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still cant cry.. not in front of u.. but i'll try.. i promise

----------an email... from my father...


Yen, take some time to digest this.

I believe I tried, crossing the lines many times, trying to behave and
be a

Unfortunately, the more that I tried to care or tried to get the inner
feelings with my love one,
I have the feeling that this repels. This task becomes more challenging
difficult when
my love one has reached her stage of maturity, cultivated with years of
fall-outs and insecurity.

Much that I wanted to show, write or say more. I hesitated many times.
really hard to
bond the relationship that is slipping away.

Just too bad that the clock don't rewind. Life move forward and that's

Take care.

I still remember my little girl taking her kindergarden graduation
photograph with a pair of toe-showing shoe.


Read slowly and then look at ourselves.... read even slower when you reach the "FAMILY" column below F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue ."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

Pass this message to 7 people except you and me .

You will receive a miracle tomorrow.
Don't ignore and God will bless you
tell ur family u love them today...


5 people u meet in heaven

i was laughing n feigning fake anger with ah b one minute n the other i was crying uncontrollably when reading the book..

when i was reading the book.. i tot it was lousy... its not even as tear jerky as the first one.
i didnt even batt an eyelash when he cleverly wrote... all parents damage their children.. it cannot be helped..yada yada

but when he stepped into the wife part.. suddenly one great whoosh of wave took over me n i was crying so badly like i never cried before in my life.
no its not some kinda reminder of me n my love encounters..but more of my dad n my mom.. n all that i lost after shes gone.. all that he lost.. though he still love her..

during valentines.. i was in high spirits.. but after i talk to someone.. i suddenly had to fought back tears... n ah b took it wrongly... n thought it was him.. naturally.. but of cos not..

i was fucking torn. yes i sympathize.. i know the pain. i understand it been thru it fought it got over it.
but i still envy. she got another chance while i dont. i lost it. n i didnt want to sympathize. she ought to be happy. ought to be jumping mad with relief. i would.

part of me wanted to be in her shoes. give her wat she need. part of me wanted to stand aside, like how everybody stand aside when i lost her. thats how i gotten strong.
ok.. to make a long emo story short i dunno whether to be selfish n woe in my own pain or to step in her pain n make them go away.

why she got another chance n i dont.

how selfish can i be thinking of this at that time. when mine is already over so so so so long ago.


valentines 2006

i asked for 2nd present n i really got it.
i complained bout roses n i got it
i lamented bout 3rd present n i got it..
alot of green mao mao.. maozokis n roses from ah b...
mao mao green kiwi from the guys
n choc from auds n sher yee

went victoria station.. would have been a disaster if my bf is not ah b n i m not mao mao.
cuz it was packed. service were slow. but somehow managed to enjoy shiok. !!
ee! mao mao.
happy valentines to all.


random pics

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rose from ah b

Image hosting by Photobucket the 2 mao maos

Image hosting by Photobucketsome dress some where

101 reasons why i love you

1. no reason at all..
2. u r fat
3. u r dumb
4. u r mao mao
5. when i m with u i feel like a kid.
6. u r hot. dun kembang ha
7. u r smart. sometimes la.
8. u smell nice
9. u can become vv nice pillow
10. u will do anything for me
11. u see n bring the best in me
12. u r the first one that bought me necklace n rose...
13. u always say i fat even when i look pretty, fat, thin or ugly
14. u sing out of tune together with me! yay.
15. ok sometimes u sing vv nice
16. u play guitar that time vvvv ying.......
17. when u dance u shake ur head like the prof. gauth jasmon head bobble..haha
18. when i sick, u cook porridge for me n stayed another day for me
19. when i m angry, u r vv patient with me
20. when i m sad, u purposely bring me to MV watch movie to cheer me up though we got assignments due next day.
21. sometimes u read to me.. feels vv nice..
22. when cannot sleep.. we stayed up n talk talk talk talk til late late
23. tickles.
24. i dun like u eat birdfood. ok this is not a reason. but i wanna put here i dun care.
25. u r forgetful..makes up for me being clumsy
26. when u pretend to be cool n fail miserably its totally funny
27. u protect me from ma lat lou
28. u help me when i needed help
29. u let me drive ur car eventhough i bang ur car before
30. i know more bout u than u will ever know bout urself
31. i love the way sometimes i m in control of u.hah!
32. i love the way how the tiniest thing i do affects u..
33. makes me feel so important n deserved.
34. i love the way u get angry suddenly n then after that hold me
35. i love the way u want me see u play futsal
36. i love the way u keep sticking to me when going out with friends
37. i love the way u suddenly like something i like... like.. ypp.. pop..lamb chop..haha..
38. i love the way u hold me
39. i love the way u repeat jokes to diff people in a diff point of view.. or diff story altogehter.
40. i love the way u suddenly burst out in laughter bout lil lil things
41. i love watching movies with u..
42. i love it when u pull me back to u after i pretend to ignore u
43. i love it when everything i have on me is bought by u.. NOT THAT I WANT U BUY SOMORE...
44. i love it when u scared n look away when i look at u for a long time
45. i love it when i smarter than u
46. i love it more when ur smarter than me
47. i love the way we are sharing lives now
48. u know every lil thing bout me
49. can talk cock n bull with u
50. can curse n scold n scream with u
51. can get drunk n club with u.. hot. hot hot.
52. i love it when u complain bout something n everything
53. i love it when u r not around, n i can feel u around cuz i know how u r going to react to things thats happening to me then
54. i love it when u gave me confidence to face the day without looking at me
55. i love it when u nag nag nag me nonstop for nothing
56. i love it when i go shopping alone, n i smile for nothing cuz i thought of u
57. i love it when u buy clothes for me that i look great in
58. i love it when i buy things for u n u use them..
59. i love it when we work on assignment together
60. i love it when after assignment or game finish, u kembang until u talk bull. THAT DOESNT MEAN U CAN DO IT ALWAYS. grr
61. u gave me names. mao mao ,miao miao. fat fat.. mong mong. bunny. mimi. ee!
62. u cook maggi mee for me..
63. we like to eat herbal egg!
64. i like it when u look in the mirror.. u screw up ur face n glare upwards while styling ur hair.. oh my god la.
65. i dun like it when u wwe/wwf/tna me. *cries*
66. i love it when u revenge on me............bahAHAHA
67. i love it when i can see the effects of my words on u.. akk.
68. i love it when after we talk so long.. we still can talk longer.. online also can
69. i love u cuz u vv cincai.. like me
70. i love u cuz u gave me courage to speak up
71. i dun like it when u dun tell me things... *cries*
72. i love it when i can see u on stage
73. i love it when u r in control
74. i love the way i m being controlled by my love for u.
75. i love it when u go all the way just to get present for me
76. i love it when we dine out... SHIOK.
77. i love eating assam laksa with u
78. we eat same mac ds!!! mc egg n double cheese!
79. we eat same chinese!! deer meet!!!
80. i love the way ur money is our money.. my money is my money.. haha jk jk.
81. i totally shag it when i go sleep. u follow. i give tiny hint wat i want u follow
82. sometimes u know what i want but pretend u dunno. fat.
83. i miss u even when u r with me
84. i love it when u hint hint lil bit bout future
85. i love it when u secretly surprise me
86. i love waking up beside u naturally withtout alarm clock.. vv sweet.!!
87. i love it when u r proud of me..
88. i really really love it when u tease me
89. i love the fact u r honest.
90. actually u like r small kid only
91. i love growing up n maturing with u.. seeing u getting fatter.. changing hairstyles..everything
92. i love the way u get out of ur car when u reach my house..
93. i love the way u keep wiping table when we go eat
94. i love it when u hug me tight tight n suffocate me
95. i love u cuz everything is so real.. yet like in a dream all the time
96. i love it when u r kind n considerate to others..
97. i love it when u look at me n say . HAH!
98. i love the way u make me laugh.. n cry by doing nothing at all..even when u r not with me
99. i love u for who u r.. what u r...
100. i love u even if u change. for better or worse.
101. i love u.

happy valentines day baby!


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friends forever
lie yuen, cherry, me, chin kuan, su zzen, wai fun, pooi see
remind me intro ck to ivan. haha


i m so wasted. i m so drunk

i finally got my bday cake. ..

i cannot believed me n my dad climbed out of the restaurants window to get to the car....

i cannot believed i sang hei se yiu muo on the stage. n i m pretty good u know..

i cant take it.. i m going to sleep...

but whole night thru i m thinking of u. imagining how u would laugh ...

i finally broke the ice n told them i have a bf.
feels good.. i miss u...s o much.


in the end i have money... but does it make sure the same friends that u buy now will come to your funeral... its like a curse..defining high and low.
whats the point of showing off to people lower than you..they'll never respect u.. they'll only envy you... or the point of showing off to people higher than you... they'll never respect u anyway.. they'll only look down on u..
what is permanent. what is not. but i dislike being poor.. i cannot go places, therefore my happiness is cut short.

continued from the black sheeps

i went to kl.. to meet up with my cousin.. she sells handphone..my handphone fell into the toilet bowl by itself.. she told me... go to sports toto opposite mydin.u can see me from there.
and so i went ... nope. cant see her.. waited.
ok fine. i bought a gum in order to get some coins.. n i called her. she told me... go to jukebox..i'll get u..
and so i went.. nope.. cant see her.. waited..
went back to the phone... she's been waiting for me!!!!

we both been waiting at diff spots.

her first words to me... in english '' Why YOU SO STUPID??"

she wanted to lunch with me.. but my aunt came down already. i bought my phone. YAY!
n her bro came too.. everyone came just for me... i m so touched..

she did not change a bit.. she still nag n nag at the top of her voice.. i kinda miss it.
my uncle had a car accident.. he drives a harley u see.. his hands are all patched up with bandages..

my 2 cousins will not be home til midnight.. so i'll be alone in the house..

my aunt asked me.. what do u want toeat...
i answered frankly.. chicken. steamed. with ur chilli. n ur onions fried in soy sauce as gravy.

and she really cooked that. eventhough only 3 of us eating.

..i m feeling a lil sore.. why didnt i visit them.. now she has got hormone imbalance ..hot flushes.. u see.. her menopause is coming..
i was away for so long.. until theres a new dog n i didnt know.

what was wrong with me.. i had a new life now. tryign to make ends work. n i forgotten about them. .. i used to go there every hols.. n i even ran away from my house ..n ended up there for a month.. it was heaven. they agreed.

they pampered me like crazy that day.. the phrase ' i m home, this is home, they are home' kept running in my head.. this is the kinda home i wanna bring my bf back.
good food. nagging mother. overclutted house. 2 pretty sisters.

when they came back.. we talked as if we did not missed a day togethr
sitting in their room. they sat crossed legs eventhough they were wearing skirts. i see them all.
we were comfortable with each other. we used to bath together.
first thing they do is rushed to my breasts n sleep on it.

oh my god la.

n then we talk talk talk talk n laugh laugh laugh.
her mom came in to complain about her salary.. u see that day ..my cousin got her salaray..3k something.she gave her mom 100 only.. haha
n she shooed her away by telling her..' wrinkled breasts.. go away la'
n her mom pulled down her collar n say..' u see.. where got wrinkled? vv big .. wanna suck onot.'
n she was like... 'big wat?? its just droopy so it appeared bigger??'
n then her mom suddenly rushed to her daughter's back n started rubbing her breasts on her back. up down. up down.


now how can u get this in my family. cold. hard. plastic home. hmm.
now its not that i condemn them. but my family used to be like this. even better when my mom was alive.

then we went yamcha at... uma rani. they were selling weird stuffs like kokahthai, malasai, lokthai.

omg they drive.. aiyo. one of them drive rav4. another one vios. u all also know how fast i speed one de la. they can be fast until i cannot keep up. crap la.

talk with them.......makes me feel like... i did not love myself enough.... makes me feel like i have been giving too much attention to everything n everyone around me but myself. heck. if ah b din buy cny clothes for me i wont buy also lor.

i m not who i was before.. i do not swim everyday .. like i did when i was staying there.. i swim alone too. i do not eat nonstop anymore like i did when i was staying there.. i do even eat wat i wanted to eat. i do not buy things like they do anymore.

my parents looked down on them. but i don't. i would give anything i have to live life as simple as they have. finish high school . work. save up. get married. open business. have kids.

for me.. its high school. uni. and then its random from there. how many places do i have to go before i can settle down.

how many. work? overseas? follow bf? go my own way? wat.

i felt sad when i leave them. knowing i left their kinda lives for good. now i hang out wiht them as.. bystanders. cuz i'll leave.. one day. one day.
n its not because my family made it this way. i made it this way. studied too hard. fearing people will harm me cuz my mom's not here. study study study so that my knowledge will protect me. until they tear me away from them. n from everyone else too. they do not have an aim. i do.

its sad... when i was young.. i did not picture myself to be like this when i m 20.
all the things i picture myself to be.. they'll never happen anyway. doing everything n anything for everyone but myself.


THE BLACK SHEEPS - my breed my kind my family

introducing my real family. from my aunts side. my real mom's sister.
my precious cousin. went there last night
remembered what a real family is like.
nagging mom..:)
quarreling couple.. :)
at home.. bliss..

FUCKING good food.

remmeber the cny pics... how OUT of place i look with them.
its cuz i belong to THEM. this ones.

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just kidding.. this is kaka.. SO CUTE

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cute cute cute

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so old liao sob.. i grew up with this dude..

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crazy bearbrick lovers

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my cousin. yea.. my brown eyes. all the dressing everything i get from this family

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but that dimple i tarak.

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... see wat i mean i belong to them. aih

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it was the best best best best night ever.
wanna update... but later!! update consists of breasts rubbing!!!


i FINALLY FOUND THIS SONG!!!!!!... remember that song.. rang wo ai ni.. vv nice ya.. its from the same soundtrack.. omg omg omg omg omg

this calls for major translation.. hope i dun make any mistake!!

歌手:梁一贞 (战神 OST)


tell me that you love me

my eyes do not yearn for another sky...
yes.. it was me who said never to fall in love..
so who actually understood how pitiful my loneliness was..
the more love... the more loneliness there is..
why cant u understand the freedom that i want til now?
one word.. n you are gone..
please dun let me think that the ending of every happiness i have is pain
the loneliest people.. they do not cry..
tell me you love me.. say it to my ear..
i have forgotten the deep feeling it evokes..
love is hard to understand.. we still could not figure it out..
those pain.. those happiness.. how many are real?
tell me you love me.. use all your heart and soul to warm me once more
even when you cannot prove to me how long your love will last..
i know you just wanna avoid a few of my wants n needs
lets watch the sky for one last second..
lets watch the sky for this last time that you love me..
tell me that you love me...


痛的感覺那麼的清晰 不論我再怎麼休息 總無法痊癒
心裡被你踏上了腳印 要等待多少次潮汐 才能洗去
我的期待值得你等待 就讓它慢慢的來 沒有傷害
日月星辰交給我安排 熬過了風雪的阻礙 遠方還有一片海
一首歌就算打亂了節奏 曲終人散之後 真心依舊能讓你感動
一顆眼淚如果不是那麼沈重 那麼不如 就讓它流 再隨著它蒸發在空中
Your Love Forever
每一次閉上眼睛 你的容顏更清晰 記得比忘記容易
難以更動的結局 我想我撐得過去 面對不容易 我可以

就算錯誤不可能彌補 拿全部當做賭注 請為我祝福
多少夜裡有人為我哭 經過了追逐的辛苦 回憶都是滿足
一段路就算看不到遠處 只要往前一步 再一步或許就要告別辛苦
一個信徒一生只求一個領悟 就算路途 有些耽誤 這一切終將值得記錄
Your Love Forever
每一次閉上眼睛 你的容顏更清晰 記得比忘記容易
難以更動的結局 我想我撐得過去 面對不容易 我可以

I Wish Forever
把悲傷寫成日記 快樂是給你的信 讓你只看到好天氣
爬上屋頂深呼吸 為愛重新定義 真得相信 一定可以
每一次閉上眼睛 你的容顏更清晰 記得比忘記容易
難以更動的結局 我想我撐得過去 面對不容易 我可以
忘記不容易 我可以

i can..

pain.. the feeling is so distinct no matter how much i try to heal..still i cannot be new
my heart already is engraved with your marks..how many tides do i have to wait thru..until i can finally move on
my expectations will be worth your wait.. slowly take your time.. theres no pain
time tested all my plans... been thru wind and snow.. still i can see the ocean at the end of the road
a broken rhythm song... with bad lyrics.. as long as its from the heart... it can still touch your heart..
a teardrop.. if its not that heavy... why dont you just let it flow.. it will disappear into the air anyway..
your love forever
everytime i close my eyes... your face came into my mind... remembering is easier compared to forgetting...
its hard to change the future... i think i'll stay in the past.. facing u is not easy... but i'll try..

even when theres no apologies after any mistakes.. everytime became a wager..
please wish me well for my future..
how many nights.. people cry for me... been thru all the laborious work.. in the end.. the memory is satisfying..
a road.. even if u cannot see the end.. u still have to make a step forward.. and another step..even when theres goodbye at the end of all the work..
a student tries to learn something thru his life... even when theres some pause.. the pause is worth learing about...
your love forever

i wish forever... write all my pain into a diary.. write all my happiness to u in letters.. let you only see sunny days from me..
go up to the rooftop just to catch a breath.. give love a new definition... really believe... i can
i can..

japanese poem consisting 17 syllables, divided into 5-7-5 in 3 sentences.

little marigold
grew flowers next to stone man
will he come alive

furry frisky cat
licking his pretty lil paws
in front of the fish

crazy little haze
she fell into a deep well
bunny pulled her out

bunny brings haze home
to his small mossy burrow
he brings out his knives

bunny slices haze
wet bowels and intestines
while she was alive

haze grabs fat bunny
bunny went in her stomach
bowels became hers

crazy little haze
went home with bunny bowels
jumping and hopping


he is hungwee

make him swim


to those in silent pain.

she walks to school. with the lunch she packed.
nobody knows. what she's holding back.
wearing the same dress. she wore yesterday.
she hides the bruises. with the linen n lace.

the teacher wonders. but she doesnt ask.
its hard to see. the pain. behind. the mask.
bearing the burden. of a secret storm.
sometimes she wishes. she was never born.

thru the wind. n the rain.
she stands hard. as a stone.
in a world that she cant rise above
but her dreams. give her wings.

and she flies. to a place.
where she's loved.
concrete angel.

somebody cries. in the middle of the night.
the neighbours hear. but they turn out the light.
a fragile soul. caught in the hands of fate.
when morning comes. it will be too late.

a statue stands. in a shaded place
an angel. girl with an nocturned face
a name is written. on a polished rock
a broken heart. that the world had forgot.

thru the wind. n the rain.
she stands hard. as a stone.
in a world that she cant rise above
but her dreams. give her wings.

and she flies. to a place.
where she's loved.
concrete angel.

i'm loved now. yay.

31 jan, tuesday
- Kl
- develop photos
- namecard
- starlight
- portrait website

1 feb, wednesday
-wash car

2 feb, thursday
-finish starlight
-hp + yee ma

3 feb, friday

4 feb, saturday
-atm card

5 feb, sunday
-bring portrait stuffs-cloths, sticks,

8 feb, wednesday
-start Ym thread
-get sketchbook