Take my hand.. lead me through the fire.
i hate this part right here. the only thing that comforts me is assurance.
its been a long journey since i started blushberry.
now that i finally realized.
the person I really am..
i guess if I am written in fiction.. I would both hate and love my character.
perhaps that's the problem. the fact I could still love this kinda character.
I am addicted to people. their faces.
their imperfections. yes this is my first point.
and loved them all.
hence i loved to talk about them.
i do not have secrets. perhaps at young, my all was already bared. to everyone.
and my philosophy is :
'if i have a secret, then it means I am still in pain.'
'a secret is no longer a secret when you tell the first person.'
and sometimes.. people wouldn't announce that something they said is a secret. they expected you to know.
and more than often enough, i do not know what is a secret and what is not.
back to talking bout them. I blatantly and ruthlessly bare all.
the disrespectfulness of this i still couldn't comprehend.
cuz i thought u only reveal the secret hidings to people important to you.
perhaps I never thought that i was.
why. i supposed thats another issue.
i could cry now knowing the pain i caused others.
but i guess i should keep it inside to remind me not to do it again.
whether how i view them... i do not know if i can change.
but i do know that this is the way to stop the damages i befall upon them.
now i see the pointlessness of apologies.
but i guess punishments are in call.
just so i will never do it again
sketched by Haze Long at 8:37 PM
Chasing temporary highs
of a perfect smile
and a perfect prince
extends a hand to me
what do you mean i m shy.
I am just choosy.
sketched by Haze Long at 3:49 AM
how are you doing..
are you ok..
are you fine..
are you happy.
its painful. strickenly painful
to see the sand castle get swept away by the waves.
built it. repaired it. rebuilt. rebuilt.
in the end. it flowed away into the sea.
melting with other particles of life.
never to meet again.
will i ever see the world as a free person
who don't belong to you.
i touch myself and can only feel imprints you made on me.
i see myself and can only see you beside me.
i look around me and can only see our memories everywhere.
i feel like laughing hysterically.
i feel like crying til my heart runs out of air.
i feel like screaming hoping my screams will make everything better.
i been numb. dumb.
i never knew Sundays are so empty. so quiet.
love is like the wind.
you can't catch it. hold it. chain it.
but let it flow around you.. and feel the emotions go deep inside you
for that brief moment.
i wonder if it is only me.. who winds down the window and put my hand out while i drive.
to feel the wind.
i wonder how many drivers out there today see the beautiful sky and the clouds.
and feel the wind.
i m not free.
i m still bound by chains.
the name of my owner is still engraved on my dog tag round my neck.
looking for a key to unlock.
i wondered if you have found your painkiller yet.
i wonder if you have made new memories with someone else.
i wonder if you knew. how hard i tried. how i did not even cry. i did not even talk.
everyday..i see new faces.
i get excited.
the world is big.
it is all mine to take.
yet i couldn't take when i am in chains.
i wonder if you recall this movie.
of this story of a group of people in a prison.
when one of them gets released, he couldn't fathom the freedom.
and he end up killing himself.
he was too used to the prison.
i wonder if you knew that i was suffocating.
there are times when i waited for you. you never c0me.
there are times you waited for me. I was away. you send msgs.
to me. then to my friends.
before i could touch the keys.. the whole world is announcing and they are all worked up trying to tell me you are waiting.
and all you want to ask is what i did today. yesterday tomorrow. the day before.
i have to repeat whats in the diary. to you.
n all i really wanted to say was.. nothing happened everyday.
i do not care. i want to forget what happened everyday.
there are days i wake up. and sleep.
where you did not appear in my mind. and at night i have to tell you i miss you. i love you.
there are days i remember.. of the love that we had.
there are nights i hope my fingers can trace your jawline. and your nose.
n those times i told you i miss you. i love you.
i wonder if you could tell the difference.
there are times i realized. i have not release my chain on you.
because you are mine and mine alone.
often i feel lost. with the freedom that i have.
these are the times i feel lost without all your rules and warnings.
those are the times i should have felt irritated. just like how i felt when you existed.
somehow, the good memories have vanished.
but the bad ones are the ones I could not let go.
and they are the ones that drove me away from you.
time will not change who we are.
it will only add more scars.
the next time we meet..will we recognize each other.
will the vacant space next to our shoulder be filled with another human.
do we need to laugh and smile at the pain of seeing each other in another person's possession.
how many heartaches does it take.
to make this right.
how many beds do we need to sleep in.. to forget us.
how many more nights do i need to remove this black chain from my hand.
sketched by Haze Long at 4:37 AM
its funny .... there was this knot inside.. it just released.. after we talked..
its funny.. there's this incredible pain whirling inside.. it just can't come out.
its stupid.. there are rubbish everywhere..
maybe you can't tear if you are bleeding internally.
sketched by Haze Long at 6:40 PM
If I could make the skies blue for you.. I would.
If I could go back to the days where we first met, I rather we not meet.
Given the chance, I rather we meet when time is on our side.
If I could go back to the sweet days of romance, I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather we stay the same.. instead of becoming mao maos.
If I could go back to uni days.. I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather us not meet each other's parents.
I rather us be in our little bubble of joy.
Given the chance, I rather us argue everyday.
Then we wouldn't pretend to accept and agree.
Then every real argument won't start cuz one of us exploded and ends up in break up.
Given the chance, I wouldn't change from the girl you once knew to the person I am.
and given the chance, I rather you not change from the guy you once was.
If there is 7 days in a week, I rather spend only 2 days with you. instead of 7.
Then we wouldn't take each other for granted.
If we knew what we did was so harmful, we wouldn't do it.
If we could just sleep and wake up to romantic days, that would be ideal.
If you could accept me and my changes, you wouldn't need to compromise.
If I could just be honest with you, I wouldn't need to pretend. and you wouldn't need to pretend that you are less committed to prevent pain.
If we are less frustrated with own selves, then we wouldn't take it out on each other.
I guess we destroyed everything.
I guess its too late.
and there is nothing to do but to cry.
for our lost love.
"Forgive me, I am this kinda girl:
I never knew my role.. fearing that I would need to make sacrifices for someone again.
To love, you need some kind of talent.
that's why I finally learn that to love, you need to give space..
I am not naive enough..
I don't allow myself to wait like an idiot.
but I am cruel to myself..
no matter how cruel, I still know my limits.
I was too serious..that's why I believe in love forever.
love makes us disappointed, thats why we pull each other down lower.
I was too responsible, I do not allow myself to have too many regrets..
but I am honest to myself, no matter how honest, I still know my limits.
I am an innocent kinda girl.. I do need some time to let out a long sigh..
those casual hugs, I keep them for people I hurt before.
You know that there are some questions that have no answers.. you still have to ask.
forgive me..cuz I am this kinda girl.."
I dunno where to start.. or how.. but I do know he does not follow this blog.. so this is the only place.
Since young, I been trying.. trying to be good enough..
good enough so my mom have a reason to fight on.. to live.. at least for me.
apparently I am not good enough.
I tried to study with all that I have.. so that my aunts would love me like how they love their wretched and hopeless kids. in the end, they din give shit bout me.
apparently I am still not good enough.
I tried to study, I tried to work, I tried to entrepreneur, I tried to be creative.. so that my father would at least be proud of me.. i don't really need the pride from him.. but all i want is just a tiny little acknowledgement or encouragement.
even if that is not there, I just need him to stay in the family. or just to stop taking it out on me.
he wouldn't take the initiative to find out my performances, presentations, report book days, awards.. but do I really have to tell him everything so he would understand.
I am doing better ... compared to working 9-5 in some shit company, no matter what I would strive to never get employed. just to prove everyone I can do it.
he said he is worth 2k per hour. his dad said 500 per hour.
did they think when they are at MY age, what they were worth an hour. compared to the person I am now.
still. apparently I am not good enough. compared to China chicks or other kids. or other people he knew.
I only have 24 hours a day..splitting between work, family, friends and boyfriend and his family. Do I even have time for myself. I don't.
Do I even have time or any energy to remember where I last put my handphone, contact lenses, mouse, specs.. I really don't. Every second in my life, all that was in my mind is the rotating priorities that I have to place above myself.
And it was all sliced to 1 am for the previous days. I am running so thin.
I guess its obvious I sometimes or most of the time don't have the energy to remember that I need to bath, or brush my teeth or sleep. I can't remember when I turned to this.
It's the first time I felt suicidal last night. its the first time since a long time ago that I remember and I was possessed by the person that I was 10 years ago. Feeling so worthless and undeserving of everything around me, I just want everybody to disappear so I don't trouble them with my existence.
I thought of dying..and then I remember, I am in his house. The trouble I would cause them after that is astounding. and also to my dear 3 friends. and my dad would take it bad.
Then I thought, "Even in death, my existence seem to bring trouble to everyone around me".
Then I thought, "This must be how my mom felt."
Then I thought, "I must have this from her."
The window was so inviting, so is the wall. but I know, I know that this shit just means I am running away, but I am not. I just want to erase all the inches and pixels of the proof of my existence.
I have caused sufferings. If I didn't my mom wouldn't go. my dad married another for my sake. he is unhappy cuz I existed as his daughter. everyone around me have to bear and compromise all the shit I threw out again and again.
I thought I was normal... but then again, I was just suppressing this person inside me. It came out finally. I had never became any better since last time.
He said "If you go on like this, I am afraid there would be no one else left to love you anymore".
He said " I am frustrated and pressured to remind and scold u time and time again to close the toilet door, to remember where is your contact lenses, you even lost the handphone cover. the handphone I gave you. you fried your mac."
He said " How could you forget to close the gate. and spend the nights with friends than with me"
He said "I started playing football manager cuz u ceased to come home. and every night I am frustrated."
He said "If you could leave your house for 2 weeks cuz you are angry at your dad, next time you would do the same to me.. I am just not ready for that"
my one and only question is... since he already played fm before I went out often, why play last night when I was there waiting.. and waiting..
well.. cuz it was one click too long.
I couldn't adapt. couldn't stay in any house.. my house.. his house. their house. any house.
if you are that irritated.. and that frustrated that all this is in your mind... and when tears are running.. you don't give a damn..
its not like you didn't go out. with your friends.
Its because I was confined to your house rules, that I couldn't make it back. no. correction, I was not good enough cuz I couldn't wake up early and make it back in time. this is what you wanted to think.
I am just tired of defending. I will never be good enough for you.
I tried to love. but apparently not good enough.
and suddenly I just have this urge to find all the things that I couldn't find. my specs. my mouse. my contact lens case, my swimming goggles, my eyelashes, my handphone cover.
and I just couldn't remember. where. I just couldn't. and I just broke and cry each time I couldn't remember. Its so intensely frustrating. I thought I went insane. I felt out of the world.
you said... please sleep. i love you. come to bed.
don't pacify me. it's too late.
you said.. please stop this, tomorrow we will talk.
don't fool me with the once-you-sleep-the-next-morning-everything-will-be-better talk.
just stop talking. stop blaming. stop pushing all your frustration unto me. and just admit you don't love me.
cuz I think I was the only one with the intention to love yesterday night.
I won't defend myself. even if I win... you would start all the i love you i accept you i need you i want you shit. and i don't want that now.
just stop. everything. just stop.
it's just so fake. you may be the best boyfriend, sweets and charms and compromising.. but if you are feeling so irritated and frustrated inside, the sugar mask you put on will crack one day.
you may have rainbows and suns in front of me, but when I am away you bask in nothing but loneliness and frustration, not in our love. and true enough, it went on up to the point where I was around you, you are still drowning in loneliness and frustration.
all i could do is just to blame myself for being not good enough.
and for finally loving you when you don't love me.
the signs are all there, for the first time u went berserk trying to force me to talk.
for the first time i have nothing to say to you.
for the first time i m actually suicidal.
and for the first time you pushed me until I thought I was insane at one point.
and when i woke up, I had this sanguine feeling that I never felt before. a feeling like the day could not possibly get worse cuz its at its worst.
well here is what I want to say :
you place me in second place, and you in first. (you sped to your comedy show, and crawl to the jammed areas for my photoshoot)
you lose your temper at the slightest thing, at games. at futsal. at your friends. at the whole world around you. and that is enough to make you moody and I have to pamper you.
you think ur better than me cuz you confine to your house rules, but everytime you use me as an excuse to break your house rules.
you don't mind tainting me just to make sure u stay on your parent's good side.
you don't mind lashing out on kim til she cries when she isn't at fault, just cuz u lost ur temper.
don't show up in front of me anymore.
i cannot be with someone who is able to bring out the side of me yesterday.
even if you beg and promise 10 000 times you won't do it again, the answer's still the same.
sketched by Haze Long at 3:05 AM
All children disappoint their parents.
We often say "We do not get to choose who our parents are"
but in fact, they do not get to choose who their children will be.
Some parents don't give a fuck.
Most parents just want the best for us.
Some parents can't wait for us to leave the house
Most parents just want to cage us forever.
We are never perfect and never will be.
So forget the Stepford family that you are trying to portray.
We all have skeletons in our closet.
and we just want you to love us, skeletons beers smokes and all.
Sometimes we rebel.
Most of the times, we compromise and wait for the storm to be over.
Most of the times, we can't wait to get out of the house to be with our friends or girl friends or boy friends.
Most of us treat home like a hotel.
but that doesn't mean we don't love our parents.
but sometimes, we do push their patience and test their unconditional love for us.
that's what children do.
there comes a breaking point where a child turns 18 or 21 and become mature.
but not all parents change the way they talk or treat their grown up child when that happens.
to them, we are still their baby in diapers.
there comes another point where that child will force out of their cage.
I love my dad very much. sometimes i feel the urge to keep him at my side at all times.
i feel the urge to control him. and his life.
most of all, i feel the urge to sort his life in order and make him happy.
i even told people I want to marry him. what the fuck right.
but i don't.
because I know that for the man that he is, he is capable of living his own life to his satisfaction.
I am grateful for he feels the same for me ( i think)
sometimes.. we just gotta have faith in our parents' or children's capability to go on without us.
it may even be unsettling to know that they probably get on happier without us.
but it is a price that only unconditional love can pay.
if you have been caging someone for long, he will break out soon and never come back.
learn to let go.. and you'll find that he will come back to you.
who am i to teach you... when i have no mother. and my father is all i have.
well, its heartwrenching to see lovey dovey families. i never had that.
its even more painful to see normal families arguing. i never had that.
just don't want you to lose what you have. that's all there is.
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."
is gushing through the spaces between my cells like torrents of brown muddy water.
how do I filter and distill them into water in order to explain to you.
I know you are hurting. so am I too.
When ur on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."
All that I can see when I look at you is the hurt I put upon you.
causing you to recoil in defense.
Am I that scary.
The problem with us is that there is no problem at all.
but there is still something that can't be fixed.
what is it.
i caused all the catastrophe, underestimating my own feelings for you.
and now all the collateral damage is on us.
We are still healing.
yet somehow I opened some new wounds again.
sketched by Haze at 11:08 PM
Drain. the veins from my head.
Clean out the reds in my eyes.
to get by this life.
I complain, for the company that I keep.
but who's laughing now.
I'm back here again.
if my life clears up. damn.
i'll walk through the maze with a little less stumble.
Fool. the batteries that I keep.
Inject some calories into my skin.
to get some color back.
I cry, for the lack of time that I have.
but who's consoling now.
I'm back here again.
if my life clears up. damn.
i'll reach out to the dreams.
Chill. the bacardi in the hourglass.
Lock the awards away in the X-ray machine.
to prepare for the postponed celebration.
I screamed, at all the running success.
but who's understanding.
i'm back here again.
if my life clears up. damn.
i'll make my efforts become the success that I want.
" Haze Long is busy and cannot come to the counter at the moment, please leave a message"
if i could make you happy by saying yes.. i would
if i could make you happy by changing.. i would
if i could make you happy by sacrificing my time.. i would
if i could make you happy by sacrificing my family and friends.. i would
if i could make you happy by lying and pretending.. i would
i have lived so long for your happiness banking that your given happiness would be sufficient to light my heart..
its just that the light has grown dim..
if i could love you forever.. i would... i really would..
i still love you.. it pains me to see you hurt.. it pains me to my core..
perhaps you felt the same way.. perhaps you 'if i could-i would-i did' on me too...
you are everything I wanted and more.. why did the feeling fade.. but the pain strengthens..
because i did 'if i could-i would-i did' and it shouldn't be like that.. it should be effortless deeds that pleases each other. living on accomodating is difficult.
its eating me up.. its killing me. yet why can't i leave..
i m tired.. of lying.. accomodating.. of crying wolf of 'break up' when I couldn't let you go.
let you go to another one. knowing I lost you forever.
you said that I would be in the special place in your heart forever.. but i just want to love you, instead god played a joke on me and took the love away, replaced it with pain.
its really painful.. its hurting.. i was wrong to say I felt pain. this is like no other.
yet I know.. that you will not change.. you are an open book that will remain the same.
it is me. that fooled you with a fake story, in the end I destroyed the only thing I ever wanted in my life. you.
i destroyed it by pretending to be someone I am not. cuz I adapt too easily into another skin and mask just to please you. can you even tell that you really know me.
how could I have ever thought that giving you little moments of happiness would bring such distress and unsettledness in me.
yes. we could be together. forever. mend each other hearts.
but there is too much old shit to change. n its not like new shit won't come.
will you be willing to work with me..
or will this repeat.
... we could go on separate ways.. into the uncertainty and into the big world outside our bubble.
i could find someone that I can effortlessly make him happy without accomodating..
you could find someone that love you as much as you love her.. now isn't that a beautiful thought.
i could also fall into the same trap over n over again because I am me and I cannot change my eager to please ways..
you could also ... you see this is the problem.. i do not think you will have a problem at all.. cuz ur that wonderful.
i still remember the man i fell in love with.. now he is gone, replaced by a babylike boy who is childlike and playful.
n u still remember the woman u fell in love with... now she is gone, replaced by a wild. overambitious insecure workaholic.
hence we tried. tried to love who we have became.. most of all we accomodate to these changes..n it sucks.. cuz i m wondering where is my man and you are wondering where is the woman who caught your heart.
sometimes its predictable. your actions and behaviour. like how you would turn up today unannounced, n how u are extra careful and sweet.. how u thank someone you hated before.. just to tag at another chance with me..
but when u score it, will u keep on with this behaviour... or will you just turn back to normal...cuz if u do.. we'll probably end up like this again.
i was so influenced by my mom's diary... words of love and pride of her man before she died.. I wanted to experience it... but I couldn't with you.
of course I do not know what to do....
how can one be rational at love when it is the only thing that you can be irrational and lose your control completely. i love to drown in the emotions... without passing thru the customs of the rational airport.
sure i know what I want.
if i leave.. i want to be happy. be free. find out who i am.. play.. work at my own pace.. grab career opportunities the minute they sparked up.
and if i stay.. i know I want to be happy once more, to be in love again with the same person who stole my heart.. cuz if i have the ability to love.. i would love you again.. and no other.. cuz ur that fabulous to me.
but i guess it was all lost one rainy day.... the day where I so cruelly tested u with my anger, not that I am that furious anyway. n since then.. everything went downhill.. we lost what was sweet and romance became routine. kisses became greetings. and the feeling of bliss just by touching ur finger became nothingness, just like touching ur own finger.
since then, i have tried.. i pleaded.. for things to go back to where they were.. but u couldn't do it. didn't wanna do it. i dunno.
then things went on the path that lead us to today.. the accomodating, compromising, sacrificial routine of everyday life for each other.
isn't things supposed to be as effortless as the big before. where a single conversation in front of the class send tingles of love down our spine and melting our hearts?
where has that go... i am still searching.. where.. maybe it has gone away for good.. maybe it has gone to someone else.. which I fervently hope it did. cuz you couldn't bring it back. not one time..
maybe it takes too much effort and toll on you, but it shouldn't when the mere existence of me right in the chair in front of you makes you feel like that luckiest guy in the world.
u probably forgotten how it felt then.. cuz ur so comfortable now. cuz if we were in that state.. i wouldn't be like this.. so stupidly accomodating to ur needs and happiness.... i wish that it would come back.. for me. for us.
but how could it when you didn't want it to go back to the way it were before..n also, now we have both changed into something we are both not comfortable with.
n we also have different needs and goals now..
yes i hold you dear.. n i care. and I love you.. but i have no confidence in making this be good anymore..
i have no more confidence in being happy and high up in heavens when u get me something nice..
i only see it as another chain locking me down to this routine of accomodation and nothingness.
more n more chains popped up.. n i grew more n more distressed... especially when u play the controlling chain game...it just tears me up...
but i m a coward.. i do not want to leave you.. yet i do not want to attempt to try and get the love back cuz i m afraid of the same accomodating, compromising, life with you.
i do not know what i want. n i have no confidence in love anymore.. when something so beautiful can become something so dull and grey in such a short time..
i wished i could have done things differently.. to keep the passion alive...
but now i just need to know if i can go on... or not.
i just dunno... dunno.... dunno
sketched by Haze at 9:32 PM
Have you ever have an online chat where there is a reply like this
let me tell you how it turns me off.
my first ex used to dot dot dot his shit when he is pissed bout me.
everytime he does that, its like the arrival of the god of war and I know that somehow, someway.. in some retarded sense I cannot comprehend.. i pissed him off.
up until now.. when people DOT DOT DOT me.. I get the same fucking feeling that i pissed them off.
n in return. it turned me off.
if u have nothing to say. don't reply. don't bother to dot dot dot.
or if u are displeased. say it. u can dot ur ass to buddhist hell.
sketched by Haze at 3:03 AM
Coffee. Smokes. Books.
one is alright. 2 or 3 is fine.
10 is excessive.
patience. love. compromise.
doing it 24/7 for 1 year is alright.. 2 or 3 years is fine.
one whole freaking life is excessive
doting. spending time. bedding.
5 days per week 2 years is alright.. 3 years is fine.
one whole freaking life is tiring.
am I a child?
am I your property?
the sands are running out.. I am empty. too many holes. the punches will hurt more now than ever.
I stretched. lied. was suffocated.
just to prolong the pain from hitting you. each time I made you happy, I killed a little bit of myself.
I am fucking scared. attached too many limbs to my body.. if only I have torn the rest out before attaching another, I wouldn't be such a coward now. of being original. default.
watever fuck u call that shit.
sketched by Haze at 10:51 PM
It would be stupid to say that I am there. I am it. I have it.
I have got everything.
when the 'want' wanes.. and it ain't there no more.
everything is a chore.
"I live in a bubble.. more and more holes pop up.. I have 10 fingers and 10 toes to stop it from bursting.
I am still surviving.
but add another bubble with another person. hence I cannot mend. with only 20 plugs.
I am stretched to the limit.. trying to keep both bubbles apiece."
Ah. fuck the grass. fuck the green grass.
... Once upon a time, I know who I am. lonely, depressed, sick of everyshit, friends who don't mean nothing, feeling like I should help every fucking one in the world.
One day.. I met this guy.. I lost myself to desperation.
turned myself, changed myself into someone I do not know.
The next day, I met a boy..feeling like I should help again, from the V2 I changed and adapted into a V3. another stranger in me.
And I met a man.. I turned into yet another stranger to myself. confining, adapting into a lifestyle that is not me.
Who am I?
Tomorrow, I shall kill all of them with brutal knives of word.
just to find out who I am. just to find out.. who is the New. Me.
"Its difficult and distressing when there is so many holes in the bubble and you are so weary of keeping it patched and floating just to avoid the collateral damage on the people inside the bubble"
How long can you keep it patched. cuz I ain't got long no more.
And yes, I will take the blame. the pain, yet I know there might be no gain. no friends.
but I should be a man. and take it all.
When one have pleasure, the other must have pain.
Are you the one in pleasure or are you the one with the pain?
cuz I am the one with the pain and I wanna have the pleasure. for once.
think of me.
think of myself.
cuz if I don't. who will.
I wanna be at peace.
The diary sat there.
The book. of her last days.
The book that was forbidden to me for 15 years.
The familiar Red Diary she so often scribble in with a wrinkle in her brow in her light blue pajamas.
I couldn't resist but held it close to my nose, hoping to catch a whiff of her scent from the book.
It smelled like an 8 year old girl's tears.
I read it.
How shall I put into words the feelings I felt. Have you ever have someone you were close to, like soul mates in love but now feel nothing for that person due to time and distance?
That was how she were to me, nothingness. I don't love her. I don't know her.
Reading her handwritten words, each pen scratch were like her voice. Our very first conversation. Her explanation of her actions and her requests finally found a voice after 15 years.
And though I felt nothing. remember almost nothing of her but her smell and her antiques.
I cried as her words etched her deep, unmoving love for me and my father.
I feel sad when I read all her dedications to her loved ones, her doctors.
I feel angry when I detect the weakness in her handwriting.
I feel happy. so happy when she jots down our beautiful past together as a perfect family. The family I never remembered finally came to life. and I cried know that what little love and comfort I have now is what she had pleaded my father to give me.
I feel envious of her and doubtful of myself when she declare her love for my father again and again. I guess... you can say you love someone forever when you know you are gonna kill yourself soon. The term, 'forever' becomes legit and true. Her pride and her doting on my father was evident in her last words, I doubt that I can feel or love like her in my current self.
Her words were scattered in random pages. some dates corrected. some pages were scribbled on purpose. She wrote on the back of receipts, documents ... I guess I am somewhat like her. Love to write but nags alot in our writing, repeating each point again with different constructions and structures.
Her last page was marked by the ribbon bookmark before she left us forever.
I had always blamed her selfishness for leaving us dry and bleeding. In truth, she was just being afraid of being a burden to her perfect husband and her wonderful daughter.
Well. I learnt that when you know you are close to death, you try to make a mark on the world. the least you could do is write. write. and write.
and there are alot of numbers. Bank account numbers, lawyers, wills, deposit box...phone numbers scribbled. Who do you call to say goodbye?
She called an empty house. Our old house who was already discarded then. whom she so frequently fondly called, 'Home sweet Home'. Just to hear the happy memories ring .. ring... ring..
Oh. What pain she must have gone thru. What pain he had gone thru. Who am I to cry when I am the one being loved and pampered the most though it's scarce by norm.
I often thought I was unsheltered. Unloved. but infact, in this ugly scenario.. I was already given the maximum bleeding amount of love everybody else can afford.
It's time I admit to myself. I was not traumatized due to my headstrong and cold heart. I was protected all along.
I was fooled by my own perception of myself, of other people's perception of myself. that I am Strong.
When in fact, I am just another sheltered cowardly child.
Fatally wounded and undead, he protected me with a 'collateral damage' mask so that I am.. who I am today.
Which leads me.
Who am I.
I disregard my loved ones.
I am in a mess that I can't get out.
I have yet to experience love like they did.
Very little children will bide by their parents wishes, eventhough most of the time they want the best for us.
but for me. I shall follow her wishes for me.
to be truly happy for myself.
Drastic decisions have to be made.
If you think you know me now, you probably won't soon.
sketched by Haze at 4:12 AM
Since no one freaking read this dead blog.. i m gonna cater it to all my long time friends from mmu n god knows where you know me from.
especially my ex housemates who used to sit through my cooking-obsession to my working-obssession to my gossip and shockingly unhygienic health.
So this is an update bout what has been happening in my life.
Dear people from my traumatic years,
1. I know the truth now.
2. I will be coming back for revenge.
3. I realized my father was right, you were all wrong.
4. I know that yall never did love me, you were just making up for your fucking sins.
5. My dad n I have a strong bond now.
Dear people from my teenager years,
1. I am no longer meek and ugly
2. I am confident and so loud you better run
3. I think I m hotter too.
4. oh. and I smoke and club.
5. I dun really care bout yall but somehow I think I still do cuz when I see yall hang out without me, I asked myself, 'Why am I not there again?'
6. I graduated from MMU last August.
Dear MMU friends,
1. I am still unemployed unless self employed counts
2. I am still as unhealthy.
3. I do not cook anymore
4. I have fun everyday but still make money every month.
5. I am bored even when I am stressed working
6. I learned how to play mahjong and I am addicted to it.
7. I still sleep as random as I used to.
8. Me and David is still together.
9. I am not pregnant
10. I am getting married though (kidding)
11. I miss yall... Happy birthday Charel and Dennis. I bet the letters are struggling to get away from each other due to the souls inhabiting the words 'Charel' and 'Dennis'
12. David is now stuck to a 2 am curfew
13. He also took the California Fitness Gym membership to satisfy my wants for a hot bf
14. We just went Jason Mraz concert. We saw Bayie, Marrisa, Fariq, Chew, Aimran, Fuu and Syikin there just now.
15. His world still evolves around me entirely.
Dear best and close friends,
1. I am still the same.
2. I wonder how all of you are doing in your job
i wonder if i can tag yall to do the same cuz i really wanna know what's going on in your life right now.
Dennis, Calvin, Ivan(die la you), Johnny, Vinn, Charel, Dwong, Auds, Celine, Tan
sketched by Haze at 2:55 AM
1. feeling of being imprisoned
2. surrounded by people who dislike me
3. if i m unable to be who i am
4. when my efforts are not being appreciated
1. being myself
2. proving others wrong
sketched by Haze at 9:54 PM
oi tan. i got ur MSN MSG!!
why so many thank yous.. the definite reason is that i m such a lousy friend but I have so many freaking amazing friends.
don't send me anymore touching msgs already. i m breaking down liao fuck wei.
happy chinese new year.
will have a party after cny. my super belated bday party that i suddenly decided to have after what. 3 weeks. as a thank you to all of you.
details and invis will be up in fb soon.
all of you non drivers i swear to god i m gonna get yall drunk. lol
pls dun buy me present.
sketched by Haze at 2:04 PM
thank you.. this is the first time in my life i heard 2 girls debating about my happiness while i m moping away on top of the toilet bowl trying to poop.
and thank you for the blanket.. sorry for intruding last night.. (btw, you don't have to look at me everytime i sniff.. its not a prelude to a torrent of tears .. your house is just plain dusty alright)
i had a vision.. being foolishly happy.. with a bashful grin..
i m sure.. that future exists..
it made me smile.. a little.
i m not proud of being a bad girlfriend. i m a fucking jew for christ sake and failing at this is the worst that could possibly happen to me. but it did happened.
to cling on when all the cards i dealt out will only turn into knives. that's a tad selfish.
who am i. i m just a starved plastic mannequin drowning in smokes.
and you. you are up there you know. just. there. a furious angel.
you are tired. i m tired too.
i m tired of all my friends always thinking bout you and your wholesome goodness.
i m tired of thinking of your wholesome goodness.
cuz i can't fucking par up to your bread. fuck i m still trying to scrape off the fungus on me and you are already blinding me with your whole.some.good.ness.
everybody is saying.. he's so good. he is so good. he is so good. can't get anywhere else. last species.
fuck. YOU try to be his girlfriend. see if you can still get the air to your lungs.
oh right. maybe you can.
to say i love myself would be a lie.
to say i hate myself would be an understatement.
but its an irony..how can one loathe herself and still want to be loved by others eh.
i m a coward. i don't play by the rules. when people struggle n suffer.. i blinded myself with a substitution of role playing mechanism.
it is time. i play by the rules.
mr. pain has been waiting. waiting to pounce. on the victim who escaped so many times.
i will brave it out.
sketched by Haze at 3:22 PM
i said. where.
where the fuck did i get the balls to put this shit up.
"um.... 7 eleven"
din no fucking make no difference.
Its been so insanely long since I plugged in my tablet.
you heard it.
plug wat yo.
why am I talking like a nigger
well, my love of a father got drunk pissed at me that day.
(I was the drunk one, mind)
and went :
I am not gonna wait for no damn you.
went clubbing for 2 nights straight
*tsk tsk shake head.. what's happening to haze*
i rained torrents of bile and shit on kim's car and i can hear her yakking away on her phone.
then a whiff of irritating smell hit me. a tissue box hit my hands.
I officially hit a 6 for the 'number of times i club'
"well, put it this way.."
fuck that. fuck you.
the next time i see you, not only will i rain torrents of ice cubes on you. i ma gonna rain my bile n shit on your faggot face.
(turns on sweet mode)
I celebrated my birthday at No Black Tie.
um. thank you for all the wishes. After the clubbing shit ( oh fuck, sweet mode) after all the partying.. i LOVE my guys. ALL the guys in my life.
*chomp* I m eating the 12 hour old prosperity burger.
the onions taste like hair.
It's 5.44 am now.
shiina ringo is my fucking god.
thanks johnny. i know i m your god.
(this is why u let me in ur band right, which i m beginning to think its non-existent)
and also thank you for that hugely emo and touching comment.
it must have crushed your balls and inverted your nipples just trying to be nice to me eh.
appreciate the effort man. best present ever, the msg not the balls.
bread n butter forever.
and thank YOU.
its not like we are friends. GASP
it silence the hard rock that is playing in my head and tuned it to jason mraz's geek in pink.
that's what you did.
.. of cos. thank you.
for giving me the screams.
wtf sony ericsson logo on the present box.
ps. i'm yours?
sketched by Haze at 5:35 AM
Oh... so beautiful is that hatred. that pain. that silent acknowledgment of life's shit.
I cried.. oh how I cried. tears of relief of how I wasn't the only one.
the only one with shit.
How can one comprehend another who only think in words.. not music.
Your mind is a fucking living etude.. with the superintelligence of Chopin.
Ah. it was funny. it was ironic. it was fucking deja vu.
wrong was i to think i was the only person with such abstract and crazy thoughts.
sketched by Haze at 5:14 AM
ok.. i calm down liao. wtf i posted here yesterday.
well basically i had a great time.
nothing of interest happen.
i was just fucking high from booze.
sketched by Haze at 3:30 PM
Its over. I felt like cinderella back in my rags. I remember the smell, the high. N how close i was to nirvana. So Fucking close. A double sworded nirvana hell that i nearly stumbled into. But it was orgasmic while it lasted thanks.
sketched by Haze at 5:25 AM
my bipolar personality has taken yet another morbid twist. Yesterday I was all beaming and happy.. flying like a wing fairy.. now I am emo like a black crow that got stuck with an even uglier witch.
my birthday is coming in 1 and a half hours time.. shit don't feel special no more.. til to the extent that i wish that no one would know or remember my birthday.
I am the kinda person that drives out for errands alone and then bang my car while reversing ( not for parking but on a driving lane). I would also smoke in front of my sis n bro.. i don't remember anyone's birthday except for my parents and my boyfriend. if i were to fly to tokyo tomorrow, I wouldn't have a farewell dinner or party or glamour clubbing.
the funny thing is.. I thought i was good. i thought i was the nicest. the kindest. the most glam.
but the older i get.. the more I began to accept that well.. I am a boring kinda person.
maybe it's just today.
but for all these years.. during my birthdays.. I would smile and say thank you to all the presents and wishes.. but inside.. i dun even remember who wish me and what the hell did i get for my birthday. it was just never a special day for me.
hence i hate the trend of buying other people dinner when it is your birthday.
i even remember the last few years i was in uni, i would post a list of stuff i want on my birthday.. so that well.. friends wouldn't have to guess up right left down for a present that i want.
now that i m not staying around my friends no more.. there is no more need to do that... and i thought... well.. i can have some peace and quiet and sleep through my birthday. i even posted blushberry posts all on saturday so that i can sleep through my birthday in oblivion.
i hate how my life had became.
i used to covet for fine dining.. cuz i rarely go to them.. now i dun even bother to treat my fine dinings the way i should treat expensive food. i dun even finish my food.
they are not special anymore..
even presents.. books.. makeup.. accesories.. clothes.. i have had my share of presents.. they dun impact me anymore..
surprises.. kisses.. hugs.. romanticsm.. i had them all.. if i were to have them again. same person or not. its the same. which is why all i asked for is.. nothing.
parties... clubs.. i love being in the limelight.. I THOUGHT.
the fact is i hate it. i m awkward.. i dunno how to act.. how to draw proper attention to myself without looking like a fool..
the funny thing is.. sometimes.. through out all these years.. eventhough i felt like that.. some friends still make effort.. ALOT of effort to make me happy.. n i tried.. in order to please them n hopefully the happiness will be induced and I will be happy as well..
the fact is.. i can let go of anything.. anyone.. without feeling anything. sure i love my mac.. if i spoil it today i wouldn't cry. no.
even when my sugar gliders died..i din feel anything.
if i were to leave for another country.. i would just pack my bag and go. without a word.
nothing seems to mean anything to me.. nowadays.
i wish that i m more like vinn.. upbeat.. optimistic.. able to lift everybody's spirits up just by being around them.. going to a party and be the star for that night..
but i m not.. i do not know how to host a party with a smile.. maybe i do not know how today.
if i were to go to a night party.. i most probably will drink the night away on a stool... wishing.. there is someone out there as lonely as i am.. who share my woes.
this is exactly why. people like me cannot be happy.
now i feel the need to write a long disclaimer...
i m not ranting cuz nothing is gonna happen tomorro.. regardless of what today is.. or tomorow is.. or the next day.. i m just me.. i m not hinting for a big birthday bash or presents...
its been a long time since i walked into a shopping center and see produts that I can buy.. instead of products that i can buy to resell..
its been a long time since i tried making myself happy.. all i think is i must help him him her her .. do this that ..
which leads me to my 2009 resolutions.. which is impossible to think of.. unless i had my future planned with someone special in my mind..
but here goes.
1. be more healthy : have better skin, more hair, more sleep, n remove the growth next to my lips)
2. earn enough money to purchase a house/condo at the end of the year.
3. find my tsuruga ren
4. learn fashion design and do a mini collection
5. fix up all the tangles
sketched by Haze at 10:35 PM