tired of arguing or having cold war.. so i m just going to tolerate and try to talk things out no matter what happened from now onwards.


i wish he's here... then we can do daily stuff together.. watch tv in each other's arms.. or go walk walk down to the playground... play with my sis together...

i m waiting desperately for my allowance to come so i can send him that thing... i need to buy envelope..and nice papers from the paper art gallery.. wanna make him something nice... hmm.. but i dun have any inspirations yet...


i wanna go sleep...zzzzzz (^(oo)^)

i got inspired.
i wanna learn oil painting... and i m definitely into surrealism.

what m i thinking.

"To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart."

i'll have the lyrics romanized and translated.
hmm.. why do i always go thru so much measures for things i like? boasting.. hehe

사랑합니다
saranghamnida
by TIM

나빠요 참 그대란
사람 허락도 없이 왜 내
맘 가져요

그대때문에 난 힘겹게
살고만 있는데 그댄 모르잖아요

알아요 나는 아니란걸
눈길 줄만큼 보잘것 없단걸

다만 가끔씩 그저 그 미소
여기 내게도 나눠줄수
없나요   

비록 사랑은 아니라도언젠간
한번쯤은 돌아봐주겠죠  

한없이 뒤에서
기다리면 오늘도
차마 못한 가슴속 한마디  

그댈 사랑합니다

어제도 책상에 엎드려  
그댈 그리다 잠들었나봐요

눈을 떠보니 눈물에
녹아 흩어져있던  
시린 그대 이름과  




헛된 바램뿐인 낙서만
이젠 너무나도 내겐
익숙한

그대 뒷모습을 바라보며


흐르는 눈물처럼 소리없는
그 말  

그댈 사랑합니다...

 

my exams is next week.. and this weekend i m going to um.. sungai limbong..pahang.. i think. with my dad.. how to study ne?
well.. who cares?

anyway.. i m on good terms with him again. though he seldom call nowadays.. i don't mind. after all, i can't possibly expect him to splurge so much everyday.. and i m sorry too cuz i m financially broke..

looking on the bright side.. this might do us good.. well.. if he calls me too often.. it might not be as special..right?
but i can't help hoping. so i m saving as much as i can so that i can call him using public phone in school.. eventhough just for few minutes.. hearing his voice made me more willed to study harder in class and do better.

i wonder if i have the same effect on him..

he had a habit of calling me late into the night.. which i have nothing to complain about but just that when i was sleeping..and i picked up, i tend to say things without them going thru my brain.. and as i always wanted to call him lao gong. i din dare to when i was fully awake and sober. but when he call me when i was sleeping.. i m always lao gong.. lao gong.. aiyo... and i tend to be more emotional and less casual.. i wonder if its a good thing..

hehe.. maybe he realize and its the reason why he call me late at night?


i found out who sang I LOVE YOU.. i manage to contact that person who sent me the song.. and i was told that it was sung by Tim... i m going to search for it right now. hope i can get the translated lyrics.

so far.. i know it is romanized as 'Saranghamnida'

oh god. i MUST find the lyrics.

i m never this upset.. why is feelings getting more n more intense for me??.. upset..anger.. whatever..

guess i m going to cry myself to sleep tonight again...but who cares?.. i mean.. who will care.

i felt like stealing my passport.. take a plane to japan.. go eat sushi..play piano..go to california.. eat the steaks.. then go to singapore.. stripped myself naked in front of him and stab myself to death right on that spot.

yea. i m insane.

i dunno what have gotten into me.. the first half of today i was fine. perfectly fine. but just now i was screaming n crying n bawling in my room.. crying so hard n loud i bet everyone heard.

i m so frustrated that i have thoughts of ending my life. i wanna stab myself to death. i dunno why i m so frus.


i browse thru my hp phone book for people to call and talk to.. but i realize i had no one.. no one but him.

i was surprised myself at how serious i m taking this matter.. i really feel so tortured n pressured that i feel like ending everything with a stab.

n i got the answer.. i didn't even realize it. i m taking this seriously because ihe is more important to me than last time.

no matter how hard i try..or vry..w hatever i can't change anything. it just keep happening over over again...does it.

althought i was vvv tempted to hurt myself.. with knives..punches.. i didn't/ cuz i know that will make me more a fool than the fool i m already m now. besides..my friends will certainly hate me if i do that..

i feel so trapped. i can't die. i can't live. i can't be happy i can't be sad. i can't be the way i wanted to be. i can't be artificial. i just have to please every single damn person i know. i had to smile for them.. cry for them..give them the reaction they wanted. make them happy. well. i M A BLOODY FOOL.


why m i so unstable.?? why m i so easily depressed n cry so easily?

its just getting so so hard for me to care for him. sometimes i felt like cutting off eveyrthing, placing my hopes on paris n on paris alone. i don't have to live up to any more expectations of him or of myself.. and all i gotta do is stay faithful n love him til that day comes. and don't have to worry whether i said something wrong..did something wrong.. hell its difficult.

it seems that everything i do is never enough.. like he put it, its my efforts wasted. but i have never felt that way cuz i was willing to do anything for him..

i know i might not be tall enough.. or pretty enough..or clever enough... but its stuff i can never change.


and i don't know why he wanna diet or starve himself.. maybe he did that to buy the phone cards.. or like he said, he wanna be good for me.. i have long ago accepted him for the way he is.. and though i m apprecitive for what he's doing..i can't help feeling guilty.. for making him think like that.

oh well.. good days will always come to an end. like last time.. during the period of time where we explore our digital self almost everyday.. and got so much more closer... hell came. or rather. that bitch came.

and now.. when we are calling each other.. phone cards... hell came again.. but this time.. i wonder who's wrong. it cannot be said that its his fault..nor it is mine. but one thing's for sure.. there will be no more emails/calls/or even sms from him..


i dunno.. but just now i was suddenly so afraid.. so afraid that he might ignore me like how he did for that one month. i don't think i can bear the pain this time. and though he told me he wanted me to hold him back.. i kept asking myself...HOW? saying i love you won't solve anything. telling him not to leave me?.. i have told him that millions of times before.

but what can i do? if this is the first time he's ignoring me..i might still go thru all means to get him to talk to me again... but after that one month which i was treated like a fool.. i emailed, sms, called, and i BELIEVED him when he said he ran away, i still tried when i saw his website. but.. its only when i wanted to give up, then he came back.

now.. i really don't wanna go thru all that again. its not that i m tired... but it can really hurt me emotionally to be ignored n rejected again and again. so how can i hold him back?


and btw.. that night.. i wasn't actually upset with him.. i just felt so tired n sick n unwell that i don't feel like hearing bout his stalker...i just wanted some sleep and i planned to call him the next morning.. but i don't know why it turned out to be like this.

well.. fair enough. i ignored him at first. so now he's ignoring me again. i m so tired.. so so tired of playing games.. games that i will lose.. and when its game over, someone tell me they made a mistake and i actually won.

expectations.. i have high expectations of myself... i never expect humans to be willingly faithful..but they will be faithful if they are overwhelmed by love... i have been trying all means to overwhelm him with love so that he will be faithful...

i know.. i should love him and ignore my own emotions.. but right now.. i just can't ignore it.. yea..i have always been a selfish person.. i care for my feelings.

.. maybe its the way we are brought up... i m brought up with a moral education of 16 values and 64 subvalues... friendly being one of them. when i enter a room full of strangers..somehow the one next to me will start a conversation with me.. or the other way round.. when i fall down, strangers will help me up. when i cry when i was young.. people will help me. .. and .. that makes me wanna talk to others in a room, help others in need..

the malaysian syllabus put it this way... friendliness ..[definition] .. never shut yourself out of the society. have to socialize without putting a thought bout the differences in sex, religions and races.

while..in singapore.. i m not aware at what happened there..


...it was just a joke. but i guess it went too far.. seth was just my favourite name.. .. ..i had no idea it will go this far..


i m upset.. n now i have negative thoughts.. bout everything thats going on.. .. but how can i say?

..well..conclusion is i m a slow person.. when something happens.. something that will upset me.. i will be numb during the happening... and still react normally.. but after 5 seconds, the impact start hitting me like knives stabbing my heart. which is why i seldom give a satisfactory reaction.. this include hurt and jealousy. only feeling that hits me right on everytime is anger.

and when i finally register the feelings in me, the frequency of it happening would have made me numb enough to keep quiet.

.. i don't know why m i angry.. i mean.. this has happened many times before in the past.. i should have gotten used to it and realize the ending is still the same.
..well.. maybe it is the many times thats making me upset.. how many times must this happen??.. ..why can't it be stopped?


.... i don't know.. i really don't know.. i even asked him.. why would he wanna do that. he wanted to see my reaction, he said. ... izzit really that important to see my reaction?. is there such a need...

at that time.. i just laughed it off.. but.. i was actually so so hurt.... not by him.. but by my own disability to let him know how much i really love him..let him know theres really no need for him to doubt me..

i dunno what change me.. but things that happen that i m supposed to blame him, i m blaming myself for it. blaming myself for not being good enough, for making him make such decisions.. making him tired of everything, making him upset..and most of all, for making him wanna give up on me at times.

but i really wonder what do i still need to do.. irony is.what CAN i do?.. the distance in between us is big enough a border. if he's around, i might tag on to him all day long... make him happy.. but he's not. and what else can i do other than emailing him, icq him.. sms him..phone him.. and just be faithful.

but even being faithful is a problem. cuz faithful have different definitions for him n for me. for me, he can talk to girls.. he can go out with them.. as long as he is not going out alone with one of them...as in pair. and of course.. he must not 2 time me.. or lie to me bout them..

and.. because of how i think, i thought that what i want is what he want. i talk to guys, i go out with them in groups.. of course the girls are more in quantity everytime. i never 2 time him..or lie to him bout them.
but.. i was wrong.. it wasn't what he wanted. at all.

his defintion of faithful is.. not talking to guys, not going out with them either in groups or alone, cannot 2 time, cannot talk bout them. actually the last one isn't such a need, but i feel it is important cuz when i do that, it will hurt him lots.

so.. of course..he thought what he want is what i want. he din talk to girls..or go out with them.. din 2 time me.. ..he din talk bout them..


so ok.. i was ready to compromise.. he don't have to change a thing.. i'll do the changing. i stopped talking to guys. din go out with them.. and try my best not to talk bout them. sometimes casual conversations like lending stuffs.. group dicussions.. hellos.. byes.. i even felt compelled to lie to him that nothinbg happen so that i won't hurt him. but i didn't... i just kept quiet and say nothing..but if he ask, i m honest.. n he will get the impression that i hide things from him..


..i really don't know what to do anymore ..i really don't. ...he's not the only one who wanna give up on us.. i do too. but i will never tell him that cuz i know it hurts if i say so... i knew cuz he said it to me. it really hurts real bad.


....i still remember.. the many times when i was upset.. i called him to hear him say sorry to me.. but when he was upset.. i was also the one calling him to say sorry..

now its happening again, i m upset. he had no idea why i m upset. he is tired of all these. i m also tired of everything. he don't feel like making the first move. i m also feeling the same way. both of us thinking of letting go. but deep down, we just knew we be back together..and couldn't be bothered bout what's happening now during the period of apologizing.


enough le.. enough of my negative comments.



want something positive?



although i m not sure this time who will end up apologizing.. but i m 99.2% sure that he is thinking of me now.


i sure sounded confident. but i m also hoping la. :p