haze

i finally know the truth today, tim msged me on my msn messenger.. n it seemed that jx sent him a pic of me when they chat. a pic which were meant only for jx's eyes.. how could he send them to others.


that pic were meant only for him.. how could he send it to others n blame me for causing everything. if he did not send that pic, tim would not say anything bout me being pretty.. nor offer to bring me about in aussie.

i dunno.. its as if he's doing all he can to break off with me diary... perhaps he didn't love me anymore.


tim apologized.. saying that he din really know me n now caused such a big trouble. he assured me he was just being friendly that day.. n all he wants is just to be friends.


me too.. all i want is just to be friends. all these while, i wasn't at all close to tim...i did not send him my pics... nor talk to him long enough. usually i ignored him after a few msgs.

y won't he understand.



u know wat diary... today when i go online to talk to u, i suddenly have the urge to avoid him. i sign on to my old icq to see whether is he there onot first.. he wasn't. then i realized theres no point in me avoiding him.


i online with my usual 146997070..n theres a msg. i do not know from whom. n then the whole icq hang.

i was frustrated. it could have been him. it must be.

but after a few seconds.. i realized that.. even if its him, it might not be words that i wanted to hear.



diary, i know he's not the type that break up with me over this kinda trivial matter.. cuz i know he loves me.

perhaps he had another reason?... NS is coming soon. perhaps he want me to find someone else because of that.

i dunno diary.. m i supposed to wait for him.. or m i supposed to move on?
i can't help but think bout the prediction.. if things continue to be like this, i might turn to be a workalholic just to ease my mind off the pain. n the prediction might come true.

my heart hurts to know that he left me all alone to fight against the prediction. n he even contributed to help make the prediction come true.

diary, i dun wanna be such a material girl when i grow up. neither do i wanna lose everything i have before finding him back. i wanted everything to be his but y won't he understand. y won't he fight with me against the prediction.

diary, tell me how could he just walk away like that. cuz no matter wat i do, i can close the door on him. he is so deeply scored within my memories n my soul that i wonder death could even ease me from the pain.


i long to hear him call me 'dear' once more.. n tell me he would never let me go. its funny... how those little things mattered. n no matter how others tried to talk like him, the feeling just isn't the same compared to his words.


tell me diary... m i in love?
if love means loving n being loved in return. m i still in love?
my tears have long dried up, it hurts to cry now... cuz my lids are crusty from the friction of tears n hand rubbing.. it stings.


i m sorry diary, i have neglected u for so long.. u see, when i have him.. i used to talk to him all the time..n though i was troubled, it was all forgotten when i talk to him. now that he's gone, no matter how many times i go thru my troubles with u diary, it seems that they only know how to increase but when with him, i did not even have to tell him bout wat they are cuz they doesn't seemed at all that troubling to me anymore.


i m sorry too... if u ever read this.. cuz i got the feeling that when u tell me ur problems, its not because u wanted me to know bout them. i thought u just wanna clear ur mind off those problems , like draining water away from a tub. so i just listened n seldom comment. i m sorry if its not the way u wanted it to be.

n i m sorry if i embarrassed myself yesterday night by calling u.. n warbling like a wild pig out lose. i see that u r using a new phone. i m grateful, cuz if ever i want to be near u, hearing the ringtone makes me feel closer to u.
i m sorry if wat i said now might be sacarstic to u.. but i m not trying to be sacarstic.

i know u r tired, n felt like letting go.. n giving up on me. i don't blame u. i have irritate u without my own consent.

i m afraid of being alone in singapore.. afraid of the excuses i have to make up to my aunt. afraid of facing my dad when i come back.

i m afraid no one will be here to remind me of wat limits i should have when i grow up. he's gone already. i wish he could come back.