diary diary diary.

today went to school..got my results..pretty shocking.. u could say.
those who i expected to get straight a's turned out missing one grade or two.

suddenly everything was a blur. n messy. n crowded.

i didn't feel happy at all. i wonder why. maybe like the saying, when no one supported u n u succeeded at something, u wouldn't feel that satisfied at all.

now i m afraid. afraid of...

seeing all of them.. is kinda ..delighted? pooi kuan's prettier.. amy's prettier.

hmm..shall i relate today's events by time chronologically?


ok. here goes.

yesterday slept at 4 am. couldn't sleep at all.. frustrated. woke up at 8.30 am though i wanna continue sleeping. then chin kuan arrived. man, i tot i was scared. she broke the record.

my sis woke up.. i wash her up n gave her some milk. then lie yuen came. we updated each other on events that happened. oh yea. including the taxi driver incident.

then we went down to the lonely restaurant near the play ground for breakfast. u see it was just 10..n our results will come out around 11.30am.

then at 11 am, we sat in lie yuen's car ...out to doom. it was the most freaked out drive in history for me. i was tired n sleepy, barely able to open my eyes. all of us were hectic. sudden laughs n shouts n cries. people who dunno us might think we r insane.

every single phone call that came made us higgety jiggety.n the damn trafic is so slow.(oh gosh!! i just coughed out a cake of very hard blood!!)

finally we made it to school.. ca po was already there waiting for us.

cikgu laili was there. she was happily telling ca po that ca po got a 3B for her BM.. both of them were jumping like little kids. n suddenly laili turned to me n told me wat i got. now i became the one screaming n shouting n jumping. n i ran all the wat to the office to get my slip.

i got my slip. suddenly i was catapulted to ..stardom? more like stardOOm.

eunice got like..9 A1's..which is so nice. she got A1 for her gce-o 1119 too. i m so happy for her, she can finally get out of her sister n bro's shadow. ain't that cool?


ken yip got straight A's.. hmm who else? japheth n chung siew too. EH!! y all guys only?
girls.. oh . shireen missed one. which is vvv surprising. since she's the best of us..
i expected pooi kuan to get 10 A's.. but she missed 3 of them.
i dunno wat watt ma get...
kwai yee did ok, lots of A's too.

but wat i really wanna know is carmenlansi. hehe. she go to london liao.. but i think she will straight the A's.

lie yuen did well too.. 8/9 A's.
capo n chin kuan did fair. their mood was bit subdued. i was kinda hoping all 6 of us can ace it all together n we can celebrate it ..

zzen got 4/9.... oh no..we lost the bet. now we gotta buy her sushi. great

bout cheng yee.. i m not so sure. she din come today she was working. hope she did fine.


came home.. eunice called around 5 asking me to go out mid valley to celebrate. i had not a cent in my wallet. so i rejected. not that i would go if i had the money. high school friends.. they sometimes make u wanna be with them.. but most of the time the other way round.

i m so damn hungry now. wish my dad will stop his mahjong.

dear diary

today i made up with him.
which makes me curious whether the checkers game we play n i won is because of his suicide. or did i win fair n square?

well.. lets just say everything's alright now.

tomoro SPM RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem.

ahem

AEHRFGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. that feels better.

shit! kena virus!!!!!!

... my computer.. oh no.

ok. wat happen today?

i made a complete fool of myself with him. i was begging n begging n damn!it made me felt cheap.

i wish he could stop playing games with me. i m getting tired of it.

felt like giving up myself.

..no comment

i finally know the truth today, tim msged me on my msn messenger.. n it seemed that jx sent him a pic of me when they chat. a pic which were meant only for jx's eyes.. how could he send them to others.


that pic were meant only for him.. how could he send it to others n blame me for causing everything. if he did not send that pic, tim would not say anything bout me being pretty.. nor offer to bring me about in aussie.

i dunno.. its as if he's doing all he can to break off with me diary... perhaps he didn't love me anymore.


tim apologized.. saying that he din really know me n now caused such a big trouble. he assured me he was just being friendly that day.. n all he wants is just to be friends.


me too.. all i want is just to be friends. all these while, i wasn't at all close to tim...i did not send him my pics... nor talk to him long enough. usually i ignored him after a few msgs.

y won't he understand.



u know wat diary... today when i go online to talk to u, i suddenly have the urge to avoid him. i sign on to my old icq to see whether is he there onot first.. he wasn't. then i realized theres no point in me avoiding him.


i online with my usual 146997070..n theres a msg. i do not know from whom. n then the whole icq hang.

i was frustrated. it could have been him. it must be.

but after a few seconds.. i realized that.. even if its him, it might not be words that i wanted to hear.



diary, i know he's not the type that break up with me over this kinda trivial matter.. cuz i know he loves me.

perhaps he had another reason?... NS is coming soon. perhaps he want me to find someone else because of that.

i dunno diary.. m i supposed to wait for him.. or m i supposed to move on?
i can't help but think bout the prediction.. if things continue to be like this, i might turn to be a workalholic just to ease my mind off the pain. n the prediction might come true.

my heart hurts to know that he left me all alone to fight against the prediction. n he even contributed to help make the prediction come true.

diary, i dun wanna be such a material girl when i grow up. neither do i wanna lose everything i have before finding him back. i wanted everything to be his but y won't he understand. y won't he fight with me against the prediction.

diary, tell me how could he just walk away like that. cuz no matter wat i do, i can close the door on him. he is so deeply scored within my memories n my soul that i wonder death could even ease me from the pain.


i long to hear him call me 'dear' once more.. n tell me he would never let me go. its funny... how those little things mattered. n no matter how others tried to talk like him, the feeling just isn't the same compared to his words.


tell me diary... m i in love?
if love means loving n being loved in return. m i still in love?
my tears have long dried up, it hurts to cry now... cuz my lids are crusty from the friction of tears n hand rubbing.. it stings.


i m sorry diary, i have neglected u for so long.. u see, when i have him.. i used to talk to him all the time..n though i was troubled, it was all forgotten when i talk to him. now that he's gone, no matter how many times i go thru my troubles with u diary, it seems that they only know how to increase but when with him, i did not even have to tell him bout wat they are cuz they doesn't seemed at all that troubling to me anymore.


i m sorry too... if u ever read this.. cuz i got the feeling that when u tell me ur problems, its not because u wanted me to know bout them. i thought u just wanna clear ur mind off those problems , like draining water away from a tub. so i just listened n seldom comment. i m sorry if its not the way u wanted it to be.

n i m sorry if i embarrassed myself yesterday night by calling u.. n warbling like a wild pig out lose. i see that u r using a new phone. i m grateful, cuz if ever i want to be near u, hearing the ringtone makes me feel closer to u.
i m sorry if wat i said now might be sacarstic to u.. but i m not trying to be sacarstic.

i know u r tired, n felt like letting go.. n giving up on me. i don't blame u. i have irritate u without my own consent.

i m afraid of being alone in singapore.. afraid of the excuses i have to make up to my aunt. afraid of facing my dad when i come back.

i m afraid no one will be here to remind me of wat limits i should have when i grow up. he's gone already. i wish he could come back.

dear diary

today i woke up n could barely open my eyes... i could hardly restrain myself from calling him yesterday night... twice. i think i might have cried till morning.. but i woke up nyway due to the horribulous constrution drilling music.

my sis was kinda enough to accompany me in bed when she came home from school. she hugged me.. though it wasn't that passionate... its nice to know someone still cares.


i practically crawl down to the living room on all fours without my contact lens to pass the phone to my sis.her mom called. i lay sprawled n blind on the couch n read the last few chapters of 'memoirs of geisha'

.. judging from the way i slept, did not brush my teeth n no contact lens i tot i would have looked horrible.. my eyes felt swollen n hard to open.. n my skin felt waxy.. i had hardly enough sleep nowadays...

finally i went up to my room n put my contact lens on.. tear the comb thru my hair n avoiding the mirror.


i helped my sis tie her hair.. n she wanted to see the mirror.. so i carried her to the bathroom, n bring a mirror for her to view the back of her head. u know how hairdresser usually put a mirror in front of another mirror..like tat

i couldn't help noticing how good i look. my hair look neat n fluffy. perhaps its the amount of money i spent on it. my skin were fairer.. i did not know y. maybe because nowadays i forced myself to drink a cup of water every half n hour.

the only thing thats out of place is my eyes.. well..my friends all knew that if i had enough sleep.. it would be single lidded. but if i did not have a good night sleep.. it would be double lidded.

both of them were double lidded..sorta drooping down sadly.


well diary, i guess i had to move on anyway. i tot of dying yesterday.. i couldn't see any point in living anyway. i tot of cutting one ofm my veins out n watch it bleed. but i heard it gets cold for those who die like this. they often countered this by sitting in a tub of warm water first.


no warm water for me. just the blankie n the bolstie. my sis smelt the bolster n commented that they had to take a bath too.


diary.. should i go to singapore? though i see no point in doing so now..


today i wander aimlessly in my room.. looking at the walls .. with his name n contact numbers on his... my personal diary.. full of his notes.. the little corner on my desk with all our pics. the boxes over there, full with the stuffs i got for him.. n the paper bag over the table with his cgs that i printed, n his letters.

i wonder if i ever have the heart to chug them all away.

and the ring on my finger. i do not know.

i wish he'll stay..n tell me he still love me.

i do not understand.. i do not understand. i wasn't being unfaithful.. y must he say i m. y must he leave when i did nothing wrong. i do not understand. day after day i was preparing to go sg..n suddenly he left me for a reason i could not agree with.

y??


Y WON"T SOMEONE TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.

.. guess its just me n u diary from now on.

i'll try to be happy but these tears won't stop falling.. i wished i knew wat really happened cuz things happened rreally fast for me to make sense of them.

i think tomoro, i'll keep myself busy.. by returning all the things i borrowed from my freinds.. the pepper spray n the piano books..

my heart's really pain now. nothing could be more painful. maybe i'll end my life. cuz i know now if i do,no one will cry for me. not my dad, not my cousins.

my friends are all gone into their own future..

i m all alone.. all alone.. i feel really cold.. i have a towel over my legs to keep me warm.


maybe i'll confide to my father bout everything n he'll make it ok for me with a hug n a kiss. maybe he'll understand n let me stay in malaysia next week.




i finally know what the dreams meant. the insecurity of me being alone. the thing that was chasing me is the break up. it occured twice to me in my sleep cuz it hurt twice as bad. being warned didn't help. i kept running away from the breakup, thinking that he'll still love me back one day. but now i had to face it.

in my dreams, it occured twice with the 2nd time for me to make ammendments.. cuz i wasn't willing to give in.
right now, i have no 2nd chance... n though i didn't wanna give in... i m forced to move on.


it hurts real bad diary, n i want a shoulder to cry on, but i guess i only have my bolster.



diary, i really love him. with all my heart n soul. but why do things turned out to be like this.. theres no one to help me. i have told many people i love him, but all the people... they r gone.


y diary.. y?
he is my first love. y do i have to screw up.

i wish he's mine again. my heart's so in pain.. i dun feel like living anymore. i dun feel like facing the world anymore. all the buildings.. n the wide blue sky.. all doesn't seem to matter anymore.

... he's gonna move on.. like how he did when he first be with me. i m going to be his past..his history..

y.. i tot his love for me is strong.. i tot he would believe me when i said i love him. but he don't anymore.. he don't.

.... pls. won't someone tell him that i love him. won't someone remind him of wat i did for him.


pls... won't someone. won't someone.. anyone.

jx
jx, sometimes when things don't go your way you can get emotionally shut down and decide to walk away. Today you could have a discussion with someone that brings up some intense issues. Before you run away from uncomfortable emotions, try to figure out what this situation has to teach you. If you can breathe and come at things from a positive space, you should be able to resolve this problem and make a fresh start.

Daily Numerology

If there is someone you are especially close to in your family, jx, you might find that you feel a real need to spend time with this person. Your need is undoubtedly a result of this 6-Day, Nine, as this vibration encourages appreciation of family bonds. Don't hold back. Make plans to get together with the person who is on your mind. If they are far away, a phone call or e-mail might suffice.

...............................................................

Your mental scheming is hard at work today, yen, and you are on the verge of sending yourself down a dark pit of complete confusion and frustration. Work to balance out the issues, and take things one step at a time. Prioritize your objectives and write them down for future reference. Try not to take your frustrations out on others, but instead work to focus your attention inward and bring consciousness to your powerful mental processes.

Daily Numerology

You may find your desire to work is far more focused on the home environment than the job site today, yen. This is thanks to this 6-Day, and if you can, make the most of it. Whether you've been thinking of doing a little redecorating or home improvements, this is the time to make it happen, Four. Even if you just go about making repairs and touching things up here and there, you'll feel great that you got these tasks off the back burner, and done.

.. felt like going up my room n cry myself to death.. but who's gonna dry my tears for me.
my dad just gave me an envelope to pass it to my aunt in sg. looks like i had to go there. period.
life just seemed so unsure for me.

i really dun feel like going to sg.. poking at certain numbers on the telephone n getting no answer watsoever. its bad enough getting dumped.

looks like love can't triumph over fate.


.. my dad told me to sit on the bus.. damn i m scared.. wat if someone point a knife at me..hell. i couldn't take it.

oh well..my life couldn't get any worser than this. n my aunt told me to inform her whether someone will be sending me to her house or whether she is going to pick me up. well I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. CAN EVERYONE STOP BUGGING ME?? .. gimme a break everyone..

i really don't know..sob.. i don't know.

i didn't know .. i didn't know things would turn out to be like this.


its my fault. its my fault that the application suddenly pops up. n my fault that that guy suddenly turned all mushy.

all my fault. bad luck comes. hope it ends this sat. i m getting my result. i m cold n lonely.. but i still have to face it, alone or accompanied.


now i wanna go sleep. he probably doesn't care whether i show up in sg onot. well.. let him misunderstand me. i m too tired to tell him i m not a flirt, neither m i a whore.
if he had a heart, he'll contact me. bets welcomed.

sometimes...things happened for a reason. though i wish they would be simpler.........

perhaps it would be simpler if i take everything that happened as a dream. now that i m awake, theres no way of going back to the same dream....


will i always be there for u, when u need someone will i be that one u need?
will i do all my best to protect u
when the tears get near to ur eye, will i be the one thats by ur side?
will i be there when u call me in the middle of the night.
will i keep the rain from falling down into ur eyes.
i promise, i promise i will

Will I take tender care of you , take ur darkest night n make it bright for u
will i be there to make u strong n to lean on when the the world turn so cold will i be the one for u to hold.

n i love you more every day n nothing will take that love away
When you need someone i promise i be there for you
i promise .

amphibians or ambitious


i wish people would stop judging me by my decisions n the way i portray myself to the public.

yes, my 'father' once more beat my sis, and in his rage, he decided to give me a few lash or so. why the '.....' u ask? because how can someone be ur father when u always get afraid in his presense or even, at the mere mention of him.

does ur father give u that kinda feeling?


and again, he chose to give me more of his 'good advice' before leaving me alone. wat advice.. u ask?
oh.. he chose to advice me in the most appropriate way of critism.

of cos, first he would say i m too thin, not eating home cook food.

which those who came to my house before would understand i rather starve than eat those food at home. nevermind the taste, nevermind the way they r presented, just mind the menu is enough. who could possibly be fat when they stay at my house?


and 2ndly, he chose to hover over me when i m eating just now... which i m very sure his mind is turning 180 degrees forward n backward in like..100 hertz? thinking what fault of me he could possibly add to his list.

i tried my very best not to take notice of him, and concentrate on my own doings... but one cannot choose to ignore the anger ghost glaring down at u ... could u?

he drive his emotions over n said how lifeless i m, sleep in the day n wake up in the night. without a drop of blood in my face.

n at last, which i m sure he plan n think long enough for the finale of his 'over active lecture', he summarize his 'lecture' with the closing.."wat n aimless person u r, just waiting for march to come. how not ambitious"


which... if any one of u hope i could translate, he was probably refering to the astro job that i rejected last minute cuz i chose to be DEFLOWERED by a certain someone in singapore.
... i know, u marvel at the way he made polite such brutal remarks.


if any one of u notice... my first sentence for today's topic is that i bloody wish he would stop judging me by my decisions. rejecting the astro offer does not mean i m aimless...nor that i m with aim.
it simply meant i did not want to concentrate on my carreer for the time being. hell, i m only 18 i need fun of life.
and it certainly did not mean a certain someone force me to reject the offer either, which is also why i hope people would stop judging me by wat i say.


now... back to being ambitious(which is the lament of the day), before i knew that certain someone, i was ambitious. TOO ambitious. i couldn't say i m not ambitious now... but thats not the point. after listening to that certain someone's explanation, i was beginning to question MR. ambitious.

sure.. ambitious starts a dream, n it starts a success, n in comes money.
but wat for? for money? no. money is the gateway to things/people we want to possess. n we need money cuz we need another certain thing. which makes me realize, wat I really want is love n happiness n easy life.


now..pray tell me which one of those needs is money affordable? easy life u answer? bingo.

now..my expectations of an easy life. a bungalow, a sports car i can show off, a swimming pool, a good design of them.


.. now, answer me. who the hell have such a perfect life ? having love n happiness n the 'easy life'?

having that certain easy life means i have to dedicate myself to work n money for the half of my life, forced to love my work. which makes me NOT free for love n happiness.



i learnt long ago that easy life doesn't really match with love n happiness..does it? prehaps it does in the movies.. i dunno.


so i would have to choose. after knowing that certain someone, of cos i chose love n happiness.. i would have happily wash dishes for him..



which i was too keen n helpful trying to help my parents take care of the family n getting nothing but critisms. every little thing i do..is being labeled as too much or too little.

which reminds me of a humourous incident, i was reading the story bout moses to my sis when my stepmom obviously doesn't like n started making suggestive terms like. ..'she's so small, she wouldn't understand. u r wasting ur effort. she dun understand even if u tell.'

of cos...being the bad person i m, i made a show for her.. i stop reading.. my sis looked at me questionly... i told her , eat the sweet potato n i will continue. which she does. it drives my stepmom mad cuz no matter how she coax her to eating it, she won't.

n of cos i dun let it end that easily. when she finished eating. i stop reading. she look at me again. i still shut up. i waited until she begged me n cried a little only i continue reading.

hmm... i wonder.. if she dun understand...y would she want more? my stepmom couldn't be more furious.


which leads to the night whne i wash my sis up for bed, she kept saying i did this wrong..did tat wrong.. n say i haven't o this... haven't do that... which i already did.


i m not young anymore, i know how to fight back when i m being bullied.




... wondering.. y the title...amphibians or ambitious?
now. now... right now love n happiness gets me no where... maybe i should be ambitious? for the easy life... of cos... or maybe i would still choose love?

i m an amphibian ladies n gentlemen, i can be ambitious or choose to be loved n be happy.
too pompous eh? the point is, one can never be certain that he/she chose one thing n expect that thing to last.
like wat sammi said, when u can pick up something..u can put it back down again.


foolish of me... ah.. i tot it would last.



my aunt from sg called just now.. talked to my dad.. bout my trip. looks like no matter wat, i had to be there. she did not go overseas because i m going there.
..when my dad spoke to her... at one point he was answering her, ' she can take care of herself since she is the one who wanna go there. if she said she has confidence, lets just believe that. '



i listened.. n tot... i had no more confidence anymore... can i dun go to sg?
but of cos.. i did not say it out loud...



which reminds me of my first sentence yet once more...i wish people would stop judging me based on incidents that happen.

so far. i had done nothing wrong.(or i did n is too proud to admit them but i swear this isn't one of those times)
imagine, ur best friend turned on u cuz he/she heard someone else talking bad bout u... thats how i felt.
i have absolutely no say over this matter. the anger arose not because of me this time, but because of a certain someone who said things to whom that person tot was me. and all of a sudden, i m a flirt a slut n unfaithful n demanding.



maybe my father is right.. i do look haggard.. n dry.. n thin. n living like a vampire.
maybe i ought to be a normal person once more.

but there are just certain things that could not be let go as easily as it was picked up before.



perhaps i should not be this honest in writing my blog. but i could not see the reason why not, since only 2 people know the existance of this blog.. which .. one of them is me.


sigh. n i know that certain someone would somehow judge me base on what i type right now. n change a few decisions because of this certain blog. but i didn't really wanna care. i dun really feel like going online hopeful n going offline hours later teary eyed.




the label demanding.. maybe it is correct.

and the label guilty, maybe a portion of it is correct.
but the label unfaithful? never.


funny how contrasting the labels are in the diff places i hang out.. at my aunts, i m labeled sexy, selfish, proud n unappreciative.
at home...i m selfish, selfish selfish, lazy n oh yea.. aimless.
with my friends.. i m tomboy, flambouyant, spenthrift n thoughtless.

well..there's just one more place.. but i guess i dun have to say to make it known.

its understood.

i m so fucking pissed off.

y wouldn't he understand???



n now i had to get used to sleeping alone. without huggin my bolster pretending its him. fuck. even a bolster had to change cuz of him. my whole life had to change.
even the table. my finger. wat the heck. he leave marks in everything in my life.

but all that doesn't matter... wat matters is that i'll probably be remembered as a flirt n a slut by him. i wonder y i bother to come online tonight. oh yea. i forgot, cuz i still love him. but i guess that doesn't matter now.


i really find it very difficult for me to continue being with him when i can't see him this coming march. very difficult. its like being stripped of our bf/gf status n being a cyber relationship. wat a dispromotion.

he probably be so upset now. i dunno y he can't compromise with me bout the trip when i compromised so many times. i dunno y he wanna put up with all the pain he probably feel right now.

I'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears n if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave cuz your presence still lingers here n it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams, your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.... alone all along.

yet another argument. bout tim this time. guess its no use i explain to him or even here. i m too tired.

but i swear i wasn't being unfaithful.. i was just logging into my msn explorer..the messenger pops up.. tell me i was added by a few people.. i kept pressing enter n enter... n i guess that makes me add them too. i dun care.. then i was surfing.. someone msg me.. i ask who izzit. he ask me back the same thing.. his name sounds familiar. might have him in my icq contact list before..but it isn't there now.. i dun remember.. ask him his nick in icq.. he ask me mine.. n i remembered. then i told him i gtg... but i put myself invisible. the bad thing bout talking to people that u chose to ignore is that u dunno how to explain the duration of ignorance.

blabla.. then at night.. my internet explorer was failing me again. me n my bf were not on speaking terms that moment.. i opened my msn.. the messenger pops up again.. then i was like......looking at the names there.. found out my bf's wasn't there.. went to add him.. then remembered he dun like to use his hotmail account.. so i din bother to add him ..

i surf awhile..then wanna go offline.. close everything..saw the messenger.. felt like adding him n see wat happens...meaning did he still use msn messenger or anything.
i added him.. n it was successful..i felt a twinge of suspision of wat he is doing with the messenger when i m not using it all this while.. but i pushed the thought out of my mind.. i was too troubled by other things...and i off the thing immediately.. n shut down my pc.

went to sleep.. woke up.. afraid n sweating from that damn dream.. happily thinking bout my bf..then memories of last night sinked in n i was angry with him once more.. happens everytime we were upset with each other.
went down..maid told me there were 2 phone calls at 3 am.. i was shocked.. i expected him to call..but not that late. i tot he wanted to console me or something..n i go softhearted, wanted to go online asap to mend things up between me n him.. then i go online..found out that he called probably because he want some explanation bout the tim thing.



sigh.




so much for mending things up.

so here i m.. alone once more.. upset once more. desperate to get him back once more .. n failing once more.


GOD BLESS ME

insecurity?...guilt? wat has i done? i have done nothing wrong.. i was not unfilial to my parents..nor did i cheat on my bf.
nothing's upsetting me!!.. everything's fine..

..women from sexual attackers who symbolised her secret desires to be wooed..

..my secret desires to be wooed???? hell!! all i want is to stay invisible n unnoticed thru my life. i do not want to be wooed. i m very satisfied now.

....You may feel that circumstances are closing in on you and feel a need to escape...

SPM results. it is closing in. n i need to escape. PERIOD.

but y the rape thing?... sex??... .. escape sex? .. ..but.. it is just not right.

guess i better stay at home for the time being... the spm. i m sure of it.

last night i had yet another dream. almost similiar.. still that scary.
i had so many dreams nowadays that i was too troubled by them to care bout anything else.

now that i remember... the previous dream bout the lion dance.. it occurs twice..the first time it caught me.. then i couldn't accept the fact that i got caught. u know..like when u get 60% for the exam which u tot was pretty easy n u r going to get like 100%? u get the feeling like.. how come like this!!??? then i got thrown back to the beginning of the dream... n i dreamt the whole thing again.. n it ended i never get caught the 2nd time.


last night.. maybe because of my argument with my bf.. he was in my dream.

i dreamt that i just came back from an outing with him.. n got into my house..after he went off. i was happily running up the stairs..it was nearing night then.. my dad shouted at me, "come to my room at 1 am!"

i was puzzled.. he seemed angry, in the mood of "i want something". i decided to ignore him.

when 1 am comes, he banged on my door and ask me to let him in. i said " NO!! i wanna call my bf now!"

he became more agitated n banged the door so hard. then the thought suddenly occur to me...he wanted to rape me.

then silence......... no banging. he is gone to get the key!!
i pushed the radio to my bed, rammed open the window steels.. n push the tiny key beside the window sill into the lock.. i pushed away the window and climbed out quickly.. i pulled the blanket n throw it out the window.. i climbed down quickly.. and run n run..
i caught a taxi halfway, n told the man to send me to my aunt's place... i had no money with me, i planned to pay when i m at my aunts using their money.

when i m at my aunts, i climbed up the stairs.. but there was no one in.. n i had no money. the taxi driver left me there anyway.. i knocked at the door again.. it opened.my dad was standing there!

i ran n ran.. until i reach a shopping complex... it was blue n grey.. with glass panes n walls.. he was there.. i jumped over the hedges at the top floor. i fell n fell til i hit something.. i got up.. n saw a glass towering above me.. with a door right in front of me. there was a lift inside the tower...my dad n my step mom came down n opened the door.

i was doomed. he pulled me into the tower.. it was made of glass, i repeat. n he raped me over n over again. he used me so many times i lost count, tears were running down my cheek, i know that jx wouldn't want me anymore.. i couldn't accept the fact! i couldn't!! and then, i was thrown back into the beggining of the dream again.


i ran away from home... taxi. to my aunts.. couldn't get her.. but this time the taxi driver was kind enough to send me to town, where my aunt usually is. i ran on the rainy streets when i got off ( i told the taxi driver wat happened back at my home, he believed me) i ignored the fish scales on the wet ground.. i ran n ran to my aunt.. n told her wat happened.. she believed me n took me back to her house where i was safe.

i woke up. feeling afraid.


y these 2 dreams?
same running away from a house to another house.. same thing. i get caught, i couldnt' accept n get thrown back to the beginning to change things.


wat m i afraid of? y m i running away?


.. sex? my results? the sg trip??

i dunno.

........ everything that happens. the first thing i know is WAT happened.
then the 2nd thing when i ask for the point is that i can't go there.
third thing that happened is that i blow my top.
4th. i m told i can go again.

n it repeats itself over n over.
i m through with it!

all the preparations. all the cost. all the efforts. all gone.


yea. i m a bitch. so hate me for it.

...ii have nothing on my mind..really..
.. then y m i here?

.. cuz .. i dunno. cuz there's no one for me to talk to. friends gone. parent's dun care.
.. but what exactly is bothering me right now? i had no idea..

the night before yesterday, i had this disturbing dream n i can't seem to get it out of my mind.


it was a party... at a grown up's house ( which means boring) n i was there with my relative..nothing special..small humble abode quite dirty..

suddenly.. thru the wooden window, there's a flash of fireworks.. Red .. as blood. and magnificent. there was a lion dance.. with the lion doing a few antics n jumps.. n the lion head seemed to suddenly turn at us. at me. right thru the wooden window.

the lion started marching towards us.. with a ghostly rhythm , all of a sudden, everyone in the house is rushing out. telling me that the lion is after me. i was scared, very scared out of my wits.

i struggled to keep up with them, running n staggering with fear to the backdoor.. which leds to a back alley, a very dark one. it was night then.
we ran forward.. n the lion was passing the end of the row of houses right at the back of us.. it missed us.

we ran.. n reached a restaurant, a mee restaurant. there was no business, the owner were sitting there picking at her teeth. it saw us scrambling in. she heard the lion coming. she was frightened too. but she led us to the back.. we climbed over boxes of wooden crates.. to a small opening ( like a window) she told us to climb in it.. n we did.. it was a small room. like an attic. we squeezed outselves there uncomfortably n settled down in exhaustion, sleeping but our minds still alert if any small movement should occur.

i woke up in the morning, and someone told me i had to go on alone. i was afraid. but that someone.. i dun remember who.. not even a he or a she. i dunno.. that someone was kind.. (i'll call the someone as A)

A told me i have to catch the train at the crosstracks. we ran to a train tracks which was divided into 2, one going under the ground. a train stopped there. i jumped in, only to hear the lion dance music coming . i was scared. A was scared too, for A jumped in.

The lion watch us choo chooed away in the train... we talked a while.. i do not remember wat. but we ended up in Austrailia.

i got off the train. the 2 of us.. walking slowly n leisurely, thinking that danger has passed. we walked to a house. my aunt's friend was there. he welcomed us.. we told them bout the lion. n we were permitted to stay.

days went by happily. we had milk for meals.. n their children for fun n playing. the garden was green.. with fresh air. after time passed by too long for us to be worried anymore, we started to talk bout going back to home.

suddenly we heard the dreadful music of lion dance just outside the green lawn.. i ran . n ran.. to the children's room. i climbed out of the window.. and fell on soft green grass.. i hide there. but i saw the lion's head peeping out of the corner!!!!!!!!!

.. my heart was pumping so hard..i ran n ran.. headlong to a bush of grass.. but i did not care i ran.. the land was going downhill. i rolled n rolled.. n remember a slab of cemented edge before being capulted into the air.. and somehow the green scenery changed to a dark gloomy one, i fell into a large rectangular pool of water( looks like a canal to me, dark n blue)

there were people swimming there.. i swam to the furthest end.. n pushed my head up above the surface.. there was a man beside me.. he was laughing n enjoying himself.. he did not seemed troubled by a girl who felll in to the water out of nowhere..

i tried to pretend nothing happened.. n chatted with him half mindedly while my eyes look up the hill i just fell from.. the lion was walking there.. searching..searching with his head for me. his head turned to my direction n i put my head back in the water as fast as i can.

i waited... with dread.. my heart was pounding so fast.. i opened my eyes underwater.. it was deep n dark.. i saw people's legs there... hoping i won't see a lion splashing in...

i waited.

nothing.. i put my head up.. it was gone..

i relaxed. the man beside me kept talking to me.. i began to loosen up.. n even swam a few laps across the pool..i played with the man's kids... throwing the ball to them.
to my surprise i was laughing.. n had forgotten bout the lion.

they lent me a red towel.. similiar to the one my aunt in sg gave me. i was drying my hair.. walking up the hill..back to the house in the green landscape.. i was smiling.. i went in.. they were all there... ask me if i m alright.. i said i m fine.. n went to the chidren's room to get some clothes.. the wardrobe is right beside the window i climbed just now to ran away.

i was wiping my hair, squatting in front of the wardrobe when suddenly a lion head peeked in!!!!!!!!!!!

i was shocked!!.. i scrambled to my feet. n pushed myself flat against the warhdrobe. squatting as low as ever.. hoping it can't see me with its vision.. i was sweating n wet with tears.. dreading wat was going to happen eventually. the lion was searching with all its might..then suddenly, the head came off, revealing a guy underneath. he was smiling.. n sweating.. i was still frightened n numb to my senses.
he asked me.." drying my hair?"

i was like.........................( huh?)........i din reply.. still too afraid.

he said.." have u seen a girl around?"

( he did not know it was me they were looking for!!!!!!!!)

i put on my best fake face, n smiled broadly..." what girl? , u r sweating heavily. hot weather huh?"

he smiled n went away...........

wa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wa scared outta my god damn wits.!!

..i ran back to the living room.. thinking bout that guy.. wat a weird incident.


..................................................................................


i woke up. sweating. n scared.

what does this all means?

i m sorry to all the ants i accidentally steped on.
i m sorry to all the people i made angry
i m sorry to all the days i was in a bad mood.
i m sorry i used up so much money in a short while.
i m sorry i din study much nowadays.
i m sorry i din take care of my books properly.

pls pls pls forgive me n let me have 10 A's for my SPM.

u think i m materialistic. u think i m selfish. u think i hate u. but all i really knows is the times u broke ur promises.
yea.. maybe i m materialistic, maybe i m selfish , maybe i hate u... but all i really know is that u r the one responsible for my teaching n guiding.
so why the f*** r u saying i m bad since i come out of ur stomach with ur genes n DNA?
why the F*** r u saying i m stupid when my brain come from urs?
why the f*** must i respect u when u make me think i m good for nothing?

- YEN

FRIENDLY or SCARY

today i went to the passport thingie.. it was humourous in an irritating way...

first..i was worrying bout the 300 bucks i have to pay myself.. which was amazingly settled when my stepmom LENT?? me 200 bucks.. n she also conveniently added that the MAYBANK ATM machine is in the building too. ** hints to make me return back the money..

i was brooding over it.. my account has only 200 bucks or more..

so i went to the imigration centre.... before i could step in to the hall, there's one aunty kept calling me.. to fill up form..take photo n photostat IC.. being blur as i was already stunned by the sudden crowd.. i followed her into the shop.

then.......... i saw measuring tapes for the height.. n camera..n a lady filling in form... i was like.. huh??????

then... OH SHOOT! this is where people PAY others to fill up their form. n take their photos ..
y the heck must i pay 2 bucks more for them to fill up the form when i can do it better myself??

NEARLY CHEATED by that auntie..scary.. i stormed out of the shop last minute n got my own form.. the line was long... was long out of the shop... i lined up while filling in my details..n the auntie at the back kept asking me questions.. i was like.. huh? oh.
yea guar??

n nvm.. she kept bumping onto my body when i was filling up the details.. i was so pissed off that i turn back and said.." auntie can u pls dun push me??"


as the line near the counter..the malay lady in front of me.. suddenly turned n said.."moi.. i go there for a while.. later i come back.. keep my place for me yea..?'' n left without a word..

STUNNED.


scary.. funny?? maybe.. when i reached the counter.. i got my number... which was....8094.. the current numebr is 8003.. n it won't be for at least 2 hours... i saw that only no.6-10th counter is for the passport... so i went out to the atm machine..

i was thinking.. ok. maybe if i pay for the whole passport.. my dad won't be able to keep my passport.. i could keep it cus its my property... so i was determined to return the 200 bucks to my stepmom.



SLOTTED by INANIMATE STEEL

i went into the atm centre.. which was the only thing that was opened.. the main office is still closed.. too early.. round 8 that time..
i put my card in.. punch in my password... keyed in200 bucks..


sorry, your account is inactive

wat the?? i tried to activate it.. pressed the cancel button accidentally. my card came out... only a partial of it.. i had to use my fingernails to pull it out.. it did not work.

tried again.

did not work.

again.

fed up. pushed it back in..

the screen remained the same.. i punched in numbers.. still nothing.

my ATM card is in the machine!!!!! thoughts of my dad telling me facts bout atm roberries kept playing in my head over n over again.. my money..my precious money.. thought tat time i didn't exactly remember that wat i have is just 200 bucks in it..haha..

i went out.. ask the fella out there.. n he said that my atm card got slotted. he told me to come back in the afternoon n get it back at the customer service centre.

my look was a mixture of disbelief.. n almost horrified..

i went back to the imigration centre...walked one round.. aha! a phone!! ..called up my dad.. he told me its alright.. grumbled a little but still fine.

.. i got into the imigration centre.. sat there..waited.. the numbers dinged.. all from 4095--4800++
i was like.. ok.. so when's 8094 coming..next year? i remembered that no 6- 10 counters is malaysia passport.. looked for it.. guessed its round the corner of my sight... read my book.. then glanced up.. still 4900++.. glanced round the corner.. ohshit!! wat room is this???


i went out.. n realized that the over irritating auntie shop wasn't there... as usual..then i remembered.. i walked one round to make a phone call!!!

I walked ..another round.. found the correct room.. n waited..

sigh..

now i m happily waiting for thursday to come so that i can collect it. woohoo!!

tomoro.....i need to be tour guide.. wat a drag.. i had not the mood to put on a mask (a comical one especially).. n smile the whole day at people who barely make any effort to impress but still succeeded in intimidating my race, culture, beauty, and especially LANGUAGE.


looks like i have to put on more ears to help interpret their austrailian slang again..

... when i was there.. the little girl told me.. "maihbee tommohhrooh you sud go earliaar''
i was like.... oh?
she repeated... "maiiyiii bee tomooroohh you sug go therrreei earliaaaaarrhh"
... my head was spinning.. real fast to interpret wat she said.. which was actually.."maybe tomoro you should go there earlier"

.. oh gawd.........

so tommooorooohhh i m gohhing to DI sunwaiihh piirrrrrrraahmiy to be toouuaar guuirrde.

spin ur head as fast as u can ,baby n see wat kinda torture i m going thru.

sigh...I M BEAUTIFUL.. NO MATTER WAT THEY SAYS.. WORDS CAN'T BRING ME DOWN. I M BEAUTIFU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.. WORDS CAN'T BRING ME DOWN.. SO DON'T LET THEM BRING ME DOWN TOMORO.....


...

m i such a bad person...
all i did was screw up people.

UNNOTICED

i wasn't refering to me... but him. i have misunderstood him, misjudged him n neglected him.. i m trying to make up to him right now..probably for the rest of my life too..hehe..

anyway, lie yuen.. gimme a call if u need my help on trigonometry.. if i still remember that is...

anyway.. yesterday i was OVER bored.. really..i can't online..my sis is way noisy..i had nothing to be happy about..n guess what did i content myself with??? ..no ..not the pen darling.. i did add maths..
i did simultaneous equations... n when it comes to fractions i went like..dead.. haha..

i found out my maths is really bad right now..i tried to minus FEB12th by March 2nd.. i can't do it.. i need to think like 15 mins then i got the answer??
n now i can tell u how i count..oh yEA!! its.. 29 - 12 + 2... which sums up to 19 days.

oh..my passport.. i think i go tomoro.. keep all of ya posted.

bout the money i needed.. i'll get it from the atm machine. its just enough.. n it'll be nothing in that account liao........ which is.... bad BAD BAD BAD BAD..

.. i'll think of something.. i think i go work for ca po.. at carmens.. i'l give her a call tonight.



for those of u who had no idea bout my art directory( i called it a directory cuz it is not properly designed...) its MeSS

hope ya like it... i'll be designing a better one soon...... as in....a year's time??


wat a bad valentines day this year........ but at least i wasn't lonely. :)

TWIST OF FATE [happy valentine's day!!]

y must things turn out to be like this??
i know it isn't his fault but i can't help getting angry with him..

y is fate toying with us?? DON"T U FUCKING KNOW WE R IN LOVE???? pls.. dun play with us anymore... my heart cannot bear such pain..

a year ago yesterday......................................

both of us talking on the phone happily bout wat to do tomoro when we meet....bout how we'll kiss..touch n talk..
when morning comes.. i realize..bad hair day!! GREAT.
i went to tuition..happy n grinning widely.. he smsed my phone a few times telling his wherabouts n where we'll meet... after a few changes of location..we finally decided on the hilton hotel lobby... but i had no idea how to get there..
thanks to chengyee..i finally made it there.. the minute i got out off the taxi.. my hp beeped with sms..

i went in.. searching... n suddenly..he was in front of me.. so this is how he looks like.. i tot... i shake everyone else's hand but when he offered his.. i turned away...haha.. weird..

we walked to his dads car... n i sat there.. blanked out.. n looked out the window like i always do... he talked to me... n surprisingly....i instinctively bent down my head towards his shoulder.. n i even touched his hand!! i was never this brave with other guys..

he kept playing with the buttons on my jeans n i swatted his hand..hehe so naughty..

when we reached the eatery... we got out... i tried to hold his hand.. but he let go..
kinda disappointed....

i ordered prawn mee for him...n lam mee for myself..n to my horror!!!.his mom order sour plum juice for me!!!! i hate those stuff.. i felt like gagging when i force it down my throat.. n he won't drink it for me... so bad..
then the food arrived.. i began eating as if i m famished.. slurpin n slsshing.. then i stoped n remembered he's there..hehe.. n i ate more politely..

he asked me whether did i cut my hair..n i was like shaking bit..(no i din cut...)then nodding.(i did cut....).then shaking..(but cut so little...who knows?)...then nodding again..( of cos he knows..hes my bf..)

then he did something really cute.. he mimicked me nodding n shaking..haha..

in the end.. i had to force that drink down..n i felt like vomiting it all out...wat to do..for him...aih.

then we went to his aunts house..i think. then we got our own time all by ourselves.
but evertime i wanna touch him.. its like he dun like..maybe i used the wrong way?? dunno.... but he gave a pretty much surprises when he hug me back... n touch my chin.. he even kissed my hand in the taxi... hehe. feels so nice..

at the shopping centre....he bought me 2 lollipops..we shared one together..i'll never forget the taste..since then...cola lollipop been my fave lollipop... i remembered how warm it was after it was in his mouth..... :)
we took pics.. those machine ones..hesaid he triedto kiss me.. but i dun think so..maybe he is right..i m turning my head too much...

he hugged me real tight n warm..... felt so nice n safe in his embrace...
wish he could hold me like that forever..

then..when he had to go.. we were taking the escalator..n he kissed my cheek!... so nice......... my first kiss.
in the lrt.. i wanted to put my body close to his..n hug him close.. but i dun dare.. scared he dun like...
he went home.. i was so upset.. i threw the lollipop stick on the ground..flung it real hard.

went back home..oh.. long story..n it spoils the romance.

now... its a year since i last hold him.... n i miss him so much...

i wish that i could be with him forever even if i had to lose 10 years of my life.


...

Like A Rose

And as I look into your eyes I see an angel in disguise sent from god above for me to love, to hold and idolise

And as I hold your body near i'll see this month through to a year
And then forever on til life is gone, I'll keep your loving near

And now I've finally found my way to lead me down this lonely road
All I have to do is follow you to lighten off my load

You treat me like a rose
You give me room to grow
You shone the light of love on me
And gave me air so I can breathe
You open doors that close in a world where anything goes
You give me strength so I stand tall
Just like a rose

And when I feel like hope is gone you give me strength to carry on
Each time I look at you there's something new to keep our loving strong

I hear you whisper in my ear all of the words I long to hear of how you'll always be here next to me to wipe away my tears

And though the seasons change our love remains the same
You face the thunder when the sunshine turns to rain
Just like a rose

i hope everyone's doing fine...

JX = whenever i see you..
i stumble and fall..
my two balls..
become meat balls..
when i look at my hp and look at all the missed calls..
i then realised i forgot to bring you to the shopping malls..
no matter how much i call...
you were alwaays with paul..
and again u make my heart fall..
when i give you a shawl..
u brought me to a hall..
and slap my jaw..

YEN = i saw u in a site
feels like hugging u with all my might
how funny, u saw me too
n sent me a msg or two
we started emailing, daily
emails long and cg
feelings develop..
i sent u my pics in an envelope
now i m ur girlfriend
n u r my boyfriend
though we r far apart
our love is as beautiful as art
now look at ur poems, so dirty
while mine is innocent n pretty.

JX = you know when i saw you..
you give me hope...
i went to see the pope..
then he gave me a coke...
what a bloke..
after that..i became broke...
i was left nothing but a robe...
but in the end..it was all a joke..


YEN = .. i cry out loud " for god's sake
put that thing in!!"
n u positioned urself n ram in.

i cry out loud " for god's sake
be gentle"
n u kissed my lips n said it was as soft as a rose petal

i cry out loud "for god's sake
go deeper n harder"
n u fucked me like how all the sons fuck their mothers

i cry out loud "for god's sake
don't stop!!"
n u continue to pushed inside me, looking at the clock

i cry out loud"for god's sake
i m cumming!!!"
n u felt the condom tear n ur sperms-a-running

JX = i have always love yen..
although she loves pen..(u noe what i mean *hint*)
she is always a hen..
she never owns a pan..
and always behave like a man..
always hold me tighly in a can..

hehehe..
my darling wrote me a poem..
ahem hem.


u noe whenever i think of you..
i feel like giving u a muack..
but most of the time...you dont give a fuck..
no matter how many time i suck..
you always demand a fuck..
when i draw an arc..
you always demand a buck..


haha..

E LOVER
歌词： 词:李姚 曲:包小柏

雨天 想着我们不曾碰面望着你的照片
问我台北好吗? London阴着天 两个城市雨绵绵
深夜收到你的生日卡片 E-mail祝福信笺 问侯里夹藏许多
浅浅的思念就是不见真实爱恋
等你说 I love you 互动的心再远也能感应
指尖一遍一遍说着想爱的心
虽然害怕一样相信 宁原用时间让证明
Don't you know I love
爱我请试着疯狂一些
不听不管不问就算是种危险
不再害怕里足不前爱个人就该相信直觉
请相信直觉

i m going to singapore!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so happy........ finally can be with him... can do so many things.... hehe.. maybe it'll turn out to be ONE thing..........
:p

i m so excited.. i love him so much.......... so so much...
wanna give him everything..everything. anything..

I Have Nothing

Share my life, take me for what I am cause I’ll never change all my colours for you
Take my love, I’ll never ask for too much just all that you are and everything that you do

I don’t really need to look very much further
I don’t want to have to go where you don’t follow
I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside
Can’t run from myself
There’s nowhere to hide
(your love I’ll remember forever)

Don’t make me close one more door
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don’t walk away from me...
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don’t have you, you, you, you.

You see through, right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of you love
I never knew love like I’ve known it with you
Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to