I WANT MORE, I GIVE MORE, DO I GET MORE
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by this mask that I wear.
For I wear a thousand masks and none of them are really me.
Masks that I'm too afraid to take off,
fearing that you'll get to know me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.
I'm pretending that I am in command and that I need no one.
That I'm cool and that my surface is so smooth and I cannot be shaken by anything.
I act as if I am in control, but please don't for one moment
be fooled by my surface, that's only my mask.
Beneath this mask lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath this mask dwells the real me in confusion, loneliness, and fear.
But I don't dare tell you that.
I don't dare tell you that this is my mask.
I'm frightened by all the possibilities of my weaknesses being exposed.
I think about it all the time. Will I look like a fool?
That's why I work frantically to create this mask to hide behind
in my relationship with people.
This nonchalant, sophisticated facade helps me pretend and shields
me from the glance that knows me.
But such a glance is precisely my only salvation.
It's my only salvation if, however, the glance is followed by
acceptance and love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my
own self-built prison...from the barriers that I have so painstakingly created.
It is only that glance that will assure me of what I cannot
assure in myself and, that is, that I am really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by
acceptance and love.
I'm afraid that you'll think less of me...that you'll laugh and
that your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I am nothing. That I'm just no good
and soon you're going to find out and you'll no longer
love me...that you'll reject me.
So I play my game. My desperate, pretending game with the
facades of assurance from without and that of a trembling little child from within.
And my life becomes a front.
And I idly chatter to you in suave tones about anything that really means nothing.
And yet I can never tell about the crying inside of me...of my
greatest hurts...of my deepest fears...my concerns.
I can't tell you that because I am afraid.
So please listen carefully not to what I am saying,
but to what I am not saying.
To what I'd like to be able to say. And for what my very own survival I need to say.
I dislike this hiding...honestly.
I dislike this phony, superficial game I'm playing.
I really would like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.
But you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand.
You've got to hold out your hand even when it appears to you
that it's the last thing I want from you, because I am
going to share a secret with you about myself;
I act like I need you the least is the moment
I need you the most.
The moment I act like I need you the least is the moment
I need you the most.
Don't be fooled by this mask. When you see anger in this mask,
don't be fooled for one second...that's not anger, that's hurt.
The mask of anger is easier to show than the mask of hurt.
And if we make the error of looking at people's masks only to
see anger on their face, we may end up in a confrontation
only because we missed the point.
You have the power to wipe away this blank stare of the
"breathing dead" beneath this mask.
It will not be easy for you.
Long felt hurts make my masks endure. The nearer you approach me
the harder I may strike back.
Irrationally, I fight against the very thing that I cry out for -
you may wonder who I am. You shouldn't.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
I am someone you know very well.
I am every man and woman and child.
I am you.
all i know is everything is not as it sold.
n the more i grow..the less i know.. n i have lived so many lives though i m not old..
n the more i see the less i grow.. the fewer the seeds the more i sow.
then i see u standing there wanting more from me, n all i can do is try.
all of the things we want each other to be.. we never will be
Have you even been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses.
You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you.
They don't ask for it.
They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
not in the mood for writing................ felt as if i m waiting for something so sacred n rare that i can never be the chosen one. n if i m not the chosen one, my chosen one will never be mine. never.
wanna sleep n forget.
I WANT MORE, I GIVE MORE, DO I GET MORE
LONG LONG LONG NIGHT
well ..i'll always be there for u when u need someone well i'll be that one..
well..i'll do all my best to protect u when the tears get me all right..
well..i'll be the one thats by ur side.
well..i'll be there when u call me in the middle of the night...
i'll will keep the rain from falling down into ur eyes...i promise
i promise.. i promise i will...
when u r sick i'll take care of u..(put a cold towel on ur forehead)
take ur darkest night n make it bright for u
well i'll be there to make u strong n to lean on when this world has turned so cold.well ..I'll be the one that's there to hold.
n i'll love u more everyday .. n nothing will take that love away...
when u need someone..i promise i'll be there for u..
yawn.. i m so sleepy ..someone is already snoring beside me...oh. now wake up already orh. orhlorh. la meh. ha.
.. i have never miss someone so much before... feeling's like a heavy stone on my heart
... wanted so so much to just throw myself into his arms n stay like that forever.. wanted to tell him how much i really love n care for him..
can't contain... my will's weak.. so weak..
i had the most upsetting phone conversation yesterday night... so upsetting..that i just felt like giving up everything had it not been i called him for reassurance..
i looked back at my old blogs... i actually have 5 blogs.. 4 old ones... upsetting...upsetting...
feel so loved n yet so alone.. haha.. i guess this is the definition of missing someone.. ,y throat's killing me.. i m going down to buy strepsils.
when u lost something, u can never get it back.. so pls don't do stupid things like... showing off something to console urself n to get back at me.. or ask ur friends to test me out.
can't u just be a man bout everything??
MISTREATMENT OF LOVE [tribute to shadow]
i do not understand wat is wrong with people nowadays..girls n guys alike... do they think they are some form of angel created in heaven n they have every shit n dicks alike in command??
just because things isn't going their way.. doens't mean they have to put the fire on other people around them... n when people treat them nicely, they throw it back at them in their face, hardcore.
but when people heck care..they cry til their bathroom is flooded with eye shit n make all sorts of resolutions n promises until others care bout them. n then?.. they heck care n take them for granted again. n thus goes on the cycle.
so upseting... immature people.. who goes around..critisizing others for their weak points OUT LOUD. ok.. i know i critisize people too.. i m immature too.. i m wrong too.. but heck. i m working on it.
i m sorry people.. i really can't stand it.. grow up. really grow up.
INCIDENTS(sorry if u r the unlucky chosen one)
#1 was held up by people from a certain club when i was walking to class... n hear them talk bad bout a very close friend of mine.. n heck.. they are years older than me... do people really enjoy jabbing at others behind their back? i wonder what they jab at behind my back.
#2 talking on the phone.. reporting certain issues.. when the other side seemed to think that i hate a certain person.. n tell me "yea.. i hate that person too...alot".. wa.. how i feel?... that person is close to me.. damn it.
#3 treating me like a bag of worthless vaginas.. make me do all the damn shit... when that person actually say he did everything when he actually did nothing.. n when i move on.. every bad thing turns up.. egoistic.. afraid of losing.. all sorts of stories just to make me stay..even death n new bag of vaginas.. to migrating.. to begging..to stalking me.. heck care shit.
#4 treat my friend as if she's made out of titanium.. with every punch n bangs on her.. expect her to endure it all.. wat the heck!... she's the best of all...she's gold. not titanium.. u dun treat gold like how u treat ur weeds.. while she gave everything.. threw it back at her pretty face, u dun just treat people whom u declare u love like this man... yea.. i know u got issues.. but dun bring it to ur present.. people around u deserve more.......
#5 imagine.. buying all toys n books for a child whom mother put all the gifts back in ur room the next day. self explanatory. understand it urself
#6 people who think they are so damn cool... but actually so shallow n desperate that they hang out only with the pretty n cute...like dogs..n wat bout the pretty's friends?.. they act as if they don't exist.. how do u think they feel? making comments that will make anyone feel sore n unworthy of their looks.. n hitting on cuties n showing off their cigarette butts n playboy attitudes. using religious gatherings.. n formal gatherings to work up their own 'i m desperate for a girl/guy to ride' party.
#7 people who pretend to be thick skinned.. when others commented or hit on them, they pretend they don't notice.. n pretend that the world is still a pretty n soulful place.. heck. everybody's shallow nowadays. n sadly..i m faulty in this incident.. i m tired of playing dumb when people make comments bout my butt or my body... tired of pretending people is nice n kind when they are only nice n kind to CERTAIN chosen people. tired of them all. tired of me.
y can't people just be a little more...deep?.. ugh. i m disgusted. n i pitied those who r victims. i know how it felt.. been there . done it all.
yea. of cos i have.. people wouldn't notice. back in high school... oh my best friend was tall n pretty n i was the nerd.. the geek. the disgusting one.. n people tell her how pretty she is in front of me pretending i dun exist..they ask her out in front of me without even glancing at me.. they flirted n hit on her while i stand beside her like a frigging fool that they think have no feelings.
people tell her that she eats like a princess n i eat like a beggar.. well guess wat?.. ugly duckling no more. feck them all.
further back.. in my primary school.. people critisize n condemn me wherever i go. fuck them. only boobs n butts matter.. wat bout grades?..wat bout personality? its fagging enough that my parents dun give a damn bout my grades...others must do it n rub it in too. wat kinda crap is this?
do i exist only to be ridicule by all people around me??
crap.. even my father hit on pretty girls. where has all the respect for guys dissipated....
now ..things is the other way round.. people around me are getting it.. feck. i can feel their pain. felt it when people treat people around me as if they r invisible. all i wanted to do is tell them how shallow they r.. but i couldn't.. cuz i m caught in this shallow world n i had to be shallow n act as if everyone is nice n kind.. n i had to be shallow with them.
n right this moment..someone out there is being hurt by the one she loves.. n no matter how strong my advice is to her.. it is never as strong as her love for her.. n she will still hang on to that thorn rose no matter how she bleed. just hope she really know that whenever a thorn sink in.. they sink in me too. cuz i been there. done it all. the pain she felt.. i felt before. felt worthless..should have been there for her.
VISIT TO THE SALOON [insecurity n neon tomato]
those words of yours.. r they just kindness?..are they only meant to exist in dreams? they conceal all the lies.. so unfair..
gave me the silent treatment as u leave.. but i was listening all along.. r u fighting this battle alone?.. so unfair..
i'll be back those words of yours swept thru me...but i was stubborn, i pretend to be tough..
i lose myself in the past once more, should i have called u n screamed back then?.. wat would change if i had cried for you n ask u not to leave?
now.. in the present, i can do all that.. as i m free..free of u..
i couldn't say those 1000 words.. but i'll send them to your past... i'll make them into wings n let them fly..
couldn't say those thousand words..i embraced ur wounded back.. n held u as tight as i can without hurting u..
the dream goes on when i think of you.. they continue..
both pretending to have forgotten that day.. so unfair..
i'll write..your voice.. those eyes.. i was stubborn..i played strong.. i brought myself back to the past.. should i have gotten angry?.. should i have just shrugged my shoulders carelessly n say..i'll wait.
woke up with an incredible surge of feeling.. managed to consumed all of them into the tiny box of mind with the simple reason of just wanting him to sleep more n concentrate on his work..
asked my dad for the ok to highlight my hair... he gave an ok together with a 'not too wild'...which i ..unfortunately have broken.
i finished my work as quick as i can.. n i could hold it no more.. picked up the phone n called. weak mind the one i have.
just hearing his voice lost all control over wat decency i have left.. wanted so much to let my mood swing on him, demand answers to my childish questions n make him talk til my insecurity fades n most of all.. wanted so much to beg him not to leave.
of cos.. nothing of that sort happened. not even close.
..before things became certain, i was determined to keep things light for as long as i can.. but instead, i fallen too fast too deep n commited myself sooner than i could ever be..
n its not exactly his fault but mine.. for i somehow started committing strongly right after he told me bout his doubts of his own feelings for me. how rushed can i be...
heck..i even got the chest pain.. so fast. so painful.. twice as much everytime the scene of him telling me how unsure he is bout his feelings for me replay in my mind.
not his fault.. but mine... i felt as if i m entitled only to teach him how to love, but barred away from the fruits of my teaching 500 km away. so painful.. .. not worthy enough.. not good enough.. not clean n pure enough.
suddenly so insecure n afraid of separation... the first time's deep... i m surprised that the 2nd time is so much more deeper n sweeter. in such a short time, the definition of love changed no less than 50 times for me.
i don't care.. not anymore .. dun care anymore if i m not the first one in his list. dun care being 2nd or lower even.. doesn't even matter anymore.. i dunno the reason for this.. i somehow dunno. just wanna be with him.. thats all.. wat m i thinking..
anyway.. i went to town.. wanted to highlight my hair .. in like... light caffe colour.. like japanese girls?.. those ashen brown colour.... but ... the aunty made a mistake n mixed in neon tomato orange instead.........................
..u see the colour of the links right to u?.. thats the colour..only more sharper...
... wats my dad gonna say....
its not hideous though...
.. the saloon.. i sat there with my maths book.. trying to get my hair out of my eyes so that i can read.. but couldn't... its quiet today.. almost no customers... one of the hairdresser there.... a woman.. one that scientific people would declare 'hormone imbalance'... her voice.. is manly....... face distorted with age n cheap make up..body wrongly pampered with street junk food... her voice thud into my head everytime she talked...
thats incident no. 1
incident no.2...my hair was still being fixed when a low growl is heard outside the saloon...mine u, the saloon is right at the main road of petaling street..
.. every single hairdresser there rushed to the glass door to kay poh whats going on.. a metro bus had banged into a motorist.
more graphic ohs..n ahs..n phrases of how the motorist is being sandwiched... by the hairdressers while i stayed vv still in my seat..
.. i was telling my hairdresser..."why do they only look?.. why can't they go out n help them instead of just looking...?"
finally the kay poh hairdressers stopped....malaysians are awful i tell u.. they rather witness than to help the situation.. they rather look..n talk bout it than help the situation... wat nonsense.........
while my hair is being marinated in tomato sauce.. an aunty from nowhere came in with bags of clothes.. all the 4 hairdresser..mine u...they r not young no more. my hairdresser is FAT... those who see me before.. she's 3 times my size. the width of me 3 times that.
the other one which i mention the hormone imbalance one....n another one who keeps on rushing to the toilet n vomitting, i would have thought she is preggies if they had not say she got sick..
and the last one.. she's thin.. the prettiest of the old haggard lot... so u can guess where she really stand in society.. her hair's lush.. n body fit.. but face too rubbery with stains of cheap red smudgy lipstick...
they went siao over the clothes.. going in n out of the toilet..changing..trying on everyone.. laughing n giggling like small girlies which would have been attractive if not for the low tenor of the 'hormone imbalance aunty' i mentioned earlier on..
they seemed to forgot that i exist...ugh.. i can never understand y women love clothes so much.. i have a hard time choosing them, a harder time fitting into them just right enough to accentuate my curves, and the hardest time paying for them.
n when its time to wash my hair.. the area is behind a somewat white fence.. miss pretty was behind it with her back cladded only in her bra facing me..................................
crap. i was feeling hungry before.. i lost all appetite. i haven't eaten all day..even til now.. i only ate a double beef burger at McD's.
but oh well.. i had my hair done.. 2 grueling hours of sitting with white paper in my head all over...HEARING a car accident..HEARING the thunderous tenor of miss imbalance.. wait..or is that missus... WATCHING in the mirror of mine the 'girls' parading in outfits their bodies..n WATCHING the body of a middle age woman in bra....with the rest of her freckled skin flooding out of her bra.
took the bus back.. cuz my stepmom left earlier... wanted to continue reading the maths book in bus but somehow i was so distracted..kept thinking.. kept rewinding.. wondering bout us.. n marvelling at how i have change in the past few days.. making my mind not to let him know wat i thought in the morning.....but failed..have i? i m putting them here..in my blog. which he reads. just dumping my thoughts here.. needed somewhere to dump them...
on the way back... walking up the hill..was wondering if he doesn't care anymore..when the phone suddenly rang.....wa.. so happy!!...
he said he was happy he got his phone number back.. which betrayed wat he told me before.. haha... said he didn't really care when his hp is lost... yea right... y feeling happy then?... when he said that, i couldn't help it but smiled to myself like a fool walking down the street with a stupid grin on her face.
ok. i finished dumping my thoughts. wonder whats the consequences for doing this.....................
i had moved on..woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heart, body n soul babe!.. so happy for myself..
oh wait.. that has nothing to do with the title........ out of topic... thank god this won't be marked or seen by any english examiners...
okok..i'll get back to the topic.... ish.
can't wait to get back to campus.......... i actually miss the food there..someone pls take a pan n plonk on my head.. i actually miss campus food.......... weird....
ok. still out of topic. yes. dun nag me..i'll get to the topic soon enough..
today .. i stayed at home..n did my work... 2 years ago.. i would have still go out n have some fun... somehow the habits i picked up during my relationship with jx still remained til now, i got used to staying at home n doing my work n being alone.. now i dun feel like going out n having some clean fun with both sexes... still i felt better staying at home.... wonder if its a good thing or a bad thing?
yesterday i read some of my past blogs... it amazed me to see how pathetic i was before.. putting in optimism into this blog eventhough i m at my lowest.. writing positive 'honest' thoughts even when i felt otherwise..
thats really weird.. because now that i really feel happy, i have a hard time finding words to describe how i feel cuz all those happiness that i penned here previously before are somehow made up.......? yea... made up.. not that i do not feel happy last time, i do..but in a more somber mood... not so light n .. easy as it is now..
see wat i mean by difficulty in finding words...........................
anyway.. back to that.. i really felt like changing my blog.. because i really do detest it.. its dishonest, existed only to please.. n to hurt.
but no, i'll keep it. somehow i'll keep it.. just like how i keep away all my past n lock them in a hidden unseen drawer that only those closest to me will have a chance at trying to unlock them. n it was unlocked yesterday.
i had never felt better in my life. i felt bare n naked n exposed telling the truth.. so much so that i felt innocent once more. just like a child..
but worried.. yes.. of cos.. worried that the truth will only be understood, n never be accepted. risks must be taken, yes? no.. i rather not. i rather them still in that hidden, unseen drawer that remained unseen til the day i die.
yes.. i have DRIVEN myself out of topic into nowhere... heck cares..
the song for me is no longer deep n sad with heart pulling cello... its a high n melodious sweet cascade of notes just like a soft waterfall...
melodies of life.... haha..
the memoried of the past few days kept going on n on thru the built in camera of my mind.. taunting or seducing...i do not wish to choose either word to describe..haha..
[curves dazzling smile n eyes interwining of limbs milk short jeans handphones red box singing high heels sweat traffic crossing hand round my waist heartbeat smelly mouths mozarella taxis slaps under rams jerks sluts socks piano songs i love you]
but i regret nothing in the past ..past that has happened. whether izzit decisions..or things i did too rashly.. i do not regret. i only fear that they would hurt the one i love right now.
everythings dizzy... happening too fast.. spinning too fast.. that all that is left in this world is me n you.. how weird.. how to explain.. i do not know..
happy? thats in the topic. now i m leaving.
IT TAKES A SLUT AND A PERVERT TO BE CALLED EITHER A SLUT OR A PERVERT
morning dawned.. on first impulse..wanting to feel someone next to me, i walked over n slipped into the habited bed downstairs... n felt warm for the first time in hours...
still smelling of sleep n silence, we eyed each other sleepily..but content n happy..
unconscious of reality n still dreamy, we kissed on impulse.. n couldn't stop..didn't wanna stop.
time n reluctance stopped us..he carried me up to my room...how silly of me.. i have forgotten to tell him that i loved to be carried that way..
i couldn't stop..we teased each other..lovingly as we are a slut n a pervert brought together...
i could still taste n smell him on me.. in me.. everywhere..all the time..
ok.. a quickie before i get back to my work.. lovely weekend so far.. its not going to get better of cos.. hmm..only certain people would understand wat i m sayin..
wat a welcoming change to my otherwise bland n monotoned life..
would have made it more interesting if i could.. would have walked on sandy beaches...though polluted..would have worn a new swim suit [XXXXXXL]..............okok [XXL]...ish.
right now i m awaiting the wrath of my father.....i m in such deep shit..shit that i actually wanna sink in deeper......haha
i m grateful... so grateful.. my stained self.. my dirty..sin[full]ed.. demanding...selfish..inconsiderate..greedy self is actually accepted n forgived. or forgave.. watever..not a grammar class izzit..?..
bottom note.. i m thankful. thankful.
..... also awaiting campus life once more.. won't be so fohfessionally romancing anymore but still satisfying.....
talking bout campus life.i gotta do work...
i know just how to whisper.. n i know just how to cry.,.
i know jsut where i find the answers..n i know just how to lie
i know just how to fake it.. n i know just how to scheme..
i know just when to face the truth..n then i know just when to dream..n i know just where i touch you.. n i know just wat to prove..
i know when to pull your close..n i know when to let you loose..
n i know the night is fading..n i know the time's gonna fly..n i m never gotta tell you everything i gotta tell you but i know i have gotta give it a try..
but i dunno how to leave you..n i'll never let u fall.. ....n i dunno how u do it.. making love out of nothing at all...
you can take the darkness from the deep of the night n turn it to a beacon byrning endlessly bright.. i gotta follow it cuz everything i know.. well.. its nothing.. they r nothing til i give them to u..
the beating of my heart is a drum n its lost n its looking for a rhythm like u
i can make tonight forever.. or i can make it disappear byt he dawnm..
n i can make u every promise that's ever been made.. n i can make all ur demons be gone...
but i m never gonna make it without u...
..do u really wanna see me crawl? ..n i m never gonna make it like u do..
making love out of nothing at all..
WRONG QUESTIONS...WRONG ANSWERS
i was foolish.. too easy on promises..making promises n giving answers too definitely n too quickly... thought i would mean them..
now when i think back.. all those i promised.. are broken. n all those that is predicted that will happen..happened.
its not that i do not like breaking old promises that have already been released by that person when we end things... its just that i feel awkward knowing wat is predicted came true.
4 months ago.. i thought i had everything i ever wanted...thought i was happy.. thought i belonged... thought everything is perfect... will have a happy ending.
1 month ago.. i thought i can have watever i want...thought i will be happier... thought that there are better places to belong to.. thought that everything will be even better than perfect.. will have a better ending..
2 days ago.. i thought i had all i want.. thought i m numb.. feelingless.. thought i m just hanging around to indulge myself until i get bored.. thought that everything is just an act, saying words i do not mean.. do not even care bout the ending.
today... i know i m happy... content n satisfied. the happiness that 3 years ago i thought i should have=felt it. felt it so strong i kept on smiling. the intimacy that i thought i should have when i m near someone .. i felt it. so different unlike all the other times. so very different. all so sudden.. when i didn't even expect it... suddenly i m depending on someone.. finally i m depending on someone.
it is finally worth it.. .. finally.
but something happened too... to tell me that its just going to be painful again.. for i felt pain today... n thru this pain i realized that my feelings is true.. n not just some act i put up.
uncertain..bout wats going to happen.. will this last? or will it fade away.. just like all the other times because the effects wear out?.. will things be unconsistent again?....
i m not ready.. but hell.. yes i want it.
I DO NOT WANT TO BELONG
was riding on my motorbike..with u in the back seat, away from everything.
..thats the good school i unable to get in, zoomed pass my sight without a warm smile.
reach out to me, give me your hands..slowly...let go of all your previous loss and scars..
the rain are coming at me from every direction..splattering at me, with each drop it cplits a certain conscience of mine.
..thats the old man's home, suddenly the basket frame seemed so tallm so very tall.
the mighty tree i once climbed before, since when did it become so miniature??
maybe its better this way.. people now dun give a damn bout u n me..
..when the rain gets heavier, we'll be parted.. n be weak without each other.
since time has not catch up on us yet, let me leave.. with u by my side.
..we'll be nobody, won't even exist...
but though we'll be weak in different sides of the world, i'll still protect you..somehow.
since time has not catch up on us yet, let us leave together..
.. don't tell me i m stubborn, this isn't about stubborness.. nor is this running away..
..there's no one forcing you to leave with me, not with a string on your neck.. realize that its happiness this way.
its the fact that no one is helping us...the fact that everyone is against us..that will make our leave more satisfying.
i wanna run away. but there's no one there. ...
there's people there. but... how can one run away when the people's that there..somehow can't belong..
those places that i thought i really belong to.. isn't really a place for me... i haven't find the right place yet.. not yet. perhaps soon.. maybe tomoro?
only a month and a half here n my english has degrade from the golden stairs of heaven to the sin-filled mud in hell... can't even differentiate whether izzit i WAS or i WERE.
its i WERE.. btw...
stuttering when talking to others... wanted to say LOUDER.. instead wat came out is LOUSER..
and wanted to say PROFESSIONAL...wat came out was... I LOOK SO FOHFESSIONAL.
wa.. i tell u.. remember the computer graphics lecturer i had with such a powderful england? i got stuck accidentally in her class this week.. n she went.. " now, all of u FANSFER FAR into a FOHDER."
n with fel unable to differentiate between rural n urban... my life here is hell... every single word is topsy turvy..thinking twice with every time i spell something.
BUT. one achievement. at least i stopped my self from using.. BASICALLY.
god... i need to get out of this place. i m definitely not completing all 4 years here....or my already gone english would be somehow even goner.
see? i m that bad already.
HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!! that is not so holiday
definition of holiday.. a period of hibernation away from stress n work filled with leisurely activities that will refresh you.
definition of holiday for ME.. a period of more hectic but more enjoyable lifestyle filled with leisurely activities n workload that will tire u even more.
wa.. holidays here. one measly week only. filled with work.. the damn cg thing. have yet to download the instructions from the cg site..
df too. have to finish this weekend.
to cherry, moon maiden, shadow, zzen n capo.. i'll be free the whole week for more intruding in my house.. except for monday.. n vv free for red box or late nights out. with open arms please.
lament bout my LOST/STOLEN ADIDAS sleeveless tshirt
some fool of a pig head stole my adidas shirt which i have wore less than 5 times.
curse that fool... may she have rotten wombs by the time she is 20.. n deflowered ass hole by the time she is 21.. n bald scabby head by the time she is 25.. n may her nails rot by the mouths of bacteria that will consume all her body as well.. crap her. CRAP CRAPP!!
ok. end of lament.
end of blog. more interesting blog later on.
so do u wanna go KS with me?
sure.. of cos..but let me phone my parents beforehand..i had to ask them..
come on..lets walk back to my home n u can use my phone from there.
i walked with shadow..
up the hill... the road leading to my house.. the sky is unusually blue..little dots of cotton wools in the sky...
n suddenly.. a black slash in the sky.
hey, look at that.. wat do u think that is?
eh? i dunno.. wat could that be...
malay men are running towards the top of the hill... we watched carelessly. they were holding pipes.. aiming it to the sky.. n shooting them off.
oh.. it must be the AETNA festival tonight.. most probably they are fireworks or something..
fireworks that drop right into houses?
the nearest house... hit by the massive black spurt of jet fire... started generating its own flames... as we walk further down..people are all running around. all over the place..
my house.. my family... me n shadow ran .. down hill reaching my house.. a young man standing n smoking next to us.. threw a lighted match to the nearest house to him.. it burned.
that house was 2 houses away from my house. we ran inside my house. i explored the house.. checking off every living thing i see.. so that they be unhurt. my dad isn't there.
i rushed to the washroom...n yelled at my maid to help the house that is burning... she seemed stunned.
if we don't help them, the fire's gonna spread to us!
i filled the pail up with water.. waited for the painful minutes of water dripping to pass.
i ran outside the porch with my pail..............
woke up.... ugh...2nd time this week..dreaming bout family in danger. i m gonna go insane.
yesterday.. heard the most amazing news.. news that i had always wanted to hear.. to be assured of. but.. yet afraid that its just something i m listening..for a while...
so i still want it to come true.. but i wonder if i could still be up for it.
love's innocent. n sweet. thats because its from adolescent years.. years that we are trying to tell everybody we have grown up.. but not quite.
i wonder if i m innocent n sweet enough to continue in that love when it happens.
i'll be. though things not real..not yet real.will be real.
i'll be anticipating. with happiness or with dread i do not know. but i'll try once again to remain the same.
THE MAN I LOVE THE MOST
it was snowing.. freezing cold on the outside.. but the warmest feeling in the heart.. being with my boyfriend.. throwing snowballs at each other... laughing.. hugging..
ah... there's my father. behind that block of snow.. he'w waving at us.. walking.. oh.. who's there next to him?
we sauntered to my father happily arm in arm.. laughing n smiling.. my father wasn't looking at us.. he was looking at that man next to him with horror.
i was still smiling.. as if his expression is just a joke.. my father's hand is on his stomach...
he slumped to the snowy ground next to the huge block of snow. the man somehow faded aways because all that is there in my mind is my father with a knife protuding out from his stomach.
the doctor is outside the room..he doesn't look promising.
i came up to him, unprepared .. but still i went up. somehow. my boyfriend had left. i m alone.
...he's not going to make it. the doctor said. the wound is too deep n too late to be healed.
he's lying down in the hospital bed. i was there beside him. eyes so red n swollen with tears that i could no longer hide with a smile.. he awaken.
i tried my best to talk to him as usual. with my usual sacarsm. usual glint of laughter in my eyes.. but everytime i see him so uneasy.. so uncomfortable in his current physical state, my heart twitches with the utmost pain. so painful i couldn't keep the pain inside me.. i just felt like pouring them all out in tears..
he talked as if nothing has happened.. with the same ease... but there's this sadness in his eyes that somehow speak the truth..that they knew he's not going to make it.
I awaken.... on my hostel bed.. face wet with tears... crying so vulnerably... fel was already awake...
I reached for my handphone.. n smsed my dad... I miss him so badly... just wanna feel him near me... n let him scold me for everything I do.. I don't care... I just want him near.
Fel came over.. n asked me wats wrong.. I told her..........n she said that.. if.. u dream of a person's death, it usually means u r going to die first before that person....
Somehow.. I dun feel disappointed or hurt hearing that.. I felt relieved..knowing that everyday in my life, I'll have my father by my side. .its ok if I had to die early.. it really didn't matter one bit.
Went to bathe... n cried again under the shower.... shaking uncontrollably with tears.. how weak... I m.. how very weak.
Somehow everything isn't right without him to nag me.. n bring me out for supper….
I miss him so much.... If I can.. I will hire all the angels in the sky to watch over him. n keep him safe
I'll CRAP U UP.
say goodnight, thank u for being with me tonight.
close ur eyes.. be quiet. i understand the turmoil within u.
i have seen too many situations that are too late to be changed, til i finally found you now.. whether u accept it or would u rather leave me, i hope to stay for a while
other than that, i want u to understand i really love to see your smile...they made me wait for u longer n longer.
reality is not that happy, other than that i really regret..for til now i cannot open up ur heart. n if u need somebody i m sure i'll be there. i won't leave.
so goodbye..goodnight. i can't bear watching ur being so uneasy.
its alright, i m fine i think this story won't have an ending.
theres lots of times which u didn't realize u r already by my side whether u stgay or u leave.
I m gonna stay for a while
recently i have been so cranked up with people around me.. but of cos i TRY not to let that show. how judgemental people can be about first impression n physical looks....... ..
ok.. something funny... today i smsed my dad during lunch.. because i was eating alone.. in my hostel block foodcourt.. chicken chops.. awaiting their chef who loves to use expired french fries for the chicken chop. i was getting bored..
hmm..all words appear as in hp screen.
ME ~ Y i send u email u won't reply geh..
DAD ~ today holiday
ME ~ Is that supposed to be e answer to my question or is tat a statement? ha ha
DAD ~ no internet in hotel coz no cabel
ME ~ U seemed to be sufferin with ur hp keys..such a burden to sms huh..well.. just to say hi only cuz i m eating alone now.. very Sien.take care yea.
DAD ~ HI I HV A GOOD DAY I WENT TO SYDNEY DARLING HARBOUR NOW WASH CLOTH N IRON
ME ~ Ha ha.. u r supposed to be in control of ur hp not e other way round. U WASH CLOTHES AR? Can onot orh.. ok ok i dun wanna kacau u..i wanna go back room adi.
DAD ~ take care love u
.....thats my sweet dad there... trying his best to keep up with the hp keys.. exploring using BIG letters n um......UNIQUE spelling..hahahah
i m so darn bored... did another cg of emma watson.. i liked it.. but others don't. i wonder why...
suddenly felt like eating TOMYAM maggi mee..hmm..go down buy...
recently all my lectures at the hall.. are full of nothing but drawings.. with audrey passing me titles n telling me to draw.. oh.. i drew her n her bro.. n she said that she doesn't look like that wor...................................................................
um.. hahahaha.. okla.. u r prettier la... haha
at least they keep me awake.
back to more interesting things.... i found myself evolving into someone that is predicted once ago.. n once again.. i m helpless..watching myself go down the pit.
i have been too irrational.. can't let my feelings get ahead of me.. not this time. not anymore. ....
unfair isn't it.. .. but i'll be irrational when its worth it. when it is finally worth it.
...mmm....TOMYAM cooking in the HOT CUP...i can smell..
VIRGINITY n SUICIDES
imagine.. in a world..where people have sex freely..(eeyer?)... n its just like a chat over the phone.. n getting raped is just like quarrelling.. the point is...no one gives a damn bout virginity.. n because no one cares, we don't care ourselves too. we don't care if we r not a virgin anymore.. cuz no one elses care.
which means.. if no one cares bout something. we won't too.
n if suicide is an eventual thing in life...um..lets say when all of us is 50 years old. we MUST um..by law commit suicide. it will become a thing so common..cuz everyone is going thru it.. that no one gives a damn bout death anymore.
its all bout rules that r confining us... n the people themselves that do all sorts of funny things to get things started.
good if people could just be watever the hell they wanted to be n heck care bout who think bout them n who care n who like. heck. care. HECK CARE.
anyway.. got my tablet.. still getting used to my PAINTER 8 new environment.. the brushes are real tough to handle..hair looks stiff... n pressure sensitivity of the tablet is real bad too............finished jennifer garner.. but not putting it up. it'll be a disgrace to me n my so called talent.
ok.. so ends tonight. short one..
WHY M i NOT hurt?
i have never really found a place i called home, i never stick quite long enough to make it.
i apologize for once again i m not in love, buts its not that i mind your heart ain't exactly breaking.
its just a thought, ony a thought.
is my life fixed for rent? n i don't learn to buy but i deservenothing more than i get cuz nothing i have is truly ine.
i always wanted to live by the sea, to travel the world alone n live more simply.
i had no idea wat happened to my dream..cuz theres really nothing left here to stop me
ok. deep one tonight.
i really dunnoinking know wat oink i had to do recently. it seemed that snorts n oinks are really snorting n oinking recently at the same time n i couldn't really listen to the snorts or the oinks. oinks might be bad.. so can snorts. but i cannot oink n just oink there.
but i just wanna snore n snort in my sleep... but wat if i oinks instead accidentally.
workload are oinking up expectantly..n............[HOW DO U ALL OINK MY LATEST BLOG LAYOUT??]
but its ok.. i m oinking to my life now.. n snorts realy can be adaptable easily oinkough.
i m trying to keep my oink as abstract so that only certain [ep[;e can oink wat i m snorting here all the oinking time. i do no know wahich snort i oink now.. n its not llike i oink to oink.. but u snort.... i have to oink somewhere later oink too.
in case all of u are oinking, this is how i oink to a certain friend...PHROZT.. i think snort is in the tagboard...oink it out.. snorts n oinks.
i can't go home for the next 3 oinking weeks.. because my dad snorts to aussie n i can't really go home to my stepoink n stepsis n little oinks n snorts cuz wat do i oink if front of snorts??
fel is oinking the cards again..trying to snort out her life..cute oink that one.
audrey went to oink in cyberia already..leaving us snorts n oinks behind...oink oink...sob***...
oh oink, i m starting to get oink to this type of oinking n snorting..so expect more oinks n snorts ..ok?
anyway..my oink here in mmu changed..people are oinking around..n gossiping oinks..n snorts..hearing oinks n snorts vvv often..not all good oinks n good snorts. i dun oink it one bit.. i just wish people here..who are almost all older than snort would just be more oinking mature.
all the past oinks..are almost snorted forgotten..n i feel oinky snorty guilty cuz i used to oink them..alot. alot alot...n sitll miss them even oink.
anyway..fel can't stop falling....fel just feel all the time..oink oink snort snort** ..hehe
i just oink back from cyberia..supper oinks..waited a full oinky hour for that salty snort of mee which no one wanna oink it up in the end.
wat a oink of waste time.,
tomoro dunnoink whether wanna go to zzen's CARMEN..cuz i can't oink back to mmu so late in the night..no bus already oinks..so maybe i can't go..
i miss so many people..my soft oinking heart is going to snort open..wanna snort out my water thru my eyes..sob
oink all of u...[snort*]
OOHH-FULL LUNCH WITH FEL
went to lunch at cyberia with fel.. talking bout things.. n she went awful...ohful..ohh full.. n owwfull... bout her life..
haha.. like this girl alot lar.
BACK TO WHERE I BELONG [ version I ]
i can see the pain living in ur eyes n i know how hard u tried, u deserve to have so much more..i can feel ur heart n i sympathise n i'll never critisize. i dun wanna let u down, i dun wanna lead u on.u deserve a chance at a kinda love i m not sure i m worthy of..
its been a while since i last blog...mainly because i m busy..but thats an excuse... reason being i can't put wat i feel into words lately.. much too complicated...
i had tried to give what i wanna give.. but it had gotten so hard that i just gave up...sorry.. its just that i m so used to being in the first place that i find it hard for me to be second for once.
anyway..people..i went ON AIR..yea.. interviewed as a DJ in radio mmu... made a fool of myself of cos........u all know my voice sucks...big time.. but cool...vv cool..
well.. u all know i m HAZE in mmu.. n a day after my interview... farah marrissa.. i wonder if u all still remember her in our school days.. she was interviewed... n one of the djs there actually REMEMBERED me.. n talked bout me to her.. n she went.."oooh... haze..thats LONG YEN YEN!!"
wa.... i wanna dig a hole n bury myself alive. after all my effort.
oh.. bout the choir performance.. its both funny n disastrous..but vv fun all the same....
i just hope people here in mmu would be less childish when it comes to judging others... there are so many comments bout people i know already..not all good. for christ sake..if u have nothing good to say bout others, then shut up!
i m sorry i turned your life upside down.. n even more sorry i can put it right STRAIGHT where it usually is. sorry.
so marks the end.
by myself once more..not complaining..not regretting..grateful actually.
BACK TO WHERE I BELONG [ version II ]
if i give up on u, i give up on me.. if we fight wat's true..will we ever be?
even god himself got no faith i knew..shouldn't hold me back. shouldn't keep me from u.
i can feel the blood rushing thru my veins when i hear ur voice..driving me insane. hour after hour...day after day..every lonely night that i sleep n pray.
we live our lives on different sides but we keep together you n i..we'll live our lives..we'll take the punches everyday..i know we'll gonna find our way. i believe in u..even if no one understands.. i believe in u.. n i dun really give a damn.
i remembered everything he said.. i tried to make him move on just like how i made myself to move on.. thought that it would be better for both of us.. for our own sakes n our happiness...but in the end..all i did was hurt him again... deeper with each stroke.
its really ridiculous..thinking back...we never really have anything REAL..but yet the feelings are there all these while....it always hurt so bad when i miss him...
well...true love doesn't have a happy ending..because it never ends. never does.
i still remembered how he pulled me into the bathroom.. fumbled with the soap wrapper.. in the end i had to open it for him..n he turned on the tap water which fell down softly on the white basin... he held my hands..n rub the soappy water on them gently.. n then pulling my hands n putting them under the running water.. washing them clean... while i just look down the whole time..
n how he wiped away my tears..
n how he held on to me faithfully n endlessly eventhough i hurt him.. deeper n deeper with each stroke..
.. of cos.. how his love for me still grow stronger each day even when both of us are apart..... n how he still find room in his heart to forgive me n take me back despite all the mistakes i had done...how he still give me his vvv best n his everything even when i m giving nothing..
n obviously... how he still forgive me for all the bad things i had written bout him here in my blog..sorry.. my anger..
n finally..how he held on eventhough i have had someone else.
i'll never hurt him again.. even if i had to die, i won't hurt him anymore.
i swear.everyone n anyone who reads my blog be my witness. if i hurt him may i die pierced with a spear up my womb.