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i cannot believe i missed so many classes!!!...

myeserday i overslpt
ody i set the wrong time to wake up. cuz my hp raphics card is spoilt. i can't see the top par of it..

is suX big time. i missed 3 classes already.

i lost something. bewteen me n her.i supposed i knew it was gonna happen.i supposed it was meant to be like this.

i kept my promise o Him. but i failed. in doing a good job out of it.he promised me a reward. but i dun think i want it anymore. sometimes i just hae to have faith. no onlyy in Him..but in myself.

is awful. n obvious ha they didn't care. i tot i found something. but i realized that i can never find anything. cuz i los it already/

i can see the look in his eyes las week.

everyhing is crushing down on me.

soon. soon.

n i m looking forward to it.


Christmas present from Alice

For Haze
A sculpture in the wood it is
When standing, capturing every subtle movement
transferred by the messenger named Wind.

An arrow on the meadow it is
When running, flying towards the targeted bulls-eye
placed in the blazing sun by the horizon.

A silver snowball under the moon it is.
When sleeping, curling its limbs sweetly.
in a dream of wonder and peace.

Crowds of gods and goddesses walking in Nature,
Even Venus doesn't recognize
Kindness and Beauty until she sees....

A pair of doe's eyes
holding haze.

hundreds come from everywhere Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand

Desperate, I push through the crowd

If I could touch your clothes I could feel your power

Come my way

Please look

And notice me

Just to release my pain

Just to know your name

Come my way

I'm out of touch

I'm out of reach

I've got the faith to believe

Am I out of touch or out of reach

What would it take for you to walk towards me

I'm out of touch, out of reach

But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe

come my way..

just a touch.



who needs help?

does those who cry needs help

does that means those who show no feelings. n do not cry do not need help.

does those who cry n cry when they worship love Him

does that means those who doesn't show anything doesn't love Him.

does those who keep complaining need help?

or does those who keep quiet doesn't need help.

does those who praywant their prayers to be answered?

then does those who doesn't pray doesn't want their prayers to be answered.

does those who spend their life worshipping God in every way they can love Him as much as those who doesn't worship.

sometimes people just dun show how they feel. its hard to show. when everyone is fighting to aim for creative expression.

those who keep silent. who don't tell .. who doesn't ask for anything need just as much as those who cry.. those who scream.. those who pray...

i do not need anything. there are people out there suffering n not telling. n i'll never know who they are. a simple person could be complicated inside. a complicated person could be simple. a simpleton who knows nothing but make a big deal out of everything.

but there are those who cry n scream.. cuz whether they keep silent. or whether they make a big deal out of it.. no one comes. no one helps. that is in frustration. n pain. anger.

so who need help most.

not me. arrrr.. not me. :}

all photoshopped. authentity of each photo varied

austrailia not. lrt in malaysia.
sunrise...heat rise..
famed china town. chee cheong kai
klcc. go up. look down.
klcc go in. go out.
i like the plants only.
child in me


theme song of blog
最好被重击而倒下 . 连自己的名字也记不来
这事我拖多一年久一年 贪图个爱你永远
對不起 我在為難著你

好好的 為何吵著說要離開

牽起手, 擂台上的迎候
要分手 先讓我努力把你愛個夠
Must break up.. but dun wan it to be now..
If you wanna go..then be strong enough to leave me.. better still.. make me fall with all the hurt u inflict on me..til I forget my own name.

Must break up.. after a year..gimme time again so that I can change to please you.. anything at all.. I m willin..

This break up.. I drag on.. I postpone year after year.. so that I can quench my desperate thirst to love you forever.

Sorry.. I m burdening you.. all these whileI had to use all my strength to love you…I see you are able to forget me..it made me love you.. n hate you at the same time

This time if I let you win n have your way.. just have it your way n bury me..
We were doing fine..why do you suddenly wanna leave..
Compared to black humour.. n its irony humour.. you are even harder to understand..

Holding your hands.. it means going to war on a wild stage..
Eventhough its painful.. I wont admit defeat..
I will lease my life n death situation to compete..
To hold out forever on to you.

If you wanna break up.. first let me use my all to love you until I say itS enough..
Ah.. the best is.. til the end

Running out of breath

german language pun.

1. Firemen need a gadget that is called Atemschuzgerat, breathing apparatus in German.

2. Once they have got one of the gadgets on their back, they turn into Atemschuzgeratetrager , carrier of breathin apparatus.

3. This makes them Atemschuzgeratetragertauglich, fit to carry a breathing apparatus.

4. They have to prove their fitness by undergoing a medical teSt called Atemschuzgeratetragertauglichkeitspufung, ' test of fitness to carry a breathing apparatus'.

5. once they pass it, they will be very glad to get an Atemschuzgeratetragertauglichkeitsbescheinigung, a certification of fitness to carry a breathing apparatus!


i feel so dead

wanna be alone

be invisible

study without anyone bugging me.
go shopping alone with a sour look

walk around with a sour look

wanna go out late at night. n dun come back.

wanna tell him. scold him. ask him.

since when is lying to ur children the right way to bring them up?
since when is their needs inferior to yours.
since when is progeniture still practised today?

couldnt' sleep yesterday..Talked with Him the whole night.. i promised Him a christmaS present i m not sure i could give. i m so small. will He really be there for me.

not that i want His company.

i always thought that those who follow Him are those who doesn't have a purpose in life.. thereforE they seek one. i have always have a purpose. a purpose i didn't question.

study hard. get rich

leave this family. make my own.

dun come back.

now. how can i leave. something that is crying silently for me to save.
but how could i savE either.

i losT all direction... i lost my grip of life.

i even lost all my friends. cuz i changed too much. n i m different from them now. i cannot be happy around them anymore. not like old times.

i cant turn back. my old life is not suitable.

yet i miss them. those happiness .. the happiness of not knowing anything or not following anything.

now i haVe to replan everything.

n i m lost.

i wanna be alone. from everybody. be silent. like i used to be. but they'll blame me. cuz they care. n they want to help.

i do not need anyone.

what i need is space.


stuck halfway between a door. leg on the other side. head on the other. heart in the center.

Shut up.




why ask

why ignore

WHy keep quiet

why run away.

give me.

take away.

leave me.

thats all i m in for.

both times.

the same.


u r right.



all that u cares. is that things goes ur way.

all that i wan. is that things goes my way.

that is why. i fail.

we fail.

u give.

u take.

i give

i take

but gifts are forgotten.

u will be forgotten

i will be forgotten.

all He cares.

all He wants

is that things goes His way.

not ours.

He gave us free will.

as consolation.

so that we can goagainst Him.. have things our way.

but we won't be blessed


all He wants.

is that we love Him all the way.

more than others.

if we love others more. He'll take them away.

all the way. n tell us something better is in store.

is that right?

Father knows best. but there's a reason why we don't let You choose our soulmates.



i may be right.



of cos i m.

always am

i accepted.

just wanna let out some gas now.

cuz i can't take it. can't take it.

cuz i dun want things to go my way. or your way. can't it be our way.

but if my way is not your way. it can never be our way.

no one understands. all they know is that i gotta go.

go get another one. find another.

i have feelings.


pls understand

dun question

i m not stubborn.

just tell me

but dun question.

i'll listen.

maybe i'll follow.

hate me

love me.

i may not change.

be this bad.

be this good.

i may change

be worse

be better.

could u pls stay any how.

my life is not for rent.

not temp.

but i guess it is.

cuz i never learn to buy. or rent.

so its temp.

pain's temp too. i'll forget.

but feelings come from heart. not from brain.

only brain forgets.

heart remains.


why do You come

why do you go.

why do You give. then take.

why do you give take then go. .

why do You see that i m perfect. but still change me with events.

why do you tell me i m good. but u leave for better. n tell me its not my fault.

of cos its not.

first time.

second time.

first not the last.

your first. not mine.

not mine.

mine is forgotten. still i feel. for that person. too different. can't. can't turn back. cannot care bout how i feel. thats teh way it goes.

second. not yet. not yet. i still feel. can't move on. can't stay. care bout what you want. care bout what You want. but i want what i want. thats y i m stuck halfway between a door. leg on the other side. head on the other. heart in the center.


Just a gentle whisper..told me that u’ve gone

Leaving only memories..where did we go wrong?

I couldn’t find the words then. So let me say them now.

I m still in love with you

Tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you care

Tell me that you need me n I’ll be there. I’ll be there waiting

I will always love you.

I will always stay true

Theres no one who loves you like I do

Come to me now

This I promise.

I will never leave you

I will stay here with you

Thru the good and bad I will stand true

I m in love with you

No we r here together ..yesterday has passed.

Life is just beginning close to you at last..

N I promise to you. I will always be there.

I give my all to you.

Living life without you is more than I can bear.

Hold me close forever ..

I’ll be there.. I’ll be there for you.

Hold me closer.. our love is forever. Holding
us together…

Nothing in this world can stop us now.

Love has found a way.

I m in love… I
m so in love….

I m so in love with you.

a close friend of mine just entered a long distance relationship.. talking to him brings back memories of my own...

though some things i could barely remember.. but i still can feel how it was talking ot him over the phone.. so painful.. yet so sweet.. n loving at the same time. time just flies.. they seemed to short for the conversation.

how sweet it was everytime i opened up my email inbox.. seeing his mail there. unopened. like a treasure chest with lots of secrets n stories inside.

n how i would think of nothing the whole day but his words... inside the email.. like a scroll only i could see as i go about my daily lives.. each movie he mentioned. each endearments.

..ah.. but i laugh too often at his jealousy.. n tantrums..thinking it was just a way of his affection fo rme. i didn't really know that he really really was upset. since it was quite trivial. for me.

i pushed aside temptations.. in my own world .. just to be with him.. guys... outings.. calls.. always he was first in my heart. .. cuz he was my first. though i was very reluctant to make him my last at first. i dunno since when i start wanting him to be my last.

he never really wanted to hurt me. always lying so that i wouldn't be hurt. but everytime he does that... ..i wanted him to know... if u could lie to keep me happy.. why can't u stop doing all those things that you had to cover with lies.
i rather he be honest. than to let me uncover the lies in the end. in photos. or by accident.

but how could i blame him. he didn't know.. how much i really loved him... n i supposed i didn't know how much he loved me.

in the end.. i couldn't take it. we were similiar in ways. but our differences...though little. they aggravate the situation.. he believed in forever love. though i didn't. but i adapted.
he believed in lying n covering up all the bad points he had. we had. i had. he would never say one bad word about me to his parents. or to his friends. he would lie for me.
but i m not like that. i m honest. i do not believe in living in lies.
he also isn't......................up to my standard. when it comes to ... conversing.. n..um.. understanding. he can never understand what i m hinting. not sensitive enough. not sincere enough. while i m always expecting him to understand... to get all my hints. to do something behind my back n surprise me.

it got so bad until i got upset at the slightest things.

its hard not to be tempted when there's another guy being so sweet n caring to you.. that respected you n dun lay hand on u.. but when u go back to ur room..ur bf is always mad at u..coward when it comes to owning up n making his own point heard.. n asking for nude pics.l

but i always wanted to give this relationship a second chance.. everytime i wanted to leave it. like he does.

i supposed now.. right now... our differences would have been greater.

we are always different from each other in some way.. if not now.. then later... we always change.. love can always put aside differences no matter what it is.. if it can't be put aside.. its not love..

oh well. i m content now. i hope he is. cuz i have forgiven him for everything already... ok.. maybe forgetting is more like it.

yeap. forgetting is always easier. a cowards way out. :D thats me.


do you love
or are you only in the habit of loving


what has happened to me.

this is not myself.

i have not been questioning myself. why. how. how come. i do not expect. i do not seek..

... why do i not search for the one. why do i always wait for them to come to me. why do i not be like others. n count the Xs n the Ys that i need for the equation of a boyfriend.

.. since when did i change into if-i-ask-for-too-much-those-less-perfect-won't-have-anyone-to love-them attitude.

since when did i stop goo goo ga ga over cute guys.
since when did i stop LOOKING.

no.. not jx...not him .. but further in the past.

yee chen.

i have stop asking. cuz he's all i ever wanted. n ..um.. sadly.. i m loser enough not to make effort to get to him. n when i failed. i knew i will never find another like him. so i stop asking. n expecting.

but thats years ago. if i were who i m now then.. i would never have even look at him.

since when did the right one didn't matter to me.

aiya. i dunno la. dun care. dun wanna care.

.. maybe thats y.

hehe. * scratch.. he...he..............................

then again.

since when i stop caring bout my future. since when i rushed into MMU thinking it would suit me.
since when i stop yearning to go abroad to study.

since when i stop planning bout my future. bout who i wanna be with.
bout what i wanna be.
bout how i m gonna get teh money since nothing is gonna go to me after my dad dies.

since when did i lose my mind.

since when did i rush into a relationship thinking he would suit me.

one thing i din rush. i din rush choosing Him.

at last.

one right thing i did correct.



i no longer see my family with hatred or despise. but with renewed spirit n strength to save them. the need just grows with every second.

..came back. .. somewhat relieved of certain restrains. been expecting myself to shun them off. but dunno y.. have some kinda strength to change things around here.

today. someone banged my father's car. they end up taking the day off. front n back of the car is rammed. police came.

.. n my sis came back from tuition. my dad locked her out of the house. cuz she ate her hand... it was so bad that hard skin grew.. n fresh pink blood-vesseled skin showed beneath new bites.

i went out to bring her in.. i told her..

bao.. you must go in .. tell sorry to daddy.. then daddy won't beat you..

wuu wuuuohh... dun wan... uhh ohwwwuu.... i scared.

daddy won't beat you one...

wuuuuuwuuuooh... i scared.. i scared...

daddy sad because you bite your hand... so u must go in.. n say ' i m sorry daddy.. i won't bite my hand anymore'... then daddy won't beat you..

wuuuooohh.... uuuhh..

daddy won't beat you wan.. he will hug you when you say sorry.

wuuooohh oohh... i dun wan daddy to hug me.


my dad who is listening inside boiled up n snapped at her... GET IN!!

.... haih.

i had a marvellous week at pd... which is TOO eventful for update's sake.

i went to esplosion camp II..

lots of changes.

i played lots of things too.

i went jet ski-ing... it was marvellous.. amazing. especially when he kept screaming behind me telling me to slow down............wahahahahaha...

i played diablo II with him... n i m stuck with it.

i replayed final fantasy VII. so that when the movie comes out i will know what is going on.

i played piano everyday . EVERYDAY. n i m happy.

i didn't do anything to deserve such happiness. to suddenly deserve another family that cares. another mother n father. n 2 brothers.

i didn't do anything to deserve all the new friends i met in camp.

i learnt alot during camp. alot. n i changed alot too.

i had many new friends that i dun wanna lose contact with.

i m grateful. n thankful. that He would provide me thus.

i m finally complete.

though i know it wouldn't last. nothing does. but i m satisfied n content while it lasts.

i read alot of books too.

n i also went ice skating. n got two long bruise from someone's blade... hurts...

but its fun. i find it weird. i can never get tired of ice skating. physically or emotionally. maybe i should go professional?

n i m happy. very happy. though it wouldn't last. but i m happy bout that too.

my sister is always with me. n i m happy bout that too.
i m happy about everything. except for one.

n i dun suppose i can ever be in my life. i can never rest until i find out who that man is.



what blogs do u like??

cute little blogs that only n will only rant about daily happenings?? with a cutesy voice...teehee... lalalala.... n of cos... a prettee face..:p like this..??

or gothic like blogs that hate everything n everyone thats normal..n pride themselves with their equisite taste of death n gross. one word-freak.but special to read

..hmm...or never seen before blogs that dealt with unacceptable but interesting happenings. like...rape. or death. or family disowning their child...or gay. or fucking positions..like this cute lil pacifier sucking guy here..mmm..i m hungry. kiss me..

or... sacarstic ... full blown to the head, selfish..self centred..everyone's ugly but her...yet. ...voted Most Read n Popular Blog in the singapore because she has a happening life n a bad mouth. n..
not to mention... a hello kitty vibrator. :D see it here.

...or..hmm.. a too good to be true daily happenings fucked up with sweet words that will fool not even girls.nor guys. get real.

...ah. i can't leave out depressed blogs. blogs that are usually private. cuz they r full of cussing n wanking n murdering other blogs n other people in their life..
heh... no links.

n of cos....photologs. pictures tat depict a thousand words. but still. devoid of text cuz apparently the blogger has no time or no wit. but ah. there r those who can BOTH TYPE n POSE. :D

..or .. of cos..the regular joke blog

...not to mention cute guys. ... 2 of them. wao.. double serving!! ..packed with alcoholic nights. cute gurls pic. n humour to match. drool here*

now now..... calm down.. cute girls are not all lost here. cute. photographer. also packed with alcoholic nights. cute guys. n humour to match. drool here*

n the smart ones. of cos..smart can be boring. but this is short. n sharp. enlighten urself.

but the beatiful ones. are everywhere. make yours beautiful here... compatible with xanga, movable type n blogger..

or do u only read those whom authors u know personally..
ok. if i put links. it will be a long day for u n me.



get all of them...all those written above...HERE

ah... i see u haven't click. perhaps u r smart. cuz that links back to this noisy page.
just pulling ur leg.

have a thought. what sort of a blogger are u.


to celebrate this blog's new skin... n to celebrate my taking up of piano again..well..not much to celebrate cuz i missed my dance practice for the umpteenth time..... :< i have arranged a midi...


i composed a song.. in midi..well..not composed.. arrange la.. sun yan zi's tian hei hei....click to hear..i like the piano parts so much...sigh.hehe




Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now :-
~chinese songs
~my eyes hurts
~lies n excuses not to go home


Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:-
~chicken rice
~fried chicken
~gift for auds
~Monsoon by Wilbur Smith for him

Name the Four things You Wish To Have :-
~specs. someone took mine
~Wilbur Smiths n more Wilbur Smiths
~currently craving for Yan-Zi Piano collection no 1.

Last person chatted online with?

Last Time You Cried?
~this morning when i yawn........wat???!!

What's Under Your Bed
~sometimes things drop. n i dun wan to know wat drops. n wat stays. n wat comes.

Current Clothes
~towel only. gonna bathe soon.

.Current Desktop Picture:
~final fantasy VII : advent children

Current Screen Saver:
~tarepanda rolling about...:D

Current Worry
~none. i m content

Current Hate
~those who rejected my scholarship letters

Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite
~used to be moustache.......now it is ass. n the small of the back. kwahahahaha.. the bigger the arse the better..lia hahahahaha

Favourite Place To Be

Least Favorite Place

Favorite Color(s)

Do You Believe In An Afterlife ?
~does this include undead??... :read terry prachett.

Current Favorite Word/Saying?
~murderous landlubber swine of rat piss n mother's sour milk...just kidding. ar...... wat bout. fat ass. hah.

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could be?
~none. cuz i m better than them. hmph

favourite Days?
~my last ones with him

Favorite Bike?
~i prefer to swim

Favourite Cartoon Character?
~jack-jack from incredibles

Favourite Food
~everything. including human flesh.

Current favourite song
~tian hei hei by sun yan zi

What do you like to do most?
~sleep. or... sleep. or music.

Do you like to eat fish or chicken?
~both are white. i prefer red meat. goats!!! cows!!!!

Do you like to complete your homework in skool or at home?
~neither. my home is my school. vice versa

Do you skip skool often
~u learn in a school call life. if u skip them u r dead. same if ur school has a proper name

What are you doing now?
~exploiting my roomate's computer. downloading songs. to burn into a cd. waiting for him to come back. trying to drag myself to bathe


我不要 將你多綁住一秒

我也知道 天空多美妙

請你 替我瞧一瞧

I don’t want to keep you tied up for a second more.

I also know how beautiful the sky is.

Please, watch after me.






The kite in the sky…where did it go?

In the blink of an eye,

it is nowhere to be seen.

Who cut its string?

Do you know?






The us of the past…where did it go?

The road is too far,

I have forgotten.

If you want to fly I understand.

You being free is also fine.


站在山上的我大聲叫 喔




Seeing you break through the clouds, flying very high,

standing on top of the mountain, I loudly shout, whoa-oh-oh.

Maybe you won’t hear me.

Find your dreams.

Have a better time (life).

我不要 愛情的低潮





你會知道 我沒有走掉

回憶 飛進風裡了

I don’t want love’s low tide (depression).

I will smile;

Tears are not allowed to fall.

I am fine;

The new you, are you well?

You will know I have not walked away.

Reminiscence (memories) has flown into the wind.


The kite in the sky…where did it go?






She can kill with a smile
she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
n she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child

but she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth…but she'll never believe
n she'll take what you give her as long it's free
Yea! She steals like a thief..!

but she's always a woman to me

Oh! she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
she's ahead of her time
Ohh! n she never gives out
n she never gives in

she just changes her mind

n she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself cuz she's always a woman to me

She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
n she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
n the most she will do is throw shadows at you,

But she's always a woman to me

dedicated to him..thank u for seeing the woman in me...:D


new cg. :D

oh yea babe. i redownloaded painter 7. soft n silky hair babe!

squaresoft's upcoming 3d movie. cool huh.
the storyline continues from the game itself. thats cloud. more cgs of the movie coming up. n expect a new layout for my portfolio . :D
man.. i M in a good mood.
muah. muah.

i m amazed

woke up too late for a haircut.. suddenly have a intuition to bring my sis for a movie.. incredibles.

was 2.30 already. bathed.she changed. took a cab there.. bought the tickets it was at 5..

we had like one hour free.. brought her to the arcade.. she played around... got like 11 tickets... a guy was like snooping around us... ok.. maybe i shouldn't wear that leather skirt...........but hey! i wore the long one????

we were checking out the redemption counter... wat can 11 tickets get... nothing.



suddenly mr snoopy... came up to us.. offered her a wad of tickets.


n we took it.

n i was so shocked i forgot to tell her to thank him.

ok...............maybe leather skirt is tickets friendly.


well.. she got a pink butterfly sharpener anyway..

later.. was bringing her to my old workplace.. hey the whole place is revamped!! totally cool.. sammi was there... check her out.. while my sis ran around.. suddenly she wanna go toilet.

n she rushed out of the shop. WHY ARE ALL KIDS superboosted with speed??

then after toilet.. guess who i saw.

christopher chung. ....

chung or chong?

wats his name already??? he's from my high school.. always with that annoyed look on his face.. he had a girl with him........... n he smiled to me..though it looked annoyed to me..........

'hi!!" .. someone cheerily said....


it was me.

since when did i have the guts to talk to people like .. like them??

since when do i have the confidence to even smile at them. n i gave him a really bright smile.

wa!! big change there gurl..

n he actually hi back.

............ok..........maybe high school nightmare was all my imagination all along.


feeling great.

then i bring her to do this... um.. plastic painting thingie...


a story only the Longs will experience

this morning i woke up 3 times.

i woke up at 9am

i woke up at 12 pm

the last time i woke up was 5 pm. which was when i go downstairs.

there was a char siew pau and a sandwich on the table. n my sister was there. i reached for the pau.. it was hard... cold. so i take the sandwich instead.

my sis said ' cut it into half ..no you must cut it into half'


i just bite into it... she started howling. non stop.

crying. wailing. shouting yelling. howling non stop.

my maid came into the scene.

'nor... u makan jeh jeh punya pau, jeh jeh maken u punya bread lor...'


8 hours ago....

she held 2 paus. to my room. knocked on the door.. ask me to wake up n eat... i shooed her away. she went downstairs.. n eat one of my paus.

now she is crying non stop. becauSe i ate hers.. i offered it back to her..

'i dunw an ur saliva.....'

she cried for a full half n hour.....

when i played mario super bros... she laughed almost immediately.

is this cute.....or is this annoying......





this is the most DEMENTED stuff i have ever seen. got it from audrey's blog. barry's sister. not the one from mmu.......
check it out.. be prepared. for demented things





zen birthday - 18 july



a tiring day... went to C U THERE cafe.... cool..only 3 of us there.... then to klcc... .. then watched the grudge. I HATE HORROR movies..

too scary..... then went to mydina.... for food.. cuz the shopping complex is too packed with people.... hari raya... sorry.. i ddint' know..:D

it was cool... get to see them..... photos.

in mydina... looking at the frigging bill thats like so expensive.... yes.. the place we ate the ice kacang coralweed something....

oh during the grudge.. both of us were so afraid that our heads started its way for each other in comfort... we always snuggled together when we are afraid..but alas!!!! our head knocked!! cuz we were moving too fast too scared at teh same time.!... remembering the moment.ouch!!

kakako=ghost of CHU-ON ..oink.

lovely..lovely shadow..... swoon.....**heart melt..

ahem. praise me. !:D

Delta Goodrem's manager cum producer cum singer?? cum advertiser.

all in a day's walk of high heels...........yawn... snuggles..


i dun give a damn what u put in ur god damned blog.

dun hint to me when u have lied to me from the start that it is not my heart u wanted.

could be my cunt, but i supposed it wasn't satisfying enough for u.

could be u just wanna hurt someone.

yea. u two timed me all these while. 2 years. when i was with u. u were with that bitch. even spreaded nude photos in my school.

still i stayEd with u.

did ur forsaken assignments.

fuck it.

every fucking time we meet, u ignored me one month after that.

i worked 2 months for u. gave 100 to my paretns. n 700 bucks on that watch u dun even wear.

i rejected working in ASTRO for u. n wat happened in the end.?? i rejected for nothing!!! cuz u din even come here.

u fucked up asshole! u think that i m egoistic.. n u think that u r always right. do u have any idea how fucked up ur psychotic mind is????

i m a free woman until i meet u! u n ur marriage brain washing 'i'll-die-for-you and you-are-the-right-one-eventhough-you-are-not' bullshit. until i m so fucking stuck with u even though there were so many sweet asses i wanna suck out there turned to be sour cuz i m afraid u will fucking leave me!

u n ur jealous mind. haven't u heard??? love isn't jealous!!!!
u won't even let me talk to guys!!!!!! nto even look at them!!!

u n ur psychotic mind. how FUCKING dare YOU FANTASIZE me GETTING RAPED!! gang raped!!

how dare you tell me that i m wrong just because i m a fuckign chick!!??? n i supposed this blog entry is wrong because i m supposed to be dutiful n trust u all the way!!??? eventhough u r the one that fucked around with me firsdt/????

test me with all ur fucking friends. yea. FUCK YOU. FUCK THEM. HOW THE FUCKING HELL WOULD I KNOW I M NOT SUPPOSED TO EVEN TALK TO THEM??? i did fuckign tell them i love u!!!!!!.. but did u care????

that i couldn't go on with another guy that i have loved so much because i have become as fucked up n as jealous n as possessive as you!!??? do u fuckign know how much i had to change ??? do u KNOW how SPOILT I M???? do u FUCKING KNOW THAT the one i love now is feeling so fucked up because of the way u made me????

FUCK YOU. dun make me do the one thing i could do.

n YOU!. dun EVEN THINK OF SPOILING MY REPUTATION IN MMU!.. cuz it won't work no more. u have prepared me to face abuse. verbal or reputation abuse. n i SWEAR ON HER HONEY ASS THAT IF U DO, i will kill you.


why did u lie to me??its just dance lessons! for God's sake, why did u lie??

i m sorry.. i was so upset. because.because now. here i m. with such a beautiful wife like you, i m happy. n i m upset n disgraced. disgraced that i wanted something to make myself happier. i mean.. i mean i m sorry i even wanted something happier when i m already so happy. n i can't tell u, i don't even know how to face you. so i hid it from u.


everybody.. go watch 'shall we dance' its good. eventhough i watch a pirated downloaded version. with people laughing. bad sound quality n all. it got me crying n all..

we all know it shouldnt happen

we all know it shouldn't. bush should be gone. n US is apologizing for it.


pictures day

ok..COMPLETE process of my failed photo realism.






ok..more pictures..:D


this years love had better last...heaven knows its high time..
n i been waiting on my own... too...long..

but when u hold me like u do.. it feels so right.. i start to forget...how my heart gets torn... when that hurt gets thrown.. feeling like u can't go on...

turning circles..when time again.. it cuts like a knife..
if u love me... gotta know for sure...cuz it takes something more this time.. than sweet..sweet lies...before i open up my arms n fall..losing all control..every dream inside my soul.. n when u kiss me on that midnight street ..sweep me off my feet..singing ant this life so sweet..

this year's love had better last..

so whose to worry if our hearts.. get torn..
when that hurt gets thrown.. dun u know this life goes on.. n won't u kiss me on that midnight street.. sweep me off my feet.. singing ain't this life so sweet..

this year's love had better last.......cuz it ain't everyday i meet someone like u..


i m sorry... so sorry... didn't know.. that u felt so much.. that ur pain is more than mine... that u thought of this more often than i do... cried over these more often than i do...

feeling mroe n more ridiculous by the minute. since u feel so much... n i do too. still we have to part.. though its inevitable..but does it have to be so soon....

i didn't wanna care anymore.. dun wanna care.. just leave it to Him to either end this.. or somehow make it better....

since we marry n we divorce..marry n divorce again.. do we really have the initial need to get married in the first place?

yes.. we do.. we do cuz.. since theres only One of u n one of me in this world. n others don't really see us... we need someone in our life..to notice us.. so that our happenings everyday... doesn't go unnoticed... to witness our life... so that it doesn't go unnotice even when we die..
that someone... we had to choose... out of a billion to do so.. n it isn't easy being chosen. we had to care about the other's happy happenings... sad ones.. even mundane ones..every day.. every damn moment in our lives.

.....to catch a man is an art...to hold him is a job.

shouldn't have doubted u in the first place.. thinking that u didn't care.. when u do.. so much.
i m gonna miss u.. so badly..


my reputation do not matter..
my studies don't too
my future doesn't..as long as it has u.
my family n everything else is below u.

but your God is above me. n i had learnt to accept n make it the same for me as well

u seemed to want so much. did so much. said so much. now it doesn't make sense

"please love me.. " thats wat u put in ur card.

4 months ago.

now things have changed.

ur freedom is above me. wat bout my freedom?

i wanna eat whenever i wanaeat/.. sleep at the correct time. not at ur time.
study when i come back. research. get myself to the top. be the best. look good.

i gave them all up. all of them didn't even matter.

is ok... guys want freedom. i understand. i accept...

then there was her.

no matter how people ask u.. u stayed glued to the chair next to her during the game. n i dunno y u pretended not to understand when i asked u these.

i have temptations too. its not hard 2 timing someone. but unlike u... the one i thinkof everynight is not them. its u.

so nowi m below another person. regardless of wat i have done..n gave

..but its alright. its ok. as long as u rstill here.

u needed me so much. how could i leave. but thats not y i stayed.
i helped u all i could. lost sleep n beauty. but its ok. as long as u r with me.

then i realize i should leave. i should

n i make sure we part whenever we both felt the same bout leaving each other.

n then i found out. the time came. it was yesterday.u plotted the same thing i plotted.

i thought i'll feel relieved... because i won't be the one to walk away.
but then i realize i m not happy about it at all. not one bit.
n i dun wanna part. not in a months time.

u did not realize.

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that’s by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that’s there to hold?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I’ll be there for you (there for you)
I promise

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

And I promise (and I promise)
I promise (oh I promise you)
I will be there when you call me (when you call me)
I promise (I promise)
I promise I will

it was playing. n i remembered when u givien up.. n i was singingalong to this to u. trying to do as it says. trying to make u strong.

n i know in the time to come. i will never be there anymore. n u won't be there either. i won't let u rub away my tears. like i didn't make a sound when they fall yesterday. i didn't want u to see. how much u mean to me.

maybe its good this way. i have always consoled myself. so that i'll love u more everyday. n appreciate u.. n never take u for granted. because umight leave anyday. maybe today. maybe now.

security is important to me. eternity too. they are important to girls. to us.

.. but i pushed them aside to be with u. just like u pushed God aside to be with me.

i m so mad. n angry. why. did u ask to 'please love me' n now that i do, u r gonna reject it. i know. because then u had loved me. n now u don't.
i m also so fucked up. y n how u could still be with me ..smiling. pretending u care. pretending u r mine. when u are everybody elses... when u already planned to leave.. y start things when on the first day itself, u know u will end it soon. wats the point.

will i ask u to understand me. i won't. cuz i don't understand u either. i won't.

we are wrong for each other. we will fuck each other up. n destroy each other. i knew too. i knew n was reminded everyday about it when i see u doing funny stuffs that i still do not like.

but do u know. though i hate the way u are. but when i look into ur eyes. the feeling's still there.
n do u know. that ur eyes says that u feel nothing. right from the first day itself.

how do i pretend i m urs. how do i still let u hold me. n kiss me when i know u r not mine .. n u will not plan to be. n u are already leaving. how.

i m not like u. i can't hold people that i don't love. i can't tell people that i love them when i don't. n i know those rare times that u do tell me it isn't true. dun make it a point to make me happy. i won't be.

cuz haze as i m, i m not stupid .. i do see things ur way.

dun try to be with me. or console me. or sacrifice more. one day i'll learn not to put anything about u in my blog. n u won't know. no one will.

i know u can be happy wherever u go. as long as u dun see my face.. that says everything eventhough my mouth's closed.

i have learnt to smile when u hurt me. so that u'll continue talking. so that i'll know the truth.
i have also elarnt to cry without telling you. so that u'll continue talking.. so that the pain's mine. not urs.

i have also plan. to leave. to disappear. cuz u dun understand. that it hurts ...just liek the way it hurts when ur pig face has the speakers u love. n u wanted it. n u get kjealous. .
only its much worse.

u ran away .. nows my turn.

yesterday is a promise that u have broken

this is ur life. n today is all u have got now...

n today is all u'll ever have

this is ur life... r u who u wanna be..

this is ur life.. izzit everything u dreamt that it would be.

yesterday is dead n over

drown urself in games.. n sleep. n God... before i drown both of us to hell just because i love u more than Him.





yesterday is a wrinkle on ur forehead.. yesterday is a promise that u have broken
dun close ur eyes.. dun close ur eyes..
this is ur life. n today is all u have got now...
n today is all u'll ever have
dun close ur eyes
dun close ur eyes..

this is ur life... ARE YOU who u wanna be???
this is ur life.. izzit everything u dreamt that it would be.
when the world was younger and u had everything to lose...

yesterday is a kid in the corner..yesterday is dead n over

work in progress

zis is the original pic......i m doing photo zealism

zis is mi current stop. so ye get the idea. i m flunking. shiver me booties. yawn.


random thoughts
i hate it when i m forced to eat.
forCed to shit
.. hate it when i have good results. n teachers dun care u dun care. no one does
hate it when i did somuch shit n n u dun care. dun even give a damn . n forgets it as soon as u sink ur self into games or girls.

hate it when i tell lies to u. just because i felt i should damaGe u teh way u damage me. n then realized no. its not like that. i m shit. n there i m.
hate it when i felt jealous.. cuz i m not supposed to feel that way. or else u won't tell me shit no more.
hate it when u go out late at night carouseling with man twice ur age..cuz i dun feel like doing the same. hate it. why can't i be like u?
hate Why can't i get wat i want. who i want. when u get everything u want.

hate it when u can't see. u just can't. see. but voila. u seem to see so much in others. so much.
hate it when i hate myself. n u hate it too. making me hate me more.

hate it when things u said i have to listen. n things i said r pushed aside.
hate the fact u always usE my fork n spoon n never washes them.
hate me for being me. being so selfish n being so ridiculous. especially now.
hate u for being u . being so angelic n lovable.. til i can't find way to hate u

hate u for sucking things up. making me can't sleep. making me look worse. dragging me down with u.
hate u for always talking. busybody
hate me for thiknking like this bitch that i m. n hate the fact that everybody willhate me for this. hate u for hating me cuz i m bad.

y wont' no one understand. when u ask for nude pics. nude shit. movies. tell me do dirty shit. treat me Dirty. two time me. i still stay with u cuz i dun hate u cuz u r bad. i love u when u r good. when u hit me. punch me. slap me. disgrace me. make me fear u i still will never fight back. verbally or physically.
hate You for misleading me. for telling me stupid shit that make me go down instead of up. for forsaking me at the wrong time n coming back at the time when he needed u most. but will You come back when i needed u most???can't You hear my thoughts?

but will i hate u.. will i hate You.. will i hate you... will i hate you ... no i won't. but i will hate me. n me alone.

n i know u will hate me. cuz i come from this forsaken family. n everything i do seemed to be a result of this forsaken family. i m a broken child. n u will not mend me. u will not. cuz u r the one that break me. u r the one that break me.

y r u so easily affected? influenced by the slightest beauty? by the slightest shake? why r u so easily shaken by me? by the pain n sufferings n the past in me? y r u so easily attracted to things that are perfect? to people that are simpler n happier? is it not I who needed u most?

hate it when u cAll me pretending to care. but actually u care for the one u love. n u expect me to care n do something on ur behalf.
hate it when u call. giving me pressuRe. expecting me to be there. when i cannot. when i hve a family back home that needed me more. hate it when u bring ur bf home. n make me say how handsome he is. hate it when u sitll wanna call other guys n flirt around. without letting him know. y be with him in the first place if u r planning to leave??

n you. hate it when everytime ur fucking daughter or son gets sick u blame me for it. hell u even blame my laptop for it. i hate you for not standing up for me. for bringing me out to sushi king n eating more than 500 per meal n coming back home telling her we ate 15 bucks macdonald.

hate u for buying me so many things. discman. piano. laptop. books. n have to go home n tell her that i paid half for them. hate u for smoking outside the house.because she dun likes it. n letting me face the consequences in the end.

hate u for having the guts to beat me n my sister up.. but no guts for standing up for us in front of her. no guts in telling her how good we are.

hate you for praising me n pretending i m the best when i m not. hate u for saying that driving merc benz to pasar is cool n cun. hate u for saying that one wrong smsm from ur dad might cost him 20 million of business.

hate u for always forcing me. to go places i dun wanna go. hate u for brainwashing me. for making me sing songs i dun mean. hate u for making me accept things i dun even see that its there.

hate me for being so honest all the time. telling u wat i hate. do u not know what i hate.
buT will i know what u hate? do u not feel this guilt u r feeling right noW> or angEr.. n will i feel the same.
yes i will. n i do care. buT still i hate it.

still i hate it.

hate doing work that means so much to me. yet can fail over n over. hate doing work for You...but dun have the talent to do it properly.

hate shit bout university. n the fact that i must look out for others. n let others look out for me. hate shit bout me giving wrong impression during orientation which i must follow up right noW. i m not sweet. nor m i stupid. n polite.
i m rude. loud. tomboyish. i pick my nose n i fart . n i want to hang out with people who are quiet n lead silently. not with people who r popular n dun do work but do other stuffs that makes them unfocused.

hate everything. .. eveRything. but will i cry alone. no i will not. i will not suffer alone again. no .

wanna be a robot

fEd up

y do i say things that i do not mean. that isn't the truth .

y i alaways make things so difficult


if u come here.. u'll find me.. i promise....


i'll always be reaching out to u.. though i always deny this myself...

will always wait for u,...

will u find me? n when u do.. will u lose me or throw me away again?

wats painful is not the fact that u cant feel...but the fact that nothing i do gets acknowledged... r u ashamed of me? or embarrassed? sometimes i see that u r... sometimes it shows... it really shows. wat m i to u.

i m so tired..... i just feel like slipping away quietly... without saying anything....

Matthew 10:32-33 Jesus says, "Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before my Father who is in heaven."

if jesus is holy. n he denies u if u denies him. y shouldn't i do the same?


need sleep..........need rest... need food. need You.

finally found the key....... wanted to use it.. but suddenly it din fall apart this time. is it a sign? or another mislead..

love the way u hold me...but when will u stop creaking........ n when will i not die when u fall down on me.

might be the same for me... i might be falling... already have.. but since u stayed when u fall. so i stay when i fell.

n its not so bad.... its not bad at all

sometimes i can't breathe.. sometimes too much air.. like in the water. oxygen will run out.. then where will i be....... where will i be..

i couldn't be bothered looking for others. too much trouble..too much time. never did look for one..dun wan to... too much of a bother. somehow i can settle 'easily' with any that comes my way...................

... i wish u r here... when will u be here.. when........ how could i not mean something.


the world has no meaning at all if it is not us who fill it with meaning

ever heard about the quantum theory?

quantum..= defined as something that doesn't have an outcome.

a cat is placed inside a sophisticated cage. a living cat. then poison is put in. only that... we, humans doesn't have a say where the poison would be. it is the cage that is designed to randomly place the poison.

so the death of the cat is all on the catitself.

n the live of the cat is all up to it too.

death 50.50.

life. 50.50


no out come. but the theory of this experiment is that the world is how we view it to be

n if we don't understand Self, we dont understand world.

U are not half the Self u r when u r with me. but u may be Half the Self u r when u r alone. ..

because ur thoughts u THINK is made out of words. so it is made out of words.

but words, are something that WE humanS created, which is imperfect like us. so how can our thoughts be our Self when it is made out of woRds.

so if u understand ur Self, u will understand the world.

...so ultimately.dun tell me u r like this like this n like that. cuz u dun understand ur Self. n because of that. u WON"T understand the world.



my love.. u r my destiny..for all times..so faithfully.
to u.. i give my heart to thee..so once again.. i live in love
n so i call this song love.. sent from this heart n sky above.
to only u..this song.. i sing...this melody of love.for u.the dove

i m ..an open book for u.. inside these words i leave a clue..
the sun will fade n start again..like our love.theres no end.


y in the world must all of them be so violent!.

just because of phone calls...he wanna KILL someone. just to make me regret for life..

wat the fuck.

he want me to regret for life.

what bout me?? when i want him to regret for life. i kill myself. to fuck him up. telling him that YEA, u screwed up big time trying to raise a kid. u abused her. verbally emotionally n physically. so live in remorse.

now. just because of phone calls. he wanna kill someone to make me regret for life. as if he will do it. yea. u told me u'll be understanding. but r u. when i confide in u. u throw it back at me so hard that i dun dare talk to u anymore.

u ask for my blog's address. wanted to give u. yea. but u'll disown me if i do.

i cannot have feelings. nor can i have a life. i thought ok.. maybe i can satisfy u with my excellence in studies. but no. not a praise from u.

why r u so...u...mm... uncivilized!?? today's 22 august 2004....not 1964!

why do i blame everything on him!.. did i think that i m correct. no.. i m not. but even so can't u forgive me??? i learnt to forgive u.. but u???


A Silent Love
From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"

As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.

The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......

The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.

During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....

The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.

When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.


i came i saw thought i conquered. but i lost.

its only natural..very natural to be attracted to the one who smiles.. n do good.
n be repelled by those who sulk. .. n do bad.

sorry Zen.. have to break my promise.

everything's laid out. against me. Do i still go against everything. just to get wat i want.

no. i wont'. not this time. gonna work with the wind this time.. i'll make things easier for u.. i swear.

suddenly.. i hear some music...that made me cry. i realized...its my own music.. that i played a long while ago. so pathetic that i even pity myself huh.


i m sorry i can't be as generous.. as forgiving... n as supporting as u want.

sorry i m depressed always at the wrong time.. happy at the wrong time. wanting u the wrong time.. n letting go at the wrong time.

i won't be happy. i won't smile. but i won't cry either. neither will i beg.

won't write bout how i feel anymore. cuz i dun care how i feel. doesn't matter.

won't turn to You again.. cuz i dun care whats gonna happen when i live. why should i care what happen when i die.

won't let u hold me anymore. cuz theres only one reason y u still wanna hold me. n i m all to be blameD for making that reason happen.

just go.



some love too deep ....n were caught in it. n never could get out.. he was one of them..
some love too deep.. but felt unworthy of love.. so she ran away.
~Original Sin

what m i to think..that u could live in my world. of dirt n lies.
what m i to think.. that i could live in ur world.. of the Holy n the pure.

no matter how i pretend.. how i wanna fit in.. nothing good will come out of it. but if i stay long enough..a miracle would happen.. they always do. He always reward those with patience dun He.. wat bout those that sin..

if i had stolen.. kill n rape before.. n i tell u so.. but i tell u also that my mother is dead.. i was sexually abused.. n i was exploited by my own family.. could u find room to punish me?

so now if i tell u i m not wat i seemed to be..i did things that i have not forgiven myself.. but i tell u also that i have changed.. n that my feelings for u is real.. would u leave..

.. if i tell u that i have done more wrong than i should.. i did things that i dun care whether i should repent.. but i tell u that i really want u to be my friend.. would u still hug me when i needed u?

this is not a love story..
this is a story about love..
~Original sin

if today u know me as haze... i know u would love me... but tomoro if u know me as yen... would u love me?.. a love story has only 2 personas in them...they are always kind.. gentle .. their personality won't change..
while a story bout love.. has love.. between 2 souls.. souls change... they do.. i do.

would u love yen....?...

... .would u have believed me if i tell u i multilated part of my face.. would u..

i feel good.. writing it all out.. for people to see n console me.. but would u still come to me if i tell u that all that has happened to me before.. in the past.. NOW.. n the future doesn't matters to me. even what i m writing now.. as if they really matters.. as if i really care. as if i m being honest.

thats wat i m.. do i repel u now?..

wat matters to me now.. no.. not grades..not money... not career.. not u. not me.. not everybody... not Him.. nothing matters.

make it matter... please make everything matter to me.. back again.. i have lost my feelings once more... tears are dropping.. but i m not feeling painful... felt sadistic.

no..not because of u..not because of wat i did.. or wat u did.. even if it didn't happened... i would still be like this...its just the season.. not only u changes accordingly.. i do too.. n i have a feeling its worse..
cuz honestly.. i miss being alone.. miss being independant n miss looking annoyed n cool.

nothing interests me..

but i won't shut u out.. no.. cuz u r my friend.. when i needed u..u were there to hug me..n to remind me that there is someone there by my side... now i dun need u.. i'lls till be there.. not cuz i care.. but because u r important to me.. very important...

won't shut u out too.. of cos not.. no Y light zone... at least not in front of u... can't do that to u... won't.
pardon my stage act these coming days... blog's the only place i can write.. n i will write even if no one sees.. even if everybody sees.
even sometimes on the stage laughter can be real... n tears can be real..

if there were no tears.. no way to feel inside.. i still feel for u..


Calmi couri Appassionati

i do not understand.. why they have to hide.. all they are feeling inside.. n just keep quiet while i do wrong.. can''t they just tell me...do i not deserve at least a word..of consolation? or explanation?

i know i m not good enough.. but i will try... i'll try to be good..n be better.. cuz i know i can be better..but why didn't they gimme a chance? y always when i get fed up only they start to show signs..signs that i should have done more

wat m i talking about... nothing to do with any that has happened

can the freaking nightmares stop coming?

feel so sick.. wanna be alone from everyone... dun wanna care bout anyone.. like in the past.. do watever i wanna do.. duncare shit bout what others can't do.. n the fact that they need help... go eat whenever i wanted to ....instead of waiting for people.. n tagging along n wasting my time.. wanna read those books i wanna read... n wanna play piano when i reach home..not on the laptop..n waste my time chatting away with people that i dun really care about but i had to pretend i care cuz thats wat i should do.

feel so bad... can't have bad thoughts.. cant do bad things.. controlled in every single way i can be controlled.. wanna be free once more...

n do i love? have i loved??

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, And your voice caught within your chest?

It isn't Love, it's Like.
no they are not.. guess i dun like u....

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?

It isn't Love, it's Lust.
ok fine. lust then.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?

It isn't Love, it's Luck.
no.. guess its not luck..never was luck

Do you want them because you know they're there?

It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.
ok..guess i m lonely..just lonely..

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?

It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.
no... of cos not... of cos not..wat bout u?

Do you stay for their confessions of Love, because you don't want to hurt them?

It isn't Love, it's Pity.
i'll think bout this if it is real...if confessions of love exists...but wat bout u?? u pity me?

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?

It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.
do i feel more confident with u holding my hand?.. yes i do.. but do i feel less confident when u don't? no i don't.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?

It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.
if my heart skipped one beat..i'll be dead already.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?

It isn't Love, it's Friendship.
who says lovers can't be friends?....they can? can they??

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?

It isn't Love, it's a Lie.
only that its the truth..... ok..most of the time..97% of the time..that is.. but still..

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?

It isn't Love, it's Charity.
of cos.. then its charity?? ..

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?

Then it's Love.
not really... not really.. dun even know if i care..

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?

Then it's Love.
yes..of cos i stay... without regret. but u? wat bout u..

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?

Then it's Love.
yes of cos... learnt to love them even more then ur positive side.. but still..why do i feel like theres something missing..

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?

Then it's Love.
no i don't.. but when they cry.. i cry too.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?

Then it's Love.
yes it hurts... never stop hurting.

But do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you?

Then it's Love.
i told u that love's painful..n happy.. now do u believe me? no pain..no gain... i m suffocating in my own pain n my own happiness.. yet can i call it love?

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?

Then it's Love.
heart stolen. life given... death not taken yet.

....do love only exist when love is given AND taken?
if u r the one for me.. arent u supposed to feel the same?
if i m the one for u.. aren't i supposedly flawless to u?
if love's so complicated..could it be i dun love u.. n u actually love me?
if i love u... n u love me back.. why m i not feeling that incredibly high feeling of happiness?
so does that means u don't love me back? or i dun love u?

if i dun love u.. why do i think of u before i sleep.. n when i wake up.. could it be because u r the only one i hang out with so often? or could it be u r important?
if i dun love u.. why do i keep holding u close n not letting u go.. when i could actually have the strength to leave n feel nothing bout it..could it be i m stubborn? that i wanna show others we are long termed? or could it be i can't live without u if i choose to feel that way..
if i dun love u.. why do i feel sad everytime i see u afar.. n wanna feel u near.. why do i get upset when u chose to talk to others.. n refuses to talk to me.. could it be i m just possessive of u? n that i wanna show everybody u r mine? or could it be i can't spend one second away from u?

if u dun love me.. y do u tell me u can't bear seeing me without u by my side?.. could it be u can't bear seeing me sad? or could it be u r feeling guilty of causing my sadness.
if u dun love me.. y do i see u so happy when u r with me?.. is that laugh for real? or for fake?..
if u dun love me.. y do u always think of us n cry cuz u can't be perfect n can't be wat i want? y do u even care? if i do not love u.. would u stay? would u still not let go?

but if i do love u.. y m i frustrated at u for being u?
n if u do love me.. y won't u tell me?

if there were no words.. no way to speak.. i would still hear u..
if there were no tears..no way to feel inside i still feel for u..
n even if the sun refused to shine.. even if romance ran out of rhyme..
u would still have my heart until the end of time.. cuz all i need is u..my valentine..

all of my life.. i have been waiting for all u give to me..
u opened my eyes.. n showed me how to love unselfishly..
i dreamt of this a thousand times before. in my dreams i couldn't love u more..
i would give u my word until the end of time..
u r all i need my love.. my valentine

actually.. do i hear u?.. or m i imagining things?
i can't feel anything inside now... do i feel for u.. i guess i do..
the romance is long gone.. but is my heart still with u... ? well.. if i can't feel anything inside.. of cos its with u. duh.
.. all i need is u?.. only u?


another one of those

slept last night. prayed that it won't happen again.. but wasn't sincere when praying.. didn't care.. after all its just nightmares..isn't it? nightmares after bible reading..isn't it cool..whenever u r bored.. just pick up the bibe n then sleep.. n u get nightmares............ ugh.

read bible twice. twice i get nightmares. frist time dreamt that no one Cares.. still ok.. bit teary.. but not out yet.. so still ok..

yesterday night was the worst.

we were there again.. in the audience.. me..him..n my dad(ok.. this couldn't be bad since both of thm are together with me...right? ) ..the stage is empty .. only one man was on it.

he was blindfolded...by a cap that extneds up to the ceiling that helps him stay put. hands tied to his back... he look cold.. without feelings... as if he dun give a damn..

there were another man in front of him.. with a gun by his side. n then there were 3 judeges there.. wat competition this is.. i supposed.

there was a lso a choir.. they sang.. whie the projector shows a series of beutiful flowers in bloom.. they sky was still.. the clouds were gray..seems weird why everything doesn't fits.

n then.. the song finished. n the big clock up on top ding dong.

the judges looked at each other.. n said into the microphone.. 'now'.

the man in front of the prisoner raise up his gun n point it to the prisoners head ..we are al vv silent n still n without any care.. (but inside me.. i was wondering.. he's gonna kill that man?)

then... when he was about to pull the trigger. the door burst opened. everyone turned to look. except for the judges.. they looked at each other n groaned.. a man with greenish brown shirt walked in. the man with the gun froze...n tremble.. somehow he just can't pull the trigger.

then the green man walk up in front of the gun man n raised up his own gun n shooted.

the prisoner fling around lifelessly on the rope.

it was an execution. but the executioner wasn't legal. the shot were stolen. n its not judges, they were the timekeeper...keeping time of the life the prisoner should have.

everyone fled... screaming... allbecause of a green man who suddenly came in n shoot the prisoner whos gonna die anyway.

i seemed to be emotionless.. (i must have seen this countless of times.. haven't i?).. we walked out of the building.. n got into the car...


the next night..we were there again. n the same thing happened. the green man stole the shot once more. this time the judges are irritated... this green man has done this too many times to their executioner. n they were fed up why he always gets the shot. but the gunman this time were determine not to let the green man have the shot.

the greenman walked towards the prisoner.. n the gunman waited. when both of them were on par.. both raised their guns n cocked their head ,... the judges seemed excited... they want it to happen.. the prisoner's death had become a game.

the greenman won.

this time..no commotion was caused.. we walked out of the building in ot the dark night... talking about it...

the road was empty.. so i rushed to the other side without waiting for my dad n him.. they are always so slow.. that it frustrates me.

suddenly... they shouted "run!!.. run!! GO!!"

i looked to my left.. 5 young men were chasing after me. i ran .. n i ran.. i dun wanna end up in the stage. no. not me. (but wat makes me think that they will put me on stage..i dunno)

i ran... but i can hear other footsteps behind them.. it was him.. oh stupid.. my dad had already driven away... buthe was ont he chase..chasing the men who is chasing me. aiyo...

i ran n i ran around the streets.. past alleys.. n when i thought they are far enough.. i opened a door n i slipped in. it was a toilet...

but there's sofa... tv... n comforts there.. further behind are the cubicles... the last one is open..the others were shut. . i ran into the last one. n locked myself in.

it was silent..n still..as i breathe heavily n sweat heavily.hoping they won't find me.. hoping they won' turn back and take him instead.

waiting dreadfully... trying to stop myself from breathing so that my breaths Can't be heard.

everything was so still..n quiet.

suddenly.. a girl sang. she hummed...n then water splashed.. on her body... n then she talked to herself.. in mandarin... then she talked to me.."ni shi shui?" who r u...

i was trying to play it cool... ok.. so if i talk a little bit high pitch.. i might be able to pass off as a child toher.. n she won't try to shoo me out...

but my voice tremble n tremble.. i told her i m just a kid in need of a toilet...

then we talked.. both in different cubicles... unti i almost forgot there was a chase...... its hard talking high pitch...but its ok

suddenly the door opened. footsteps of 2 men ... she continued to talk to me..as if nothing has happened. my tongue were locked.. ic oudln't reply her... fearing they might recognize my voice.. i kept quiet... but she did not press her questions n make me talk.. she just ask other questions... sounds as if shes's talking to her self...

she was on my right... to my left theres another cubicle.. i heard that Door burst open.... n i saw a mans leg under the door of my cubicle.. i jumped on the toilet bowl silently... shaking with fear... then i realized" they would burst my door open if they thought no one is inside!"

so i talked to her... in a very shaky n fake high pitched voice.... she was telling me a joke... n i laughed... i said it was funny... then she asked.. how funny?

the men passed us.. n wlked towards the sofa.. suddenly there was a thud n i saw her head above the cubicle's wall.. she ahd long hair.. typical chinese..bit dark...

i was mouthing to her... help me.. help me.. those men wants me.. help me,..

she smiled... n said "now i know how funny it is.."

she stood back down onto the hard floor.. i was looking at the window above..wondrering if i could squeeze thru... she talked to me.. but her voice seemed near this time..i turned around just in time to see her walk THRU the door of my cubicle... going transparent when the door was in her.

i was frightened.. but my fear for those men were more.

i asked her.. how did she do that? n she made silly antics of telling me ur head had to be at a certain degree by the wall's side.. n she bent down n demonstrated ..putting her head to the wall..expecting it to go thru.. but she knocked her head instead...

we can hear those men wathcing tv there.. waiting.. for me.. i supposed..

she told me not to be afraid softly... i was shaking.. muttering nonsense n crying again.. then she held my hand n smiled to me... her hand felt cold. is she a ghost? ...

n sometimes i can feel those fingers of her go inside mine... as if they are not solide n just air... somtimes....

then she hold me.. pullled me to the door... n we walked thru the door.. i felt nothing... i was clam..vv calm..

we walked pass the men... they didn't seemed to notice....or didn't seemed to be able to see.

she held me closer n pulled me thru that door again... n we could see the other 3 men outside..waiting..scouting..running everywhere searching for me.. but i couldn't see him.. where is he.....

they couldn't see us....she take me to the right side... n walked me.. out into the streets ....n i can see him.. standing there..as usual.. waiting for me... but he coudn't see me....

she took me closer to him... n put my hand in his... then she walked away...

she turned back n she smiled..

he wasn't aware i was there... we just stood there silently..dumb.. then he look to his right. n saw me.. he gave a jump of fright.. but recovered quickly n quickly took me n ran with me..

we reach my home... my father was there.. n he was agitated..but not by the my running away... not by the men who is after me.. more.. theres something more that upsets him..

he rushed towards me n told me that i must be in campus. must. n he forced me inside the car.. n drove me.. away..muttering nonsense that i couldn't understand.. n we left him behind at my house.

i reached campus.. it was vv dark.. morning can't seem to come.. my dad walked me in.. n left me there... he drove away.

suddenly he was there... he pulled me close n told me " u need to kill someone . go get anything that can kill. "

i asked ..y?...

he said " they got ur mother. she's gonna be on stage. if u can kill the green man, they 'lll lost spirit n the gunman will not shoot"

( my monm is alreadydead... why r the killing her again?..is this y my dad is so upset... so she isn't dead yet?? i couldn't let her die this time... i let her die the first time..but not this time)

we ran all over the place..seraching for things.. there were no guns.. no knifes..only projectors... those things we use to draw circle with a sharp point in one end. n we can only get one.

then we rushed to the building.. n we saw the 5 men.. but they look at us n just looked away.. as if we didn't exist... then i realized... because i escaped... they took my mom instead.

i was furious.. i rushed into the building. my father was there. we stood beside him..he was calm but crying.. the stage is empty. everything was dark this time. i walked in front of the audience.. waiting.. holding the sharp end in my hand. i m not gonna let her die this time. not my mother.

we waitied... vv long.. nothing happened.. i took the time to ask everyone for projectors.. why projectors.. i do not understand )....we got about 30 of them.. my father saw.. but he didn't say anything.. why is he so weak/?? why is he just going to watch her die again???

then the judges rushed in.. sweaty.. flustered.. apparently something happneed... but they look satisfied.

the big screen brightened.. there was a choir... a bigger one... why... i do not understand.

i do not care... i just wanna kill that greenman... the flowers they show this time were bigger... more blossoms..more colour..n more windy... the choir has the strong will in them.....

the camera turned away from the choir... n from top's view.. focused on the stage.. where 2 man is standing on it.. the camera go closer..n closer. the left man is the greenman.. they caught him..hes the prisoner on the stage this time.. i can't kill anyone.. anymore.. he is going to be killed.. he won't be killing my mother... i can't save her..

there were 10 gunmen this time in front of both of them.. guns raised to them.

then the camera turned right... n focused on my mother's face...her mouth. who's eyes n nose are hidden by the blindfold.

he mouth n her skin is decayed. white n peeling. i still remember this mouth .. i watched it when she was feeding me last time... why izzit so gross now?. i can recognize her body.. a lil hunchback..n her mass of black hair..

then the camera go closer..until only the mouth is visible.. i was so repelled by her dry white mouth with dry peeling skin.... that i just was so frightened by the sight of her ..as if she's a demon..

n i woke up.

... n i knew wat this meant. i had never loved her. never.

i wasn't frightened by those men....nor by the fact that my dad dun care... or that he is in danger. wasn't frigthened by the girl who can walkt hru doors... or by the fact that my mom is gonna be killed again.

but i m frightened by her sight. so frightened that i was jolted awake.

if u saw ur mom.. like that. u would have cried.. or rushed towards n kill all those gun men.

but i didn't. i had never felt fear..or sadness..because i was so determined not to let her die..

because i never love her.. n because of that.. i let her die when i was 8.. n now even in my dreams.. i let her die..

over n over again.

its been years since i last dreamt of her... n everytime she is silent... not willing to even look at me... the last time i dreamt bout her..i was walking up the stairs. n she walking down.. i kept on staring at her until i get banged by the car.

forgive me mom... for i haven't been a daughter when u r here.. n also when u r gone.. n i never love u.. i m sorry i didn't mourn for u in ur funeral.. i didn't cry... no..i wasn't too young to understand.. its just that i didn't love.. i m sorry i always leave u alone in ur room...to ur thoughts just because i wanted to play.. i have never given u a glass of water before.. or folded ur clothes before... i had never even hug u when u r sick.. cuz u look so frail. i m afraid my hug will break ur bones... n i didn't wan to see that sight...

forgive me for blaming u.... insisting that u gave up on me n my father when u left us... now i understnd... it is we who have given up on u.. it is we.

God.. now i know y u took her away.. someone that good..doesn't deserve us.. she deserve a better place.. a place where her sisterS won't beat her anymore... n a place where peple she love will love her back.

forgive me Lord..for i have sinned.. i did not love those who love me.. not even You.

forgive me.