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i cannot believe i missed so many classes!!!...

myeserday i overslpt
ody i set the wrong time to wake up. cuz my hp raphics card is spoilt. i can't see the top par of it..

is suX big time. i missed 3 classes already.

i lost something. bewteen me n her.i supposed i knew it was gonna happen.i supposed it was meant to be like this.

i kept my promise o Him. but i failed. in doing a good job out of it.he promised me a reward. but i dun think i want it anymore. sometimes i just hae to have faith. no onlyy in Him..but in myself.

is awful. n obvious ha they didn't care. i tot i found something. but i realized that i can never find anything. cuz i los it already/

i can see the look in his eyes las week.

everyhing is crushing down on me.

soon. soon.

n i m looking forward to it.


Christmas present from Alice

For Haze
A sculpture in the wood it is
When standing, capturing every subtle movement
transferred by the messenger named Wind.

An arrow on the meadow it is
When running, flying towards the targeted bulls-eye
placed in the blazing sun by the horizon.

A silver snowball under the moon it is.
When sleeping, curling its limbs sweetly.
in a dream of wonder and peace.

Crowds of gods and goddesses walking in Nature,
Even Venus doesn't recognize
Kindness and Beauty until she sees....

A pair of doe's eyes
holding haze.

hundreds come from everywhere Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand

Desperate, I push through the crowd

If I could touch your clothes I could feel your power

Come my way

Please look

And notice me

Just to release my pain

Just to know your name

Come my way

I'm out of touch

I'm out of reach

I've got the faith to believe

Am I out of touch or out of reach

What would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm out of touch, out of reach

But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe

come my way..

just a touch.



who needs help?

does those who cry needs help

does that means those who show no feelings. n do not cry do not need help.

does those who cry n cry when they worship love Him

does that means those who doesn't show anything doesn't love Him.

does those who keep complaining need help?

or does those who keep quiet doesn't need help.

does those who praywant their prayers to be answered?

then does those who doesn't pray doesn't want their prayers to be answered.

does those who spend their life worshipping God in every way they can love Him as much as those who doesn't worship.

sometimes people just dun show how they feel. its hard to show. when everyone is fighting to aim for creative expression.

those who keep silent. who don't tell .. who doesn't ask for anything need just as much as those who cry.. those who scream.. those who pray...

i do not need anything. there are people out there suffering n not telling. n i'll never know who they are. a simple person could be complicated inside. a complicated person could be simple. a simpleton who knows nothing but make a big deal out of everything.

but there are those who cry n scream.. cuz whether they keep silent. or whether they make a big deal out of it.. no one comes. no one helps. that is in frustration. n pain. anger.

so who need help most.

not me. arrrr.. not me. :}

all photoshopped. authentity of each photo varied

austrailia not. lrt in malaysia.
sunrise...heat rise..
famed china town. chee cheong kai
klcc. go up. look down.
klcc go in. go out.
i like the plants only.
child in me


theme song of blog
最好被重击而倒下 . 连自己的名字也记不来
这事我拖多一年久一年 贪图个爱你永远
對不起 我在為難著你

好好的 為何吵著說要離開

牽起手, 擂台上的迎候
要分手 先讓我努力把你愛個夠
Must break up.. but dun wan it to be now..
If you wanna go..then be strong enough to leave me.. better still.. make me fall with all the hurt u inflict on me..til I forget my own name.

Must break up.. after a year..gimme time again so that I can change to please you.. anything at all.. I m willin..

This break up.. I drag on.. I postpone year after year.. so that I can quench my desperate thirst to love you forever.

Sorry.. I m burdening you.. all these whileI had to use all my strength to love you…I see you are able to forget me..it made me love you.. n hate you at the same time

This time if I let you win n have your way.. just have it your way n bury me..
We were doing fine..why do you suddenly wanna leave..
Compared to black humour.. n its irony humour.. you are even harder to understand..

Holding your hands.. it means going to war on a wild stage..
Eventhough its painful.. I wont admit defeat..
I will lease my life n death situation to compete..
To hold out forever on to you.

If you wanna break up.. first let me use my all to love you until I say itS enough..
Ah.. the best is.. til the end

Running out of breath

german language pun.

1. Firemen need a gadget that is called Atemschuzgerat, breathing apparatus in German.

2. Once they have got one of the gadgets on their back, they turn into Atemschuzgeratetrager , carrier of breathin apparatus.

3. This makes them Atemschuzgeratetragertauglich, fit to carry a breathing apparatus.

4. They have to prove their fitness by undergoing a medical teSt called Atemschuzgeratetragertauglichkeitspufung, ' test of fitness to carry a breathing apparatus'.

5. once they pass it, they will be very glad to get an Atemschuzgeratetragertauglichkeitsbescheinigung, a certification of fitness to carry a breathing apparatus!


i feel so dead

wanna be alone

be invisible

study without anyone bugging me.
go shopping alone with a sour look

walk around with a sour look

wanna go out late at night. n dun come back.

wanna tell him. scold him. ask him.

since when is lying to ur children the right way to bring them up?
since when is their needs inferior to yours.
since when is progeniture still practised today?

couldnt' sleep yesterday..Talked with Him the whole night.. i promised Him a christmaS present i m not sure i could give. i m so small. will He really be there for me.

not that i want His company.

i always thought that those who follow Him are those who doesn't have a purpose in life.. thereforE they seek one. i have always have a purpose. a purpose i didn't question.

study hard. get rich

leave this family. make my own.

dun come back.

now. how can i leave. something that is crying silently for me to save.
but how could i savE either.

i losT all direction... i lost my grip of life.

i even lost all my friends. cuz i changed too much. n i m different from them now. i cannot be happy around them anymore. not like old times.

i cant turn back. my old life is not suitable.

yet i miss them. those happiness .. the happiness of not knowing anything or not following anything.

now i haVe to replan everything.

n i m lost.

i wanna be alone. from everybody. be silent. like i used to be. but they'll blame me. cuz they care. n they want to help.

i do not need anyone.

what i need is space.


stuck halfway between a door. leg on the other side. head on the other. heart in the center.

Shut up.




why ask

why ignore

WHy keep quiet

why run away.

give me.

take away.

leave me.

thats all i m in for.

both times.

the same.


u r right.



all that u cares. is that things goes ur way.

all that i wan. is that things goes my way.

that is why. i fail.

we fail.

u give.

u take.

i give

i take

but gifts are forgotten.

u will be forgotten

i will be forgotten.

all He cares.

all He wants

is that things goes His way.

not ours.

He gave us free will.

as consolation.

so that we can goagainst Him.. have things our way.

but we won't be blessed


all He wants.

is that we love Him all the way.

more than others.

if we love others more. He'll take them away.

all the way. n tell us something better is in store.

is that right?

Father knows best. but there's a reason why we don't let You choose our soulmates.



i may be right.



of cos i m.

always am

i accepted.

just wanna let out some gas now.

cuz i can't take it. can't take it.

cuz i dun want things to go my way. or your way. can't it be our way.

but if my way is not your way. it can never be our way.

no one understands. all they know is that i gotta go.

go get another one. find another.

i have feelings.


pls understand

dun question

i m not stubborn.

just tell me

but dun question.

i'll listen.

maybe i'll follow.

hate me

love me.

i may not change.

be this bad.

be this good.

i may change

be worse

be better.

could u pls stay any how.

my life is not for rent.

not temp.

but i guess it is.

cuz i never learn to buy. or rent.

so its temp.

pain's temp too. i'll forget.

but feelings come from heart. not from brain.

only brain forgets.

heart remains.


why do You come

why do you go.

why do You give. then take.

why do you give take then go. .

why do You see that i m perfect. but still change me with events.

why do you tell me i m good. but u leave for better. n tell me its not my fault.

of cos its not.

first time.

second time.

first not the last.

your first. not mine.

not mine.

mine is forgotten. still i feel. for that person. too different. can't. can't turn back. cannot care bout how i feel. thats teh way it goes.

second. not yet. not yet. i still feel. can't move on. can't stay. care bout what you want. care bout what You want. but i want what i want. thats y i m stuck halfway between a door. leg on the other side. head on the other. heart in the center.


Just a gentle whisper..told me that u’ve gone

Leaving only memories..where did we go wrong?

I couldn’t find the words then. So let me say them now.

I m still in love with you

Tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you care

Tell me that you need me n I’ll be there. I’ll be there waiting

I will always love you.

I will always stay true

Theres no one who loves you like I do

Come to me now

This I promise.

I will never leave you

I will stay here with you

Thru the good and bad I will stand true

I m in love with you

No we r here together ..yesterday has passed.

Life is just beginning close to you at last..

N I promise to you. I will always be there.

I give my all to you.

Living life without you is more than I can bear.

Hold me close forever ..

I’ll be there.. I’ll be there for you.

Hold me closer.. our love is forever. Holding
us together…

Nothing in this world can stop us now.

Love has found a way.

I m in love… I
m so in love….

I m so in love with you.

a close friend of mine just entered a long distance relationship.. talking to him brings back memories of my own...

though some things i could barely remember.. but i still can feel how it was talking ot him over the phone.. so painful.. yet so sweet.. n loving at the same time. time just flies.. they seemed to short for the conversation.

how sweet it was everytime i opened up my email inbox.. seeing his mail there. unopened. like a treasure chest with lots of secrets n stories inside.

n how i would think of nothing the whole day but his words... inside the email.. like a scroll only i could see as i go about my daily lives.. each movie he mentioned. each endearments.

..ah.. but i laugh too often at his jealousy.. n tantrums..thinking it was just a way of his affection fo rme. i didn't really know that he really really was upset. since it was quite trivial. for me.

i pushed aside temptations.. in my own world .. just to be with him.. guys... outings.. calls.. always he was first in my heart. .. cuz he was my first. though i was very reluctant to make him my last at first. i dunno since when i start wanting him to be my last.

he never really wanted to hurt me. always lying so that i wouldn't be hurt. but everytime he does that... ..i wanted him to know... if u could lie to keep me happy.. why can't u stop doing all those things that you had to cover with lies.
i rather he be honest. than to let me uncover the lies in the end. in photos. or by accident.

but how could i blame him. he didn't know.. how much i really loved him... n i supposed i didn't know how much he loved me.

in the end.. i couldn't take it. we were similiar in ways. but our differences...though little. they aggravate the situation.. he believed in forever love. though i didn't. but i adapted.
he believed in lying n covering up all the bad points he had. we had. i had. he would never say one bad word about me to his parents. or to his friends. he would lie for me.
but i m not like that. i m honest. i do not believe in living in lies.
he also isn't......................up to my standard. when it comes to ... conversing.. n..um.. understanding. he can never understand what i m hinting. not sensitive enough. not sincere enough. while i m always expecting him to understand... to get all my hints. to do something behind my back n surprise me.

it got so bad until i got upset at the slightest things.

its hard not to be tempted when there's another guy being so sweet n caring to you.. that respected you n dun lay hand on u.. but when u go back to ur room..ur bf is always mad at u..coward when it comes to owning up n making his own point heard.. n asking for nude pics.l

but i always wanted to give this relationship a second chance.. everytime i wanted to leave it. like he does.

i supposed now.. right now... our differences would have been greater.

we are always different from each other in some way.. if not now.. then later... we always change.. love can always put aside differences no matter what it is.. if it can't be put aside.. its not love..

oh well. i m content now. i hope he is. cuz i have forgiven him for everything already... ok.. maybe forgetting is more like it.

yeap. forgetting is always easier. a cowards way out. :D thats me.


do you love
or are you only in the habit of loving


what has happened to me.

this is not myself.

i have not been questioning myself. why. how. how come. i do not expect. i do not seek..

... why do i not search for the one. why do i always wait for them to come to me. why do i not be like others. n count the Xs n the Ys that i need for the equation of a boyfriend.

.. since when did i change into if-i-ask-for-too-much-those-less-perfect-won't-have-anyone-to love-them attitude.

since when did i stop goo goo ga ga over cute guys.
since when did i stop LOOKING.

no.. not jx...not him .. but further in the past.

yee chen.

i have stop asking. cuz he's all i ever wanted. n ..um.. sadly.. i m loser enough not to make effort to get to him. n when i failed. i knew i will never find another like him. so i stop asking. n expecting.

but thats years ago. if i were who i m now then.. i would never have even look at him.

since when did the right one didn't matter to me.

aiya. i dunno la. dun care. dun wanna care.

.. maybe thats y.

hehe. * scratch.. he...he..............................

then again.

since when i stop caring bout my future. since when i rushed into MMU thinking it would suit me.
since when i stop yearning to go abroad to study.

since when i stop planning bout my future. bout who i wanna be with.
bout what i wanna be.
bout how i m gonna get teh money since nothing is gonna go to me after my dad dies.

since when did i lose my mind.

since when did i rush into a relationship thinking he would suit me.

one thing i din rush. i din rush choosing Him.

at last.

one right thing i did correct.



i no longer see my family with hatred or despise. but with renewed spirit n strength to save them. the need just grows with every second.

..came back. .. somewhat relieved of certain restrains. been expecting myself to shun them off. but dunno y.. have some kinda strength to change things around here.

today. someone banged my father's car. they end up taking the day off. front n back of the car is rammed. police came.

.. n my sis came back from tuition. my dad locked her out of the house. cuz she ate her hand... it was so bad that hard skin grew.. n fresh pink blood-vesseled skin showed beneath new bites.

i went out to bring her in.. i told her..

bao.. you must go in .. tell sorry to daddy.. then daddy won't beat you..

wuu wuuuohh... dun wan... uhh ohwwwuu.... i scared.

daddy won't beat you one...

wuuuuuwuuuooh... i scared.. i scared...

daddy sad because you bite your hand... so u must go in.. n say ' i m sorry daddy.. i won't bite my hand anymore'... then daddy won't beat you..

wuuuooohh.... uuuhh..

daddy won't beat you wan.. he will hug you when you say sorry.

wuuooohh oohh... i dun wan daddy to hug me.


my dad who is listening inside boiled up n snapped at her... GET IN!!

.... haih.

i had a marvellous week at pd... which is TOO eventful for update's sake.

i went to esplosion camp II..

lots of changes.

i played lots of things too.

i went jet ski-ing... it was marvellous.. amazing. especially when he kept screaming behind me telling me to slow down............wahahahahaha...

i played diablo II with him... n i m stuck with it.

i replayed final fantasy VII. so that when the movie comes out i will know what is going on.

i played piano everyday . EVERYDAY. n i m happy.

i didn't do anything to deserve such happiness. to suddenly deserve another family that cares. another mother n father. n 2 brothers.

i didn't do anything to deserve all the new friends i met in camp.

i learnt alot during camp. alot. n i changed alot too.

i had many new friends that i dun wanna lose contact with.

i m grateful. n thankful. that He would provide me thus.

i m finally complete.

though i know it wouldn't last. nothing does. but i m satisfied n content while it lasts.

i read alot of books too.

n i also went ice skating. n got two long bruise from someone's blade... hurts...

but its fun. i find it weird. i can never get tired of ice skating. physically or emotionally. maybe i should go professional?

n i m happy. very happy. though it wouldn't last. but i m happy bout that too.

my sister is always with me. n i m happy bout that too.
i m happy about everything. except for one.

n i dun suppose i can ever be in my life. i can never rest until i find out who that man is.