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1. feeling of being imprisoned
2. surrounded by people who dislike me
3. if i m unable to be who i am
4. when my efforts are not being appreciated

1. being myself
2. proving others wrong


Why so many thank yous

oi tan. i got ur MSN MSG!!
thank you!!!!

why so many thank yous.. the definite reason is that i m such a lousy friend but I have so many freaking amazing friends.
don't send me anymore touching msgs already. i m breaking down liao fuck wei.

happy chinese new year.
will have a party after cny. my super belated bday party that i suddenly decided to have after what. 3 weeks. as a thank you to all of you.

details and invis will be up in fb soon.
all of you non drivers i swear to god i m gonna get yall drunk. lol
pls dun buy me present.


beginning of the end

thank you.. this is the first time in my life i heard 2 girls debating about my happiness while i m moping away on top of the toilet bowl trying to poop.
and thank you for the blanket.. sorry for intruding last night.. (btw, you don't have to look at me everytime i sniff.. its not a prelude to a torrent of tears .. your house is just plain dusty alright)

i had a vision.. being foolishly happy.. with a bashful grin..
i m sure.. that future exists..
it made me smile.. a little.

i m not proud of being a bad girlfriend. i m a fucking jew for christ sake and failing at this is the worst that could possibly happen to me. but it did happened.
to cling on when all the cards i dealt out will only turn into knives. that's a tad selfish.
who am i. i m just a starved plastic mannequin drowning in smokes.
and you. you are up there you know. just. there. a furious angel.

you are tired. i m tired too.
i m tired of all my friends always thinking bout you and your wholesome goodness.
i m tired of thinking of your wholesome goodness.
cuz i can't fucking par up to your bread. fuck i m still trying to scrape off the fungus on me and you are already blinding me with your whole.some.good.ness.
everybody is saying.. he's so good. he is so good. he is so good. can't get anywhere else. last species.
fuck. YOU try to be his girlfriend. see if you can still get the air to your lungs.

oh right. maybe you can.

to say i love myself would be a lie.
to say i hate myself would be an understatement.
but its an irony..how can one loathe herself and still want to be loved by others eh.

i m a coward. i don't play by the rules. when people struggle n suffer.. i blinded myself with a substitution of role playing mechanism.
it is time. i play by the rules.

mr. pain has been waiting. waiting to pounce. on the victim who escaped so many times.
i will brave it out.



what the hell. where the fuck.
i said. where.
where the fuck did i get the balls to put this shit up.
"um.... 7 eleven"

which is why i didn't. i put this instead. didn't i.
din no fucking make no difference.

Its been so insanely long since I plugged in my tablet.
you heard it.
plug wat yo.

why am I talking like a nigger
well, my love of a father got drunk pissed at me that day.
(I was the drunk one, mind)
and went :
I am not gonna wait for no damn you.


went clubbing for 2 nights straight
*tsk tsk shake head.. what's happening to haze*
i rained torrents of bile and shit on kim's car and i can hear her yakking away on her phone.
then a whiff of irritating smell hit me. a tissue box hit my hands.
I officially hit a 6 for the 'number of times i club'

"well, put it this way.."
fuck that. fuck you.
the next time i see you, not only will i rain torrents of ice cubes on you. i ma gonna rain my bile n shit on your faggot face.

(turns on sweet mode)
I celebrated my birthday at No Black Tie.

um. thank you for all the wishes. After the clubbing shit ( oh fuck, sweet mode) after all the partying.. i LOVE my guys. ALL the guys in my life.
*chomp* I m eating the 12 hour old prosperity burger.
the onions taste like hair.
It's 5.44 am now.

shiina ringo is my fucking god.
thanks johnny. i know i m your god.
(this is why u let me in ur band right, which i m beginning to think its non-existent)
and also thank you for that hugely emo and touching comment.
it must have crushed your balls and inverted your nipples just trying to be nice to me eh.
appreciate the effort man. best present ever, the msg not the balls.
bread n butter forever.

and thank YOU.
for remembering.
its not like we are friends. GASP
it silence the hard rock that is playing in my head and tuned it to jason mraz's geek in pink.
that's what you did.

.. of cos. thank you.
for giving me the screams.
wtf sony ericsson logo on the present box.
ps. i'm yours?
i'm yours???

My Next Victim

Oh... so beautiful is that hatred. that pain. that silent acknowledgment of life's shit.
I cried.. oh how I cried. tears of relief of how I wasn't the only one.
the only one with shit.

How can one comprehend another who only think in words.. not music.
Your mind is a fucking living etude.. with the superintelligence of Chopin.

Ah. it was funny. it was ironic. it was fucking deja vu.

wrong was i to think i was the only person with such abstract and crazy thoughts.


holy fuck



ok.. i calm down liao. wtf i posted here yesterday.
well basically i had a great time.
nothing of interest happen.
as usual.
i was just fucking high from booze.



Its over. I felt like cinderella back in my rags. I remember the smell, the high. N how close i was to nirvana. So Fucking close. A double sworded nirvana hell that i nearly stumbled into. But it was orgasmic while it lasted thanks.



my bipolar personality has taken yet another morbid twist. Yesterday I was all beaming and happy.. flying like a wing fairy.. now I am emo like a black crow that got stuck with an even uglier witch.

my birthday is coming in 1 and a half hours time.. shit don't feel special no more.. til to the extent that i wish that no one would know or remember my birthday.

I am the kinda person that drives out for errands alone and then bang my car while reversing ( not for parking but on a driving lane). I would also smoke in front of my sis n bro.. i don't remember anyone's birthday except for my parents and my boyfriend. if i were to fly to tokyo tomorrow, I wouldn't have a farewell dinner or party or glamour clubbing.

the funny thing is.. I thought i was good. i thought i was the nicest. the kindest. the most glam.
but the older i get.. the more I began to accept that well.. I am a boring kinda person.

maybe it's just today.

but for all these years.. during my birthdays.. I would smile and say thank you to all the presents and wishes.. but inside.. i dun even remember who wish me and what the hell did i get for my birthday. it was just never a special day for me.

hence i hate the trend of buying other people dinner when it is your birthday.
i even remember the last few years i was in uni, i would post a list of stuff i want on my birthday.. so that well.. friends wouldn't have to guess up right left down for a present that i want.

now that i m not staying around my friends no more.. there is no more need to do that... and i thought... well.. i can have some peace and quiet and sleep through my birthday. i even posted blushberry posts all on saturday so that i can sleep through my birthday in oblivion.

i hate how my life had became.

i used to covet for fine dining.. cuz i rarely go to them.. now i dun even bother to treat my fine dinings the way i should treat expensive food. i dun even finish my food.

they are not special anymore..

even presents.. books.. makeup.. accesories.. clothes.. i have had my share of presents.. they dun impact me anymore..

surprises.. kisses.. hugs.. romanticsm.. i had them all.. if i were to have them again. same person or not. its the same. which is why all i asked for is.. nothing.

parties... clubs.. i love being in the limelight.. I THOUGHT.
the fact is i hate it. i m awkward.. i dunno how to act.. how to draw proper attention to myself without looking like a fool..

the funny thing is.. sometimes.. through out all these years.. eventhough i felt like that.. some friends still make effort.. ALOT of effort to make me happy.. n i tried.. in order to please them n hopefully the happiness will be induced and I will be happy as well..

the fact is.. i can let go of anything.. anyone.. without feeling anything. sure i love my mac.. if i spoil it today i wouldn't cry. no.
even when my sugar gliders died..i din feel anything.
if i were to leave for another country.. i would just pack my bag and go. without a word.

nothing seems to mean anything to me.. nowadays.

i wish that i m more like vinn.. upbeat.. optimistic.. able to lift everybody's spirits up just by being around them.. going to a party and be the star for that night..

but i m not.. i do not know how to host a party with a smile.. maybe i do not know how today.
if i were to go to a night party.. i most probably will drink the night away on a stool... wishing.. there is someone out there as lonely as i am.. who share my woes.

this is exactly why. people like me cannot be happy.

now i feel the need to write a long disclaimer...
i m not ranting cuz nothing is gonna happen tomorro.. regardless of what today is.. or tomorow is.. or the next day.. i m just me.. i m not hinting for a big birthday bash or presents...

its been a long time since i walked into a shopping center and see produts that I can buy.. instead of products that i can buy to resell..

its been a long time since i tried making myself happy.. all i think is i must help him him her her .. do this that ..

which leads me to my 2009 resolutions.. which is impossible to think of.. unless i had my future planned with someone special in my mind..
but here goes.

1. be more healthy : have better skin, more hair, more sleep, n remove the growth next to my lips)
2. earn enough money to purchase a house/condo at the end of the year.
3. find my tsuruga ren
4. learn fashion design and do a mini collection
5. fix up all the tangles