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when life hands you a lemon..
bring out a tequila and salt

i can see it.. thru all the garnishing.
whats inside.

when u cannot cross a drain. let someone else pull u over.
but u cannot cross it if u don't wanna go over.

its not them. its me.
that causes all the fury n brings out the bad side of them.

strength are not measured by patience. but by love.

when 2 worlds come together. they will change
but will never be one.

i will listen to advices. but might not take it.

they cant see.
the selfishness in me. and the selflessness in him.

i can't see.
the selflessness in me. and the selfishness in him.

i can't play the piano. it won't listen to me.
i won't play the piano. it can't listen to me.

i can't see.
the youth in me. the time i have. the opportunities i have.

i cried to You. n i m still waiting for explanations.
so are You.

stepmom stepsis stepbro altar father shouting
home sweet home.

home sweet home... one home. broken. rebuilt. still home. no place like home. i wanna go home.


chinese new year photos

click for larger view

from left top row. muah, my mum, dad n lil bro, mum's bro, mum's sis n her hubby, mum's bro, mum's bro's wife n bro
from left middle. grandma with bay bee, grandfather
kids. my sis, her cousins meng ee, meng hui n meng ke

from left top row. muah, my mum, dad n lil bro, mum's bro, mum's sis n her hubby, mum's bro, mum's bro's wife n bro
from left middle. grandma with bay bee, grandfather
kids. my sis, her cousins meng ee, meng hui n meng ke

my maid on the right... suprati....

top.. me n my lil bro... meng hui n meng ke
bottom.. meng ee.. grandma n bay bee... grandfather n my sis

ah. my family. me n my sis ( she is standing on a chair ok????)
mom n bro .. dad (he shorter than my mom..check above pic for reference )


fathers day 1994

yolanda stood rooted to the floor. her mom was cooking as usual. yolanda watched from the kitchen. her mom had her hand on her hip while the other held the wok chan frying something..looking frail n pale in her usual thin flimsy white pyjamas.

theres something bout this woman that made yolanda felt complied to love her. something sad n pitiful bout her.
yolanda rushed towards her mother n hugged her from behind...

mummy ..thank you for everything...

her tears streammed dowm her cheeks, she is not an emotional person..but this woman deserve all the emotions she could muster.

cathy ..amused at her daughter's sudden surge of love, patted her back as how a mother would when being distracted while watching her favourtie show.. she looked at her daughter.. thin. 6 years of age..she lost her figure for this daughter.. in return she flooded her daughter with ribbons, curls and dresses despite her husband's disapproval of her spending.

cathy loved to shop .. she shop in the night market. after work. during weekends. she loved to dress up. for many years she prolonged her pregnancy for the sake of her figure, unaware of the rewards and satisfaction that a child could give. finally, she decided... after 10 years of ups n downs with her boyfriend since 16.. she finally married him... and after 2 years... she decided.

cathy also loved to cook.. she had tons n tons of recipe books. she watch the box in the living room for recipes.. the newspaper... she baked. she fried. n she always make sure her husband's dinner is warm no matter how late he is.

she loved to draw n paint too. having studied chrome chipping.. she produced all of the house's decorations.

one thing she doesnt love. is to clean.
the house is in a mess. clothes strewn everywhere. shoes. cds. cassetes. her arts. books. in her free time, she talks on the phone. with her friends. loved by everyone.. the nephews n nieces called her the kindest. the prettiest.

but she loved her husband the most. both of them were poor.. she was always beaten by her sisters... there were 7 of them. the eldest babysat her husband. she was extremely proud of him, of his acheivements compared to all the lice infested, perverts her sisters marry...that is.. if her sister were not a prostitute who had boyfriends instead of husbands. husband i mean.
he was smart. but poor. he also had luck. he started as a wall painter in maybank to a computer operations manager in 5 years time. they were always in love.

she was always depending on him... for she is weak. physically n mentally. n he loved to protect. just like how a big man holds a shaking thin kitten to his chest for warmth n love.
there were times they broke up.. but love brought the back together again n again. after 10 long years ..they finally got married.. when he had the money to proudly declare her as his lawful wedded wife.

the door opened... n as usual.. she instructed her daughter to give a glass of water to her father... after a long day's work.. a man must always be welcomed home.
a man walked in.. heavy in the belly.. too much cancers n drunks.. but still handsome. small built ..like his wife.. like his daughter also.....sob..

dinner was delicious. for the 4 of them. the happy couple.. daughter and the father's stepsister.
she is mentally unstable. mute. n she wore rags. yolanda's playmate n the one to bully..
their parents died.. therefore the brother took care of the sister.. provided a home n food.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the first death~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

jaws was playing in the television.. but cathy is sick... and he will take her to the doctors.. of cos.. yolanda stuffed the empty cassette into the vcr.. n pushed the button RECORD.

he wasnt in a good mood.. he instructed his step sister.. NEVER to touch the channel button or anything in the remote. never.
yolanda reminded her
cathy reminded her.

they went out...

n back.

n saw the tv was playign something else.. its too early for jaws to end.

he rushed to her n swing across her face with his fist. yolanda stood rooted. there was ntohign she could do. for she suffer the same.
cathy seen this too often. how many times could she intervene? she tried to calm him down half heartedly...
yolanda went into her room to play. saddistically happy it wasnt her this time.

2 weeks later. we came back to find his step sister dead on the floor.


yolanda looked at her parents. there were soemthing different about them.. she couldnt care less. her mother looked pale.. n she seldom cook.. or go to work..

her father come back earlier... n there were no glass of water waiting for him. its not like yolanda cared.

she saw them talking together quietly most of the time.

yolanda see no problems. she continued playing most of the time.. she was 7 ... n when she was mischievious... cathy would beat her.. but yolandawas surprised to see her out of breath... kintted together eyebrows.. almost sweating..

n she seemed to be releasing her frustration. sometiems yolanda saw her cry.... and when she approached cathy... she was always greeted with a weak smile.

one day... cathy asked her... do u like ur cousin?
yolanda answered.. of cos...
would u like to go there?
of cos! of cos!!

darren n yolanda were cousin. best mates. in the same school. he was always looking out for her. protecting her when anyone bullies her.

we have to move out of this place.. its not good for us.

but this is our home? we worked so hard to buy this house.

someone died in this house before we moved in!! my sister died! n now u are sick. do u wanna stay ... he said forcefully thru all the pain in him..leaving the sentence unfinished.

i wont die darling... she smiled weakly with love..

lets move out alright? to ur sisters. yolanda n darren can go to school together. she'l be taken care of there. i wanna take care of u now. we can go thru this together. like we always do.

you look so thin now.... i cannot take care of u like i did in the past when i m healthy..i do not want to burden u..

you are my wife! nonsense. now if u listen to me for once, we can make it.

he was angry.. n sad.. yolanda was a kid... she couldnt care. n he couldnt take it... he slapped her hard on the face. twice.. she shook with fear.. and cried out for her mother...

for the first time..cathy walked out as fast as she can.. n shouted at him as loud as she can.

how can i trust you wtih her when i die??? when u keep beating her like this?

her hand held the heavy iron.. ready to protect her daughter..
but yolanda wasnt crying . she was staring at her mother.

mummy... why are u gonna die. yolanda want mummy to be with me until i die. u cannot die. i dun wanna marry i wan mammy... u cannot die...

but for the first time...cathy did not assure her that it is just a lie to stop him from beating her.

~~~~~~~~~a daughter that do not care~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

her aunts talk too much. gossip too much. saying unappropriate things in front of children. in front of people who are gonna die. but waht can u expect from a family who have a suicidal mother. n a sister who comitted suicide in her teens.

yolanda.. ur mother is sick. she may die.. u must be obedient to her.. n listen to her... n dun be so naughty...

last time when my daniel (darrren's brother) is insane.. he picks his ear n tried to smell the shit... he almost ate it if i wasnt there to stop him...

no no.. when claire(another sister) was insane.. she beats up the dogs.. but her daughter julie wasnt insane and she took care of her. n there was once julie was insane, but claire wasnt. its lucky they took turns. or else when both of them are insane.. they might kill each other off...hahaha

yolanda.. stop being so naugty.. its no wonder why ur father beats you. u deserved it.

yolanda is tired of hearing all these. there was no such thing as her mother dying. she knows her mother won't leave her for anything. even death... she was sure. n she just cant helpp but see that everyone of them would look away whenever her father beated her.
but today her parents are going to the doctors again...

cathy have been feeling pain in her stomach.. at frst thinking it was gastric.. but after a thorough check up.. she found out she was diagnosed with hernia. a disease that is both painful with or without cure. the treatment itself is unbearable.

hernia.. is the the protrusion of an organ or tissue thru an abnormal opening. .. in cathy's case.. her stomach muscle were loose, n intestine protruded out. creating a bulge.. which can be seen n feel.

cathy cant cough. cant run cant stand. it is painful .. as painful as death. as her disease develops too fast, intense pain always almost bring her down.

the doctor advised her to go for an operation. the family is now homeless they sold their house.. almot all money goes to the operation.

after the first successful operation. cathy still complain of the pain. he would not have this. he lost his temper at her.. angry at her for being so weak. because the chances of hernia coming back after a surgery is less than 1 %. she just wouldnt' accept that she is ok.

her sisters took this matter lightly... assuming she is well.

yolanda watched as her father grew moer n more temperamental each day. more n more bitter. she wasnt understanding. she created trouble in school that make thigns worse for him.
darren influenced her to bring a can of beer to school... n yolanda brought it. 2 of them. they were 8.

teachers were amused. one wasnt. the headmistress wasnt. her father came to school in a good mood, only to be sent t the office.

when they were back at home. he pulled herby the hair n dragged her into the dining room. just outside cathy's room. n shouted at her ,' pull down ur panties!!'

yolanda was hesitant.. but she was about to take it off when cathy walked out and told her not to do it... yolanda was in tears. she watched uninterested as her parents argue. relieved of the rescue.

a sick wife is enough. a daughter that wouldnt listen is life threatening.

the aunts are going out for a karaoke session.. yolanda wanted to go badly. but her father had an overnight shift... and told her sternly, stay at home n accompany ur mother.
she sulked. she went into the room n sulked..

her mother looked at her.. n pacified her to go to the session.. yolanda protested 'but daddy asked me to stay here.. later he'll beat me if i go'

... cathy looked at her.... full of forgiveness... but sad that she wanted to stay only because of her husband;s threat. she looked at the family she had broken. the house that is not theirs. the home she destroyed. the man she burdened.

no.. i wont let him beat you..

yolanda was elated.. she changed... n rushed out...

cathy was alone in the house... she felt so lonely n quiet ...she picked up the phone..n dialled for her husband
hello? i m alone in the house now .. can u come back n accompany me

~~~~~~~~~~he goes away~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there was a few months when cathy was always alone.. for he had gone to florida, US for a seminar... everyday she missed him. she was so lonely. her daughter didnt care about her.

she wrote in a diary... an old one .. 1998 diary.. everyday hwo she felt for him..n wat happened everyday...

when he came back.. they would read the diary together n cry... cry together.. thinking of all the times that were lost. the home that is broken.
but he would not let go. he do not believe in letting go.

but she does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~death started dealing his cards~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

he is not weary.. he would work as long as there is enough moeny to cure his wife. but how could she complain fot he pain after 3 operations?? they tried everything.

chinese medicine.. bomohs.. western..

he is starting to think of her complains as something untrue... cathy started talking about death and dying.. more n more often...

2 months later.. she was sent to the psychiatric ward.. against her will.. he deserted her.. . she thought

when she came back. she was aware of all those looks her sister gave her. only her daugther seemed unaffected .. cuz she didnt care. her husband was still as loving.. and she feel more n more dead inside ... everything that was so real n beautiful was all gone.. now all she had left is this grey rusted world that had nothing to offer anymore.

one night. she walked into the kitchen... she couldnt sleep.. she couldnt. too lonely.. she felt as if her heart doesnt exist anymore. hard.

she searched for the pills.. those that put her to sleep.. looked at them..painless death.

she emptied the whole bottle into her hand... was about to put all of them into her mouth... she couldnt just end like this.. bitter.
she stood up.. took the bottle of X.O. .. a lil bit of luxury before death. n started swallowing the pills ... ..........

cathy was admited to the psychiatric ward again. her attempt at suicide had failed. n she had finllay gotten everyone's attention.. peole telling her not to do it again. but she sensed insincerity in them. n her husband was begging her.. with tears.. but cathy knew she had to go. she's pulling him down.

he knelt down before yolanda n cried.... yolanda stood stiffly n awkwardly.. not knowing wat to do. he asked her..' will u let me bring mummy to singapore alone to let me cure her?..please?"

yolanda said. no.

cathy came back home. the same stares. the same thing. they dun mean anything to her already. the world is dead.

2 days later. an empty dishwashing liquid bottle was found next to her body.

yolanda strolled casually with her sousins n aunts to the hospital... they just cant stop talking. they just talk too much. no they din care about her mother. they didnt.

cathy couldnt take it. having lost her voice after the failed attempt. she clasped her hand together n make a motion of praying... n put her finger to her lips..

the aunt saw the funny way of her asking them to shut up and laughed.. n they talked.. they just takled..more. n more.

yolanda see no humour in that. even when she commited suicide twice.no one would listen to her mother. no one. no one ever pay attention to her mother. not even her own daughter.
wahts so funny about a mute woman who commited suicide twice using gestures to ask people to shut up???????????? damn them those insolent fools.

cathy came back home.. her husband was crying most of the time... with the pain in her stomach to shelter away the pain of her love for him.. she patted him half heartedly...

today is daniel's birthday party... everyone's getting ready.. its a saturday...

fathers day is coming soon.. coming so soon..

cathy is missing. she was not in the house. everyone was too busy to go out to look for her. even when she might commit another suicide. yolanda didnt care...she only cared when her father came back. when he started panicking.. n tell yolanda.. if...when ur mother comes back.. tell her u love her..

...4 pm/. she came back..yolanda hugged her.. n told her she love her.

cathy brushed her aside.. n told her she just went out fro a cigarrette.

her husband hugged her. n wept sorrowfully... cathy knew well.. he can live without her.
yolanda, cathy n her husband stayed in the room... hugging... cathy look at them with false understanding.. n pacify them to sleep.. to go to sleep. she wanan see them sleep.... peacfully.. just like before... when they had a home..

7 pm. the party started. her father woke yolanda up. yolanda jerkedup... n was told her mother is lost again.

he searched frantically inthe drawer... and found the diary... he quickly flipped to today's page... there were one sentence...

'sorry ...i love you'

her father drove out.. n search for cathy..yolanda followed reluctantly... knowing her mother wuold be back soon.

they went everywhere.
they searched in the temple.. they prayed to the gods there. he called up his temple mates. he had a sifu there who knows everything. he had learned there.


~~~~death chose to take her away the most shameful n cruel way~~~

she walked out of the house... she was calm.. she boarded the bus.... any bus...
n she saw her friend there... they chatted like how friends chatted. askign questions one would forget the answer after half the day is over.

cathy went down.. there was a lake.

in taman wahyu.

she walked there. there were a few indonesian fisherman there. she took out a cigarette.. n smoked.. sat at the lake.

should she jump in...

she took another cigarette.... n ponder.. the fisherman was eyeing her..
she just wore a pyjamas..liek always.

they nodded to each other... came up to her..

there were 4 of them... three of them held her... while one raped her...

n the others had their turn..

her pain in the stomach throbbed painfully.. unbearable compared to the pain she felt inside.
they had her again and again.. she couldnt scream... she was gagged..

when they were finished.. they stabbed her stomach.

she writhed in agony.
but still alive

they took another stab again. her body contorted.
but still alive.

they strangled her.
her tongue slowly protruded out. head a pale blue.

they threw her into the lake.

... no one came. she rotted... deep inside the lake... deep inside the cold cold lake..
the rotting gases bloated her organs up.. finally on teh 6th day.. and she floated up..

up to the surface.

~~~~~~~~~~the funeral ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yolanda came home. her aunt is crying.

her father rushed everywhere.

identifying the body. it was too rotten. rotten beyond imagination.
he couldnt recognise her. it smelled. very bad.

he saw her ring. his ring. their wedding ring. their marriage. their love.

its over.

all over.

he mourned.

yolanda felt nothing. didnt care.

cathy died on father's day. it was the first year yolanda didnt give a card.

he rushed to the temple.. searching for the old man.. that he used to call sifu.. n punched him.


didnt u tell me this was going to happen

why didnt u help me save my wife

why didnt u warn me
did u know how she died
did you
she was raped
was stabbed
was strangled
was drowned
she drank poison
ate pills

why didnt u let her die peacefully why didnt u tell me


a tribute to my mother. whom i didnt love.. the murderers was never caught. a cold case..

tell me god how can i forgive them. every cell in me burns for revenge. and tell me god.. how did my father ever forgive me for not caring.. n not giving a damn.. not even there.. had no feelings for my mother. n how m i gonna forgive myself for beign like that when i was young. i found peace in you.. because there is no peace in me.

i cried tears. for i still don't love her. or miss her. i cried as how i would imagining this hapen to someone i know. like someone i know... no matter how..
i swear i would kill them if i had the chance.


VAN 3147

'theres a new student!!! heard he's from our sister school..the one with all the caucasians. got transfered here.' jamie told her best friend.

jamie is the top student in the class. neat, christian, an all rounder both in class n sports. . also a grade 5 pianist at 9 years old.. teacher's pet. her youth spurt caused her new pests to break on her face. pimples.

her best friend, yolanda is exactly the opposite. always jamie's shadow. messy, a broken family...she just came in last year right after her mother's death. a gangly,thin and dark child with a face always ready to rebel but in fact always pleading to please.

they ran to their usual white van together. the van that brings them home n surprised to find someone new there.

'ahhhhhh both of u come here.. fai di fai ditt!!! go up..!! na! this is new student. branmonn.. he stays opposite. his mother... came over to me this morning n ask me to send him .....bla bla bla...............................................'

the new student with a weird name kept quiet. aloof. fat. dark. with a downturn mouth that seemed to be frowning all the time. tall for a 9 years old.


'Brandon!!!!! wait up!! ' yolanda shouted

brandon continued walking as if he heard nothing..

yolanda kept quiet. his behaviour is disturbing. ignoring her and acting as if she doesnt exist in front of everyone else.. but when in the van. he talked n joked with her as if she's the last person on earth n its their last day on earth.

she was surprised they had so much to talk about ... he seemed to ignore others when he talked to her. n ......unfortunately vice versa.

they were 10 years old. jamie was already in the car, disgusted at her best friend who seemed to be acting strange lately...who seeemed to turn her head with a little forced swish that odels usually practice to get the wind in their hair. she also seemed to be paying all her attention to brandon whenever he's around. talking to him n laughign at each of his jokes. and him!... that fat over- friendly brat who seemed to take over the 'prince charming' title in class. during valentines this year n last year, he got almost 9 flowers n cards. jamie look at the sullen yolanda..who is now kicking the stones with her unshapely legs.. wondering why is she so stupid as to follow all the other giggly girls' steps.

yolanda got into the van..and being the last to do so, she suffers the torments of shouting from the van driver who also happens to be her 6th and current babysitter and also a diablos that seemed to want er to sleep at 8 everynight.

yolanda bullied one of the small kids. breaking her toys. causing the small kid to cry n dictate passionately and determinedly that she will report to her mother about this. brandon watch with disinterest as an over active spoilt brat next to him bragged about his antics in class.

now this spoilt brat .. he is the only one in the van with the breath of a dragon which can be compared to the diablos driving the van. he can shout n screamed in his girly child's voice with her and still manage the get the diablos also dictating menacingly to reveal his shit to his mother. he also have the spirit of destruction. destructing every thing along his way to class.

the van pulled with a screech in front of the small kid's house. the mother came out

'today the market's fish not fresh la..... very hard to cut.. next time..

'no no!! i told u buy at ah blad blad shop.. blabl bal



small kid got out.

'mummy, just now yolanda bullied me n spoilt my toy!!!. mummy!!!'

yolanda felt cold sweat in between her thighs.... which was always warm.. n not very normal. she always leave patches of glistening sweat ont he pvc seat..[ brandon - eeyer!!!! uurrine!!! ur urine!!]

brandon carelessly chipped in..' no la auntie... she wont bully her... its ray(spoilt brat with dragon's breath)... he always bully her' ....

yolanda, jamie n ray gaped at him.


this is a true story with changed names. after a few weeks. ray suffocated to death while playing in his mother's car boot n accidentally got locked in. he screamed and hit the car boot's cover but no one came to his aid... when he was finally let out.. he was half dead.. with a pile of turd next to him.. his parents rushed him to pantai cheras hospital. but wasnt admitted to ER because the doctors n the parents wasted time arguing about payment as the doctors wont do the nessecary procedures without first receiving payment.


'goodness!! look at your ****.. so ugly... ..... looking like tht.'''

brandon go on and on about it. with a cruel taunting smile.

yolanda plastered a mask on her face to hide her pain n hurt of hearing that.

. ..its ok..she thought.. only he can talk of me like that.. only he can critisize me that way.. no one else would.. he can cuz he didnt mind it... he dun mind me looking like this.. if he does he wont talk about it...

n strangely..until now. he remained the only person.. who ever talked like that..

'look at you!!.. walking like that. like a guy!!. look at jamie look at how she walks.. why cant u wakl like her??l........

yolanda put a defiant look on her face. determined not to change for him. she would be anyhow she wanted to be. no matter wat others say. no ones gonna define her.


yolanda stole a glance at eric. the finest looking boy in her age. a fool. with stupid antics and a habit of scratching his body. whose father is the director of genting highlands. a fat boy. ah i must stick to the story without getting to emotional. she blushed as he looked back at her weirdly formed face. yolanda shifted her eyes quickly to jamie who was talking ot her.

eric was brandon's best mate. bunch of fools together.

they were now all in their final year of primary school.. 12 years of age.

yolanda had a crush on eric. he was so cute. she couldtn help fantasizing bout him everynight. dates. kisses. hugs.

while brandon was acting strangely lately.. he begin to talk to her in class. and people started teasing him about it as gossips of their talks in the van spreaded. but yolanda didnt notice.

she didnt care. all she wanted was eric.

so did half of the girls . n half of the half were pretty. n one of them got him. already. even at 12.

they had a game.

...share market... buying shares ..using real money.. not on companies but on cute guys. n yolanda was left out cuz she just dun fit in.

she jsut cant wait to go home. since she stays with the driver. n brandon stays opposite her.. they are the last to reach home. htey have over an hour n a half of conversation. she can always talk about anythign to him. but.. she is always disturbed by his taunts.. since they ever become friends.. everything from him is an insult or a critique.. but she didnt mind.. she just needed soemone.

she even avoided jamie half the time.. leaving her alone while she laughed with brandon.


yolanda cried in frustration as she grashed her maths paper.. 98%..
brandon give a shout of triumph ...100%

sulking... yolanda pulled a long face... determined to beat him next time. in the whole class. both of them were rivals at maths.

but no matter how she tried she couldnt' beat him. every time during tests they somehow took turns topping each other.

but what frustrate her the most is the South australian test for maths. it was a test of a higher standard and somehow she only managed to scrape credits while he pulled of distinctions..

but silently.. she was proud... of this similiarity they shared. .. someone as rejected as her.. a bond with someone as popular as him..


yolanda reached out for the cardboard n steped on the chair to hang it on to the wall.

'higher..higher..''jamie said... it was their turn to decorate the duty rooster. it was always them. the 2 best students. its still early..half an hour before class... both of them prefects....having to do their duty..they had to rush.

yolanda struggled but she just isnt tall enough..

'oh .just let me do it! ..' jamie started with frustration..frustrated at her best friend. always followign her. she even take up piano lessons jsut to compete with her. yolanda started her piano. and he was excited about it.. but because her parents cou;dn't afford a piano.. she had to practice in shcool... n her efforts were often laughed at and ridiculed at by others. especially jamie. yolanda isnt even in grade 1 yet.. while jamie was already starting her grade 7..

yolanda started to get off the chair as someone suddenly opened the door. it was brandon.. with one of his friends.. on his prefect duty..

he strided over with his long legs...gone were his fats.. he sprouted with emmense height lately.. his voice also breaking.. he grabbed the duty rooster.. and hung it cleanly on the wall wihtout any effort while yolanda stood there on the chair..

'thank you..' she said.

he walked off without a word.. his friend asked him ' why dun u tell yolanda that u like her??'

jamie jaw opened.

brandon kept quiet and walked away.

yolanda stood there. silent. the words washing over her. she felt elated yet nervous. her?? spindly gangly sticked figured tomboy like her? with him? the celebrated brandon. who doesnt have to buy any flowers for his mother as he can used those he got from those giggly girls.

she shook her head clear. pretended she did not hear.. she had enjoyed those rumours yes.. but she didnt expect them to be true. not to soemoen like her.

besides. eric.


for the next week... brandon ignored yolanda totally.. she is irritated by his behaviour .. confused by his actions... as its no reason for him ignorning her from the very start of their friendship!..

he shifted his attention all to the other girls. talking n flirting with them.

one day.. it was raining cats n dogs. every student crowded at the entrance. trying to avoid the rain. yolanda searched for brandon in th crowd desperately..

she had no time to look for him. she looked for the van.. with the plate number 3147... n spotted it... very far away.. she sprinted towards it..

n climbed inside. it was a friday. allt he other kids are gone. only she n brandon. she was wet. top to toe.

'where is fei chai???' diablos screeched. usign the name she always used whenever he is not around.

'i dunno'.. i replied.. tryign to catch my breath...n wiping her hair dry.. a futile attempt...

they waited very long... n finally he came in. wet. but cool n aloof.

they started talking. like old times. .. yolanda took off her pinafor. leaving her white button down on... it was made of very thin material. and it so happened that she planned to go out that day after school.. so she wore a strapless bra to support her budding breasts.

when they finally reached her home. yolanda now stays with her parents...her father n her new stepmom ..she jumped down n said bye bye...

'eeyer!!! why do u say bye bye????? eeeee'' brandon replied.

yolanda walked in.. disappointed.

her maid opened the door...

yolanda looked down.

n screamed.

her bra had slid down below her breasts. giving her 4 breasts. 2 real 2 fake. 2 shaking 2 hard cones. n god knows when it slid.

the next van transportation.. teh topic was breasts.n brandon claimed he saw the small kid's breasts. she screamed in shame n denied it.

' REALLY!! i saw yolanda's one also watttt!



it was the day. THE day.

the last day for them.

as friends.

n the day their results come out.

soon some of them will leave the school for secondary stuides if they do not wish to continue here.

yolanda is determined. she wanted to tell eric.

candy pulled her aside.. n said..' lets go to the playground..'

yolanda followed.

candy was eric's girlfriend. she looked troubled.

' yolanda..eric are not talking with me anymore... i talked to him ont he phone yesterday. he hung up on me.. ..

today.. he sent me this song..

The Hardest Thing
98 Degrees

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killin' me, it's killin' you
Both of us tryin' to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
'Cause there can be no happy ending

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

.. what does it mean yolanda?? why did he send me this song??'

yolanda read it.....n replied ' it means he have someone else. but its u he loves..but he had to leave.. cuz she done too much for him to reject... '

candy cried... sobbing.. ' what m i gonna do???'

yolanda replied silently, defeated 'go tell him how u feel. since its u he loves. he'll come back...to you..'

candy went off... running to look for eric..

yolanda cursed herself for being too kind. n it dawn on her... how impossible it is...n suddenly brandon entered her thoughts.. she wondered . is it really eric she likes.

.... the speaker rang out. ' all upsr candidates please go into the lobby. now we are going to announce the upsr resutls'


all the students sat down... the teacher started reading out names of those that scored a straight flush.

jamie... candy... brandon.. all got it

yolanda missed it. she watched with desperation as one by one .. they stood up .. n went outside for the photograph session.

then the teacher read out names of those who got 4 a's...

yolanda missed it.

she started to hug her legs to her chin.. almost a quarter of them is out already.

then the teacher read out the names of those who scrape 3 a's

suddenly jamie burst in.. shouted ' yolanda yolanda you have got straight a's!!!!'' she shouted repeatedly..jumpling excitedly..

yolanda stood up. uncertain...

all of a sudden.. everyone around applaused. yolanda...walked to the jamie...n candy said ' jamie went n checked. she couldnt believe that u dint get straight a's.. n the teacher din read otu ur name cuz ur name was printed on the lines.. the parts where 2 pages meet. n it couldnt be seen correctly!!'

yolanda smiled n jumped.. hugged jamie n cried with tears of joy...

after the happy photograph session... cames the congratulating..

brandon stood there.. talkign with eric..

yolanda braved herself n walked towards him n said.


they shook hands n yolanda felt as if she would remember this moment forever. for he had a very weird hand shake... he did not ..shake. he squeezed..

n when she wanted to let go.. that half a second.. he squeezed again.


yolanda walked into the school... jamie had migrated to austrailia... candy shifted to another school... she was alone.. the reason she stayed.. is because brandon did.

she was alone.... n helen walked up to her.' u r yolanda right? can i sit with u? i rememebr when we were 8 no one wanted to play with me... but u offered ur toys to me.. n told me that we will always be friends.'

yolanda nodded happily...

she was clear now.. who she wanted was brandon.

she waited painfully for the van ride home... n when it comes. she was happy. for secondary students have a differnt ending time. therefore diablos have to go 2 rounds. n they were in the 2nd. they were the only ones.

but suddenly another guy came in.. jim

brandon's cousin. jim was silent. with a bad boy's look. lean body.. dyed hair. same age with us..13..

brandon was different. he is very tall n thin now.. too tall.. until he had to hunched up his body when he walk...

brandon ignored jim the whole drive n talked to her.. animatedly.. relieving her pent up thoughts n feeligns for him during the holidays.

yolanda reached home in a fluttery spirit.... happy n dazed.. knowing for sure he's hers..

the next day...

she rushed out to the road... diablos make them go out to the roads n wait for her. as she is shy... she would wait at the left side of the road while brandon waited at teh right side...

she was excited... imagining of their soon to come conversation..

they got onto the van after 15 minutes of waiting...

n she smiled brightly... n started talking.....

brandon kept quiet n look outside the window...

hostile n cold.

yolanda kept quiet .... embarrassed of his behaviour towards her in front of jim.

she tried once more...

he kept quiet

she was feeling hurt.. very hurt.. she knew jim must have said something about her. her looks.
but she cant keep quiet now that she started talking already. pretendign to be bright n cheerful she took out a ten dollar note n started folding it into a twin love.. hoping to get his attention......

her smile slowly disappear with every turn of the wheel....

he ignored her totally...

from then on.


yolanda was confused. but now her anticipated van rides are dreaded as they were long n silent.

n jim is influencing brandon...he doesnt go home often... he dun even get into the van anymore... he always frequent cyber cafes...

his results dropped... yolanda's maths rival slowly deterioate... til he dropped to the next class.. n to the next.. n next...

but she remained confused n in love.. as up til then he was never seen with antoher girl..

when she was 14..

she still couldnt forget him.

but one day.. she saw someone else.. someone that seeemed to step right otu o her dreams.

but even then... when she heard that brandon gave a flower to the prettiest girl during valentine's... she felt a hard thump in her chest... n was strangely relieved n suspicious when she further find out taht he did it becuase all teh other guys did it too.. n merely wanna see wats gonna happen if he does.

brandon continue to hang out with all the bad influences. ignoring his studies.. he fell into the commerce stream while yolanda got into the science.. he had a very bad habit of holding his pants from behind when he walk... with his back hunched... n head pointed out... as if its cool..

when yolanda was 16.. she got a boyfriend... that she got to know online.. n once... because of that..her fake nude pictures got spreaded out in school... n when she walked into the canteen..she felt eyes looking at her.. eyes which seem to rape her.

n brandon's was one of them.

a gate closed. no turning back.

after their graduation... brandon fursthered his stuides in business. while yolanda went to a local U n met someone else there. she believed in God

n therefore closed another gate to her ex. no more turning back. n also locked the first gate.

now she have to close yet another gate. n lock the other 2.


a tribute to a special someone in my life 7 years ago.


Attempt at pixel art

to anyone who would ilke to try pixel art.

software- photoshop
settings - image>mode>indexed colour, select the number of colours u want. the more the more colourful
instructions - zoom in as far as u can. use a one pixel brush or pencil n start s\drawing.
- add a border of white around the art.
-remember the background should be transparent
-save as gif.



i mean...


no time to catch up with everybody.

was so upset. thought that missing out everything would be upset.. still remembered how we promised not to forget each other after high school.. expected to feel lonely n aimless if such things happened.

happened. felt nothing. yea. miss them. but no cruciating pain. maybe..cuz i know i m gonna see them again soon. n no matter how we change. we'll still be friends. best of friends. just like always.

all of us studying in different places. we grew up. n learnt cuz we are on our own. some learnt how not to worry. some learn bout confidence. bout responsibility.

i have to change. sooner or later. learn how to think like a lady. n by doing so, i m placing a gate which i can no longer open later on.

its not so bad after all.