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its gonna be ok

eventhough i m scared..n afraid.. which i have never felt before...i guess thats the power God bestow on them... game's not in my hands.. i m in the game..but i m not the one playing it.....never will be.. i guess

weird thing is i repell...... y?..y now?...isn't this wat i want?

i guess all comebacks come with conditions..but its ok.its alright..i can adapt...

...lets just wait n see

amazing fairy tale that had come true..mr reliable romantic was u..

blinded ..misguided in the arms of love.. jus cuz it suited the both of us..

then it all went wrong..

i m the one to blame...

takking u for granted...in somany ways..

when i look back now.how can i every forget..u made me so happy....the day we met

how could something so magic become something so tragic right befor my eyes?

two separate ives...every second was a precious moment..now i m thinking about the path i chosen... wish i could unmake mybig mistake...

communication had broken down... this situation was out of our hands..well..my hands.

u got to please understand..that i was too young.. yes.. just too young for that.. i guess it all went wrong.. n i m the one to blame..

but wat i would give to have u back again... the days..the weeks the months..the years we wasteD.. i m sorry.. i still love u.. i dun expect a call cuz my apology's belated.. i m sorry.. n i miss u all my life


LOVE [cagnet]

my love.. u r my destiny....for all times... so faithfully..
to u.. i give my heart to thee.. so once again, i live in love...
n so i called this song 'love'..send from the heart n skies above..
for only u.. this song i sing.. this melody of love..for u..the dove

i m...an open book for u... inside these words.. i leave a clue..
the sun will fade n start again.. like our love.. theres no end..

i m gonna start remaking my portfolio...a good new vamp design complete with with flash n sound.. n permanent one.. no more MESS.. or oldies... ..

ihad a concept already.. n i lost it the next 5 seconds.. ..argh...frustrating.

ii m so excited...

hmm...u r probably guessing y.. y m i suddenly so excited.... bout my website. because i.. LONG YEN YEN.. yea.. not ashamed of my name anymore..woohOO..

... my work. MY website. n MY comic strip... for my computer graphics assignmnets last semester were PROMOTED n DUBBED one of the best works... wahhhahaha..
but unfortunately.. in that particular moment of glamour.. i was snoozing in my room..cutting my class.. skipped n truanted. no chance for me to blow kisses or refuse autographs......

i m seriously n surprisingly bored of my work in campus... lost the spirit to do those meander work... once i m donewith my pportfolio i m going job hunting....

i m bored n annoyed to the extreme by bad lecturers that can do good work but doesn't know how to teach... for those who are interested in putting up mp3s in their site as well....yahoo! me for the patch...

well..everything is again alright... love triumph once more.... :D
i would have gladly change this mp3... but i think i'll leave it for a week more.. wat say u?

now....i have work to do.. so if u please excuse me....


big minds discuss ideas..
mediocre minds discuss events..
small minds discuss people..

i know i can be a little stubborn sometimes..
u might say.. a little righteous n too proud...
i just wanna find a way to compromise.. cuz i believe that we could work things out..

i though i had all the answers..
never giving in.. but sinCe u gone i admit that i was wrong..

all i know is i m so lost without u i m not gonna lie..
how m i gonna be strong without u i need u by my side..
if we ever say we never be together n we ended it with goodbye..
dunno what i do.. i m lost without u..
i keep trying to find my way.. but all i know is i m so lost without u..
i keep trying to Face the day.. i m lost
without u..

how m i ever gonna get rid of this blues.. i m so lonely all the time..
everywhere i go i get so confused... u r the only thing thats on my mind..

my bed's so cold at night..n i miss u more each day...
only u can make it right ...
no.. i m not too proud to say..

if i could only hold u now.. n make the pain just go away.. can't stop the tears from running down my face...

ok.. lack of posts for the past few months have been dry.. why?.. i had someone to talk to.. why explainS the lack of need for blogging.. why blog when u can talk n talk n get some crap back?..

daily..+++ my dad came back..holding a leaf..."have u ever seen a leaf befroe?"
"have u ever seen a leaf before?"
me..."yea? all around the place.."..glanced at the leaf on his socks.. it looks sick.. with i dunno..light spots..black n yellow..
"have u ever see living things in them?"
"huh? worms?"
he grabbed a magnifying glass... my sister was amazed... in the tiny yellow spot.. theres a worm.....
"education time...kids"..
.....(lame betul)

u can't even see the worm....

.. personally.. i have been intrigued.. by people in MMU...
ok. history first..
back in my high school... i m pretty unnoticable... ok.. the cool girls have their tight shirs n short skirts..while me.. have an extra large shirt n a extremely tight cullocks.. courtesy of my dear father.
they have also straightened their hair.. n are tons taller than me.. n somehow.. they can talk
not to say i cannot talk.. i can.. also talk... and alot more wiser than them too... all they talk about is when is their next red box outing.. next WARP outing... why that cute teacher is always looking at that girl.. n all bout popular girls n guys..

.... so naturally.. i gotten so used to being invisible that i thought that i could jsut invisible my way thru MMU n get the grades i want as well.... who cares if people thought that u r cold n hard ?

.. ok. first day of orientation...
this is where the fun starts.


i got hooked up with this certain girl called Audrey....


u all probably guess where this is going. man .. u just can't stop talking around her...
n since the first friend is already so fun loving .. add that with Fel...

.. we wreak havocs man.
i jsut can't stop talking.
n to my astonishment... people actually notices me in MMU.. u people may think its nothing.. but for someone who has been invisible for so many years... its vvv touching indeed...
suddenly there's someone complimenting on my earrings.. n accessories.... goodness gracious!! i didn't know people actually praises others....
n to my utter amazement... during our group performance.. i was the stage girl.. holding those action cards.. before every scene... n then. people actually responded to me. they actually wallow n billowed.
instead of the usual boos in my high school... no.. boos is already too much. usually they ignores.
how amazed. was i.
but no.
..i dun suit here. no i don't. i can't. CAN't.

he doesn't likes me to socialize.... can't talk to guys... can't even look at them. i must be faithful..
but i m free.. i wanna be free... does that means i dun love him?.. i do.. in a weird sorta way...
slowly i evolved... all my jealousy.. yes.. i m a very jealous person.. they went away... n i myself loosen up.. started commenting on other's beauties.... n i started socializing.....
people aren't so bad after all... how bad can they be?

how bad can they be..........

n oF cos... ahem ahem.. me n my results... ah.. hehe.. i m a good student. of cos... straight flushes so far.. always.
but the topic today is..why do people judge me?
i m not gonna blame the way i dress on the high school i came from... which only homed rich kids.. n i m not one.. but somehow.. when u go somewhere.. u adapt..
i m gonna blame it on the trip to australia... that was when i was 14... ok.. before that i a tomboy.. believe me.. u wouldn't wanna see my pics..
i had like.. blue thick plastic rimmed specs on my face. with Harry POtter's hair... n i haVe a habit of peeling my lips.. leaving them bleeding all the time.. n a habit of pluckin my hair leaving them bald patches... THAT BAD...

..u see... i went to aussie... n people there dresses whatever they want.. n no one stares...it was then i discover the beauty of my body.... wa.. i have breasts!!... n they are reasonably big for my age.... ah.. can't believe i m writing this... courtesy of my mom....
.. my aunt n cousinS who were there.. instructed me clothes to buy.. wa.. bare back.. so scared man.. see also i curl into a ball.. body hugging.. eeyer!!..got one got holes on the side.. aiya!!
.. when i wear them.. i was amazed.
truly truly amazed.
n i bought bras n panties too... not those from pasar malam that my DAD tried on me IN FRONT OF EVERYONE>>> he wears the bra ON ME over my shirt in front of EVERYONE!!!

ahh!!!!..no.. no bras.. i wanna be a boy!!! a boy.
but then. i discover..wow.. i m sexxeh.....
i came back from australia.. changed.. n suddenly i caught my cousins looking at me in a way... i din't know i can be a girl.. wow. thats some kinda power.
since then.. my wardrobe consists of nothing but stuffs that compliment my body.. only i OFTEN ran out of course n made things worse instead......
.. n of cos..hair do grow back..not all..but sufficient for beauty...
lips healed.. but thicker than the natural gift from God... n one side seems bigger.. who cares?..
.. n then theres this miracle thing called... contact lenses!..

but Still.. that is never enough in my high school.. i wasn't naturally cool.. who cares.
ok.. why do people juDge me...
if i m wat i wear.. would i be in MAXIM?..FHM?..
if i m wat i say.. would i be socrates' student.?
.. if i m wat i do...aiyo.. then i wouldn't exists.. i screw up lots of times before..
no. i m not a bimbo.... i have brains..
not a nerd either.. i have a life too.. though it consists of hanging out with my friends in red box n shopping.. n movies ...
definitely not a computer geek... eventhough i have had a bf thru the net for 2 years. which failed miserable... n i do blog.. n i surf too much... (ok..maybe i m one..but i m making a different point here).. i do still OFF my laptop n sleep u know...
i mnot a winner.. neither m i a loser... whichever u think i m... it depends where u are... MMU.. different..high school.. different... relatives... oh heck it....
yes.. i hate going back to my real mother's side...but not as much as spending timein my stepmom's side...
my real mother's side is less cultured n educated.. consisted mainly of her sisters who were so damn frigging poor that they were prostitutes..some of them... not my mother.. thanks to my father... n whenever i go there.... ah... my confidence of myself would deflate to ZERO no matter how high it used to be.....
suddenly i m reminded that my ears stick out. n my lips are big.. ok i know they are. n i m dark.. n i m short. n my boobs are big. freak.
even my aunt who is so sick n almost lost her memory in the hospital recognize me thru my obvious trademark in the middle of my body.
i m not a filial daughter... i do lose my temper at my father.. often. i do not agree to his vicious way of bringing up a child.. consisting mainly of lies n beatings n unfair judgements. but i do.. however love him.. as i feel the pain that he feels... n the stress....
i m not a good friend either.. i do not remember birthdays well.. i usually trusted myhandphone.. n most of the time.s.. i rather be alone than to hang out with them.. but i do care... sometimes there's just thEse urges to call them up.. or find out how are they.. n sometimes i jsut wana say endearments to them.. but have no courage face to face..thus this blog comes in handy..
i m not good to myself too.. i can't be bothered to bathe.. or brush my teeth. yea .. get away from me.. u health freaks!.. hhahaa
.. i dun sleep early.. doesn't mean i don't sleep.. n i dun comb my hair..but i do now cuz i have to make the 250 bucks straightening worthwhile... i dun eat... i dun do anything to keep myself in shape.. but i do.. however... um....wat?..oh yea.. um.. hope this counts.. cosmetics?..no i dun.. .ah.
i guess i leave this as it is..
n definitely not a good student.. teachers have never liked me... often find me too rude.. too quiet.. too moody.. n too sleepy.hahaha.. but i do get good results.. which sometimes surprised them.. n i love surprises...
...so dun judge me.. accroding to how i write.. or how i dress. or how i talk.. cuz i m much much deeper than u think.. n do not at all..judge how i feel right now. .

dun because i wear a cap.. n loose pants.. think i m a tomboy
or revealing clothes..tight ones.. think i m a bimbo..
or if i can't go out..cuz i need to study.. think i m a geek...
or if i sleep late... think i m doing something bad..
or if my companion is different from me.. think i m in their category.. or they are in mine..

Forget the love that you once shared
Forget the face that had once cared
Forget the time we spent together
Remember now i m gone forever,

Forget the way i said i loved you
Forget the way i kissed and hugged you
Forget all those nights when i held you tight
Remember now i hold her tonight,

Forget the way i looked at you
Forget you kissed the whole night through
Forget all your dreams came true
REMEMBER, that i don't love you--- koezen86@hotmail.com [ain't i hurt enough adi?] grr.



why m i frustrated??

i m amazed by myself.. i wonder how i did it.. weirdness.. apparently.. doing something calls for the preparation of accepting it.. n apparently i m ridiculously unprepared.


i m content...


i AM content..

... i m content..


yesterday night.. walked into the shop..ordered pan mee... both me n my father..

... u know.. ur mom...she loves eating this.... she likes it torn.. not machined rolled...



do u still love her?

....(nods his head furiously)i miss her alot.. like crazy...


....is there... any way to let go?..

...(shakes his head furiously)... no.. it can't be.. why should i?
why should i forget her?... husbands n wives dun forget.. if its puppy love.. i don't give a damn..
its all about choices..[i jerked my head up violently..choices??]... but when it comes to husband n wife.. its no longer a choice.. its fate.

the met when he was 16... 10 years..they lasteD..then they got married.. ..n 10 years of marriage... then she left us...

now 10 years has passed.... n my dad still remembers.... wat she like to wear.. what she love to eat... everything....

after 10 years.. will i remember u?
will i remember the songs u sanG to me... n how u fed me?.. or how.. ah. watever


how can he remember her so much more?.. when i don't?
does that means i love her less?

i supposed it does. 8 years with her.. yet... how she fought n defend me from my father... i have no where in my heart to appreciate it.

the most vivid memories.. .. when he beat me....... she coaxed me... carried me in her arms.. n fed me butter from the container.. i hated butter then.. but somehow after that.. i love it.....

.. remembered once.. when i was such a bad kid... n then i realized wat i had done.. she was cooking in the kitchen.. n i just ran to hug her... n tell her 'thank u for everything'... i must say i m not a very emotional person when it comes to words.. n whenever i do say something like that.... sigh. not a pretty sight.. conclusion is.

n of cos.. silly times....

there was once.. where my mom n dad wanna have some ..er.. private times in the bathroom.. she Gave me the excuse.."na.. now mammy had to rub daddy's back for him in the bathroom... if anyone comes around... please tell them we've gone out..ok?"

.... moments later... someone rang the doorbell....
salesman..... hallo.. where is daddy n mommy??
me... i dunno wor.. they gone out adi....
salesman...... gone out where?.. when will they come back?
me..... i dunno. mammy she..rubbing daddy's back.. need vv long one...
salesman... laughs weirdly..... ok..ok....i'll come back later..

after that.. i told them...wat happened n wat i said... my mom couldn't stop laughing.. n my father looked annoyed..

haha....din understand wats going on til much much later.

of cos..there were bad times.. when they fought.. n wouldn't talk to each other.. me.. trying to play midde man.. would purposely cry.. n moaned.."mammy.. dun be angry with daddy already... dun fight adi.."......n it works everytime....at leaSt in front of me..


i supposed its ok.. its alright.

monkey betul..

wa.... fuuuyoh.. so yao ying...

annoying brat

wat the..

okok..chill chill..

big ass

show off..hahaha

new sofa

sigh.. wat a sight


my eyes are weary....why?...cuz i m straining them too much.. trying to focus them on anything else instead of u.
my hands are weary... i have been forcing them by my sides so that i won't reach out n hold u....
my mouth is so very weary... for i m stopping certain words from coming out....certain words like 'i love u... n i want u back..'
my head is on fire... cuz i m trying to stop thinking of u... n it won't listen to me...

n my heart are so painful... cuz i m stopping it from running away to u... where it belongs....

every part of me is in pain...cuz every part of them wants to go back to u..

baby come back to me... remember how it used to be.
paradise is just out of reach
baby won't u please come back to me?

another night here alone.. staring at the telephone.. willing u to make that call.to bring u back where u belong...

its been three hard weeks.. baby the longest night..
i need to hear ur voice.. n feel ur soft skin by my side...
we said things we shouldn't have.. i take back every word..
don't u know i can turn back time.. its only u n i that pay the price....

the day that we said goodbye..no hiding back the tears we cried...
searching for the reasons y... we let this love just fade n die..
all the riches in the world.. all the diamonds n the pearts..
i give.. to send the winds of chance.. to bring u back to me again..
say that we can heal the pain.. turn the spark into a flame....
i know that we can bring it back again...
cant u see i m down on my knees?

please..release me.. let me go..for i don't love u anymore..
to live our lives would be a sin... so release me n let me love again..

i have found a new love..dear. n i will always want her near..
her lips are warm while urs are cold...
so release me..my darling.. n let me go.

please release me..can u see?
u be a fool to cling to me..
to live our lives would be a sin..so release me n let me love again...

yesterday.. all my troubles seemed so far away..now it looks as though they are here to stay..
oh i believe in yesterday..

suddenly.. i m not half the man i used to be..theres a shadow hanging over me...
oh yesterday came suddenly...

yesterday..love was such an easy game to play.. now i need a place to hide away..
oh i believe in yesterday...

if there were no words.. no way to speak.. i would still hear u..
if there were no tears..no way to feel inside i still feel for u..
n even if the sun refused to shine..even if romance ran out of rhyme.. u would still have my heart until the end of time..
ur all i need my love..my valentine...

all of my life.. i have been waiting for all u give to me..
u opened my eyes.. n showed me how to love unselfishly..
i dreamt of this a thousand times before.. in my dreams i couldn't love u more...
i would give u my heart until the end of time..
u r all ineed.. my love..my valentine..

'never look back.." we said... how was i to know i miss u so?
loneliness up ahead... emptiness behind.. where do i go..?

n u didn't hear..all my joy thru my tears..
all my hopes thru my fears ..
did u know..still i miss u somehow.?

from the bottom of my broken heart..theres just a thing or two i like u to know.. u were my first love... were my true love.. from the first kisses to the very last rose..
from the bottom of my broken heart.. eventhough time may find me somebody new.. u were my real love.. i never knew love.til there was u...
from the bottom of my broken heart....

'baby' i said...."please stay ....give our love a chance for one more day..."
we could have worked thigns out..taking time is wat love's all about...
but u put a dart thru my dreams ..thru my heart...
n i m back where i started again...
never thought it would end..

u promised urself.. but to somebody else.. n u made it so perfectly clear..still i wish u were here..

i cried a tear.. u wiped it dry... i was confused.. u cleared my mind..
i sold my soul.. u bought it back to me... n held the eart..
u gave me dignity...

somehow u needed me..

u gave me strength.. to stand alone again.. to face the world.. out on my own again..
u put me high.. upon a pedestal.. so high that i could almost see eternity..
u needed me.. u needed me..

i can't believe its u.. i can't believe its u..
i needed u.. n u were there...
n i'll never leave.. why should i leave??
i needed u.. i finally found soemone who really cares..

u held my hand.. it was cold n i was lost..
u took me home.. u gaveme love that i was at the end i turned my like..
back into truth.. again u even called me 'friend'...

sorry.. its all that u can say??
days gone by n still.. words dun come easily...like 'sorry..'/
sorry....like sorry..

forgive me.. its all that u can say??
days gone by n still.. words dun come easily..like 'forgive me'
forgive me...forgive me...

but u can say baby...
baby can i hold u tonight..baby if i told u the right words.. at the right time.. u be ine..

i love u...its alll that u can say??
days gone by n still..words dun come easily..like 'i love u'
i love u... i love u..

i heard he sang a lullaby..i heard he sang it from his heart.. when i found out i thought i would die.. becase that lullaby was mine..
i heard he selaed it with a kiss..he gently kiss her cherry lips... i found that so hard to believe...because his kiss belongs to me...

how could n angel break my heart??
y din he catch my falling star??
i wish i din wish so hard..
maybe i wished our love apart.. how could n angel break my eart...

i heard her face was white as rain...soft as a rose that blooms in May...
he keeps her picture in a frame.. n when he sleeps he calls her name..
i wonder if she makes him smile.. the way he used to smile at me..
i hope she doesn't make him laugh.. because his laugh belongs to me...

my soul is dying... its crying.. i m trying .. to understand.. please help me..
i love u..


my hair is curly

nice leh

envy? jealous?


my bear bear



my brother..

my baby brother... hehehe... nope. he's taken n he's MINE.

fuuuh yoh...not funny leh.. just kena marah from father.. aih.

prepare urself...(???)


another make over... of my friend timmy from australia.

original picture..

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3


ok..not gonna blog... but putting pics insTead.. enjoy....

do we look ridiculous or not?...wahahhaaha

my oh-so-beeeaUHteeFULL friends.... cherry at the left.... shadow in the right...

shadow..... cherry..

now u must be wondering where m i...
cherry... me...shadow......

theres one more illegal photo.. not interesting at all.. not interesting at all.. just mentioning for the sake of mentioning......




hehe.. ok.. i have nothign to do.. here goes.
this is a tutorial ... for those who r interested in photoshop n painter.hehe

original pic..

now.. who can get a guy with this photo???

for once.. the background has to go.. n in photoshop.. i auto adjust levels.to give the dark parts darker shades..n bright parts brighter shades... n i auto colorEd it too..so that i won't look like a dead corpse..

but still..ugh..no no.. can'tdo with those blue pimples on my face... so wat do i do??of cos.. i switch to painter 8 n use the water tool..equivalent to the smudge tool in photoshop..only that smudge is more distorting n seemed to drag paint all over the place.. while the water tool ..well..adds water.

now who can get a guy with eyes like that.. lifeless with no sparkle..
n then the Lord says... let there be light... this is done in painter 8.. painting with brush tool... adding color n sparkle.. n of cos... dramatic eyelashes..

of cos..me n my flat nose has to be gone... i highlighted the bridge of my nose.. deepened the shadows.. make it look less flat...still at painter 8

now after applying oil of olay.. n fair n lovely... i m quite n make up artist..eh?.. using the brightness n contrast tool... over n over again..then colorizing it again...in photoshop... all done in photoshop..

now who wanna kiss my lips.. when its purpish n blue.. .. ??.
switching back to painter 8.. i add on another layer.. n painteD the areas of my mouth with light bubble gum pink... then changing the opacity of the layer to 21%.. n the properties from default to colorizer..

time for a highlight job... can't go anywhere with this mass of black hair ..can i??
add some highlights with painter 8... with the brush n pencil tool... now thats better

of cos... i m in reds n yellows... putting a blue background..contrast color.. will make me prettier..common sense eh?.. dark blue especially.. now where to get that??... right. space.
aloha!! the finished product!!

again.. the BEFORE

N AFTER pic..


if there were no words

no way to speak..

if there were no tears..

no way to feel inside..

n even if the sun refuse to shine...

even if romance ran out of rhyme..

u r all i need...
my love...
my valentine

all of my life..

i have been waiting for ..all you give to me.

you opened my eyes...

i dreamt of this a thousand times before..
in my dreams ...
i couldn't love you more..

i would give you my heart until the end of time..
u r all i need..my love...
my valentine


da DA DA DUM!!!!!
drums roll please!!!!...
experiment with....

introducing.. the
BEAUTIFUL sister of HAZE..

n oF cos.... MUA!!....

the VITAGEN Sisters!!! drink up!!
...drink up!! drink up!!

SUSHI's cominG!!!!!

aw....... ahem.. of cos.. from beautiful sister. come forth beautiful siblings..

... oh yea baby! my eye bags are gone... thanks to PHOTOSHOP 7!!..


Girl in ur dreams

Was walking down the street one day.. then i saw u i didn't know what to say..
ur eyes were shining.. uR smile so kind..
when i saw u.. i wanted u to be mine..

maybe i dun have the blonde hair u like.. or maybe i dun have eyes like the sky..
n i m not sure if i m the girl in ur dreams..but i can show u wat love meanS..

one day u came n talked to me.. n u said we are meant to be...
i was happy..everything was so nice..but then i found out that everything was a lie

how could u do this to me.. u said we r meant to be..
u showed me how to cry.. when u told me everything was a lie..

love's hard to come by.. doesn't it.. sigh....

back from langkawi... :)
as usual.. i m the one holding the camera.. instead of the one posing for it... ommited out of my family... the family that isn't mine...

funny how when u have something.. no matter how good.. u can never find the space to appreciate them n be grateful for them....

but once u lost them... n have them back with u again... no matter how appreciative u are.. or how grateful.. they'll still leave ... until u can't possibly find any space in ur heart to appreciate anything at all

sometimes.. cracks remain even if repairs are made.

but...i m pleasantly surprised that.. up til now.. issues that were unsolved before is laid upon my path once more.. not yet solved.. but a chance to solve... do i dare to take it up again..for it demands too much attention n sacrifices...

i realize that i m left not without options.. many options lie in my path.. but none of them interest me. i m interested only in the option thats already dead.

in a much more optimistic view.. i have found my aim.. its been too long since i last have an aim... seemed too far.. n idealistic..this one.. but i'll work on it...

its going to be hard doing it alone....but i m so excited about it!!!... i can't wait to start.. yet i know it is difficult.. n i might never be able to finish it in my lifetime all by myself... n by the time i m done with 5 of them.. the first one will be outdaTed.. i Dun care.. i need a start...

i m gonna start reSearching now....



looking at the pages of my life...faded memorieS of me n u..mistakes u know i made a few
i took some shots n fell from time to time..u were there to pull me thru..
we been around the block a time or two...
i m gonna lay it on the line.. ask me how we've come this far..
the answer's written in my eyes..

everytime i look at u..baby i see something new...that takes me highter than before..n makes me want u more.. i dun wanna sleep tonight....dreaming 's just a waste of time...
when i look at wat my life's been coming to.. i m all about loving u..

i lived.
i loved.
i lost
i paid some dues..
we been to hell n back again..
thru it al..u r always my best friend.. for all the words i din say n all the things i din do..tonight i m gonna find a way...

u can take this world away.. u r everything i m..just read the lines upon my faces..i m all bout loving u..


i close my eyes...so i dun hear them...they dun need to see me cry..
i know..u can't promise u will heal me...but if i want to.. i know u'll try..

u sang this somber serenade..the past is done.. we been betrayed..its true..
someone said the truth will out... i believe without a doubt, in you.

u were there for summer dreaming..n u gave me what i need...

n i hope u'll find ur freedom...for eternity...for eternity....

yesterday when u were walking.. we talked about ur mum n dad...
wat they did that made u happy...wat they did that made u sad..
we sat...n watched the sun go down...picked a star before we lost the moon..
youth is wasted on the young.. before u know its come..n gone too soon..


ah.. couldn't control myself last night... i m so bad....

had a dream... i m leaving names off.

was in an outing.. this takes place in the vv near future when both of us is apart... we r friends... friends thats obvious they have been lovers before. cuz everything is uptight. jealousy still exists.. eventhough determined to walk on different paths..some parts of us still stuck together..

ok u get the idea....

during this phase.. u would say that all the sudden lost of attention only calls for more. n i m digusted by what i did..

i just woke up..a little sick n offbeat.. feeling unwanted....uncomfortably single...walked out of my room..passed the guys' room... um.. seth(i changed the name)..was in the room... he looked at me.. he always does.. n at the corner.. i felt faint.. n i fainted to the ground..but in fact, i had enough strength to keep my consciousness for hours.. i fainted because i wanted to. deliberately. ...(oh how disgusted i m at watching me do this..even in my dream)
n of cos... seth came running n held me.. so that i won't crash to the ground. round my waist.. the way how a woman love to be held..

n i feigned consciousness... thanking him........(ugh)

n the day goes on.. with me pissing him off... n me getting ridiculously n cheaply close to seth... making incidents as excuses for him to get his hands on me...

i even go to extreme of letting him hug me in front of everybody....

ah... how i hate myself....even in my dreams i m pathetic..

i'll never let myself be this fake.

new art.. anyway... i m thinking of redoing my blog....................... a less negative one...something brighter.. to show that i m strong...

oh yea... i m strong.. no use design a cover that shows strength when all the word content inside shows how weak i m...

everything around me is haunting me.. the fact that i m not good enough.. that so many people out there have a better heart compared to mine.. n that my flaws seemed to show up so very often nowadays.. i can only watch myself make mistakes..yet there is no way undoing or making it right again..

different beliefs.. different background.. different ambitions.. i thought love can overcome it all.. but i m wrong... love can only overcome bore.

so u sailed away..into a grey sky morning..
now i m here to stay..love can be so boring

nothin's quite the same now...i just say ur name now...but its not so bad..

u r only the best i ever had.. u dun wan me back..u r just the best i ever had...

so u stole my world...now i m just a phony..
rememberng the girl...leaves me down n lonely...

n it may take some time to patch me up inside..but i can't take it so i run away n hide...
n i may find in time that u were always right.. ur always right...

wat was it u wanted...could it be i m haunted??


i miss him so much..so so much.... felt like crying... can't contain myself... wanna call him n tell him i love him.. n that i still want him.. don't go... so painful..

i wonder how long will i last..before the mask crumble down...so hungry...yet no appetite ..dunno y.... so cold... freezing...

m i born to be tormented by love??

dunno y..no one can understand the enormity of this situation....... or izzit us who make a big deal out of nothing??

they just find it ridiculous breaking up because of differences n religion in the 21st century.... ..um....izzit?????


children cry because they knew they'll get what they want
adults cry because they knew they won't get what they want

i'll always remember... this late afternoon...
it lasted forever.. n ended so soon..
u were all by urself.. staring up at the dark grey sky..

i was changed.

in places no one will find.. all ur feelings so deep inside.
was then that i realized... that forever was in your eyes.. the moment i saw you cry..

i wanted to hold u..wanted to make it go away...
wanted to know you.. wanted to make your everything alright...

+first sight
everything happened so fast.. seemed just like yesterday ..when everything started..

went to MMU.. for orientation.. rush home to buy clothes n pack.. n get everything ready.. rush to be in groups. met Auds... bestest girl in the whole wide worlD.. still is. ..... ah.. same group with her.. supposed to do a performance for the OCs... did snow white.. i was the one carrying scenes..

n he was in the audience then.

.. was a time when he was sitting right behind me when theres a quiz going on..i was totally sick with every damn thing in the orientation week.. terrible power hungry OCs.. too much socializing.. n those who knew me probably knew how i look like then.. sulking long black face.. sitting vv low on the chair.. a quiz between the 4 faculties.. n Alice was our speaker.. frequent speaker i mean.. n he was so noisily encouraging those around him to go out n answer..

honestly i was pretty annoyed at everybody. including him.. oh who cares if other faculties win.... doesn't determine first class honors degree... so why BI Ba BI BA about the answers. n theres this really annoying question about why spectacles are better than contact lenses. ugh.

+first encounter
orientation over. classes on wednesday...first class.. english.
waiting for the teacher. then she came in.. late..

n then he came in. later somore. n sat next to me.. i greeted him 'morning'.. n he replied the same.

n then the teacher get us to write any questions that we wanted to ask strangers but do not dare to ask them..n then she got us in 2 circles.. one inside the other. n made one circle turn one direction.. n the other another direction sothat we would be facing different people at intervals.. n we go on... turning each time we answer a question that she read out..

anyway.. for curiousity sake.. yes i m the annoying one who went poetic in questions. i asked " if beauty and personality changes with teh sands of time, what would u look for in ur lover?" ..

so.. back to the topic.. when we finally turned to meet each other.. we got this question " how many times did u fall in love before?"

... that time i was still with jx... obviously i answered ''one"...

while he. hmph. he..
he counted FINGERS. n answered "five" waliu. ..

+first chat
days went.. n passed.. classes.. as usual..

once.. i went to CF with Auds.. saw him there.. late again.. and there was a music camp available that time.. when i went out to find out more after everything is over.. n talked to him a little.. found out that he is into music.
then found out he wanted to make a band.
then told him i m a pianist.
n we exchanged phone numbers.
one day..during Design Appreciation.. he came in late again.. with a laptop. n forgotten to turn off his volume.. so during the intro for windows.. everyone stared at him... including me. n i realized. oh! his wallpaper n mine are exactly the same!!

after classes.. somehow bumped into him .. n i told him that i got the same wallpaper as him.. n he chatted with auds about christian music.. while i lag behind...sob sob..

n i tried to chipped in by "yalor..." "yealar.."..hahaha.. .. bought an ice cream below my block while they still talk non stop.. aih. then Auds went up to hostel.. while i wanna go library... n somehow.. we ended up talking in front of the library for hours.. 3 hours. i think.. until maths class..

talking to him is so comfortable.. i dun get agitated by the fact that he is a guy.. um.. i m not trying to say that he is not.. but.. stil.. um.. u get wat i mean

+the inevitable happened
he told me there's an audition available for the theater club later at night.. n i told him there's a choir at night too.. n he told me how his choir group in PD won lots n lots of awards. he tolD me all his dreams.. all his ambitions.. everything.. n i told him everything. minus jx.

when night came. i accidentally left my wallet at the library.. n by the time i realized its gone.. n by the time i rushed there.. all the money inside is gone. 30 bucks.. gone.

i went to choir because fel was dragging me... ish..haha.. i called him.. n tell him that i m at choir.. he came.. specially for me.. i was already suspecting that time...n he said that we could go audition tomoro.... hehehe..

ok. after choir.. was so hungry.. but penniless.. n he wanna buy me supper.. agreed to that provided i buy him lunch tomoro.. during supper.. the worst happened.

...while eating n laughing n chatting.. suddenly jx called.
i didn't wanna pick up................... but i forgotten.. i set it to auto pick up after 5 seconds.. n he heard everything we said. heard me talking to a guy.
so i picked up.. n he hung up on me..

we couldn't eat after that... he called again.. n argued with me heatedly.. he walked away.. to give me space..

after that. i apologized.. first meal together.. thing like this happened... somehow ashamed i couldnt handle my personal life properly..

the next day..
lunch.. he was late again... that time i remember he always got stomach problems.. things was fun then.

during audition.. fel n him dragged me along... sob.. n 3 of us ended up signing up for audition even though we r there to watch only..........

wa.. i so scared man..

during the audition.. we are supposed to go in one by one.. n just talk about anything at all.. while they say out an emotion n we have to act it out. i went in and started babbling about jx..cuz my emotions for jx is still vvv strong that time.. n i almost cried.

when i came out... something happened. jx called me. n i shouted at him for the first time in my life. i scolded him. cursed him. yelled at him. accused him. everything. he was pretty upset with me.

+sweet memories
somehow after that.. we managed to find excuses to buy dinner for each other.. or lunch... or supper.... n gossips flew like mad.

.. we went to the playground once..kicked sand at each other.. wa...so happy..

i didn't realized how much i enjoyed hanging out with him until one morning i woke up.. n found out its him i m thinking of. not jx anymore.

wanted so badly to just tell him how i felt that time.. but afraid that i might chase him away.. afraid that he'll leave me.. afraid that the friendship might sink.. n besides.. i m too stained with my current relationship.. so stained that i can never start anew again... until i made up my mind to concentrate on jx..... on something i already have..

... but one night.. when i tell fel all these..she told me "do not let ur past decide ur future".. i knew then wat i want..

+first date
sat bus..go klcc... hehe.. in the bus.. the inertia once made us have skin contact... i adjusted myself after i m stable enough to adjust... cuz i knew he dun like it.....but to my surprise...he asked me to not go away.......wa.. so sweet..
wanted to watch troy............but hmph. watched shrek 2 instead.. but vvv nice orh..it is the most comfortable date i ever had with a guy before.

um... n funny.. too..
i remembered how he pointed at the price tag for ice cream...n shouted "Four ninety!!!!!"..hahahaha

+with new king comes new followers
one day...was practicing piano for the choir.. he came....wanted to go playground again... ..so he went off first... after a while i go back to my room.. i wanted to call him....then i couldnt' find my phone.. so i ask fel to miss call.. it didn't ring.

i left it in the piano room.

..i was slumbering.. when fel shouted at me.."GOO!! GO! go!!".. n i ran as fast as i can..ran to the building.... damn! they locked the door.. everyone left.. i pissed off at teh security guard wailed at him.. until he find someone to open the door forme.. its still there!!

8 miss calls.. wa.

...then i ran back.. to get him.. it rained.. it was so cold.. he 's already there.. i told him i left my hp there.. n i ran over to the playground... it was raining.. heavily.. n i was soaked.. we went to the hut n sat down...

n he's the kind that is afraid to touch people.. so m i.. but i was too cold.. we huddled together..when i realize what i m doing.. i inched away.. he asked me not to do that.....

so cold n wet...shivering n teeth clattering..then he asked.

i was stunned.

then my senses got back to me.. i asked him silently " aren't u afraid i will 2 time u?"

..aiyA...to cut a long story short i accepted. then at night choir. jx called n i broke offwith him there n then.

ok. next one.

+bliss n happiness
after choir.. we went to the UFO tower hut.. everything is so new..n nice.......felt so happy for the first time..
it was like a dream.. we held hands.. he let his goatee be scratchy.. cuz he knew i like it... he knew i like to touch it..

went to MY cafe to do our paintings..while amrie played with my hp...so blissful.. just painting together... be with one another..
those 3 days....... sigh.......

+reality hurts
but then reality strikes.. its his first relationship.... i m too stained.. too used.. not good enough.. not pure n clean enough.... i couldn't take it.... couldn't make myself stain him too. couldn't make myself be with someone like me. he deserve someone better..someone so much more better... someone with less flaws....

i broke up with him... ...i rather hurt him there n then. with just any excuse.

ah..the sky hasn't be clear for a while..
as usual.... i see ur smile up there...

yes..i have cried... but still my guilt remains...
i can see the kite flying sadly up above the dark sky...

i still miss u... still willing a miracle to happen to bring u back to me..
i m holding the string... still holding...

i can still remember n feel ur tenderness...
my loneliness is isolating me.. from everyone.. from you...

why...? why?... why did u forgive me??

all i can do is read it like a script.. forever..read those pain n hurt i inflicted on u..
i can't forgive myself...

all i wanna do is ask u to pretend that i m not there..
i open my eyes... looking at emptiness...

i forgotten all ur hopes of me...

after reading them... i'll depend on those script again... that way i'll leave..i'll be able to leave

+love triumphs
but then.. seeing him like that... so hurt n in pain.. makes me just wanna hug him... n be with him.. ...but i can't. i can't...won't.
he doesn't even wanna eat meals with me anymore.... ask me not to ask him out for lunches or dinners.. but i made him go to the prize giving ceremony with me ...

and after that we are just friends... things were simpler then. easier to end.. n to split ways when we haven't merge any..

during mid term break.. my father when to aussie for work.... i just couldn't stay in a house with just my stepmom n my step sis... i couldn't.... he offered to come to my house....

since monday he had to go to the music fiesta thing...... n i went with him.. it was organized by HELP institute... before that.. that day..he lost his handphone................


still he wanna go red box.... i know he's worried... but he deliberately dun care to please me.... we enjoyed ourselves though... n it is then... that i realize n i knew wat 'pak tor' (dating) actually is... ..never have i been so happy.. just holding hands n walking along sungei wang... or having his hands around my waist...

wait a minute.... how did we get back together????.. i forgot adi..........................................


the last day he's here.. he was in my room........ n he hit it right on. the reason y i break up with him earlier on..even though it was on accident.... he said something that woke me out of my dreams... n i shut the door on him n i cried..... somehow.. i managed to force out wat is troubling me all these while.... n he didn't mind.. not one bit....

been 3 months... too short u might say... yea.. go ahead n judge me from the duration... but i'll never regret this relationship... for i know now that love doesn't have to hurt...n love isn't selfish...

when i m down... he's there to crap things up.. when its raining.. he's always there to offer an umbrella.. whenever i call him..he's there...except for the time he is sleeping.. which is getting irritatingly more often..

its thru him i realize how beautiful skies can be.. stars or moon... or clouds..

those moments when we just enjoy each other.. watching movies.. or doing work.. or arguing... or crapping.. every moment of them i cherish... i cherish so much.. n i hope n hope he doesn't walk out on me like how my mom did. n i hope that he'll love me as much as i love him one day..

every morning.. just waking up.. i m able to smile..but when light dawn... i couldn't help but call him just to hear his voice... hear him waking up.. every moment of my time, i wanted to spend it with him.. cuz i know he'll leave me one day.. he was never commited to me..

slowly day by day... our lives seemed to merge together.. our finances got mixed up.. art materials n food.. n outings.. sometimes i pay.. n sometimes he pay... our music list got mixed up.. i like christian music now.. so much.
n whenever i read a book..or see a movie... i begin to judge them as how he would judge them...i even begin mixing my food thoroughly with gravy before i eat them... i slept without blankets n pillow just like him... back facing up..
we ate each other's favourite foods.. n our menu got mixed again.. even our words were alike now...
our friends too.. no.. they are not lamp posts..never are...

the simple joy of just holding hands..or simply feeling his presence next to me.. or simply being fed by him... being escorted.. books n stuffs being held by him..sitting next to him in the bus..watching him sleep.. our mixed properties.. i love them all.. love them..every single one of them..

we could talk of anything n everything... from the most intimate stuffs to serious debating when it comes to assignments...
as everyday passes... i begin to get more n more afraid that he'll leave..

of course.. those hectic assignments schedule drove us crazy.. i m coping with almost 2 person's work.. n he had trouble staying awake most of the time.. it was stressful.. we blew our temper at each other... but after each assignment is over... everything is fine once more....

i get too caught up trying to get him to pass up every assignment... too much that i forgot that it isn't my business.. even if i do care..it isn't my business..

i even try to force him to go to classes.. so much often that i kept calling himt o wake him up.. to remind him.. that in the end.. i felt as if i m forcing him to do something he don't wanna do..n i knew that he is getting more n more irritated by me... felt as if i m controlling him... was in such a dillema... doing this is for his own good... but if i don't, we might be happier.. would i choose happiness over his future?

it carried on hour by hour that he got so fed up with me that he rather lie to me about his assignments...
n everytime i helped him with assignments.. it is already so near submission time that i have a hard time doing everything nicely... n i often screw things up for him instead..

some kinda gf huh......

as time passed.. we found that we couldn't stand each other's behaviour as well.. especially in public... getting harder n harder for both of us to be considerate with each other...

n then again.. there's differences between us.. as much as there are similiarities.. yea. we could talk non stop... n we have music..n books n movies n food to pull us together.. but more importantly.. our concept of love n life is different. he wanted to try everything before settling down.. while i m looking at marriage with every relationship that comes my way.. he wanted to live simple... while i wanted to be successful...i couldn't understand it then...

he's a christian.. i m not. every tuesday... i get pressured... either him or auds would try to get me to go to CF.. n i cannot fit in...... i cannot at all....
it is wrong for a christian to be with a non believer... very wrong..

but then again... that day when i went out with my high school friends.. i couldn't fit in with them too... it was just yesterday i realized that its because i have been hanging out with christians too much that i began to be like them.. christians are more pure.. less selfish.. more open and full of love and caring... they love God so much that they love everythign that God love as well..

it was then that i realized that i have changed... so much.. in a very difficult situation..neither m i a buddhist...but neither m i a christian.. i m in between... believing in God n being more like a christian .. but i cannot fully be one... my late mother's death wish is for me never to believe in christianity...

day n day passes... my faith in God grew.. not because of him.. but because i simply wanted to believe... n its getting harder n harder for me to show it out to everyone around me that i have changed... its like having big 40DDDD boobs overnight n going out to meet friends whome u see everyday... its so obvious that u deliberately change to be better...instead of a natural course..

unequally yoked... i still do not understand... i m not a non-believer.. i just have not commit myself as fully as he does....

n i do not understand ..y with every single relationship... i have to change so much to adapt to the one i love... not that i m complaining that these changes aren't good...but y????????

+power of love
so hard to hold on... so hard.. he is suffering.. all the time.. just because he want me to be happy... he's holding on because he felt that i need love... felt that i needed him... not because he wanted to be with me... i feel so pathetic....

while me.. i m hanging on to him ..joined together by a thin spindly strand of fine hair of love.... .. bout to snap any minute by the weight of our differences.....

honesty hurts... n i can't pretend any longer that it doesn't...

i know he'll leave...one day... who m i to keep him? he'll stay if i ask him to.. but only because i m asking.. not because he loves me...... i know he doesn't need me..

i rather him come back to me willingly...

i do not expect much... i could only pray everynight to my new God so that we'll have another day...

when u don't expect too much from life.....u will come to realise that every little thing is beautiful.....

everytime we walked to cyberia at night.. our shadows.. our hands intertwined.. i wonder n wonder whether izzit the last time i'll ever see this sight...

+last days
before the holidays started... i already planned to end it when the new trimester starts...

during the holidays... i went to his house... there was a night where i could keep it no longer..n i blurted out to him in tears that i planned to leave him...

even then..he did not let what i said affect him... he kept smiling n joking.. he kept telling me to go to sleep...because when i wake up.. everything will be alright...

... few days after that...he came to me.. n blurted out how awful he felt .. about our differences... n about what he wanted... n it is decided that it is better if we break up....

he said that he would come back when we r not unequally yoked.. ...would he really...
there was 2 days left before i leave for kl.... ..a few hours left.. everything we do right now seemed so rare n sacred..knowing they are not going to happen again.. i could just watch him drive n feel the most searing pain in my heart... everytime our lips touched...i dun feel like moving them... fearing that once they are apart... they will never meet again... each time we kissed.. our faces were wet with tears..

is this wat christianity is?? breeding among themselves?? wrong to love outside their holy circle... ??

how much more do i need to change in order to sustain this relationship??...how much more does he need to suffer in order to sustain this relationship??

or is religion just n excuse for us to be separated??

during our very last hours...he look so sad that i would do anything to cheer him up... i told him to go to sleep.. n that it would be alright when he wakes up....

he replied....."no....cuz when i wake up.. u won't be there next to me.."


i was determined to run away... i m sick n tired of him beating me... all the damn time...he had no idea...wat kinda nightmare he give me..

but he is bringing us to KFC tonight.. ...one more meal...one more before i go..
as i sat there... forlornly... on the brink of tears... listening to whatever he said... cuz i know it will be the last time i ever listen to him... i think back on all those times he cared for me.. n somehow those times when he abuses me doesn't matter anymore... wanted to leave so badly... but didn't have the courage to leave.. at all...

the next day.. i went to school... yes... i didn't leave... i couldn't...i was a wimp.. i rather be beaten than to be alone out on the streets.......

n then... the guy i used to have a crush on.. he came to me n said, "eeyer.....yesterday i saw u at KFC...ur family look so happy.. while u look so ugly.. sitting there wearing that oversized shirt.. never seen someone so ugly before."

i felt like killing myself that very moment.

they all think they knew who i m.. n how i m..... but they don't....

as we are eating... our last meal... i m eating unusually slow... slower than him..for once... i remembered back then during that KFC meal... n i felt exactly the same... just dun feel like leaving anymore... somehow those differences n those pain doesn't matter.. who cares if we wasted hours crying over us... i dun care as long as we r together...

cuz i still love him.. still do... very much..

ah.... but i couldn't be so selfish could i? i knew he would stay if i ask... but he would be suffering again... yearning for his freedom once we r together once more....

so.. i guess i just have to move on...

well... i'll make it...i will...alone.. ..

i knew it from the start..why m i so stubborn .. why did i held on for so long... trying to make him into someone he's not...why........

right now i have to stop expecting any more calls or smses from him... its hard... everytime i stare at the hp.. willing it to ring.. willing every sms i receive to be from him...

i went out just now.... it take the whole of my guts not to just crumble to the ground n cry for pain's satisfaction. .. in front of everyone.. i dun care...

saw the world... so many options.. so many other guys out there... somehow none of them interest me... but i know..that its the opposite for him...

its only natural for someone to sacrifice fully n solely for the one they love.... not for sacrifice's sake... but its something so natural... tthat i do not understand it myself...

well..he fell in love with me reading this blog... i guess its time for him to fall out of love with me reading this right now.

for all those times you stood by me..times when i blew my temper at u, but u still stay be my side...
for all those truth that u made me see..for being honest with me.. for being transparent with me..
for all those joy u brought to my life..for making me see that love n life do have a meaning.. n love n life doesn't have to hurt..
for all the wrong that you made right.for telling me that its alright although i m stained...for correcting all the wrong concepts of love..
for every dream u made come true..u r the dream itself...
for all the love i found in you.......
i'll be forever thankful ... ur the one who held me up. never let me fall...even when i keep letting u fall... n making u fall..
u r the one who saw me thru... thru it all... even when u have to forget about urself in the process...

u were my strength when i was weak.. u were my vioce when i couldn't speak..
you were my eyes when i couldn't see.. u saw the best there was in me..
lifted me up when i couldn't reach... u gave me faith cuz u believed...

i m everything i m..because u loved me.

u gave me wings n made me fly..made me wanna chase my dreams once more... design buildings...
u touched my hand i could touch the sky... i really thought i could do anything at all... anything as long as u r with me...
i lost my faith, u gave it back to me..made me believe in God once more... for making me have a purpose in life..
u said no star was out of reach..
u stood by me n i stood tall...
this is because i m short..ok?
i had ur love.... i had it all.at least.. i thought i had it all....
i m grateful for each day u gave me...maybe i dunno that much.. but i know this much is true..

i was blessed because i was loved by u....

u were always there for me.. the tender wind that carried me.. a light in the dark shining ur love into my life..
u have been my inspiration..thru the lies..u were the truth..
My world is a better place because of u.

i flipped thru our photos...i miss u...yes.. though its hidden.. sometimes visible..
last winter....our laughter were so so sweet..n melodious..

watching your tear streaked face..looking at me..saying "goodbye".
before i could get this word into my head.. you already ran so so far away..

maybe u already gave up on me... maybe its hard to turn back.. i know..i m at fault...
please...i beg u.. gimme a reason to say out that you do not love me..

eventhough its me who cannot understand.. can u just forgive me?
please don't treat this break up as ur request.. ur calling..

i know that the excuse for your pain is because you keep on wanting to leave me..
please turn back.... i promise i'll walk with u..side by side until the end ..

eventhough there won't be an ending for us.. i still can withstand n bear this..
i know your pain...is all because of my promises....'

you said you tried to tolerate me.. those silent moments were moments of forgiveness..

if u really have to leave...at least remember me...
but if u are hurt n sad... please forget me. ~jay chou

damn it. i love him. n even this..i do not have the courage to tell him... fearing there won't be a reply... fearing rejection... so i rather pretend i do not care ..n pretend i m alright..n that nothing..n no one.. n he does not affect me.

so painful... yet i must hide it... fearing he'll come back for guilt's sake.. for my sake.. for everything but love.. y.. the night seemed colder... fan seemed more windy... air around me seemed to be enveloping me.... ah... of course... cuz i m no longer distracted by his touch no more.

do i really have to force myself to let go?? its taking the whole of my heart n my guts to stop myself from telling him not to leave me........ but i can't be selfish... as long as he's happy.