i m going to go insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


but who can i talk to ???? no one. no one at all.


i m at the very border of crossing the line to the world of explosion and yet i have to keep myselt calm n shut myself up. why do i get treated like this all the time???

all the time???


no one appreciates me.

BUTTOCKS, CAMERAS n' MUTES

today, early in the morning, my god forsaken stepmom called me at 8.45 am.. just to ask me to find a certain passport hidden in a certain number # of a pile of paper bags hidden in her wardrobe. to find out the complete name of a certain someone.

and i was blind and crusted, i had to hold the passport real close to see the name and i was so damn sleepy that i felt like falling back to sleep right away.


when she hung up, i can't fall back to sleep.

great.


15 mins later... i woke up.. got ready.. n suddenly my friend ck arrived. i was cursing like hell as if some monster had broke loose out of my heated cage.

ok. everything done. so we walked down the hill. ck walked outside..me inside.. i dunno. it wasn't intentional. really.

then suddenly a motor zoomed past and ck lost her balance. i thought she go hit or wat. i was upset... n in turn it was her cursing like a fucken bitch in heat.

i was wondering.. wats wrong??? she can walk fine...

she told me to hold my bag on the other side.. n i tot..ok did she just got robbed??... i asked her that while she adjust her bag.

she said she wasn't robbed of anything. then wat exactly has hitten her??

she said, the motorist tried to grab her butt, but her bag was on the way n it made her ost balance instead. a molest that resulted in more like a push instead.

she cursed again n again. wat a bad start.......

i switched sides with her.. n walked outside near the road instead...


n we guys tot this is the end of our predicament.

we chatted away like trains chugging n whistling... even when we are in the bus, we chatted non stop.. i was busy talking to her... bout the latest gossips news and updates of my life n others lives when she leaned close to me and whispered..." the guy at the back of the girl which is sitting in front our us is taking your pictures with his handphone.


then how the hell i did not notice?? ... the guy looks like a nokia hp seller... blue collared buttoned down shirt. those kind. i din see him holding a hp up or anything..

i pressed ck for more info..but she hold up her hand signalling me to wait til its convenient to talk.

after a min or two of awkward silence.. we got back to our chatty mood.... talking n talking.... til we got off the bus. i have even forgotten bout the whole issue of the camera.. when we are walking...she suddenly told me that that guy was holding up his hp n looking at me intently for some time.

oh wtf!


bad start... bad start..

then we reached mid valley.. to the education fair.. people practically GRABBED at us and YAKkkED away non stop... not caring whether we are sucking those words in onot..oh hell

then we went for a movie.. .. n i bought her lunch... at a japanese restaurant... our last lunch together before i leave for singapore...


when we went back.. we took the frickin' wrong bus... ended up with a bunch of malay mutes who chatted 'LOUDLY' ( if they are able to talk, not that i have a grudge against mutes or wat) with their sign language... they were sooooooo caught up with it that they bumped into me a few times...


i lost my temper n i said out loud " can the freaking bastard stop bumping into me onot??!"

ck listened n she giggled.. i dun think it is funny though... ugh..
theres even a mute couple infront... the girl is so exaggerated in her sign language that she kept making.. "ah ,..uh" moans to get the guy's attention despite her already aggressive sign language.


oh christ. christ.

n do u know what they were doing? they were studying the photo of the guy.. and from their AGGRESSIVE sign language they are probably saying which is a better photo of an ugly face.

yea. hate me when u read all this but if u were there n can smell their body odour... puh yoh.. killer. u would have shared my opinion too.

wat a bunch of obnoxious teens.

finally i m home. here writing my blog.. wat a relief.. huh.


oh. i bought a book.


:)

...yea.. wilbur smith's RAGE.

rage is the word. ..


...back to personal stuffs... i felt as if a part of me had died. when he said that. just never expect myself to take this in too hard. i thought i could just forget wat he said n take it easy.. but i can't. .. i even find it hard.. to say the obvious.

i just read lie yuens' blog. i m glad she is glad. hehe.

wanted to see hidalgo today!!!! sob.,...dun have people wanna see with me.......................................

saw a chinese film... it was... i dunno. hehe. but better than horror movies.

hope me n my friends can hang out more often.

LACK OF IMPRESSION, QUALITY AND SELF S-TEEM.

here i go chanting crimes and passion in my blog again.. and it generates hatred..from people. towards me.

but i can't help it.. can't help being bitchy n slutty and all.


ok. enough self depression. lets get things going.


topic of the day. ~

How to Determine Whether Your Long-Distance Relationship Is Working
You spend your weekends in planes or on the road, and your phone bill is higher than your rent. How do you figure out if your relationship is worth the effort?

Steps:
1. Ask yourself how much passion you feel for the other person. Do you eagerly anticipate visits, e-mail and phone calls? Or is making contact a chore?

2. Consider how much attention you give your partner. Do you return e-mail promptly? Do you call when you say you will?

3. Think about how your partner treats you. Is your partner putting as much effort into the relationship as you are? Do you feel cherished? Taken for granted? Neglected?

4. Consider how often you see each other. Do you visit as often as you can? If you frequently choose to spend your time and money on other priorities, you may need to question how important this relationship is to you.

5. Ask yourself whether you trust the other person. Do you feel suspicious about activities or friendships when you're apart? Trust is important in any relationship, but when you're far away, it's even more crucial.

6. Think about the way the two of you communicate. Are you honest and open with each other? Can you be yourselves when you're together? Do you share the day-to-day details of your lives?

7. Consider to what extent your lives are intertwined. Although you're bound to have separate social lives, it's a good sign if you know each other's new friends.

8. Be honest with yourself about why you're in this relationship. Are you motivated by a fear of being alone?

9. Consider your future plans. Do you discuss living in the same city in the future? Do you have a concrete strategy for achieving that?

10. Ask yourself whether your life apart from the other person is more interesting than being together. If so, it may be time to move on.

sometimes i hate to see all the flaws i commited, just like how i see a scene of a movie. of a murderer holding a knife n slashing away at the victim. in my case... of me being cruel and saying things that i never thought that i would ever say it out loud.

it reminds me that i m just the materialistic, hardcore rude kinda girl that i really am but tried to be an innocent pure girl. sometimes what i thought i m, may not be exactly wat i m.. is that right?

.. but there are also times i thought we are perfect for each other... our defects in life are the same.


its all my fault.

nowadays...which is really rare... i actually get ideas bout wat to write in my blog. there is a certain blog out there written by a certain someone with good english, with OOMMPH! that relightens my memory and my own OOMMPH!.. it gave me the anger and the humour that is needed for me to spill it all out in the most effective way.
now i m not going to name the blog because
1. it is not relevant.
2. the blog is not mine to circulate.
3. i found the blog while i surfed, no lies bout that. aint nobody that i know. aint no friend.
4. i like to keep the good stuffs to myself.


i m thankful really.

ok. i do have trouble. trouble conifining the huge and short temper of mine in the tiny little box inside me.

i was blinded by my own desires. maybe sexual. maybe just some childish fantasies. blinded so much that stupid plans came up to support the happenings of my fantasies.
and when all that i planned failed in the worst way, i blew.

perhaps i m hurt upset. angry. or watever feeling there is. but i m curious, curious y i put aside all these feelings to care for his feelings first. i chose to keep my mouth shut for the longest time i can managed to.

its that we are both different kind of species... it seems. i dunno. its not as if i m thinking this way, i have always thought that we were both kinda.... united.. if u know wat i mean..


but. BUT. .. i guess the lack of understanding makes things tougher.


eventhough wat is said may not be lies.. but i know that deep down inside.. i m the one who doesn't deserve him. not the other way round. n i m the one not good enough for him.

i m not jumping to conclusions .. i have been thinking like this for the past few months already.

i don't know. perhaps no matter how i try i m never going to be good enough.


- if we are willing to hold on and never give up on each other, a miracle will truly happen. -

i just wanna find a place to belong... i dun belong in this family anymore. i dun belong to my dead mother's side of her family.. i dun belong anywhere...