haze

expectations.. i have high expectations of myself... i never expect humans to be willingly faithful..but they will be faithful if they are overwhelmed by love... i have been trying all means to overwhelm him with love so that he will be faithful...

i know.. i should love him and ignore my own emotions.. but right now.. i just can't ignore it.. yea..i have always been a selfish person.. i care for my feelings.

.. maybe its the way we are brought up... i m brought up with a moral education of 16 values and 64 subvalues... friendly being one of them. when i enter a room full of strangers..somehow the one next to me will start a conversation with me.. or the other way round.. when i fall down, strangers will help me up. when i cry when i was young.. people will help me. .. and .. that makes me wanna talk to others in a room, help others in need..

the malaysian syllabus put it this way... friendliness ..[definition] .. never shut yourself out of the society. have to socialize without putting a thought bout the differences in sex, religions and races.

while..in singapore.. i m not aware at what happened there..


...it was just a joke. but i guess it went too far.. seth was just my favourite name.. .. ..i had no idea it will go this far..


i m upset.. n now i have negative thoughts.. bout everything thats going on.. .. but how can i say?

..well..conclusion is i m a slow person.. when something happens.. something that will upset me.. i will be numb during the happening... and still react normally.. but after 5 seconds, the impact start hitting me like knives stabbing my heart. which is why i seldom give a satisfactory reaction.. this include hurt and jealousy. only feeling that hits me right on everytime is anger.

and when i finally register the feelings in me, the frequency of it happening would have made me numb enough to keep quiet.

.. i don't know why m i angry.. i mean.. this has happened many times before in the past.. i should have gotten used to it and realize the ending is still the same.
..well.. maybe it is the many times thats making me upset.. how many times must this happen??.. ..why can't it be stopped?


.... i don't know.. i really don't know.. i even asked him.. why would he wanna do that. he wanted to see my reaction, he said. ... izzit really that important to see my reaction?. is there such a need...

at that time.. i just laughed it off.. but.. i was actually so so hurt.... not by him.. but by my own disability to let him know how much i really love him..let him know theres really no need for him to doubt me..

i dunno what change me.. but things that happen that i m supposed to blame him, i m blaming myself for it. blaming myself for not being good enough, for making him make such decisions.. making him tired of everything, making him upset..and most of all, for making him wanna give up on me at times.

but i really wonder what do i still need to do.. irony is.what CAN i do?.. the distance in between us is big enough a border. if he's around, i might tag on to him all day long... make him happy.. but he's not. and what else can i do other than emailing him, icq him.. sms him..phone him.. and just be faithful.

but even being faithful is a problem. cuz faithful have different definitions for him n for me. for me, he can talk to girls.. he can go out with them.. as long as he is not going out alone with one of them...as in pair. and of course.. he must not 2 time me.. or lie to me bout them..

and.. because of how i think, i thought that what i want is what he want. i talk to guys, i go out with them in groups.. of course the girls are more in quantity everytime. i never 2 time him..or lie to him bout them.
but.. i was wrong.. it wasn't what he wanted. at all.

his defintion of faithful is.. not talking to guys, not going out with them either in groups or alone, cannot 2 time, cannot talk bout them. actually the last one isn't such a need, but i feel it is important cuz when i do that, it will hurt him lots.

so.. of course..he thought what he want is what i want. he din talk to girls..or go out with them.. din 2 time me.. ..he din talk bout them..


so ok.. i was ready to compromise.. he don't have to change a thing.. i'll do the changing. i stopped talking to guys. din go out with them.. and try my best not to talk bout them. sometimes casual conversations like lending stuffs.. group dicussions.. hellos.. byes.. i even felt compelled to lie to him that nothinbg happen so that i won't hurt him. but i didn't... i just kept quiet and say nothing..but if he ask, i m honest.. n he will get the impression that i hide things from him..


..i really don't know what to do anymore ..i really don't. ...he's not the only one who wanna give up on us.. i do too. but i will never tell him that cuz i know it hurts if i say so... i knew cuz he said it to me. it really hurts real bad.


....i still remember.. the many times when i was upset.. i called him to hear him say sorry to me.. but when he was upset.. i was also the one calling him to say sorry..

now its happening again, i m upset. he had no idea why i m upset. he is tired of all these. i m also tired of everything. he don't feel like making the first move. i m also feeling the same way. both of us thinking of letting go. but deep down, we just knew we be back together..and couldn't be bothered bout what's happening now during the period of apologizing.


enough le.. enough of my negative comments.



want something positive?



although i m not sure this time who will end up apologizing.. but i m 99.2% sure that he is thinking of me now.


i sure sounded confident. but i m also hoping la. :p