haze

amphibians or ambitious


i wish people would stop judging me by my decisions n the way i portray myself to the public.

yes, my 'father' once more beat my sis, and in his rage, he decided to give me a few lash or so. why the '.....' u ask? because how can someone be ur father when u always get afraid in his presense or even, at the mere mention of him.

does ur father give u that kinda feeling?


and again, he chose to give me more of his 'good advice' before leaving me alone. wat advice.. u ask?
oh.. he chose to advice me in the most appropriate way of critism.

of cos, first he would say i m too thin, not eating home cook food.

which those who came to my house before would understand i rather starve than eat those food at home. nevermind the taste, nevermind the way they r presented, just mind the menu is enough. who could possibly be fat when they stay at my house?


and 2ndly, he chose to hover over me when i m eating just now... which i m very sure his mind is turning 180 degrees forward n backward in like..100 hertz? thinking what fault of me he could possibly add to his list.

i tried my very best not to take notice of him, and concentrate on my own doings... but one cannot choose to ignore the anger ghost glaring down at u ... could u?

he drive his emotions over n said how lifeless i m, sleep in the day n wake up in the night. without a drop of blood in my face.

n at last, which i m sure he plan n think long enough for the finale of his 'over active lecture', he summarize his 'lecture' with the closing.."wat n aimless person u r, just waiting for march to come. how not ambitious"


which... if any one of u hope i could translate, he was probably refering to the astro job that i rejected last minute cuz i chose to be DEFLOWERED by a certain someone in singapore.
... i know, u marvel at the way he made polite such brutal remarks.


if any one of u notice... my first sentence for today's topic is that i bloody wish he would stop judging me by my decisions. rejecting the astro offer does not mean i m aimless...nor that i m with aim.
it simply meant i did not want to concentrate on my carreer for the time being. hell, i m only 18 i need fun of life.
and it certainly did not mean a certain someone force me to reject the offer either, which is also why i hope people would stop judging me by wat i say.


now... back to being ambitious(which is the lament of the day), before i knew that certain someone, i was ambitious. TOO ambitious. i couldn't say i m not ambitious now... but thats not the point. after listening to that certain someone's explanation, i was beginning to question MR. ambitious.

sure.. ambitious starts a dream, n it starts a success, n in comes money.
but wat for? for money? no. money is the gateway to things/people we want to possess. n we need money cuz we need another certain thing. which makes me realize, wat I really want is love n happiness n easy life.


now..pray tell me which one of those needs is money affordable? easy life u answer? bingo.

now..my expectations of an easy life. a bungalow, a sports car i can show off, a swimming pool, a good design of them.


.. now, answer me. who the hell have such a perfect life ? having love n happiness n the 'easy life'?

having that certain easy life means i have to dedicate myself to work n money for the half of my life, forced to love my work. which makes me NOT free for love n happiness.



i learnt long ago that easy life doesn't really match with love n happiness..does it? prehaps it does in the movies.. i dunno.


so i would have to choose. after knowing that certain someone, of cos i chose love n happiness.. i would have happily wash dishes for him..



which i was too keen n helpful trying to help my parents take care of the family n getting nothing but critisms. every little thing i do..is being labeled as too much or too little.

which reminds me of a humourous incident, i was reading the story bout moses to my sis when my stepmom obviously doesn't like n started making suggestive terms like. ..'she's so small, she wouldn't understand. u r wasting ur effort. she dun understand even if u tell.'

of cos...being the bad person i m, i made a show for her.. i stop reading.. my sis looked at me questionly... i told her , eat the sweet potato n i will continue. which she does. it drives my stepmom mad cuz no matter how she coax her to eating it, she won't.

n of cos i dun let it end that easily. when she finished eating. i stop reading. she look at me again. i still shut up. i waited until she begged me n cried a little only i continue reading.

hmm... i wonder.. if she dun understand...y would she want more? my stepmom couldn't be more furious.


which leads to the night whne i wash my sis up for bed, she kept saying i did this wrong..did tat wrong.. n say i haven't o this... haven't do that... which i already did.


i m not young anymore, i know how to fight back when i m being bullied.




... wondering.. y the title...amphibians or ambitious?
now. now... right now love n happiness gets me no where... maybe i should be ambitious? for the easy life... of cos... or maybe i would still choose love?

i m an amphibian ladies n gentlemen, i can be ambitious or choose to be loved n be happy.
too pompous eh? the point is, one can never be certain that he/she chose one thing n expect that thing to last.
like wat sammi said, when u can pick up something..u can put it back down again.


foolish of me... ah.. i tot it would last.



my aunt from sg called just now.. talked to my dad.. bout my trip. looks like no matter wat, i had to be there. she did not go overseas because i m going there.
..when my dad spoke to her... at one point he was answering her, ' she can take care of herself since she is the one who wanna go there. if she said she has confidence, lets just believe that. '



i listened.. n tot... i had no more confidence anymore... can i dun go to sg?
but of cos.. i did not say it out loud...



which reminds me of my first sentence yet once more...i wish people would stop judging me based on incidents that happen.

so far. i had done nothing wrong.(or i did n is too proud to admit them but i swear this isn't one of those times)
imagine, ur best friend turned on u cuz he/she heard someone else talking bad bout u... thats how i felt.
i have absolutely no say over this matter. the anger arose not because of me this time, but because of a certain someone who said things to whom that person tot was me. and all of a sudden, i m a flirt a slut n unfaithful n demanding.



maybe my father is right.. i do look haggard.. n dry.. n thin. n living like a vampire.
maybe i ought to be a normal person once more.

but there are just certain things that could not be let go as easily as it was picked up before.



perhaps i should not be this honest in writing my blog. but i could not see the reason why not, since only 2 people know the existance of this blog.. which .. one of them is me.


sigh. n i know that certain someone would somehow judge me base on what i type right now. n change a few decisions because of this certain blog. but i didn't really wanna care. i dun really feel like going online hopeful n going offline hours later teary eyed.




the label demanding.. maybe it is correct.

and the label guilty, maybe a portion of it is correct.
but the label unfaithful? never.


funny how contrasting the labels are in the diff places i hang out.. at my aunts, i m labeled sexy, selfish, proud n unappreciative.
at home...i m selfish, selfish selfish, lazy n oh yea.. aimless.
with my friends.. i m tomboy, flambouyant, spenthrift n thoughtless.

well..there's just one more place.. but i guess i dun have to say to make it known.

its understood.