haze

dear diary

today i woke up n could barely open my eyes... i could hardly restrain myself from calling him yesterday night... twice. i think i might have cried till morning.. but i woke up nyway due to the horribulous constrution drilling music.

my sis was kinda enough to accompany me in bed when she came home from school. she hugged me.. though it wasn't that passionate... its nice to know someone still cares.


i practically crawl down to the living room on all fours without my contact lens to pass the phone to my sis.her mom called. i lay sprawled n blind on the couch n read the last few chapters of 'memoirs of geisha'

.. judging from the way i slept, did not brush my teeth n no contact lens i tot i would have looked horrible.. my eyes felt swollen n hard to open.. n my skin felt waxy.. i had hardly enough sleep nowadays...

finally i went up to my room n put my contact lens on.. tear the comb thru my hair n avoiding the mirror.


i helped my sis tie her hair.. n she wanted to see the mirror.. so i carried her to the bathroom, n bring a mirror for her to view the back of her head. u know how hairdresser usually put a mirror in front of another mirror..like tat

i couldn't help noticing how good i look. my hair look neat n fluffy. perhaps its the amount of money i spent on it. my skin were fairer.. i did not know y. maybe because nowadays i forced myself to drink a cup of water every half n hour.

the only thing thats out of place is my eyes.. well..my friends all knew that if i had enough sleep.. it would be single lidded. but if i did not have a good night sleep.. it would be double lidded.

both of them were double lidded..sorta drooping down sadly.


well diary, i guess i had to move on anyway. i tot of dying yesterday.. i couldn't see any point in living anyway. i tot of cutting one ofm my veins out n watch it bleed. but i heard it gets cold for those who die like this. they often countered this by sitting in a tub of warm water first.


no warm water for me. just the blankie n the bolstie. my sis smelt the bolster n commented that they had to take a bath too.


diary.. should i go to singapore? though i see no point in doing so now..


today i wander aimlessly in my room.. looking at the walls .. with his name n contact numbers on his... my personal diary.. full of his notes.. the little corner on my desk with all our pics. the boxes over there, full with the stuffs i got for him.. n the paper bag over the table with his cgs that i printed, n his letters.

i wonder if i ever have the heart to chug them all away.

and the ring on my finger. i do not know.